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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want to take DD to playgroup because of first time mums?

63 replies

Disenchanted3 · 19/11/2009 09:41

DD is my third and by this point I'm just going with the flow, letting her do what she does, not really fussing at all and just getting on with it really

Most of themums at playgroup are first time mums who take their babies to every activity going at Surestart, which is great, I did it with DS but this time I've just not got the time ffor it

But I made an effort to take DD there last Wednesday and I won't be going back again

Struck up conversation with 2 mums, both of which just asked me question after question then proceeded to answer their own questions with regard to their kidsHEr: How old is sh? How many teeth has she got? My Lucy is 9 months, she has 2 teeth,

me- oh erm shes 10 months, got 6 teeth
r- 6 teth wow, whats she eating? Lucys on peress, mostly because

blah, blah, blah, blah, blah

I just wanted to do some painting with her

OP posts:

sweetkitty · 19/11/2009 12:35

I love the DD has only put on 3ozs this week and it's usually 6, the HV says I should think about formula as my milk might not be rich enough for her.

DD3 is weighed once in a blue moon when we get the Wii Fit out, you should have seen the gasps of horror on that one.

And the competive sleeping through thing.

artifarti · 19/11/2009 12:37

For me it was about breaking the ice and TBH the shock of being a first-time mum was so immense for me, I was consumed by it and had no other life to talk about . So you latch on to what you know you have in common - a child. If I was at a work conference, I would ask 'Who do you work for?' or somesuch and during the first term at university all anyone ever asked was 'what a-levels did you do?', 'where do you come from?' and 'what music do you like?' Again and again and again...

I was always looking for reassurance rather than competing (please tell me that someone's DC wakes early than mine? please?!)

Interestingly I met a woman with a DD who lives round the corner when our babies were a few weeks old. I always felt like I was arranging things and she never did and we hardly ever met up in the end. Our children are now 15 months and in the last 3 months we have met up loads more - which coincides with me going back to work p/t and also starting to do all the things I used to again. I have come to the conclusion I was a right boring cow and she probably couldn't bear to spend any time with me droning on about sleep whereas now I have other things to talk about!

So I don't blame you for not going, and competitive and rude people are always to be avoided - but have some pity on the new mums, sleep-deprived and utterly bewildered; if they are like I was, they probably have nothing else to talk about!

Tee2072 · 19/11/2009 12:37

I am a first time mum and don't want to go to playgroup because of first time mums!

So YANBU! At all!

MillyMollyMoo · 19/11/2009 12:38

sweetkitty I see this as our duty to go to these meetings to point out what shite the HV's come out with don't you ?

And to tell the poor whimpering mother in the corner she is not doing it all wrong because the baby is 7 weeks and not sleeping through.

SilkyBreeks · 19/11/2009 12:39

I am so looking forward to my baby but pretty certain we're going to be lonely. None of my friends have babies and will all be at work during the day, and I'm not sure I can face groups after reading this. Think I'm going to befriend pensioners instead...

PoppetOne · 19/11/2009 12:44

Oh no SilkyBreeks, don't think like that. I'm sure there are lovely groups out there, with interesting people. Go and try them, at least it will get you out of the house

MistergodthisisSal · 19/11/2009 12:46

SilkyBreeks, I was in the same situation as you - none of my friends have children, work etc. Go to these groups - even if you don't like it, you'll meet other people with same aged children, or get to know what activities are on when.

For me, that was the benefit of playgroup, even though I stopped going to the actual meeting later. And you never know, you might find a group with people just like you!

I'm still sticking with OP not being Unreasonable, but these things do have the occasional benefit.

Defluffmyfanjo · 19/11/2009 12:54

Molly - don't be ridiculous, of course she walks / runs / jumps etc she has always just liked being carried to and from the car. Like I said its about 5 metres. She does Ballet on a Monday, Bollywood on a Tuesday, football on a Friday etc etc.

Obviously the neighbours wouldn't know this unless they've been stalking us but what business is it of theirs??

And no its not a normal question to ask. We don't speak to these particular neighbours apart from to say hi, we're not friends or even acquaintances so why on earth would they feel it was their place to ask about our daughter's 'disabilities' (or actually lack thereof).

ImSoNotTelling · 19/11/2009 12:54

Just read beginning and end

silky just wanted to say that i made a great group of friends through my postnatal group which was something the borough ran and i asked my HV about after the baby came. We all had the same age babies and were all first time mums so naturally had a lot to talk about much more so than either of my antenatal groups where i didn't really bond with anyone. So ask your HV about post-natal group when she comes to see you after you have had your baby would be my top tip - I am still in touch with my group 2 years on.

I also can't stand toddler groups they are a different ball-game althogether!

SilkyBreeks · 19/11/2009 12:58

I'm sure a couple of weeks of only speaking to the man in the paper shop will send me running for the Surestart centre.
I'm sort of shy but sociable if that makes sense, and I am really worried that I'm not going to fit in with "mum" type people, but I suppose there will be other people who feel like that too. We are definitely going to befriend pensioners though

mumtoem · 19/11/2009 13:13

I also have a really great postnatal group. But it has a mixture of first time mums and ones with 2 or 3 DCs. 18 months on we still meet every few weeks, only now it is an evening in the pub without kids .

I do agree with other posters that asking about kids can be an easy way to start a conversation, but I hated the competitive feeling about sleeping, feeding etc. I will admit to being fairly obsessed about DDs teeth but only because teething makes her reflux so much worse. Also the only reason I have any idea about her weight and height is because the hospital record this at her paediatrician's appointments.

Last weekend I was at a soft play centre and a complete stranger commented on DD's speech - "lots of separate words but no sentences yet. Isn't that quite unusual for her age?". I asked what age she thought DD was and she said that since she is the same height as her DD, she must be about the same age, 27 months. Well no, actually, she is only 18 months but tall for her age.

verytellytubby · 19/11/2009 13:13

When I was a first time mum, I had no interest in milestones, hearing their darling's routine minute by minute so I used to take Hello magazine with me to all the playgroups. Soon got a group of us bitching about the celebs. More fun.

OmicronPersei8 · 19/11/2009 13:14

Silky, you'll be a mum too - every mum starts off not being one, then they become one. I think it's always better to go in with an open mind. Mums do talk about feeding, sleep, nappies etc, but your life will consist of these things too. They will also be women who've had jobs, careers, interests before having children, just like you.

Just wait until you meet someone who isn't a parent and you tell them that you are on maternity leave with a small baby (without getting into any boring details). Watch their eyes glaze over. Please don't dismiss first time mums.

I sometimes find that yes, that mum chat is a bit repetitive, but at the time it was so good to find anyone else who didn't just label me as boring and who cared in anyway about my day-to-day life. I feel a bit for those 'boring' mums.

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