Problems with the Child Minder

[dixia]

Hi,

I am having trouble with my child minder.

I need your opinions about whether it is me or her that is being unreasonable and how to move forward from here.

My DS is 2yrs 9 months. He is ready for potty training. I think he has been ready for a while to come out of nappies and showing lots of good signs. I have an older son, who is now 7 and we trained him with no trouble. We have been asking him every week if he would like to buy a potty and start wearing pants - last week he said yes. So we went out and bought pants and potties and he is very excited about starting.

He goes to a pre-school every day from 9-12 and then to a CM afterwards 3 days a week from 12 til 4.30.

On Monday I took DS to pre-school in nappies and said to the lady that the following day he would be coming in pants. She said that that was fine, just bring lots of pairs of pants, trousers, socks etc and that they would take him to the potty every 20 minutes or so. Great - good reaction. But the CM has really shocked me. She says that she isn't happy about him being out of nappies. She asked that we postpone the starting of training until tomorrow (friday) when he doesn't go to her house and will have just pre-school and then Friday pm to Monday am at home. I felt that this was fair enough really, so agreed.

Now she says that I must provide my own equipment for him - potty, car seat covers, etc. Is this normal? I haven't had to provide any other equipment (she has pushchairs and carseats).

She also says that if he has two accidents in one day she will put him in a nappy. But that doesn't really work for me. i think he might have lots of accidents in the first few days.

She wants him to bring training pants, but I really think that there is no difference between these and nappies and I don't want to use them at home. I want to go straight into pants.

She says that she wants to sit down and have a meeting about his routine with me before he starts in pants, but I have told her that there is no routine. What will happen is that I put him in pants, take him to the potty regularly, he sometimes gets it right and sometimes has an accident, we change him and start again.

I need some advice about how to handle this situation. I am confused about whether I am being unreasonable or whether she is.

Thanks

Thank you cat64 and maxybrown.

I am doing all I can, I am trying to be reasonable and to put myself in her position but I run my own company and it really isn't that easy to take time off. I will probably get to have about 6 days off at Christmas, but that would be another 5 or so weeks for DS to bring the pants to me every day.

I think that after reading your various posts and views that I am not being unreasonable to ask her to continue what I am doing at home. I will provide the equipment that she asks for and I will speak with her on the phone, though I really can't meet her before Monday. If she is unwilling to keep him out of nappies then I will remove him and find another child minder.

I think thesecondcoming is talking nonsense. 2 accidents in 4 hours does not mean the child isn't ready. How ridiculous.

I have one DS he is 2.2 and not ready for potty training yet. So I have never had to do it with one of my own. TBH it doesn't phase me in the slightest, accidents etc, but I am that way as a person anyway (I don't mean I have accidents lol) I was trying to put myself in her position.....but I can't see her side I'm afraid. I was meant to be childminding at the beg of this year but ni the end we decided not to...however, I had already invested in those things for "the business" as I hadn't thought of them over a year ago for DS!! And that was without having any children!! Surely they are things she would just think to get. I know if you said at nursery (as you have!!) they would ask you to bring lots of spare clothes etc. I feel like he is being dampened down, poor little mite, to fit in around her. It concerns me, that if she has that attitude towards it now, how will she be with him IF he does have an accident?? I know it might seem like nothing to some people, but if I was taking my son to someone that pinickity and "unreasonable" I would be looking elsewhere. I am very laid back though and not much bothers me, but I am very caring I like to think. I don't imagine Ofsted would be impressed should they have sat in on her "rules"....but maybe it's just me, although it seems your own gut instinct says not!

While the situation is not ideal, childminders and parents alike are not born with experience it is gained over time and with practice. She has never potty trained a child of her own and I am guessing that this is her first minded child and so she has never potty trained a child full stop. It is daunting the first time, it is only after you have done it once you realise there was no need to worry. There are childminders all over the country giving up because they are now expected to be as a nursery, this lady could end up a great childminder in a few years when she has more experience. OP says she has done a good job until now. OP you have a great chance to work with her and make her a great carer for her son.

You should do it at home over a few days and not expect childminder to do it from day 1.

Btw I am not surprised that childminders are leaving in droves, they work for a pittance and are expected to do and provide a lot.

The secondcoming i find our attitude a bit odd tbh, no its not the childminders job to potty train but to support the child through that period as the child is in THEIR care and pt needs to be consistant, not one thing at home and another at the CM because the CM does not want any mess in their house.

Surely when you become a CM you will understand that kids do come with mess and if you are in charge of toddlers they will have accidents as they will be going through that stage if does not last forever. My goodness TSC 2.5 accidents in 4 hours is nothing and where do you get that idea that if they do that theya re not ready btw . They may be ready but are just getting used to being out of nappies and recognising signs when they need to go. In that case OP send your dc to a nursery they sound more supportive than SOME CMs, though i have read of some wonderful accounts of fantastic and supportive CMs here. You might just have the wrong one for you tbh.

I'm surprised by need2vents reactions. Childminders are expected to well, look after kids. If she is looking after a toddler then toilet training comes with the territory.

I disagree that they are leaving by the droves - actually it often fits in around a mother wanting to stay at home with their own child, but still earn. A symbiotic relationship surely - we sort of need each other.

I adore my childminder and I wouldn't mind providing potties etc - plastic bags - wipes - anything to help really. But my childminder would not be so inflexible as to say 'this is how I'm doing it . . . ' - surely there is an element of 'lets see how it goes for the first week' about toilet training?

Appreciate the childminder will have a routine etc etc but surely she can make an exception for the first few weeks of toilet training?

To be honest the childminder sounds panicky about the whole thing. Potty training is never as bad as you fear! and always such a relief when it is done!

Most childminders I know, are relieved when the child starts using the potty - you stop having to worry about nappy changes. Its a step towards independence.

Helloall, actually CM's are leaving in their droves, and the ones leaving are not the ones doing it to saty at home with there own children, (which is actually the minority) but the ones that do it as a vocation!

But you are right, we do look after children and potty training comes with the job.

I have to do school runs and it can be difficult, so I usually ask parents to wait til either half term or summer holiday, so that we dont have to stick to such a routine.

I supply everything child needs, and no we dont use pull ups (bloody awful things, and most CM's will tell you the same), piddle pads on cars seats, potty under the buggy, lots of spare clothes, and off we go.

replied on other thread

but 100% agree with cat64

yes cm's/childcarers should CONTINUE with PT, but they shouldnt be the ones to start it off and have more than likely 3/4days of many accidents

if the parents think child is ready then can start off at weekends if in full time care

dixia, sounds like your cm has never done it beofre, so you may need to guide her

I love pull ups they are brill, my dd 2.8 years is no way near ready to pt, i did try her in knickers on two occasions for a month each time with disasterous results, the last one ending at the beginning of November. I put her in pull ups as she can learn to pull her pants up and down and its an in between to knickers which she is not ready for. I put her on the potty frequently and she goes in the loo with me and pull ups are just easier.

i think pull ups are confusing for child - they feel like a nappy, yet arnt - so they wee in them

so pants/knickers all the way for me

yes you will have accidents - middle dc was just under 2.5yrs and first few days was horrendous - prob wet himself 7/8times a day, but by end of week was getting the hang of it and by second week was dry, with the very occasional accident

Thesecondcoming are you a child minder ? How scary if you are.

OP YANBU. Whilst I think that you probably should have discussed it in more detail, her attitude stinks and I find the whole '2 accidents and he's back in nappies' quite threatening and I'd be concerned about her actual attitude to him if he DOES have an accident. And if she's never been involved in potty training a child before, all the more reason for her to have researched a bit and read around the issues that training pants can cause.

It's quite sad really that someine who has chosen to work in child CARE is so clueless and hostile about a normal part of child development. Sounds like her motivation for child minding certainly isn't about providing individualised care based on a childs needs.

Yes blond if they are ready they should be in pants, but my dd is not ready yet so i will wait until she is ready, meanwhile she will be in pull ups. I be the end of the month that i tried recently she wet 7 times in one morning and would not understand a thing, just behaved like a baby would so back into pull ups it was. If you are PT and use pull ups it is confusing, but if they are not ready they will not notice the difference.

Im a bit shocked at your childminder tbh, my lo is only 6 months but he is going to a childminder after crimbo when i go back work, ive been to see her a few times and she actually said to me that when i start potty training she will provide a potty and take him every 20 mins or so and not to worry if he has an accident as these things happen, i thought this was the norm with childminders as its the first time ive used one. Good luck with the potty training x

Am I being precious in objecting to the term 'pissing' being used in relation children. It makes me wince.

In relation to children. Sorry.

I would expect the child minder to support this too. My DS's nursery were fully on board when we made the decision to train him and I would say they took the lead in the first instance as we wanted to wait a little longer until his sister had been born but he was asking them to take him to the toilet so they started it off for us.

I also think putting your DS in nappies after 2 accidents is likely to derail the process so I wouldn't be happy with this if I were you. I think 2 accidents in 4.5 hours does not mean your DS is not ready. When were training DS he would have some completely accident free days and other days where he'd wee a few times in a few hours. He was definitely ready - just sometimes he got too carried away with what he was doing to get to the toilet on time.

Hi everyone - I seem to have sparked a bit of a heated debate - which is nice!

Anyway, I have read all the posts with interest and with a little huffiness at times.

I would really like to make it clear that I think I handled things badly when I mentioned the potty training at the beginning of the week to my CM. But I have since thought about this quite a lot, I listened to her and I realise that I could have handled the initial discussion better. I am not a bulldozing parent and I am not pushy. I treat the CM quite well and often listen and value her opinion.

I don't take her for granted and I would be happy to work with her to find a way forward, if she is able to listen to what I am saying. She has actually been quite rude to me, I think. She has disregarded my points of view and isn't trying to meet me half way at all. I feel that as it would be a detriment to my son for him to be put in nappies if he has one to many accidents, then I will insist on pants (unless going in the car or on a big trip). If she is unwilling to do this, then I will look for someone else. It worries me that she would be treating him like a baby and sending mixed messages when I have spent a lot of time using positive reinforcement and not worrying too much about accidents.

Maybe she will decide that she can work with me on this, or maybe she will decide that her own agenda is more important than mine (she has mentioned her carpets and furniture as being a problem - but that is her problem, not mine).

By the way, Day 1 of potty training has gone very well. So far, he has had 2 pee accidents and done 5 pees and 2 poos in the potty. So I think that is brilliant and am very pleased with him. It does sort of prove that he is ready if he is doing that on day 1, so I have no doubt that I am right!

That is very good dixia well done to your ds, wish that my dd was like that. If your CM cant move forward with you on this, no point to baby him and keep him back just because its inconveinient for your CM. Find another CM who will, there are plenty of others highlighted here who are wonderfully supportive. Why stick with somebody who is not right. I question the CMs choice of career if she is worried about her carpets tbh. If i were you i would find another CM meanwhile.

I'm sorry, I just don't get it. You're right, you cannot have her doing one thing and you another. He's doing brillinatly isn't he and so obviously ready for it! She'll end up with him having accidents for fear of having them (iyswim?!) if she is panicky about it all.

Well done to your Ds for 5 pees and 2 poos on day 1 !
I don't think I've ever heard of a child having such success on day 1 !

The thing about the childminders carpets furniture etc maybe a big problem.
If your child has an accident then that area will be out of bounds untill its been cleaned AND dried. I know with my own child we had damp patches EVERYWHERE!

Also you may only have one child having accidents the childminder could have lots over the years. After a while she will have to pay out for carpets to be cleaned and/or replace them.