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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

For not wanting to let my sister and her step kids stay?

50 replies

pippa251 · 13/11/2009 16:16

My sister lives with her partner of 6 years 4 hours away from me. He as 3 DC's from a previous relationship who she has known for the 6 years they have been together. His children live about 30 mins away from me (with their mum)- and I have met them twice.

My sister has only visited me twice since I have lived here (2 years) with the children and before I was pregnant with DD (4 months old) we barley had a relationship.

Anyway we are getting on alright at the moment and she seems totally in love with my DD so I'm really making an effort. Her children are nice but I dont have a relationship with them- as whenever they have visited they go swimming in the pool on the estate (which is free to residents so its a nice treat for them to go with their dad etc).

As my sister and her fella live so far away its becoming hard for him to see the kids due to the travelling (picking up on a friday and having to be back on the sunday traveling 4 hours on the M6 with 3 kids under 10) and they are having car trouble. So my sister has asked if they can all stay with us for the weekend. That would mean having their children- my sister and her DP and me and my DP and a TEETHING BABY.

To add to the problem my DP is a clean freak- he does all of the cleaning so it doesn't really bother me but I think he'd get really stressed about the mess and meyhem of the weekend. We have a 4 bed house but only 1 double spare where anyone can sleep (but it has an antique dressing screen which has been in DP's family for years) as one of our spare rooms is the study/ dumping ground.

I really want to help out but I'm afraid if I help out once it may turn into a regular thing ( I feel awful about this) and as I have a very fragile relationship with my sister I'm afraid of saying no to cause offence.

OP posts:

Hullygully · 13/11/2009 16:17

You can't say no. Organise lots of activities outside the house and be pleased to see them.

Original poster

pippa251 · 13/11/2009 16:25

How do I aporach gound rules - or do I not as I don't know the children

OP posts:

RealityBites · 13/11/2009 16:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Hullygully · 13/11/2009 16:31

Would they stay just one night? I'd wing it for that, lots of swimming etc during the day, DVD in the evening, another activity the next day and then that's the end.

Original poster

pippa251 · 13/11/2009 16:33

It's an heirloom massive furniture thing and can easily get damaged- so the room is not really suitable for children (who I don't know). I'm not a troll (honest ) but as these children don't know me I'd feel really bad telling them off or not to touch things.

I really like my sisters DP and have offered that they are both more than welcome to stay whenever so he can visit his kids for the day at their place etc.

OP posts:

Hullygully · 13/11/2009 16:35

Can't you put the screen in your room for the night? It seems an odd deal-breaker.

thesecondcoming · 13/11/2009 16:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

2littlemonkeys · 13/11/2009 16:37

Why do the kids have to sleep at yours? Can they not take them for a long day out and then drop them back home?

TheProvincialLady · 13/11/2009 16:38

Do you never have guests to stay in case they make a bit of a mess? If so, your DP needs to get a grip. Also, a teething baby is a crap excuse I'm afraid! Ive got one of those as well but it wouldn't stop me from helping my family out or having a few guests for a couple of nights. If your relationship with your sister is important to you then I don't think it would hurt to have them to stay this time, but I can understand why you might not want to make it a regular thing...in which case you could make it clear whilst they were there.

As for the screen - I understand that you need to keep it safe. Could you move it into a different room?

Original poster

pippa251 · 13/11/2009 16:42

It's not a deal breaker- the screen and we would put it in ours for the night. I suppose the hardest thing is my DP is just getting used to the mess one baby makes (he is actually a bit obsessive compulsive about hoovering, marks on walls etc) and I don't want to stress him out too much.

It's fine when my friends kids visit as I know them and their parents well enough to tell them off (not that I would ever need to) if they need it IYSWIM

OP posts:

RealityBites · 13/11/2009 16:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

sb6699 · 13/11/2009 16:43

I can understand that you dont want this to be a regular thing but YABU I'm afraid.

She is your sister and it would be a nice thing for to do not just for her but for her DP and his dc's too.

If you never have guests because of the mess then you are a bit barking tbh.

lulabellarama · 13/11/2009 16:46

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Hullygully · 13/11/2009 16:46

Am more interested in your dh than the op. How does the weeny baby get handprints on the wall? How often does he hoover?

RealityBites · 13/11/2009 16:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

pippa251 · 13/11/2009 16:53

Second coming- I do want a relationsip with my sister- but I haven't lived with her since she was 15 and I was 12 and there's a lot of history. She has only just 'forgiven' me for being annorexic and 'splitting the family up' - where we had no relationship until about 2 years ago. I don't want her to visit- me get stressed out with the baby and end up having a massive argument with her infrount of her step DC's. I think her staying for the weekend with 3 children I hardly know may be a big leap for us.

Provincial - my DP is getting a lot better about the house cleanliness wise (Our DD has helped by throwing up all over him loads proving that the world doesn't end when there's a bit of mess) but is still a bit hard work.

OP posts:

Hullygully · 13/11/2009 16:54

I have a picture of a very shiny house dominated by an enormous screen which the dh (in a pinny) keeps polishing obsessively while the tiny baby scuttles about leaving malevolent handprints.

Hullygully · 13/11/2009 16:55

Sorry Pippa, got carried away there. But I agree, one step at a time, have them to stay and the kids for the day and do it step by step.

stuffitllllama · 13/11/2009 16:55

yanbu but you will anyway

Original poster

pippa251 · 13/11/2009 17:01

Hully- before I moved in I thought he never used his kitchen as it is immaculate but then I found out I'd moved in with Kim and Aggie's love child.....

I think it would be easier somethines if he would have moved in with me to my house as then I wouldn't mind my sisters kids making mess etc

OP posts:

TheProvincialLady · 13/11/2009 17:11

it doesn't do anyone any favours to indulge people when their behaviour is that extreme - as you say, he needs to learn that the world does not end because someone uses a mug or walks on a carpet.

Hullygully · 13/11/2009 17:14

I see that there are lots of different ishoos here. Best to go slowly.

annh · 13/11/2009 17:17

How much mess can one four-month old baby make?! They generate a lot of "stuff" but not really mess. I think your dh is in for a BIG shock when your baby turns into a toddler and starts upending every toy box, bookshelf, plant pot etc in sight and leaving little sticky fingerprints and snotty trails all over windows and sofas. He might as well get some practice in with your sister's children!

CitizenPrecious · 13/11/2009 17:23

Ah, just let 'em

...it might even be fuuuuuuun

Original poster

pippa251 · 13/11/2009 17:28

I think I'm going to suggest that sister and her fella come down the friday and bring the kids on the saturday and stay over- that way on the friday we can have a grown up night (bonding and planning the saturday and sunday) then I'll plan activities (ie swimming and a trip to the forrest) and make a big Sunday lunch.

How do I hint that it wont be a regular thing (ie not fortnightly) without sounding like they're not welcome at all?

OP posts:

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