to refuse to drop DD's at XH's?

[macdoodle]

I was going to post this in Lone Parents or Relationships, but actually would like a good dose of AIBU objectivity!
XH has a knack of making me feel like I am mad and unreasonable...so???

We are seperated (nearly divorced), a long and acrimonious story, he was and continues to be emotionally and verbally abusive!

He has a lovely 2 bed flat, and is now with the OW and their DD (2 and a half), I have moved on and am happy (if not for him), we have 2 DD's (age 8 and nearly 2).

He has DD1 overnight 1/2 nights a month, he has them both every other sunday (9-4) and a few short contacts during the week.

We have had some mutterings about having them both overnight over xmas (he has never had DD2 overnight), and me wanting to break it in slowly suggested maybe he should have her a few nights before then!

So tonight he tells DD1, he will be having them both on sat night (but no OW or their DD, who is usually there when DD1 stays), but that I WILL have to drop them off!

Now on the face of it this seems ok I guess, but we have had this issue before!
The reason is that he will go to the pub after work (he will close up early and spend a few hours drinking before he has DD1 ), I refused to drop her off, saying if he wasnt fit to drive he wasnt fit to have her, so normally he rocks up stinking of beer with OW driving about 6:30pm!

I am not going to drop my baby off at him at this time of night so he can have a drink!
1st - its too late, by this time she has usually had tea, a bath, in pj's and winding down for bed
2nd - I dont see why I should be his taxi service, it is yet another way for him to control and dictate to me (OW has obviously refused to pick them both up if she isnt staying over with her DD as well)
3rd and most important - DD2 isnt 2 yet, if he has had a few drinks I dont think he is fit to be looking after her Its bad enough with DD1 but she is a sensible 8 yr old and able to (a) look after herself if neccessary and (b) call me if she needs to

I am pretty sure I am being emotional about this, I really dont want my baby to go there, I dont trust him, he drinks and smokes, but I am sure she will be ok, DD1 has been fine, AIBU because I am overemotional and hate him??

I didn't mean that unkindly, my heart goes out to you.

Agree very much with snorbs - please feel able to make the decisions for BOTH your DCs not just the younger one. I made the mistake of thinking that I had to let my DCs have the whole say when because of their loyalty they didn't want to tell me they were upset or scared of what was going on. They are children, we are the adults, we need to make the decisions for them to make them feel safe. Things have been so much better since I have made this decision - my DCs are much happier/calmer and they know I will protect them whatever.

Also agreeing with Snorbs. Don't want to overshare but my own father drank & drove, manipulated, slagged off my mother etc &etc, and yet she bent over backwards (from the absolute noblest of motives) to facilitate contact. I really, really wish she hadn't, and my father will spend time alone with my own kids when hell freezes over.

Contact is important, don't misunderstand me. But so is spelling out that abusive behaviour is utterly unacceptable. Drinking heavily around small kids - 8 is small too - is a no no. I know he makes you feel powerless, but actually (as all too many horrible mothers are aware) you have residence, you make the rules.

It's always the way in life that the people who worry about contact and their child's best interests get screwed over by the parent who doesn't, because someone has to compromise or the kids suffer. But if he is abusing alcohol and missing out on contact time to facilitate that (and he is, if you are offering him them earlier to give dd2 settling-in time) then that's a big red flag by itself.

How did it go, are you okay?

Thank you cargirl
It went both badly and well!
My final text to him was calm saying I wasnt going to argue about it, it wasnt about me or him, but the children, if he was too drunk to drive to collect them, he was too drunk to look after them, and he could have them as usual on sunday.
I had a calm chat with DD1, didnt slag him off or blame him, just told her that of he couldnt drive to collect them, then I wasnt comfortable for him to look after them, she was fine. If anything she seemed relieved I had made a decision and was sticking to it.

He didnt come to the house or contact us at all saturday night, we had a lovely night eating popcorn and watching X factor!

He came 15 mins late on sunday morning, which may not seem a lot, but DD1 was getting very anxious he wasnt coming (as was I thinking he was going to "punish" me by not having them on sunday, and was purely as a means to exert some control!

I didnt speak to him at all on pick up or drop off and the DD's seemed ok I was extremely relieved TBH and am not going to offer any overnights at all, he will need to make the first move and prove he can put them first!

He did have a go at me on Monday evening, because he considered me late (I wasnt but I normally finish early and had been busy), but I really dont care any more!

I did speak to the NSPCC about it (DD1 and I are doing a group course with them for victims of domestic abuse), of course they agreed with you wise lot!

thank you so much everyone, I was wavering, he does make me feel like I am always in the wrong, but you all gave me the courage to stick to my guns and I am so glad I did!

yay, result !

anytime you are wavering or questioning yourself, get yo ass onto Mumsnet

That's great and isn't it interesting that your eldest was happy to not be going because of his drinking etc.

Glad you're getting some RL support with some experts it's very hard otherwise isn't it.