For not wanting to let my sister and her step kids stay?

[pippa251]

My sister lives with her partner of 6 years 4 hours away from me. He as 3 DC's from a previous relationship who she has known for the 6 years they have been together. His children live about 30 mins away from me (with their mum)- and I have met them twice.

My sister has only visited me twice since I have lived here (2 years) with the children and before I was pregnant with DD (4 months old) we barley had a relationship.

Anyway we are getting on alright at the moment and she seems totally in love with my DD so I'm really making an effort. Her children are nice but I dont have a relationship with them- as whenever they have visited they go swimming in the pool on the estate (which is free to residents so its a nice treat for them to go with their dad etc).

As my sister and her fella live so far away its becoming hard for him to see the kids due to the travelling (picking up on a friday and having to be back on the sunday traveling 4 hours on the M6 with 3 kids under 10) and they are having car trouble. So my sister has asked if they can all stay with us for the weekend. That would mean having their children- my sister and her DP and me and my DP and a TEETHING BABY.

To add to the problem my DP is a clean freak- he does all of the cleaning so it doesn't really bother me but I think he'd get really stressed about the mess and meyhem of the weekend. We have a 4 bed house but only 1 double spare where anyone can sleep (but it has an antique dressing screen which has been in DP's family for years) as one of our spare rooms is the study/ dumping ground.

I really want to help out but I'm afraid if I help out once it may turn into a regular thing ( I feel awful about this) and as I have a very fragile relationship with my sister I'm afraid of saying no to cause offence.

You could say "This is/has been fun....maybe we should do it again in a few months time?"

'To add to the problem my DP is a clean freak'

Well, it's not really the addition to the problem, is it? It is the problem. I do sympathise, really. But, this is great chance for you to really help your sister and build a lot of bridges. The children will probably adore your baby. Of course, it's also a chance for your DP to confront his 'fears' if you encourage him through the weekend, and ask your sis to do her best to keep the kids tidy.
I think, take a deep breath, get your courage up and grab the opportunity to change things.

sorry, posted first, then saw your last post OP. Good luck with it!

ps: Don't jump the gun - you may actually really enjoy it, and want them to come over regularly! Just see how it goes...

I don't think the fact that your baby is teething is relevant tbh. If you don't want to put them up, you don't and that is that.

Is it the kids you don't want as you have said your sister and her man are welcome to stay.

I can see your problem here - you must establish some ground rules with your sister before letting them come or the weekend is going to be a total nightmare.

Try saying to her (for example):
I'd love you to come but:

I don't know your 3 DSC very well - what if they do something wrong, is it ok for me to tell them to stop?

DP is pretty obsessive about cleanliness - please can you help keep things tidy with your 3 DSC so that he's happy for you to come to HIS house again? (as it seems apparent you moved into his home, it's fair enough)

be aware that the baby is teething, crying a lot, sleep might be limited for everyone, is that ok? Do your DSC cope well with broken nights? Do you?

If you can deal with potential problems ahead of time, it will alleviate your anxiety about the prospective visit and help you relax and enjoy it. You say you have no relationship with the DSC - this is a good way to start one.

is your sister actually expecting you to plan the visit? are they not just asking to stay as in sleep? i mean, are you maybe getting overly involved?

I think you should welcome them and move the screen into your room.

Cleaning up after guests is part of life. And why so worried about telling off the children - if the parents are there they'll deal with discipline.

Move anything fragile but do try and make them welcome. If thats not going to be possible then don't invite them. I'd hate to be a guest in someone's house who didn't want me or my children there.

In terms of future visits - stop over-thinking. See how this visit goes and then if they ask again in 2 weeks just say you're not free.

Hully and Reality - you two have had me in stitches today on a variety of threads.

I bet you wish you'd never mentioned that sodding screen. Go on, post a pic...

I would but my DP may not want me to go in the room as I may get finger prints on the door!

TBH its only when I have been re reading the thread I've realised how pathetic some of it ie the precious screen sounds!!!

I ussed to be such a laid back person....

Actually I don't think you were being pathetic, Pippa; if I had a beautiful and valuable piece of furniture that had been in the family for years (I haven't got any precious possessions because my rabbit wrecks them all ), I would be pretty wary of letting three kids under ten loose in the room with it. Frankly, kids are curious, clumsy and usually don't give much thought to the consequences of their actions. Why are people expecting you to "loosen up" (and force your DP to as well) and welcome a houseful of guests you don't want? I think some of the posters here have been a bit mean.

Move the screen out of the room get an air bed and be kind, I think YABU not to let them stay

I am sure once your child starts to walk the screen will be no more any way.
It is a thing, your sister is a person and is asking you to do something kind and helpful for her.

Gosh your dh sounds a PITA.

I would do what you want, and not live round your dh. If you want your sister to stay with her family, have her. If you start refusing to allow that because your dh has issues you will soon be living his life rather than your own.

I am just so shockingly envious of you having an obsessively clean dh that I can't get my head around it.

But it sounds like you are worrying about it too much. It could be fun, and if it isn't then you will just be very very busy from now on?

I think it is nice that your sister wants to be so involved. I would take the friendship with open arms.

Actually, thinking about it, my dh has some issues with household stuff getting ruined.

But not the cleaning thing. I wonder if I can start to nurture that side of him????

I think you need to chill out and your DH. It might be fun! Get lots of wine in.

But I'm the opposite. I used to be a tidy freak but 3 kids have changed it. Our house is scruffy but the kids and our friends have a fab time. Memories rather than clean walls!

I would put relationships first. You can clean the house when they have gone.If DH is obsessively clean it will do him good to be more adaptable!

cant your sister and her partner just stay the night and the children stay at their house?

Yes, but you can't just dump the kids back at their mum's house! It's the dad's night to have them, he wants to have them, their stepmum wants to have them, and the children's mum probably plans things to do for her evening when they're not there.

hotel near the childrens house? may work out cheaper than the amount spent on petrol. Will this be a regular arangement - do it once and your sister may expect it to be.

Thanks guys- I did a quite radical thig last night- I got my DP to read the thread- the whole thing ( he has a great sense of humour and is my best mate so I knew he wouldn't be offended ) He actually ended up laughing at himself and told me to invite them!

Anyway I sent the text- we would love you all to visit- adults on the friday night then everyone over the weekend- I have had no response though will let you know how it goes

ps- got to go an polish the screen....

Ha ha well done both of you!