To be annoyed with nursery

[twittergirl]

Am getting really sick of comments from my DS's nursery but not sure if I am just being over sensitive so would appreciate an outsider's perspective on this.

My DS is 13 months old and every time I pick him up I just get a long litany of things he can't do yet - he isn't walking/drinking from a beaker/eating big lumps/feeding himself.

I am finding it really disheartening to be told all his "faults" every day. I am fully aware that many 13 month olds can do all these things but by no means all of them do and I don't think the fact that he can't yet makes him backwards in anyway. I have no problem at all with them encouraging him to do these things but don't think they should be making an issue of it if he isn't ready yet. They even wrote in his diary one day that he wasn't feeding himself because he was "lazy" which made me furious (although I think they actually meant it as a joke)! He's not lazy ffs, he's just not ready yet.

I haven't said anything to his key worker yet as I think it's really important that we maintain a good relationship but these endless comments are really starting to get to me.

What do you all think? Is this an issue? Or am I just being over sensitive?

If it does not stop i would start looking for another nursey.
Both my boys have been at nursery since 8 months, both 'late' walkers, DS1 19 months, DS2 17 months but whenever i voiced concern they were very reassuring, said they all do things at different rates and told me about all the great things they could do. (i kind of knew trhis was the case but nice to get reassurance from people who have acred for 100's of different children!)

Nursery staff are there to support your child and you, not to make you feel like this.
YADNBU and should speak to the manager asap

YANBU - I have a 13 month old who cannot do any of those things either, and is making no attempt to. To be honest, I would have been livid at the "lazy" comment - what a thing to say about a baby!

I used to get this from ds' nursery and it did annoy me but I mostly tried to shrug it off as their ignorance. It was more annoying when dh was on the receiving end because he'd take it as gospel and come back to me going on about what ds should or shouldn't be doing. Now THAT really got to me.

This new nursery is better but ds was toilet trained at 22 months and he started there at 24 months. Great, right? Meh. Apparently he should have also been pulling his trousers/pants up and down by himself and able to get on and off the toilet by himself. He can just about do these things now at 2.7. Made me a bit when at that age he was the only one in a class of older kids that was out of nappies.

But on the whole its a great nursery, he loves his teacher, has a couple of great little mates and is very happy. So I just swallow my pride and know that I DO know better

next time they say anything along those lines i would say
"do you think he has learning difficulties?" or something similar to which of course they will say, uh, no, stutter etc..

then i would say "so why are you making this point on a regular basis. it is very ignorant and i am finding it very annoying".

they clearly have no idea of the impact this has and what a stupid comment it is.

and YADNBU!

Indeed - I would call their bluff by telling them if they were genuinely concerned, they'd be referring him, not just complaining to you. YANBU

Is he getting ready for another room? DS1's nursery got all antsy about his lack of interest in feeding himself just before he was due to be moved to toddlers. I finally got fed up and raised it with his key worker. It turned out that the girls in toddlers gave the girls in babies a hard time if babies arrived not feeding themselves .

I had a meeting with the manager, and she gave the whole lot of them a talking to and we had no more trouble. I wasn't the only mother to complain. There was a similar issue with children moving to the pre-school room (3-4) still in nappies or having regular accidents.

Incidentally, DS2's nursery avoids all these problems by moving babies up when they are developmentally ready rather than as soon as possible after their birthday - a much better policy (and one I asked about when we looked round). He is moving up to toddlers this week at at age 18mo, while some start there at 11mo.

But a lot of the development steps have quite a broad age range don´t they, foeg 12-18 months?

If you are happy with the nursery apart from this, I would tell them you don´t want to hear about what he can´t do but what he can do.

Or do they think that you´re so busy that you haven´t noticed these things yourself?

Are you worried?
If not, then there´s no problem.

This is what´s wrong with many parents imo, competetiveness to meet "milestones".

Sheesh, some won´t be happy until they are born walking, talking & bag packed ready for first day of school!

I also found my son was for want of a better word "lazy", in that once he could do things would still be happy enough to let others do it for him.

Daughtr much more determined to be independant ASAP!

Don´t know if it´s a male/female or personality thing.

find a new nursery, their attitude sounds skewed.

yanbu, my friend had a similar experience with her 15 month old, she enrolled him at a nursery and the staff told her to encourage him to try to walk so he could join in the activities , as he was "only" crawling.

nurseries should be encouraging not critical, i was worried about dds walking (finally mobilised at 17 months) and they constantly resaaured me that she was perfectly normal and would get up on her feet when she was ready.

Thanks all for your comments. It's reassuring to hear about all your babies/toddlers that have developed at different times. I wasn't really worried about him but must admit I was starting to wonder after getting so many comments!

Acebaby - not he's not about to move rooms yet. I think he's at least 6 months away from that, but they do often feed the babies with the toddlers so I think this close proximity to older children might be what's leading to these comments. It's all started since he turned one and (in their eyes I think) went from being a baby to a toddler in terms of their approach.

In general his nursery and key worker are great and he's happy there so I don't want to move him but thanks for all the tips about how to raise this issue. I do think it's about time I said something now or I'm just going to get more angry/upset as time goes on.

yanbu

all children are different

my dc 16mths doesnt walk or talk (obv few words)

and we get remarks from other people

i just say she has 16teeth and sleeps all night 7-7 - we cant have it all

the nursery/staff should know better

That is terrible. I was a supervisor in a baby unit, and we never focused on the things the child couldnt do. We focused on the things they could do and things they were improving on in a positive way.
If this was any of my staff in my unit they would be put straight away on a disaplinary.

YANBU.
Poor you and ds, comments like that are really not helpful or useful. Every child is different and they should be allowed to develop at their own pace and not be pushed into doing things.
I don't think I could keep quiet, I'd have to say something, especially as you are finding it so upsetting (as I would too).
I think I would be tempted to say something like
'my son is not a performing seal and he will do things as and when he is ready'.
Or
'I'm sorry i didn't realise it was a race, I thought the nursery encouraged all children to be individual, which includes developing at their own pace.'

My 2.8 year old is a little slow on some milestones, cant pull trousers up and down and dress herself, not ready for toilet training, speaks short sentances but sometimes reverts to baby babble, still has a dummy and milk for nap or bedtimes, even though i know that she is fine and will do those things in time, pressure is put on parents from outside. Like one poster said, as soon as they are out of the womb, they want them toilet trained, eating 3 square meals and able to hold a conversation about the state of the welfare state and be ready for school! Give babies a chance to be babies and to develop at their own pace, they will do those things in time.

I would have a talk to your nursery manager about it as the behaviour of the staff sounds very unprofessional and negative thus can transfer this onto the child.

YANBU at all.

YA most definately NOT BU

How dare they only focus on what they call "negatives" and not on the positives. I am sure if he is your first or not, but given the vast amounts of monies you doubtless spend I would consider starting to look at other options.And its NORMAL ffs!!!

I feel quite upset on your behalf actually!

My (now sacked) childmindertold me my beloved was "spolit" when he was lkess than 1 years old!

anyway YANBU and dont assume this is OK

Totally agree Boffinista, i have studied Psychology incl child pysch for up to post grad level so do understand a bit more about child development than some of these nursery teachers who have barely left school. Its my knowledge on the subject that prevents me from worrying about my dd 2.8years. IMO there should be no curriculum for early years, instead babies/toddlers should be free from government testing and targets. My dd has started nursery 2 a week, but thankfully they do not mention anything about milestones and dd not attaining some of them yet, if they would i would put my educational hat on lol

Ds's nursery raises any concerns but always focuses on the positives, and they've never made any negative comments on his walking / talking / toilet training. He's been average or slightly later for all.

OMG i was quite slow to develop certain milestones as a baby/toddler, if i was that age now i would be seeing a SENCO and classed as having a learning difficulty before i have even started.

Yes, you would see a SENCO, but they would do sweet fa to help you because it's all about testing and not about supporting.

Thanks all for being so sympathetic. It's great to be reassured that my feelings on this are normal (he is my first DC so wasn't sure if I was over-reacting to their comments).

Boffinista and others that have mentioned things like early years curriculum - perhaps you are right about this as I have seen a definite change in the attitude of some of the staff since he turned 1, like he's now in a different category. They're still great carers, but seems to expect more from him all of a sudden.

I think if comments continue to be made I will politely emphasise that children develop at different rates, and if that doesn't solve the problem I will take the issue up with the managers.

agree Boffinista, there seems to be a lack of common sense amongst some people and lateral thinking too.

YANBU He's still a baby, he's fine, the nursery isn't.

boffinista - really interesting post. I'd love to read your paper. The use of milestones as targets is particularly annoying if you have an 'uneven' child. For example, DS1 was reading fluently before he could wipe his own bum - causing great consternation at nursery. They seemed to think that if you are at EYFS checklist number 10 (or whatever) for one thing, you should be at that level for everything. This wouldn't matter, except it made them put him under more pressure to achieve bum wiping milestones than they would other children. My instinct says that this is silly, but it would be great if someone could post a link about correlations, or lack of them, between different types of milestones.

Sorry for the hijack!

boffinista, I agree with what you say. I am a nursery worker currently doing a degree course. I have learn a lot already and have 2 more years to go!. If only everyone in the early years sector was as well educated as they are in other countries.
I would be interested in reading your paper too.
OP, YANBU
Ignore the nursery nurse.
Or, ask for a meeting with his key person, so you can look at his learning journey(or whatever they call it at that nursery) and check what they have written. If they have written anything negative at all move him.
Children's development starts with what they can do. Not what they cannot. Any good nursery nurse knows that.