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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to refuse to drop DD's at XH's?

32 replies

macdoodle · 12/11/2009 20:25

I was going to post this in Lone Parents or Relationships, but actually would like a good dose of AIBU objectivity!
XH has a knack of making me feel like I am mad and unreasonable...so???

We are seperated (nearly divorced), a long and acrimonious story, he was and continues to be emotionally and verbally abusive!

He has a lovely 2 bed flat, and is now with the OW and their DD (2 and a half), I have moved on and am happy (if not for him), we have 2 DD's (age 8 and nearly 2).

He has DD1 overnight 1/2 nights a month, he has them both every other sunday (9-4) and a few short contacts during the week.

We have had some mutterings about having them both overnight over xmas (he has never had DD2 overnight), and me wanting to break it in slowly suggested maybe he should have her a few nights before then!

So tonight he tells DD1, he will be having them both on sat night (but no OW or their DD, who is usually there when DD1 stays), but that I WILL have to drop them off!

Now on the face of it this seems ok I guess, but we have had this issue before!
The reason is that he will go to the pub after work (he will close up early and spend a few hours drinking before he has DD1 ), I refused to drop her off, saying if he wasnt fit to drive he wasnt fit to have her, so normally he rocks up stinking of beer with OW driving about 6:30pm!

I am not going to drop my baby off at him at this time of night so he can have a drink!
1st - its too late, by this time she has usually had tea, a bath, in pj's and winding down for bed
2nd - I dont see why I should be his taxi service, it is yet another way for him to control and dictate to me (OW has obviously refused to pick them both up if she isnt staying over with her DD as well)
3rd and most important - DD2 isnt 2 yet, if he has had a few drinks I dont think he is fit to be looking after her Its bad enough with DD1 but she is a sensible 8 yr old and able to (a) look after herself if neccessary and (b) call me if she needs to

I am pretty sure I am being emotional about this, I really dont want my baby to go there, I dont trust him, he drinks and smokes, but I am sure she will be ok, DD1 has been fine, AIBU because I am overemotional and hate him??

OP posts:
StewieGriffinsMom · 12/11/2009 20:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

meltedchocolate · 12/11/2009 20:47

OOoo, i really dont know what to say.

Just wanted to show support. On the one hand he is her father, on the other you feel this uncomfortable about it.

What would happen if you said they aren't coming round if he has had a drink? Would he kick off?

AnyFucker · 12/11/2009 20:50

too drunk to drive ?

too drunk to have sole responsibilty for a small child

no choice to make here

do not do it

it will also set an awful precedent

CarGirl · 12/11/2009 20:52

Absolutely no way.

It is your duty to make your dds available for contact and facilitate it his duty to collect and return them!!!!!

Original poster
macdoodle · 12/11/2009 20:55

if I refuse he will kick off almost certainly but I can handle that !
But he may very well charm the OW/GF into collecting them both, and would be very difficult to stop him taking them or even just DD2 He may come in a taxi ??

I have tried to discuss the not drinking when he has DD1 which is only once or max twice a month, and he just laughs/says I am mad/says he's not drunk (but too much to drive ), I dont want him to have my baby at all but certainly not when he's been drinking

OP posts:
CarGirl · 12/11/2009 20:58

Could you phone the nspcc for advice?

pleasechange · 12/11/2009 20:59

YANBU - he should be calling to collect the DC's, but definitely shouldn't be having them if he's had quite a lot to drink, or if it's too late for DD2

meltedchocolate · 12/11/2009 21:08

Has he actually had a lot to drink? Someties a person would fail a breath test even if they werent that drunk, is all i mean. Maybe he doesnt want to take the chance??

(not that he should be drinking at all if there is his children nearby)

Original poster
macdoodle · 12/11/2009 21:12

Well he has pretty good tolerance so no he wont be fall over drunk, but he will have that slightly edgy, droopy eyed, not safe to drive drunk (he will have had 3 or 4 pints quickly)!
He will continue to drink wine in the house, and usually falls asleep on the settee unrousable, not acceptable when he has my not quite 2 year old asleep downstairs!
I have just about let it go with DD1 because she is so mature and sensible but never been happy about it, I dont think its fair for her to have to be responsible for her sister
Fuck and bugger, I would love a night out with no children in the morning,I think its important that he has a relationship with his children, I dont want DD2 to be left out, but I am going to have to stand my ground here, it wont be pleasant

OP posts:
pleasechange · 12/11/2009 21:16

do you think he might me more sensible re. the drink if he has DD2 over? Why is the OW and their daughter not doing to be there - maybe it would be better if they were?

PerArduaAdNauseum · 12/11/2009 21:17

YANBU - tell him you can't drop them off as it will be too late for them? If he then sends his GF around to get them (earlier, so maybe you've got time for a shower and change and a night out) then at least you'll know there's a responsible adult there?

PerArduaAdNauseum · 12/11/2009 21:18

And if there's no precedent set for him having DD2 overnight, and he kicks off on the doorstep, you can always threaten to - or actually call - the police. Can't see them being very sympathetic to the immediate rights of a drunk...

perfectstorm · 12/11/2009 21:19

God, no. Too drunk to drive = too drunk to care for a toddler, and on top of that who the hell does he think he is? He had a baby with you a few months after he had one with the mistress, and he now lives with said mistress, and instead of appreciating your efforts to keep him involved in their lives and your acceptance of said OW in their lives, he expects and demands a free taxi service?!

I honestly don't think drinking beyond the odd glass is negotiable when you have a really small child in your care. I miss being able to get pissed, as I have a son also not yet two, but hey, I miss quite a few things about pre-motherhood. I'm never going to have a flat, stretchmark free belly again, either! Given he doesn't even live with them, and he wants overnights with a toddler, he needs to step up or shut up, quite frankly. He can drink on the nights when he hasn't got care of them.

Good for you for trying to facilitate contact when things are this hard, though. It must be a kicker at times. I admire the unselfishness.

Original poster
macdoodle · 12/11/2009 21:20

I would prefer GF (much as I dislike her) to be there (at least she will be sober and has her own DD as well), not sure why she wont be, I had suspected they were living together though he doesnt tell me and I dont ask, he told DD1 there wasnt enough room for all of them

OP posts:
meltedchocolate · 12/11/2009 21:21

Yeah why isnt OW gonna be there?

Stick to your guns if thats how you feel.

perfectstorm · 12/11/2009 21:23

Oh - also forgot to say that his lack of respect for her evening routine is nauseating. One thing if it's a special family event he wanted her at; all kids can break routines now and then for special occasions, but for a regular contact visit he really needs to arrange it around her needs rather than his - it's her first night away from Mum, and his lack of comprehension of, never mind sensitivity to, that is troubling.

Original poster
macdoodle · 12/11/2009 21:24

Oh yes there is history, OW/GF baby is just 5 months older than my DD2 - he was back and forwards between the 2 of us like a yo yo !
He ended up with her when I finally said enough and filed for divorce!
I despise her and him, and couldnt care less what the pair of them do they deserve each other!
But my DC are my priority and I'll be damned if I will be blamed for them not having a relationship with him (they do adore him).
I am so far past it all, I am glad she is about, as at least they do proper child stuff when he has them and I know someone wont be drinking!

I cant talk to him, he seems to be unable to be civil in anyway to me, will just end up a litany of insults and abuse, and I will get upset and lose my temper, I engage as little as possible!

OP posts:
meltedchocolate · 12/11/2009 21:31

Say to him very clearly - it is not up for discussion. OW isnt there when alcohol is, no kids, OW not there and no alcohol then fine.

Original poster
macdoodle · 13/11/2009 23:32

ok so some more advice as to AIBU??

have had minimal contact, he has girls these eve, and other than phoning to tell me I was late (I wasnt), we didnt speak!

DD1 seems edgy and tells me, he spent some time "explaining" to her why I have to drop them off, or they wont be able to see him and that will be my fault This included the OW couldnt come get them because they only have one car seat (he could have used mine for DD2), OW couldnt stay because they were both staying so not fair for her to come and get them, its easy for mummy to drop them off......his explanation did not include he would have been drinking in pub so couldnt come in his car

So I sent him a text asking what his plans were for tomorrow?
I get a reply "U drop them 2 me at 6:30" thats it!

So I replied but not sure how reasonable my reply was, was it ranty??v] I just despair at him ever getting it

"Why cant you just for once do whats right for your children? If youre not capable to drive. youre not capable of looking after them especially DD2. and 6:30 is too late for her! Its her first night away from me in your house, why cant you make an effort for them not go to the pub? Youre not doing it as a favour for me but because it should be time for you to enjoy with them? If youre drinking theyre not coming"

Too much?? Should have stuck to the "do not engage" Its not been delivered yet which means he's still in the pub as its the only place he doesnt get a signal

OP posts:
neverjamtoday · 13/11/2009 23:43

'If you're drinking, they're not coming' Absobloodylutely!

I am 'separated-soon-to-be-divorced' and a major role was played by alcohol in all this. The split has not been pleasant of course - still isn't but right from the start I have made it very clear that if he is drunk (or likely to get so) he will NOT be seeing the children. I have a duty to protect them even tho DD adores him (DS is not so keen at the mo').

My kids are far older than yours so I would say you have even more right to put your foot down. In the long term you will be able to explain to your kids why you did what you did.

Good luck....

Original poster
macdoodle · 13/11/2009 23:51

Thank you - am absolutely terrified of how he will react Usually a nightmare when I stand up to him, clearly DD1 worried as well, asked me what if I have to call the police again
Have told her if she wants she can go without DD2, if he comes with OW or in a taxi, because I trust her to be grown up but not her responsibility to look after DD2!
But not happy with that either now Just dont want her any more upset, she was so looking forward to the 3 of them having some time together Luckily DD2 too young to know whats going on!
She says for now she doesnt want to go without DD2 (I have made a big deal that they are treated equally because DD2 was born after we split and is much younger, she is largely ignored by XH and his family)!

Oh god, I'm not BU am I, he makes me feel so deranged most of the time

OP posts:
Stayingsunnygirl · 13/11/2009 23:54

I don't think I would have said anything different, macdoodle. If he cannot do without a drink or 6 for one or two nights a month (or even one or two nights a week, frankly) then he is dependant on alchohol and has a problem.

He should be putting their needs first, and he certainly shouldn't be manipulating your dd1 - that shows me that he really isn't thinking of their welfare at all.

Snorbs · 14/11/2009 00:19

When I get in situations like this with my ex, I find it helpful to change the scenario to help work out if IABU. Eg, if your DD's were supposed to be having a sleep-over tonight with (say) an aunt but you knew that aunt had spent the afternoon in the pub, would you still send your DDs for the sleep-over?

For what it's worth I don't let my DCs sleep at anyone's house if I think the person who's supposed to be looking after them has had too much to drink.

The only thing I would say, though, is that it might be better if you made the decision for DD1. I know it's important to give DCs some power over their own lives but this kind of situation can leave children feeling that whatever they choose they're going to let down one of their parents. At 8yo this can influence their choices much more than what they might actually want to happen or what they are comfortable with.

Yes, if you're the one who says "No" then that's going to make you the bad guy in your ex's eyes but I suspect that your DD1 might be secretly relieved to not have to make that decision herself. I've got much the same situation with my ex and all the advice I've had has been that the buck needs to stop with me over serious safety issues like this.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 14/11/2009 00:20

Macdoodle you are not being in the slightest unreasonable!

I've not seen any of your threads before, only read your responses on the threads of other women in your position or still in the abusive relationship. I can't imagine how hard it must be, but can you step outside the situation and look at it as an outsider? What would you advise another woman in your position?

You are absolutely doing the right thing.

I think that if this situation goes on then you should go to court for new contact arrangements. No court is going to award in favour of a drunken father v. a responsible mother.

lilacclaire · 14/11/2009 00:28

My goodness, im probably not much use, but having read your previous fiesty posts, please put it in to pratice and say if your not fit to bloody drive then your not fit to look after my children.
I know this is easier to say than to put into practice, but give it a shot!

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