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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to take DD to playgroup because of first time mums?

63 replies

Disenchanted3 · 19/11/2009 09:41

DD is my third and by this point I'm just going with the flow, letting her do what she does, not really fussing at all and just getting on with it really

Most of themums at playgroup are first time mums who take their babies to every activity going at Surestart, which is great, I did it with DS but this time I've just not got the time ffor it

But I made an effort to take DD there last Wednesday and I won't be going back again

Struck up conversation with 2 mums, both of which just asked me question after question then proceeded to answer their own questions with regard to their kidsHEr: How old is sh? How many teeth has she got? My Lucy is 9 months, she has 2 teeth,

me- oh erm shes 10 months, got 6 teeth
r- 6 teth wow, whats she eating? Lucys on peress, mostly because

blah, blah, blah, blah, blah

I just wanted to do some painting with her

OP posts:
YorkshireRose · 19/11/2009 11:05

Annner - love it!

Wish I could think of these come-backs.

Annner · 19/11/2009 11:09

...all said very calmly, and with a patronising and pitiful gaze, of course.

(While I was inwardly willing her just to get up and walk!!!)

YorkshireRose · 19/11/2009 11:13

I was willing DS to get up and walk at the time because he was so damn heavy!

AandO · 19/11/2009 11:13

I only have one child and never knew any of the details about milestones, I just couldn't hold the info in my head for some reason, I still couldn't tell you what age he walked at ! At the toddler group we went to until he started preschool there was no judgement. We did chat about kids alot of course but not in a judgy way, maybe you should try another group?

GhoulsAreLoud · 19/11/2009 11:16

Oh god my friend is like this.

She's just had her second and STILL like this. Obsessing over how many ounces he's put on and what centile he's on.

It is so DULL. I found it dull with my PFB too.

Booyhoo · 19/11/2009 11:16

glitternickaz, that's awful. does she say that to your face?

i couldnt speak to her if she said about mine.

Glitterknickaz · 19/11/2009 11:21

Err.... yes she says it to my face and anyone who will listen. She's gobby.

Another favoured phrase is "special schools, put mongs with mongs, you get more mongs"

I give up I honestly do.

PrammyMammy · 19/11/2009 11:32

There is a toddler group just the next street from my home. I took ds there for about a year. I was the youngest mum there and no one really spoke to me, but you got the odd young mum coming to try it out and moving on.
The place was full of competitions and comments. Was horrible.
I bf my ds until he was 5 months - but he didn't walk till he was 14 months and one lady who had a dd walk at 10 months (and was still bf) said to me, in front of her little group - "That is dd walking, i think ds(my ds) is a little behind because he isn't bf". I felt like such an idiot! He was bf, but because he wasn't still bf that is why he wasn't walking?

Another time was about juice (the dreaded fruit shoot aha) My ds was the one with the offending drink (shoot me) Another mum made a comment about it, in a jokey kind of patronizing way, as her ds happily sucked black current from a baby bottle.

The places drive me crazy. I have just had a dd and keep saying i will go to get ds out the house but just can't push myself.

BalloonSlayer · 19/11/2009 11:39

prammymammy!

Wish I'd been there to sort the cow out for you!

I have bf all my DCs for 18m, 2.3 yrs, 2.2 years (still ongoing) and all have walked late and needed speech therapy.

I was wondering the other day if my breastfeeding for longer was causing the speech delay (older 2 DCs speech caught up no problem), for no particular reason, just an idle thought.

I even pondered starting a thread about it!

MistergodthisisSal · 19/11/2009 11:40

This was one of the reasons I went back to work earlier than originally planned - even though I only have one ds, I never really felt at ease in the groups! It's not as if I didn't care about ds of course, but people seemed to get obsessed about tiny things!

I guess it was good for meeting people though, as I became good friends (one-on-one, we ditched the group) with someone I met there.

Maybe there are a lot of first-time moms who aren't that bad anymore, but you just don't see them there?

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 19/11/2009 11:40

I really know how it feels. I was already a bit bored of it all by DC3 but now with DC4 i avoid most and just go to the odd thing with her that I can have a cuppa with some likeminded mums. Stopped going to NCT group with DC3 as it just felt like groundhog day and I felt I was probably a little intolerant of people moaning about how hard 1 DC is when I had dropped 1 to school 1 to playgroup was trying to entertain DC3 and pregnant with DC4!!! I really could not bear another conversation about weight, weaning or sleep! AAARRRGGGHH!

fedup1981 · 19/11/2009 11:41

I find it so, so hard to speak to people, particularly women, and especially women around my age group, so when I do pluck up the courage to speak to someone at toddlers, the easiest way to start a conversation is pick the one thing we obviously have in common: kids. It's far easier to ask "what's your little one's name? how old is she?" etc than asking direct questions of an adult who probably doesn't want to speak to me. It's an opener, that's all. I don't give a crap how many teeth her child has.

So nice to know that I'm probably being sneered at by some mothers for showing an interest in their children. Perhaps I should go back to not speaking at toddlers at all, it'd fit in with the rest of my fucking day that's for sure.

MistergodthisisSal · 19/11/2009 11:44

Fedup, I don't think it's that - surely a general chit-chat first time you meet someone is ok.

Some people never get past this though, so the same thing every single time! And also - and you're clearly not like this - a lot of moms get super-competitive and judgey.

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 19/11/2009 11:46

Am certainly not sneering or competitive. Just choose to generally steer clear of these activities. Would never talk to someone rudely and will always engage politely in a conversation.

MillyMollyMoo · 19/11/2009 11:46

Not being funny or anything but what do you expect at a mums and toddlers groups ?
I am looking forward to meeting local mums w3hen I have my 4th and if I can impart advice having been there and got the tshirt to first timers then brilliant that's what it's all about isn't it ?

People generally find socialising hard work and the kids are a good way of breaking the ice, later you do have break away groups who you like as people not just mummies.

I despair sometimes and find it interesing that lots of the whiners on MN spend a hell of a lot of time here, maybe they need more RL pals ?

ToffeeCrumble · 19/11/2009 11:49

I kind of agree with Fedup. I think its nice that the mums were making the effort to chat to you rather than just sticking with their usual cliques as can happen at toddler groups. I suppose the easiest thing to think of to say is to ask questions about kids. Were you asking them questions back about other stuff to keep the conversation going? Or did you not want to talk?

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 19/11/2009 11:53

Got plenty of RL pals Milly and promise you am not whiney just like to have a bit of a moan once in a while to people who know what being a mum can be like at times.

flockwallpaper · 19/11/2009 11:54

Can you try going along on a different day, or try a different group? Our surestart centre attracts a different crowd each day. We know that Mondays are quite cliquey and unfriendly for some reason, but the rest of the week is usually fine.

FerretInYourTrews · 19/11/2009 12:05

By Riven Thu 19-Nov-09 10:10:07
I hated the opener 'whats wrong with her?' when they saw dd2

I know it shouldn't be an opener (how rude are they!) but just wondering how do you prefer people asking about you dd? I have to admit it's something I never know how to broach.
A friend of mine has got a really bad scar on her face and she hates it when people just look and then ignore it but carry on taking little 'glances' at it. She's rather be asked what happened.

fernie3 · 19/11/2009 12:10

I took my secnod but havent taken my third mainly because it all seems so pointless when I am constantly out at nurseries and schools and she is surrounded by children mess and noise at home anyway! She enjoys alone time in the mornings when my second is at nursery (oldest is in school full time)

When she was about 3 months the health visitor said how many weeks is she now - and I got it totally wrong I just couldnt remember but with my first I knew weeks and days until about a year old lol

Defluffmyfanjo · 19/11/2009 12:13

Got this with the neighbours! One of them made a special journey over the road, practically running, when he saw my DP so that he could say to him....

'My wife's been wondering, is there something wrong with your daughter?'

My DP said 'Sorry?'

and he said 'Well everytime we see you you're always carrying her and she must be 3 now so we wondered if she was disabled'

Actually, no she's just lazy and even now at nearly 5 she gets DP to carry her from the car to the house - its about 5 metres. Just couldn't believe the neighbour cared and thought it appropriate to ask!

PoppetOne · 19/11/2009 12:21

I must admit to being totally shocked at how people assume they can tell you exactly what they think about your pregancy/child/weight/appearance and you won't be offended.

I attended a Baby Massage class with my DD and I refuse to go to any other group. The mothers were so competitive it was ridiculous. I couldn't give a fig what their child did, dunno what I expected, probably a group of adults who I could have a reasonable conversation with.......

thisxgirl · 19/11/2009 12:26

I had my first DS four months ago and I don't take him to any playgroups, mostly because I have no desire to regularly sit around and talk about babies with people I've never met before and may only have parenthood in common with. Does that make me a miserable cow? Many other first time mothers just don't have the same attitude that I do. I realised that very early on when I met other mothers at the clinic. There were lots of teenage mothers and lots of mothers in their early thirties but not many around my age (25) - and
generally the ages of these mothers seemed to impact their approach/lifestyles. I get irritated by the awe of first-time mothers too - of course I'm in absolute awe of my DS but I don't expect anybody else to be!

I fit DS into my lifestyle, though of course I do include activities and interacting with lots of people (including some babies of different ages). I'm not going to forge friendships with people just because we both have young babies...

PoppetOne · 19/11/2009 12:29

BTW, meant to put on post I am a first time Mum! and all I get is 'ooooh, aren't you relaxed' - just what the hell should I be?

mollythetortoise · 19/11/2009 12:34

but defluffmyfanjo, that's a fair enough question isn't it? if you always see a nearly 5 year old being carried and never walking themselves.

I would ask that question too. It's an obvious conculsion to draw IMO.

I would start to encourage her to walk though - she's lazy as you allow her to be.

Does she NEVER walk? that can't be possible!