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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to take over all the housework?

49 replies

AreAnyNamesAvailable · 17/11/2009 09:12

DS is now two months, I still feel slightly like I have been run over by a truck and am knackered from doing all the night feeds. DH has just announced that he thinks it is time that I took over all the housework (which we shared while we were both working). I don't mind doing the stuff during the day but he is adament that he will not do any cooking, washing up or tidying in the evenings either because, and I quote, "You get free time during the day". I do, when DS is napping, but I spend it doing the jobs like hoovering and washing, while DS is awake I want to spend time with him, not just for fun but so that he develops and learns constantly. Now I am busy all day, cook and wash up in the evening, tidy up after DS has gone to bed and still do the night feeds. Grrrr. OK, rant over, all you domestic goddesses who already do everything, keep a perfect house and have perfect children can come out now and tell me IABU

OP posts:
Nyx · 17/11/2009 09:17

YANBU. Free time with a two month old wasn't exactly 'free time' if I remember correctly...it was head down and snooze if at all possible otherwise you're zombieing around for the rest of the day. It sounds like you actually DO housework during the day already - I bow down to you in awe (I didn't really even get that much done at the 2 month stage)!

He's not expected to do everything...he is expected not to sit on his behind and do nothing though. Good luck.

Alambil · 17/11/2009 09:20

oh, that's ok - just get your own dinner, wash and tidy up after yourself and leave the rest... vote with your feet (well, hands)

Original poster
AreAnyNamesAvailable · 17/11/2009 09:20

Thanks, I am fed up of feeling guilty every time I sit down! Have not used the daytime to catch up on sleep since DS was 3wks and am now a bit doolally... I think we both underestimated how hard having kids actually is!

OP posts:
lorrycat · 17/11/2009 09:21

YANBU

Raising a child is a full time job in itself. Running a house is also a full time job in its own right. So basically your DH wants you to do double the work whilst still feeling the effects of child birth and night time feeds. I'm sorry but your DH is being a bit of a disgrace.

Yes, it is perfectly normal to still feeling shattered at this stage. I didn't start to feel it until about 6 weeks after the birth, until the shock and 'high' of what had happened was gone and I settled down into a routine.

Your DH needs to accept that you both are responsible for housekeeping and your DS. In my opinion he should also be doing night feeds. Afterall, being a father doesn't mean just donating sperm and then sitting back to watch your wife do all the hard work!

Jackaroo · 17/11/2009 09:21

DH is clearly deluded. I suggest asking him to get involved in an experiment one weekend soon (why not the next?) and had darling newborn to himself, bringing him to you merely for feeds (or not at all if ff)....

Seriously, he needs to find a clue, and he won't find it hidden under the remote control or the sofa cushions.

HTH

IMoveTheStarsForNoOne · 17/11/2009 09:25

Swap days with your DP - he'll soon change his tune!

gentle remind him that a 2mo is not a fricking holiday and that if your DS is sleeping, you should be too!!!

Original poster
AreAnyNamesAvailable · 17/11/2009 09:25

DH did look after him one morning for 3 hours. During this time he managed to do the washing up and a couple of other jobs because he left DS in a chair with a dummy. I use the dummy myself, but not to catch up on jobs, I want to spend time talking to and playing with my DS when he is awake. Don't think DH understands that children do not learn to talk/interact/play on their own. Might summon up the courage to have a word...

OP posts:
Alambil · 17/11/2009 09:29

3 hours is nothig - he needs at least the whole weekend INCLUDING the night waking

Nyx · 17/11/2009 09:35

I agree - 3 hours is nothing at all!

RemyMartin · 17/11/2009 09:37

I wonder if your DH works all day without a break, or does he have a lunch break etc. like most people? Why shouldn't you have a break from your work too? YANBU

diddl · 17/11/2009 09:39

WheI became a SAHM, I took on "all the housework".

But that meant I did what I could!

I did sleep when baby did if necessary, and housework came second to that as we knew it wouldn´t go on forever.

Also kept housework to a minimum of course.

So for example didn´t really bother with the bedrooms that weren´t in use, put ornaments away so that there were just surfaces to dust etc.

But what tidying is there? you are 2 adults and a baby!

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 17/11/2009 09:39

Why do you need to 'summon up the courage'? Seriously, if you have an equal relationship then your needs/wants etc are as valid as his.

FWIW, I'm a SAHM to a 16 month old. Yes I do all the actual cleaning, but once DH is home from work then we share jobs. He cooks, loads the washing machine, tidies up, loads the dishwasher.

I think your husband is being an arse, frankly!

Threelittleducks · 17/11/2009 09:42

I think it's time you started swapping him on his time off. And your job to go to is.....?

To feel more like a human being!!!

Baby needs you to be on top of things. Give yourself a break - plenty of women will back you up on this one. You will be full of hormones still, tired still from having your baby, plus the added extras of disturbed nights and all the rest.

It is his JOB to make sure you guys are well and coping. And if you take over the housework I guarantee that soon you will be neither of these!

Have a word....for your sanity!!!

Good luck! xxx

AnyFucker · 17/11/2009 09:43

he is a dickhead

and a selfish one at that

is he always so controlling and shown tendencies that he would quite like to put you in your place as just another domestic appliance ?

on a par with the washing machine or summat ?

that keeps the house tidy and gives the odd blowjob...

BettyTurnip · 17/11/2009 09:46

I definitely think your DH is BVU. I'd just say though - IMHO, don't feel you have to be constantly interacting with your ds, he'll be quite happy having spells just watching you getting on with stuff when he's little.

Oh, and at 2m I'd still be trying to have a nap when your baby is - night feeds are knackering.

Grendle · 17/11/2009 09:49

One of the side effects of having children that never really dawned on me in advance is that the amount of housework seems to increase exponentially. It is a bit of a shock at first. Some of it is due to being at home more, but not all. It takes a while to adjust to the fact that from now on, you will have less time for yourselves and individually at least while the children are young and probably in different ways later too. I suspect your dh is still coming to terms with this and doesn't yet realise that life won't be going back to exactly how it was before. Life has changed permanently, and there is more work in total now. That doesn't mean it always will be as it is now of course. Nor does it excuse in any way his lack of support for you and trying to foist all the grind onto you.

You work fulltime. You have a baby. If you actually went out to work you would have to pay someone else to do this work, and they would be v unlikely to do all the housework and do a fabulous job of childcare simultaneously and single-handedly.

I think you need to talk to each other about this. Your dh needs to come to understand your reality, and in time you will all settle down into your new roles as part of a family with an extra person in it now, and a v time-consuming one at that .

Leeka · 17/11/2009 09:49

I think your discussion needs to include the point that he works during the day, as do you (both housework when possible and childcare - childcare being the priority) but when he gets back from work it is unfair if your work continues whilst his gets to stop, particularly if you are up through the night for feeds.

I don't mean that you should leave all the housework until the evening so that you share it, but it seems fair that evening tasks (cooking, washing up, putting a last wash on, etc) are shared.

But you also need to be nice to yourself at this stage and do only as much as you feel comfortable with, until you get to grips with having a small child, so if you don't dust or hoover - who cares! If he minds, he can do it at the weekend (whilst caring for yor baby and letting you have a lie in!) or in the evening.

Don't let him underestimate how hard this adjustment is, both mentally and physically.

WoTmania · 17/11/2009 09:49

YANBU
on your behalf. Looking after a baby tends to be a fulltime job in itself. I take the view that any housework that gets done is a bonus.
He gets to leave work come home and do nothing while you run around after him? How's that fair.

Original poster
AreAnyNamesAvailable · 17/11/2009 10:08

LOL Grendle, our washing machine has never seen so much action and I am FF so bottles to steralise etc. I think I seem to have loads of free time partly because I have tried to make sure that someone visits most days so that I am not alone from half 7 til 6. He sees this as sitting around having a cuppa. In reality it is often having a shower or some lunch while someone else is around, but yes, I do sit down and have a cuppa when someone is over and I could be doing housework. We have no family nearby and I would go loopy if I were on my own all day. DS is lovely, not much of a conversationalist yet. ps he is sitting here on my lap and says thanks for the support.

OP posts:
WoTmania · 17/11/2009 10:12

If you're FF can you leave him with the baby for a day (maybe go out with a friend on the weekend) and go out?
Then come home and demand to know why dinner isn't on the table? Has sterilised all the bottles? Why hasnt he got through that BIG pile of ironing. And the 2 loads of wahing? Why aren't they washed dried and put away?

Oh? He was looking after the baby? But that isn't real work. What has he done' with all his free time during the day?

memoo · 17/11/2009 10:21

YANBU! your DH is though.

I also have a 2 month old baby and spend most of my time sat on the couch feeding her.

When she does sleep its the only chance I get to do the most basic stuff like go to the toilet and actually eat something!

When I get chance I do the bare minimum of housework, maybe bung a load of washing on of wipe round the kitchen bathroom.

99% of the chores though are done in the evening or weekends when DH is here and we both do them in equal amounts.

DH also does the late 11pm feed so I can get some sleep before I get up to do the 3am one.

loobylu3 · 17/11/2009 10:21

He is being v unreasonable. If you are still up every night you will be tired during the day and should be trying to have a nap if possible, not running around doing the housework. Perhaps he could take over the night feeds for a couple of weeks and see how he feels! You shouldn't have to 'pluck up the courage' to speak to him. Just tell him he is being unfair and that he needs to support you. Once the baby is older and sleeping through, you will probably feel able to take on more but you need his help now

sweetnitanitro · 17/11/2009 10:22

I agree with the others, leave him with the baby for a while and he'll soon come around. Does he think you sit around all day watching Murder She Wrote or something? I don't think my DH realised how hard I work during the day until he tried it for himself.

You are dead right to organise visitors, it's easy to go a bit nuts when you just have a baby for company all day.

memoo · 17/11/2009 10:22

sorry for all the typo's, sleep deprivation!!

Lancelottie · 17/11/2009 10:36

He used to do his share of the housework?
And now you have a child, he thinks he should do LESS than before?

HAhahahahahahahaha!

He has a bit of a reality check coming, I'd say!