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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to uproot my family for my job?

35 replies

ineedalifelaundry · 14/11/2009 17:47

Bit of background, sorry it's long...

I have been in my job for five years, and I have been passed up for promotion once, and have felt generally unhappy for a while. My DH has been nagging me for ages to change jobs but I haven't done anything about it because I fell pregnant 2 years ago and had a year off on maternity leave.

I returned from mat leave just a couple of months ago and negotiated hard with my boss to get part time hours, because I didn't want my DD to go into full time childcare just yet. So I am currently working 2 days per week. However, my DH has been (unexpectedly) very short of work since around the time I returned to work, so we are currently trying to survive on my part time salary. Our savings have all but disappeared and we are teetering on the brink of serious debt.

Following emergency discussions recently on how we could deal with this situation, we have decided that I need to look for a full time job in a new workplace so that my DH can be a SAHD for a while.

So, I saw my dream job advertised - the only catch being that it's in a different part of the country and we would have to move. It's a part of the country we both love actually (we regularly go there on holidays) and and area we have always said we would like to retire to eventually. Even better, right?

Wrong. My DH is reluctant to move away because he could lose all his work contacts (although he hardly gets enough work to make it worth the money, it's work that he really enjoys and wouldn't have the same opportunities for in the new area), plus all our friends are here, we have spent a lot of money improving our house, we have just taken on an allotment close by ... in other words, we are really quite settled where we are. Its also very central in the country and easy to access most of the major UK cities etc, whereas the new place is in the back of beyond and near nowhere.

To my amazement, I have been shortlisted and asked to interview, but I'm considering withdrawing rather than go to the trouble and expense of attending (cost of travel etc) when DH is so unhappy with the idea. Yet this seems to me to be a opportunity of a lifetime, and as I've been nominated breadwinner, shouldn't I be able to pursue my career dreams?

OP posts:
rimmer08 · 14/11/2009 17:50

i say go for it. afer all it wouldnt be so odd if you moved for his job so why shouldnt you get the same treatment?
good luck with the interview

Blackduck · 14/11/2009 17:54

Go for it....an interview is not the job - but if you don't go for it it will always be a might have been. Do it, see what happens, and see how you feel.....If you are the breadwinner, then you should pursue your career (as long as where you are talking about isn't Outer Mongolia!!)

jemart · 14/11/2009 18:01

I would face similar reluctance from my DH if I asked this of him. If I were in your position I would stay put for the sake of family harmony, but you need to consider your priorities, how important is your career to you? what longterm effects would the move have on your DC? are you only wanting to do this job because of current circumstances or is it a long held ambition?

abbierhodes · 14/11/2009 18:06

I agree that you should go for the interview and then talk about it again, but I object to this line:

'as I've been nominated breadwinner, shouldn't I be able to pursue my career dreams?'

The role of SAHP is just as vital as the role of the breadwinner.

If a woman had posted saying

'My family is happy and settled but my DH wants us to move for his job, despite the fact that this would wipe out any chance of me having a career in the future. I'd miss my friends and family, but he's saying as he's the breadwinner he gets priority.'

we'd all be calling the DH all the names under the sun and telling her to stand her ground.

doubleexpresso · 14/11/2009 18:17

I think you should highlight all the positives to your DH. We had a major move years ago for DH's job and it was the best thing we ever did. You should go for the interview and prepare the family. But, you will have to take his views into account. I do wonder how much of his negative attitude is (possibly) to do with wounded male pride. Encourage him to do some research on possible career opportunities for him in the new area. Good luck.

Original poster
ineedalifelaundry · 14/11/2009 18:26

I totally get what you're saying abbierhodes and I even gave myself a when I wrote that bit. Thing is, DH is a total drifter when it comes to his career, he is constantly changing his mind about what he wants to do. And there are many things he can do in the new area with his career - just not this specific thing which will probably never earn him a liveable wage anyway and which is likely to fade away slowly over time anyway.

But he already does this thing and really enjoys it.

OP posts:
LoveMyGirls · 14/11/2009 18:35

You're going to need to compromise.

What I think I would look at doing is going to the interview, if I get offered the job I would think about us all going there for a minimum of 1 year during that time you can come back once a month to see friends and IF your dh did get job opportuinitys back home would he be able to stay with friends for a few days while he did the odd bit of work? If work is few and far between for him then maybe the times he gets offered work you could either have someone come to stay with you while he's gone to look after dc or you can get temp childcare?

Have you got a house to sell?

Uriel · 14/11/2009 18:43

I think you ought to go for the interview otherwise 'what if' might haunt you for ever...
or even 6 months down the line when you could actually be in serious debt.

Original poster
ineedalifelaundry · 14/11/2009 18:47

Yes we have a house but were considering renting out instead of selling.

OP posts:
Earthstar · 14/11/2009 18:50

Is your dh a photographer?

Original poster
ineedalifelaundry · 14/11/2009 18:57

No earthstar although that is a career he ponders over from time to time! Why do you ask?

OP posts:
Earthstar · 14/11/2009 19:39

Just because he sounds like the type of guy who would like that profession, and the work is irregular!

Lapsedrunner · 14/11/2009 19:42

You need to go for the interview because if you don't you'll always have a lingering doubt about what it might be like. They should cover your travel expenses surely?

Original poster
ineedalifelaundry · 14/11/2009 20:03

No they won't cover my travel expenses. And I really need to buy a new suit!

OP posts:
Lapsedrunner · 14/11/2009 20:18

You have to go on gut feeling and I think your gut feeling is go for the interview?

hollyhobbie · 14/11/2009 20:46

I think you should go to the interview, but if possible you should take DH and DD with you. I think if it's a real possibility of you moving there then you all need to go and look at the place with LIVING THERE-eyes and not holiday-eyes. It may be a brilliant place for holidaying, but I suggest you try and stay there for a day or 2 (after the interview?) and then see where exactly you could live: ask your potential colleagues exactly which village/part of town they live in, what are the schools/shops/transport links like? How long is their commute? How much are the houses to buy or rent? Maybe even set up some viewing with an estate agent so you can have a real feel for it.

We have traveled to 3 European countries (including the UK!) with my and DH's jobs and have always tried to do this sort of research.

You never know, you might both come back from there excited and ready to move, or maybe you'll realise that it just isn't going to work.

I think these decisions have to be about the WHOLE family though. That's what we've always tried to do, even if we all end up compromising a little bit. Better that you reach a decision all together than that you 'drag' your DH there and he ends up resenting you.

Good luck in your interview!

Original poster
ineedalifelaundry · 14/11/2009 20:50

Thanks everyone. You've convinced me I need to go for the interview at least. So that's what I'm doing. I was hoping DH would drive me there (and being in the area would make him see how wonderful it would be to live there) but unfortunately it's happening on a rare day that he's actually got some work on. So I'm driving for 2 and half hours all by myself, will be a bag of nerves, all day interview and a 2 and half hour drive back. This coming tuesday. Got a presentation to prepare and a suit to buy!

OP posts:
hollyhobbie · 14/11/2009 23:00

Good luck on Tuesday and when you make it to 2nd stage interviews you can go 'en famille'

Rollmops · 15/11/2009 08:01

From a lifelong expat used to move continents for a shinier job and greener pastures, ask yourself few questions.
Would the dream job make your family financially secure, (i.e. pays enough and then more, to support your whole family long term).
What are the prospects for promotion, would you see yourself in that company 10 years from now.
Dream job is lovely but if it means uprooting your whole life, it'll better pay really really well.

Fivesetsofschoolfees · 15/11/2009 08:09

It's not unreasonable to uproot a family for a new job - loads of us have done it.

You do lose out on what you have built up at home, but you gain a lot more (that's the point of moving).

You basically have to weigh up the plusses and minuses of each option.

I would be inclined to go on the interview (presumably they will pay your travel expenses) and take it from there. If you don't get offered the job or you do and decline it, you can put it down to interview practice.

Can DH and DD travel up to the interview with you. While you are in the interview, DH can perhaps scout out the area.

namechangedmoi · 15/11/2009 08:13

My dh is currently applying and being interviewed for jobs all over the country.....I am going wherever he does and although there are definite favourites for both of us, I would basically follow him to Mars! They should pay the interview expenses (surely?) Your DH might feel differently if you're actually offered the job. Good luckxx

AllarmBells · 15/11/2009 09:51

Agree with hollyhobbie, take the family when you are further down the process.
Can't you go by train, even if you need a cab at the other end? Will give you some time to review your pres and on the way back you can have a chill out and perhaps a wee drinkie

Anifrangapani · 15/11/2009 09:58

What type of work is your dh in - someone here might have contacts.

If he needs construction work / housing contacts he can have access to my address book.

Original poster
ineedalifelaundry · 15/11/2009 11:36

That's really kind of you Ani but DH's work is in the music industry.

AllarmBells I will look I into getting the train, you're right that it would be less stressful. But IME driving is always cheaper, and the letter they have sent states that 'we don't normally pay expenses'

I have to say that DH is being very supportive about this, but I don't want (as another poster mentioned) him to end up resenting me if things don't work out for him in the new place.

I'm also a bit reluctant myself to leave behind the life we've built for ourselves here, not to mention having my lovely dad 3 hours away instead of 40 mins.

[confused emoticon]

OP posts:
theworldsgoneDMmad · 15/11/2009 12:21

You getting a job closer to home isn't necessarily the only alternative. Is your DH considering work in more accessible fields (which is - no offence - pretty much anything other than the arts!)?

If he's not prepared to change his plans to keep you afloat, then he can hardly expect you to change yours.