To refuse to wear earplugs at night?

[ReformedCharacter]

DP is a loud snorer. I've had enough of being woken up several times each night and being grumpy and tired all day. For the past 2 weeks I've made him sleep on the sofa and it has been bliss. I've felt 10 years younger.

Over the weekend DP said that he couldn't continue to sleep on the sofa as it was too uncomfortable and that he wanted to come back to our bed. So he's been back sleeping with me for the past 2 nights...and I feel like shit again. I badly overslept this morning due to him waking me up several times last night and I'm so tired.

I think the answer is to buy a sofa bed/camp bed/spare mattress that he sleeps on in the living room. He thinks he has a right to sleep in our bed and that I should wear earplugs. I don't want to wear earplugs because I can't stand having blocked ears and I'm worried that I won't hear DS or my alarm clock.

Am I being unreasonable or is he? Or, is there an alternative that neither of us has thought of?

Thanks Riven

Slim, tbh, my relationship with DP is in tatters because of his snoring. When I'm not losing sleep because of him I'm far more loving towards him.

I don't like talk about "rights". In truth he has no more "right" to sleep in your bed than you have a "right" not to be disturbed by his snoring. But I do agree that a sensible compromise is, er, sensible. It isn't reasonable to expect anyone to sleep on a sofa permanently since it won't be as comfortable as a bed. So why don't you try wearing ear plugs (as a trial only) while your DH gets himself to your GP to check out any medical reasons why he snores so appallingly?

Have you tried those strips that stick on the nose that athletes use to help keep nasal passage clear? MIL makes FIL wear them.

Either that or a pillow over his face

1 Why doesn't he go to the doctor to sort out the snoring problems? There's a lot of treatments available and the doctors treat this seriously.

2 I can't see why you won't compromise in the short term with the earplugs. I think it is an excellent idea. I would have thought it would be better to do this than kick your DH out. I know mine would be offended if I suggested such a thing.

I do understand about the lack of sleep completely. I am a monster when sleep deprived so I do sympathise with you.

Totally agree Pikelit, was just about to post the same thing.
I'd agree to wear earplugs to try them and only as a temporary measure as long as he agreed to look into the causes of the snoring.

TELL HIM that you feel the relationship is really suffering due to the snoring and that him going to the docs and getting it sorted is a small price to pay to save the relationship!!

YABU to expect him to permanently sleep on anything that is not a real bed.

If it's a case of real bed (but not with you) or with you and you wear earplugs, that's for you to work out together.

Seriously though, could you maybe try earplugs with DH waking you when he gets up so you don't have to worry about sleeping through the alarm? Or is there too great a difference between him and you getting up?

Agree that maybe an app with GP would rule out any serious underlying issues.

Sorry, should have mentioned about the medical treatment in OP. Not trying to do an AIBU by stealth.

DP went for tests at a sleep clinic last year. They said he very likely had sleep apnoea. He was invited back to collect a machine that would monitor his sleeping for a few nights at home to give them more information. He was tied up at work, and despite my nagging, never collected the machine. I have been on at him all year to contact them again, and 2 weeks ago told him that he was banned from our bedroom until he sorted it out. He phoned last week to be told that he'd need to go back for the initial tests again (involved sticking tubes up his nose) as it's been so long since they were first done. He is refusing to do this, so we are looking at a long term solution here.

Sorry for stealth reveal

YANBU. What is it with men and anything vaguely medical?

The tests are painful Princess.

I've spoken to other people who've had them done and they've confirmed that having rods stuck up your nose is agony, so I don't doubt him.

Riven, is your husband is a spare bedroom or on the sofa?

Apart from if they are medics themselves of course but the rest only seem interested if it involves SAS survival techniques and the like. I wish they'd realise that it's more macho to man up and go to the doctor.

theworld. Perhaps he'd be more willing if they were proposing to investigate his nasal passages with a Swiss Army knife gadget.

You do have my total sympathy - you absolutely do. But I do think that YABU in the short term. It may well be afixable problem so digging your heels in about not wearing earplugs/ making him sleep on the sofa may just cause unnessecary angst.

I'd be looking at compromise in the short term. DH is waiting for another apointment. He's had sleep apnoea rulled out so is now haing 3 months worth of anti histamines and a steroid nasal spray which actually do seem to be helping. You can buy an anti histamine over the counter.

You WILL still hear the kids though earplugs - Boots do lovely squishy foamy ones

Or maybe you need to do alternate nights on the sofa ?

Some nights now DH is fine.On a 'bad' night, we sort of take it in turns to sleep downstairs.

And make him go back to the doctor

YABU, its not his fault he snores!!!! wear the plugs but also request he sees his GP

imagine the response if a woman postred saying her husband kciked her out of bed for snoring!!!!

Yes, I know Riven. I think this may be at the centre of his reluctance to sort this out. He drives for a living and thinks that a DX of sleep apnoea will result in him losing his job. I don't know about this as at least one of his colleagues also has sleep apnoea. I think his boss would move him to a non-driving position if need-be anyway.

If he does have sleep apnoea you may exchange the snoring for a noisy CPAP machine though, so his investigations won't necessarily solve the noise problem, but I'd be annoyed if my bloke didn't try. Agree he has as much right to sleep in a bed as you though and you could try ear plugs, he can hear the alarm etc.
If he's overweight then getting him to lose it would probably help.

porcamiseria, if a man posted saying that his wife snored so loudly that he was seriously sleep deprived and she had no intention of trying to sort it out I would support him completely.

Sassybeast, thanks for the info. That could turn out to be very helpful. DP cannot breathe through his nose at all and claims that he's never been able to, which I doubt tbh! None of the usual things have helped us so far, such as mandibular advancement thingy and nasal strips, but we've not heard of trying anti-histamines.

Glad to hear that you're making progress with this

He is overweight 2Rebecca. His plan is to lose weight, hoping that he can resolve his snoring naturally (must admit that he didn't snore at all before he gained weight). If he has sleep apnoea though, he's going to find it really hard to lose weight without help (or so I've been told).

Reformed - the thinking behind the anti histamines is that the snoring is caused purely by an allergy. DH is excatly like yours - he makes aHUGE fuss about not being able to breath properly through his nose - blardy drama queen Am hoping that we've found the answer long term - next step is some sort of surgery to shave bits off the insdie of his nose!!!!!!

YANBU - I would loathe wearing earplugs.
DH and I don't share a bed now because I mostly sleep with DS and DH can't stand there being 3 of us in the bed. Tis not a problem for us - he is a complete nightmare without sleep and it does solve the occasional snoring ishoos (but my biggest relief is from the farting!)

It is not good for him to stay on a sofa though - he needs proper support so if you haven't a spare room with bed, then a blow-up or sofabed for downstairs sounds like a good compromise. If he won't sleep on it, you might have to though!