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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be a bit shocked at my GP's phraseology?

41 replies

Greensleeves · 17/11/2009 11:32

My GP and I have a bit of a history - we have ahd a few run-ins and disagreements over the years - but on the whole we have a reasonable rapport, he knows my dh and children etc. There's a sort of "witty banter" dynamic, he fancies himself as a raconteur) He's been treating me for aniety/panic disorder/depression/chronic hypertension for wuite a few years now

I went to him today to say that I am struggling, I am not sleeping, am anxious and feeling very low and having lots of myclonic jerks and palpitations and all that stuff. We were supposed to be trying to "tailor down" my medication but it has had to go back up

He asked me about what was going on in my life, any changes etc - and I told him that although my everyday life is now pretty stable - better than ever in fact - this seems to have opened the floodgates for bad memories and feelings about my (now estranged) mother and stepfather's treatment of me/siblings while growing up

I mentioned that my stepfather had done a few things which were inappropriate and that I was feeling bad about it - until I cut off contact with them a couple of years ago I had pushed this stuff aside because I couldn't have coped with the day-to-day contact with them any other way IYSWIM

so I told the GP this, and he said, rather flippantly "Ooh, have you been fiddled with?"

to which I replied "Um, nothing he could have gone to prison for, but inappropriate behaviour"

I felt really really embarrassed

He did everything else right, offered to put me on a list for counselling, gave me the prescription for the increased dose etc

but am I being oversensitive? "Fiddled with", it's made me feel sick and wish I hadn't said anything

OP posts:

TheArmadillo · 17/11/2009 11:34

YANBU - it's a rather insensitive way to handle an extremely sensitive subject.

petitmaman · 17/11/2009 11:34

that's awful. sorry nothing helpful to add. i would probably say something to the practice manager. that is not very sensitive

StealthPolarBear · 17/11/2009 11:35

yes thats very inappropriate imo
could ou change GPs? sounds as though your relationship with him is making it difficult to be GP-patient and fully professional

TheCrackFox · 17/11/2009 11:40

Good grief, that is awful. He sounds like a bit of an arse. Is there a chance you could see a different GP?

clam · 17/11/2009 11:43

No, you are NOT being oversensitive. His flippant use of such a dreadful term trivialised your experiences and feelings.

Arse.

Original poster

Greensleeves · 17/11/2009 11:44

he said "you're not thinking of DOING anything, are you?"

I said "No of course not, I have kids"

he said "Oh well, I have to ask"

I don't know why but the whole encounter has left me feeling really horrible, like my insides have been scraped out

I'm sure I am being oversensitive

OP posts:

jeee · 17/11/2009 11:44

Inappropriate - but is your GP nearing retirement? That is precisely the phrase that my mother, who is early 60s, uses to describe her severe abuse by her father.

tulpe · 17/11/2009 11:45

Seriously, you need to complain about his use of that phrase.

It is vile. I would feel degraded and sick if those words were used towards me too.

Not only is it totally insensitive but it also implies a deep lack of understanding and compassion.

Speak with the practice manager. If it were me, and I had no luck with the practice manager, I would be straight on to the PCT.

I am so and on your behalf. You did not deserve to be on the receiving end of such ill-thought out words.

Pikelit · 17/11/2009 11:46

I'd change your GP. If I had "aniety/panic disorder/depression/chronic hypertension", the last thing I'd need was to suffer the medical attentions of someone who thinks he's appearing Live at the Apollo. And that's before the "fiddling" remarks.

Original poster

Greensleeves · 17/11/2009 11:47

HELP oh god oh god

background to this is that I have kept this from everyone except dh for years

never told my dad because I thought he would kill him or something

a couple of weeks ago I got drunk and TOLD my dad about the time my stepfather stuck his hand up my skirt - in front of my mother - when I was 19

managed to make my dad promise not to "do" anything but have felt terribly guilty about how he must feel

am sat here in floods of tears feeling like I have been broken open

and have just had a phone call to say that my dad (who lives 150 miles away) is HERE and will be staying the night, and he will be here in about half an hour

I CANNOT be crying and upset about this when he gets here

OP posts:

TheArmadillo · 17/11/2009 11:48

You are not being oversensitive with any of this.

This is a very sensible and emotional subject and as such your gp should know that it needs to be handled with care, not with glib phrases.

tulpe · 17/11/2009 11:48

jeee - I can see where you are coming from with regards to age/generational thing but tbh it just doesn't hold with me.

It's like saying "oh its okay for X to be racist because he grew up in the 50's and that's what they did then".

It isn't okay at all.

brimfull · 17/11/2009 11:49

very inappropriate use of words that sound belittleing
sorry that you feel upset

Boco · 17/11/2009 11:50

He was flippant and unprofessional.

I guess you need to decide if you can over look that because you have ok rapport with him and he does take the right practical action, or if it is making you feel worse to broach sensitive issues with him because of his inability to approach things sensitively.

I don't think it's oversensitive - if it's making you feel worse then it's a real issue.

jeee · 17/11/2009 11:50

Yes, I'm not trying to defend it - but I thought that it might be easier for Greensleeves if she thought it came from a different generation rather than a completely twattish GP.

edam · 17/11/2009 11:51

Greeny sorry your GP was so horribly thoughtless.

How did it go with your Dad?

tulpe · 17/11/2009 11:53

Greensleeves, I know its terribly un-MN behaviour but I am sending you a hug because you sound like you desperately need it.

That raw-ness I can totally relate to. Just let it go - cry as much as you need to.

Your step-father and mother sound vile. I am so sorry you have had this pain in your life.

You have half an hour to sob. If your eyes are red when dad arrives just tell him you have a banging cold - your nose will be snotty too so that helps support your little white lie

Don't feel guilty about how your dad might be feeling. You have a right to confide in your loved ones and your dad will find a way to deal with it. The fact that you confided in him shows that you must trust him.

tulpe · 17/11/2009 11:55

jeee - totally understand what you meant. Sorry. Very emotive subject. Did not mean to jump down your throat.

PercyPigPie · 17/11/2009 11:56

How dreadfully insensitive the GP - you'd have to be pretty insensitive not to be offended by that.

I do hope you get some professional help FAST. Could you go privately for a bit until an appointment comes through on the NHS?

NotQuiteCockney · 17/11/2009 11:58

Aw shit, Greeny. How will your father handle this? Is he likely to want to talk about it all?

I don't know what to say about the GP - it sounds like you like him ok, despite his faults. Is there any chance of you getting counselling to help with all this? It's a heavy load to carry on your own, and plenty of people have needed lots of help for less.

Original poster

Greensleeves · 17/11/2009 12:00

dad isn't coming to see me as such, he's coming because my dh is helping him proofread his book

he will want to consign it to oblivion and not talk about it, that's why it's a disaster that he's coming now

OP posts:

edam · 17/11/2009 12:02

sorry to hear that Greeny.

pippa251 · 17/11/2009 12:04

do not feel guilty or embarroused- what your step father did was SEXUAL ABUSE and you may not feel that it was anything he could have gone to prison for but his behaviour has had a huge impact on you.

You are not over reacting- indeed this casual touching etc can be very destroying as it is done in such a 'normal' manner. You have had to live for years with this eating away at you- YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME. You did not ask for this and did not encourage it.

I know this from personal experience- que 5 years with an eating disorder and a horrendous relationship with my family until the day he died (grandfather) when I finally felt able to deal with my deamonds and realise it was abuse. I confided into my antie who then revealed it happened to her also.

I never felt his behaviour justified me telling anyone as he did it with a smile and was such a liked man- however I wish I had. You are not alone and you have done well telling your father.

xxx

NotQuiteCockney · 17/11/2009 14:00

If he was coming to see you to talk about it, that would at least make sense.

Do you want to talk about it with him?

Can you just avoid him as much as possible, be v busy with the boys, if you don't want to talk to him about it, and don't want to get upset?

CarryOnDancing · 17/11/2009 15:54

My goodness, your GP is without unexcusable and should not be allowed to get away with such a blase approach to a very difficult situation. No good can come of seeing such an uncompassionate person, change GP asap!

You are doing the best thing starting to confront this and having a barrier between you and your dad discussing it must be a huge burden. Lift the weight and talk to him, you will feel much better, you don't deserve to feel bad about this.

I really hope all the positive support on here makes you feel a little stronger, what has happened to you is appauling and I am sending you lots of smiles to cheer you up

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