To not want to go away for Xmas to inlaws (1 hr away) with our 4 dc's

[accessorizequeen]

DP and I have just had a massive fight about it. Sigh.
His mum & partner live an hour away, my mum lives round the corner. We have 4 dc's, they'll be just 6, just 3 and our 1yo twins. Because of various reasons (usually because I've just had a baby!) we have only spent 1 christmas at his mum's house in 10 years & never with any of the kids. Last year, they came down and we all had it at my mum's, year before at ours, year before that at my mum's with inlaws as well. It's just worked out that way, and the one time we could have gone up there for xmas, dp decided he wanted to have it our place. Now his mum has asked today if we can go up, my immediate reaction was please god no and massive row ensued.

I have no problem with his mum, she's lovely, they probably could squeeze us all in at a pinch and I'd be fine not seeing my mum & sisters on xmas day.

It's just the extra work, plain and simple. I'm finding it really hard to cope with 4 such young children, it's been a bloody tough year. I was just feeling as though I was getting on top of all the xmas preparations. Our older dc's both have their birthdays in december and so do various other family members plus usual round of school things to do/attend. I've been planning since september. I wanted to enjoy xmas this year, I hated it last year with a vengeance because it was just extra work on top of having newborn twins. And although life is a lot better now, I'm still struggling to keep on top of the basic running of the house etc, give all the kids enough time and deal with their health issues (ds1 soils every day at nearly 6 and ds2 has speech delay and now his eyesight needs looking at). I just don't want to do anything else that requires extra work from me. I just feel like sobbing about packing up all that stuff, ensuring we have all the presents and then managing them all up there in my inlaws' pristine child-free house.

DP is very upset because he wants to spend xmas with his mum (although he has done every year for as long as I can remember) at her house and she will be upset if I say no. He doesn't seem to remotely appreciate why I want to say no, just says I'm being difficult really and he'll do half the packing.

So, what should I do? I said I would ring his mum. The right & fair thing is that they get the chance to have the kids for xmas (although they've always been here xmas eve/morning with the kids at our house). But I just feel like I'm going to fall to bits if I have to do any extra work.

hmmm i can totally 100% see why you don't want to go

can also see why he does.

an hour isn't THAT far though. could you go to theirs mid-morning christmas day and just stay til boxing day? or even go home that evening?
does it have to be a full-on holiday over christmas?

do you think it will be easier next year? could you commit to that?
cos i wonder if actually every year it's still gonna be hectic and you;ll just put it off and put it off?

maybe if your dh can come up with some very, very good ways of spreading the load so that you don't have lots of extra work that could help??

Poor you, I feel for you. I have 4 DCs and one of the good things is that, come Christmas Day there are enough of us to have a great "family Christmas" without feeling the need to invite anyone else. TBH, by the time I'd had DS4, we weren't being invited to anyone else's either (DS2 has ASD & SLD). If your MIL is nice, how about phoning her, whilst DH is at work, and explaining how it is just as you have done to us on here. Most nice people must realise that 1 year old twins are hard enough work, never mind all the other stuff you're dealing with (interestingly, my DS1 still wets the bed, do you think they might be subconsciously vying for a bit of our attention?)

Tbh I don't see why taking your 4 children 1 hour away for a day is less effort than hosting at yours? And even going to your mums round the corner is going to involve an element of organisation with 4 children and presents isn't it? That isn't so much less than just putting things in a car and driving for 1 hour?

I can see though why you are stressed about it and that you have had a tough year. And also that sometimes things stress you out that might not seem rational to others (they do to me anyway).

However given that you have only been to hers once in 10 years I think YABU to not go. Even if you factor in the year you were going to go but your dp decided against it that is only twice in 10 years.

Now I think if you dp didn't want to go then I would say that is his business and wouldn't be saying YABU as I think as a family you should decide what is best for you and do that. But tbh I think your Dp is not unreasonable to want to spend Christmas with his mum in her home this year given that every other year bar once it has been in your home or your mums.

Sorry but I think you will just have to concede on this one and just explain to your dp why you feel so stressed in order that he can help take some of the pressure off, prehaps by taking responsiblity for some of the other things you need to organise inDec

By the way I appreciate that a 1 hour journey with 4 children is probably not a picnic but 1 hour is no time at all. Although I am biased as I have a 6 hour drive to be with my parents or in laws

agree with alicet

It will be less work with her doing the dinner than it will be for you, really it will.
Sit back, get mildly pissed and enjoy watchnig and playing with yuor children while someone else sweats in the kitchen.

I can't really think what you need to lug with you though?

Suppply of babygros and pull ups?

All you need really.

Don't be churlish.
Go.Make thenm happy and ease your workload.

Would be interested to know how many DCs alicet & ggirl have, & what ages they are.

Totally agree with you. It's alot to take on, and ime, DH doing half the work is no where near half the work as the best intentions are very underestimated.

Why not tell DH that you are happy to spend christmas there, but you want to come home again in the early evening (it's only an hour away!). That way the kids can get their PJs on and have their milk etc then hopefully you can just transfer them all into their own beds - where you will get a normal night (whatever normal looks like for you!). But you also need to be prepared to be the designated driver for this to work.

And then look at it as a chance for you not to have to cook, or clean. You can have Christmas morning, even drop round to your parents. Then take a few toys and clear out. Then back home to a fairly tidy house a couple glasses with your DH in your own home.

Or..leave them there for a bit, nip back home and sort out the house.

Cut baCK ON pressies or give vouchers for magazines/meals/cinema/theatre.

Just go for the day, let them do the cooking and relax.

cheapkatesmum I am happy to tell you that I have 2 boys - one has just turned 2 and the oldest one is 4 in feb. I also will happily acknowledge that this is a lot less work than 4.

however my point wasn't actually anything to do with this (and I did say to the OP that I understood why she is stressed).

I just think that given that the op's dp wants to spend Christmas with his mum in her home, having spent 9 of the last 10 at home or with the ops mum, it is unreasonable to not concede on this one.

It is precisely the reason we are going to my in laws this Christmas (a 6 hour drive away) because we have never spent Christmas day at their house in the 7 years dh and I have been together. It is the last thing i want to do but sometimes you have to suck up your own wishes to make your dh happy don't you?

you know - that thing called compromise where you don't always get to have things your own way?

Sorry op my last post was unneccessarily stroppy - more at cheapkatesmum who I thought was missing my point rather than you.

Hope you get things sorted and manage to enjoy christmas whereever you spend it

Accessorize, I can completely empathise with you. As a mum of twins plus one older DS, going anywhere that involves any kind of organisation or preparation (particularly on such a Big Day) is exhausting, even if it is "only" an hour away.

At least in your own house, you won't need eyes in the back of your head throughout as your own children charge around familiar surroundings. At your MILs, however lovely she is, it will not be a relaxing day for you. You'll have to pack and provide whatever you need for 4 young children, plus their presents, plus presents for MIL + partner. At home it's just 'there'.

Can you suggest that they come to you for the day instead, and everyone mucks in with cooking/childcare? Is that a viable alternative? I'm sure if you give MIL a ring to explain and apologise for disappointing her, she will understand.

Bluntly, I think your DP may have to spend Xmas with his mum at his house this year, and suck it up. After a month of birthdays and end-of-term Christmas carnage at school, I'll be betting that he'll be grateful not to have to pack for that trip either.

I'd like to say that I clearly remember the first year with my twins, but TBH most of it is a blur. Now that they've started school I'm still struggling to keep on top of everything! Make life easier wherever you can. I hope you get the relaxing Christmas that you all need.

I think I do, alicet, having spent the last ooh 6 Christmases, I think, with FIL rather than with my own Dad (both Mums dead).

Well I have three children and I do know what you mean about all the stuff you have to pack. Dh and I have done it for all but one year of our married lives. This year is number two and we are staying put.

So I do empathise - BUT your dh really wants to go, they want you to go, it's only an hour away. Just go for the day - it will be easier and you'll keep everyone happy(ish) without going nuts yourself.

I had newborn twins and a special needs 2 yr old so I know a little of where you're at.
I would be honest with mil directly and say you're really tired and the thought of the kids having a disturbed night away over xmas is too much.Transporting 4 heaps of presents to their house would also be compolicated.
However, you'd love to come over about 12,, have dinner and so on and then bath them and put them in pjs so you only have to put them into bed when you get home.
Remind them that they probably won't appreciate being woken up in the night.
My inlaws have cream carpets and many ornaments.
We put a sheet under the dining table and always go out for a walk whatever the weather.

See imagine this OP:

'Am I unreasonable to want to spend Christmas Day at my mums? Dw and i have just had a fight because despite the fact that we have only been to my mums once in the last 10 years she thinks I am being unreasonable to want to go this year.

We have spent the last 10 years having christmas at home or at her mums and my mum is beginning to feel a little offended that we haven't taken her up on any of her invitations to celebrate Christmas with her. I understand that my wife is really tired and stressed as we have 4 small children, its been a busy year, and Dec is already looking particularly manic. But every year it seems to be one excuse after another and I am afraid we will never be able to go and see my mum.

I love my wife and will happily support her in anyway I can to help in Dec and make this easier for her, but find it frustrating that she can't understand that my mum is upset that we are always refusing her invitations to celebrate Christmas at hers.

Is it so much to ask my wife to concede for just this year?'

The op says that they have never been to her dps mums for Christmas since they had their children and given that her oldest is 6 this is a long time.

If dp wasn't bothered i would say fair cop op - if you don't want to go then don't go - but her dp does want to and given that they have been to the ops mums many more years than this I think it is only fair for him to have his say this year

Yes but there is a compromise in all of this-they can just go for the day. You don't have to do exactly what's suggested first. I'm sure mil and dh will realsie that that's fine (I would say that offering to drive usually swings it for my dh).

defineme I certainly agree that going for the day is a reasonable compromise. I read from the op that that was what was happening though? doesn't say anywhere that they are going overnight?

And that is why I couldn't see such a big difference between travelling for 1 hour (and packing up all the presents / kiddy stuff) and going round the corner which although would be quicker to get there would involve the same amount of organisation

thanks, all. Still thinking about it all, couldn't sleep last night and dp & I not talking.
just to be clear that dp has spent the last 9 xmases with his mum, just only once at her house. I've never deprived him of being with his mum. In 10 years, we've spent it once apart, once at his mum's, twice at our house & I guess it must be 5 times at my mum's, 3 times because I had just had a baby. I can see his point. I really can and his mum's.

But those of you who have twins and/or 4 young children know how much bloody preparation, packing, organisation and forward thinking it is just to drive for an hour. The expectation is that we stay over 2 nights, I believe. The older dc's usually stay with them for a couple of days after xmas, don't know if that would still be the case. A compromise might help but I'm still going to have to prepare and pack the same amount of stuff. DP would not be happy with not staying over night and neither would his mum, she would want the whole xmas morning thing at hers & that's fair enough.

Alicet, I think you are making some good points but being unreasonably aggressive about it and not showing much empathy either.

DP, btw, only said he'd do half the packing when I forced him to offer to help. In reality he won't. He never does any prep for trips away. Helpful in many other respects but not that one!

If I went to my mum's it's the easiest option for me. We can't host everyone at ours this year, it's too small. If I rang MIL and said all this of course she would understand, as I said she is lovely. But I would be disappointing her (I'm not actually bothered about dp right now as he was an arse last night!). Shall chat to my mum this afternoon about it and see what she thinks.

OP - It sounds like you have had a tough year and whilst you have just about adjusted to having 4 young DC, its been a tough year getting there and you are understandably exhausted and in need of a rest.

Its unfortunate that its been so long since you have been to your IL's as they understandably feel (as does your dp) that its definitely their turn to have their wish this year and I'm inclined to agree I'm afraid.

I think if you can talk to your DP and IL's and explain how exhausted you are and promise that next year it will their turn then hopefully they will understand and agree to that as long as you commit to going next year. Otherwise I'm afraid I think you will need to accept that it really is the inlaws turn this year.

I've always felt that its important to treat both sets of parents equally regardless of distance esp. once DC's come along - they are both grandparents after all

Good luck, hope it works out

I don't think YABU at all. I think people are overlooking the fact that normal rules of fairness and 'turns' ought not to apply in cases like this where the OP is clearly worked off her feet and exhausted. As she says (and only she knows what it is like for her), having someone else do the cooking isn't the issue.

It seems she's in a space where her DP won't be doing a great deal to help get the show on the road (and even half the packing won't help, as I'm guessing that'd involve him drifting about getting his own stuff ready and asking "where's this/that/what do you want me to do with such-and-such" and then expecting a medal for having 'helped'). What seems worse is that everyone seems to be considering everyone else's feelings on this one EXCEPT FOR THE OP's. So, MIL wants them to stay for 2 nights. DP wants them to go there. Going for the day won't be on... What about her wishes?

She might feel a little better if her DP were to say, "you're right, this is going to fall heavily on you. How can we organise it so it works best for you?"

Clam - I don't agree everyone is takinng into account everyone's feeling EXCEPT OP's. What they are doing is not ONLY taking OP's feelings into account. Christmas can be important to everyone (although I accept some people aren't that bothered) and therefore I think its only fair and respectful that everyone who is bothered about it has the opportunity at some point to have christmas the way like to. OP's IL's haven't had the opportunity to have xmas the way they'd like to for 10 years!

Unfortunately life if about making compromises and consideration for others. I don't always get to spend Christmas as I would love to but as long as I get to do it some of the time then that's fine and only fair in my opinion.

I fully accept that this year may not be the right year for the OP to have to make sacrifices as she is obviously very much in need of a break but I do think that she should at least show the IL's & DP that she is aware that their feelngs matter and therefore promise that next year will be the year they get to do it as they want