To not want to go away for Xmas to inlaws (1 hr away) with our 4 dc's

[accessorizequeen]

DP and I have just had a massive fight about it. Sigh.
His mum & partner live an hour away, my mum lives round the corner. We have 4 dc's, they'll be just 6, just 3 and our 1yo twins. Because of various reasons (usually because I've just had a baby!) we have only spent 1 christmas at his mum's house in 10 years & never with any of the kids. Last year, they came down and we all had it at my mum's, year before at ours, year before that at my mum's with inlaws as well. It's just worked out that way, and the one time we could have gone up there for xmas, dp decided he wanted to have it our place. Now his mum has asked today if we can go up, my immediate reaction was please god no and massive row ensued.

I have no problem with his mum, she's lovely, they probably could squeeze us all in at a pinch and I'd be fine not seeing my mum & sisters on xmas day.

It's just the extra work, plain and simple. I'm finding it really hard to cope with 4 such young children, it's been a bloody tough year. I was just feeling as though I was getting on top of all the xmas preparations. Our older dc's both have their birthdays in december and so do various other family members plus usual round of school things to do/attend. I've been planning since september. I wanted to enjoy xmas this year, I hated it last year with a vengeance because it was just extra work on top of having newborn twins. And although life is a lot better now, I'm still struggling to keep on top of the basic running of the house etc, give all the kids enough time and deal with their health issues (ds1 soils every day at nearly 6 and ds2 has speech delay and now his eyesight needs looking at). I just don't want to do anything else that requires extra work from me. I just feel like sobbing about packing up all that stuff, ensuring we have all the presents and then managing them all up there in my inlaws' pristine child-free house.

DP is very upset because he wants to spend xmas with his mum (although he has done every year for as long as I can remember) at her house and she will be upset if I say no. He doesn't seem to remotely appreciate why I want to say no, just says I'm being difficult really and he'll do half the packing.

So, what should I do? I said I would ring his mum. The right & fair thing is that they get the chance to have the kids for xmas (although they've always been here xmas eve/morning with the kids at our house). But I just feel like I'm going to fall to bits if I have to do any extra work.

If you go to the ILS, can they do some advance preparation so that you don't need to cart so much stuff? What about delivering some presents to theirs, and bulk packs of nappies; travel cots, booster seats instead of highchairs, could ILS borrow or buy secondhand if you don't have your own? I think it would really help you and be unreasonable of them not to try and organise things at their home. Could some relatives post or deliver presents to ILS house prior to Christmas? Leave some stuff behind after Christmas to collect another time?

If you can't get there, could ILS take stuff back when they come for one of the DCS' birthdays for example? Failing that, make DP drive the stuff there as he seems give little effective help.

Perhaps it will be possible to have a rest each day while all the others look after/play with the children. I think the ILS are going to have a big surprise when they realise the reality of a few days and nights with 4 children around, especially the impact on their pristine house. Next year they may be begging to come to yours!

God I kmow how you are feeling. You sound just like me 5 years ago. At that time my kids were 6.5 3(just) and 11mth twins.

I didn`t want to go to ILs for Xmas but felt it only fair that they got a go at hosting and i actually ended up enjoying myself.

With 4kids there were plenty of adults to entertain instead of the ususl running myself ragged tryinto find abtteries for toys, do feeds, change babies, cook dinner the whole nine yards.

Forget about booster seats or high chairs, car seats double up just aswell when strapped onto a dining chair. One travel cot should do for the twins for a couple of nights. Is it really so bad if they get slightly out of routine for a couple of days. You and hubby might even have a chance to get some time to yourself for a change.
Work out how much you are likely to spend on food etc if you have Xmas at your place and then weigh it up against the hire of a roof top box. Pressies and the like can be stored in there. The twins really dont know at this age what Xmas is all about so wont be put out if theyonly get a couple of pressies that day. MILs will have a washing machine so you wont need to pack too much. If you run out of nappies etc I`m sure that there are nearby shops to get some more.
I agree that after having four kids around they may not want to do it again.
Chances are that your MIL is trying to help and take some of the presure of Xmas mayhem off of you.
You need to relax and think of all the positives. Yes you might end up doing all of the packing but most of it can be done in advance ready to just sling a few bags in the car and go. Thats you pretty much done for the day, You wont be the one fretting about seating arrangements and getting dinner ready on time and being a blue arsed fly tryin to keep everyone happy. That is the job of the Hostess not the guests.
Above all else enjoy it, Xmas is only once a year after all and you DC are only small once. In a few years they wont believe in FC and Xmas will be all about who got what and how much it cost. Make the most of it while you can.

I think OP that expecting you to go for 2 nights is too much to ask. I'd ask for a compromise and go for the day. Your MIL and DP are being unreasonable.

Also, with your presents and IL presents at the same time, that is present overload for little kids.

Try the "but 6 and 3yo's really want Santa to visit them at their house" line too.

Personally, spending the day with family is lovely, but don't get why everyone has to sleep there, it just causes upsets (which is what happened at our house last year - lessons have been learnt).

My parents said recently that their one "we would have done that differently" thing about our childhoods was the amount of effort they put in pleasing the gps at Christmas. They had 3 of us close together and we always had utterly rubbish cars which regularly broke down/had no heating etc. All 3 of us had terrible car sickness yet every year we would pack up presents and provisions and drive either 5 hours in one direction or 2 hours in the other. My mother now wishes she had just put her foot down on the basis it is so much easier for able bodied early 60 somethings to make the journey than a young family.

I can see your point of view and your husbands. I can totally understand what you mean by all the preparation and packing. However, I can understand that your DH is feeling upset too. Can you try to make him understand exactly what you are stressed about. If your husband is anything like mine, these things are not obvious and need to be clearly spelt out! Perhaps if you ask him specifically to organise certain things (perhaps with the aid of a list) he might be a lot more supportive and helpful than you imagine.

I have 4 DC aged under 7 and frankly, I find it easier having someone else cook!

This year, our first with 4 DC, we're not going away until late morning Xmas Day though. Lugging the presents is too much work. So Santa will deliver here, and we'll have lots of fun on our own opening gifts. Then we'll leave for parents (two hours drive away) and arrive just in time to not have to help with cooking lunch! We have booked a hotel for that night, as my parents only have one spare bedroom, and its too much to squeeze all of us in. Boxing day we'll go back to their house, and travel home that evening.

We do this every other year (taking it in turns which of our families we visit) and in between years we have family here.

If you only want to stay at home for Xmas its fair enough; but going to your parents and never his would cause a division.

I think having to take over 4 lots of kids presents and 4 adults gifts sounds like madness -your dh will have to do an advance run a couple of nights before with presents, travel cots, booster seats, nappies and a bag of clothes. Then it will be a breeze to go over on xmas eve with a change bag.That is his penance for not recognising your exhaustion.

S will spending the first morning of his hols taking the kids to the park while you npack-my dh does this with our dh because 2 person packing doesn't work ime.

If you present it as I will be perfectly happy to go as long as you do this one thing...

I tend to pack a week in advance before every trip because I feel stressed if I don't.

YANBU at all. It sounds like a hell of a lot of extra work and stress for you to please everyone else PLUS it means you will be enjoying your xmas less too trying to watch 4 kids like a hawk in a non child friendly house!

On the other hand if you will really upset your DH and your IL's by saying no, then how about a compromise?

Decide what will be the hardest and most stressful bits for you about going away. For me it would be packing everything and watching the kids like a hawk 24/7 (especially as they are likely to sleep less well away from home)
Then think about ways around it.

Tell DH that you can just about manage the trip IF he compromises on these 2 areas...
So for the packing he will need to give you a day before you go where he takes all 4 kids out ALL day. You can use the time to pack everything, do any last minute washing etc, wrap presents, have a quick tidy round so you can come back to a clean house.
Plus for when you are there - he is on night duty for one of the nights and you the other (take ear plugs!) so you both get one full nights sleep, and he does his fair share of keeping his eye on the kids at his Mums house, including preparing their food, bottles, changing nappies etc.

If your MIL is lovely like you say, then perhaps you could mention to her when you call her that you were a bit worried about how much work it would be to keep your eye on all the children when not in your own home as they are so into everything, but you've made DH agree to do his share of watching them too.... that will hopefully get her on side to make sure DH DOES do his fair share, plus it might make her sympathetic to how stressful it is for you and help out a bit herself too!

Good luck!

I can see your dh's point of view and personally would agree to do Christmas presents at your house and then go up in time for lunch and stay over etc.

I have 5 children and really understand what a logistical nightmare the packing and travelling is, but it is only an hour's drive, and once you are there it will be much easier than being at home. i wouldn't lug the presents away with me though I don't think.

I do think that you do owe your mil a christmas at her house - if you really can't face it this year, perhaps you can explain to your dp this and promise him next year.

To the op - sorry you found me aggressive in my posts on here last night. That wasn't my intention and I truely do understand why you feel stressed out - ffs I feel as bad a lot of the time and I only have 2!

I think the problem is is that its pretty hard to justify why it is reasonable to spend Christmas, yet again, at your mums when you have been there for 5 out of the last 10 years and only once to your mil. If your dp wasn't bothered then again what you as a family want is more important than your mils hurt feelings but given that your dh has expressed a preference I think you would be unreasonable to not go.

I do htink the fact he is crap at helping to organise stuff like this is totally not on though. I think defineme and allaboutme make some good points about evening up the jobs a bit and getting your dh to see things from your point of view. I would say that if he can't agree to at least some of these suggestions to make life easier for you then you will only go for the day which is obviously the other compromise.

Good luck and hope you get it sorted

I have 4 dc, my PILs live around the corner. It's a dream we drive around unload the gifts, food etc. Spend the afternoon/day there walk home.

Pop back on Boxing Day to collect any stuff and then drive home.

If Chirstmas Day involved an hours journey and then staying for 2 night with 3 pre-schoolers no way would I do it.

The only way you keep sane is having your own routine and own house IMO.

I think you need to explain that you are happy to go for the day this year but until they are much older you cannot face taking them for 2 days. I would seriously let him take all 4 after breakfast up to his parents for 2 days whilst you go to your Mums for a rest!!!

thanks all once again, it's been really helpful having different perspectives on it and how to make it easier if we go. Thanks particularly Alicet, I was probably in a mood to take criticism badly last night anyway!

dp came home early and then has refused to talk about it so not getting v.far with him, he does stick his head in the sand sometimes but obviously doesn't want an argument so is off out on his bike in a few mins to avoid me again. In the brief time I collared him he was clear that not staying over wouldn't be what his mum would want, i pointed out how much extra work it was to stay over and also that we would be looking after kids all xmas day whilst MIL & her partner cooked the xmas lunch. He then said no, let's go to your mum's so I don't know where I stand now!

I should say that other than prep for days out and travel in general, dp is a very hands-on dad and of course he would be looking after the kids up there with me. It's just the organisation beforehand he usually has no part of (plus present buying, which he has opted out of yet again this year as he has all of work's to do . I do think 4kidsandlovingit's (I hope I get there too btw!) attitude is prob. spot on. I need to solve the problems and look at some positives to get past this. Plus drag dp into doing some stuff. But you know what men are like, they'll do something only if you've made a full detailed list beforehand and all the decisions, laid it out etc etc and then still ask questions.

PIL know what the kids are like, they just spent the weekend here so realise the chaos they're inviting up! They're quite hands-on. MIL in particular dotes on all of them, and I know it would make her year. Spoke to my mum and she is disappointed obviously but thinks the right thing is to go to MIL.

I probably haven't made it clear how easy it would be to stay at home and go to my mum's. The IL's would presumably come too as they have before, and my sisters would be there too so 8 adults for 4 children. My mum has huge kitchen and relatively easy to fence off bits with a temp stairgate. Plus it's walking distance, I walked there and back last year with the twins, it was fab. Sigh.

We're hoping to move house next year to somewhere bigger and I think I'm going to put my foot down after that and say we're staying at home you're welcome to join us!

Cargirl, I did actually suggest that last night (in mid-argument). Thought it would be lovely to spend xmas day with no dc's and my mum and sisters. Bliss!

you could tell both sets of parents you'll see them another day - just not Christmas Day. That way you can have a nice relaxing day without travelling or hosting a dinner for relatives.

It is just another day after all...

I think your mental health is mor e improtant than gps fighting over Christmas visits. Husbands don't seem to get this and are keen not to rock the boat.

You've got 4 kids, it's been darn hard work, you should stay at home and have people drop in to visit you at your house.

However, your dh is a problem. Kill him.

I think your lucky
you can just drive over to theirs
tell them your not staying in advance
we have to drive 6 hours to my inlaws and stay 2 nights on xmas day
you don't need to stay over at all

lovechoc, think you're in the minority thinking xmas day only another day! I personally these days see it as a chore rather than something to get excited about, but everyone else in my family & dp's family loves it!
dp is really not a villain, he's just a bloke who doesn't get that women find organising home life etc pretty exhausting. He organises a huge amount of stuff at work, runs several companies and copes with lots of stress. I, however, don't and he finds that hard to understand even after all these years. After all, he does just want to go to his mum's for xmas!
Yes, my mental health is a bit shaky right now, but I think this particular issue may be a bit critical for my relationship too.

you seem like a lovely, reasonably person.
Good luck with whatever happens.

Hope you manage to get it all sorted out. Maybe the key now is to let everything calm down for a couple of days and then try and have a reasonable chat about it once kids are in bed and you're not feeling so stressed. You and dh will then probably both be able to articulate better how you feel and come to a reasonable compromise you can both live with.

Good luck x

OP you will get there Im sure. 4 kids are incredably hard work and not sure it gets easier but priorites change. Now Im onto the football and ballet lessons, car trips, money etc etc. They do grow up so quick and if your MIL knows what a handful they can be then she is probably well prepared.
Next year there will be two two year olds running around (in some aspects lots more work than one year olds) and like you said you hope to be in a bigger house then.
At least if you stay over and you do take turns with the ear plugs you can have a good Xmas drink and sleep knowing that you wont get woken up in the night.
Another option is to go down the Xmas at your parents house and then Boxing day at his. That way the kids still get to show off some pressies and you dont have to take so much with you. Also cold foods and buffets tend to be more child friendy so a lot less worry for you. If it really means that much to hubby to to his parents then he would should pull his weigh and help out readily!

4kids, please don't tell me it gets harder than this, can't cope with that! I keep telling myself once ds3 is walking things will be easier & then we'll get to summer etc. I"m going back to work in Jan for 2 days a week, that could be a saviour (or not).
DP rang his mum and said we weren't coming, didn't really listen to anything i had to say (like I would do it but for one night etc). She was pretty disappointed, apparently they don't feel comfortable at my mum's house because she doesn't like the dog (golden retriever, can't say I like him much, we're not dog lovers!), and also that it's not very christmassy staying in their van outside our house on xmas eve/morning. Which I hadn't thought of because I'm not bothered much about xmas I guess. But MIL is very sentimental about all that stuff, and I have felt v.v.guilty and awful last day or so. But in the end it was dp's decision and now he's found out that his aunt might be up at his mum's there's no way he'll go (hates her) so he's being equally selfish. MIL & partner now deciding what to do I think. The only other option I could think of was that they come to xmas here without my family around, but that just seems to create work for me & dp without meeting MIL's needs. I feel really bad, she is so giving with the kids, takes the older boys for a weekend several times a year, they come down as often as they can and we can't even put them up as we have no space since the dt's were born.