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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be near to tears over this ??

43 replies

MrsMorgan · 12/11/2009 16:42

Dd1 and the bloody song and dance to get her to do her homework. She is in yr 7 and as far as doing work in school time she is brilliant, but homework is another story.

They don't get homework each lesson, but a 3 week long home learning project, 2 on the go at once time.

The latest 2 are supposed to be in tommorow. She has just about managed to finnish the one, but only because she could do a powr point presentation for it.

The unfinnished one is a report on healthy eating, including a questionnaire, graphs reporting the dat found etc etc. Over the 3 weeks I have offered to help several times and been told no.

So here we are, the night before hand in and she is nowhere near finnished and I am exhausted at the constant battle.

My mum said leave her and let her get into trouble and maybe then she will pull her socks up.

I can't believe I am so fucking upset about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsMorgan · 12/11/2009 16:43

Sorry for typos, I am slightly stressed.

OP posts:
diddl · 12/11/2009 16:49

So, she´s 11?

All I can think of is let her stay up as long as necessary to finish (within reaon!).

Next time, try to work out a schedule with her?

Maybe just me, but 11 seems quite young to organise so far in advance, especially if other work is coming in daily.

mumblechum · 12/11/2009 16:51

I've been through all this with ds and he has come out the other side but not really till end of yr8.

I think they do still need a bit of handholding/nagging, but with a view to getting her to work out her own homework schedule over the next few months and then ultimately letting her mess up and get into trouble if necessary, it's the only way they'll learn.

slug · 12/11/2009 16:54

Speaking as an ex-teacher, sometimes the most difficult lessons to teach are that actions (and inactions) have consequences. I think you should let her fail. Let her deal with the consequences. You cannot hold her hand and protect her for the rest of her life. Far better that she learns this lesson now than at the the end of her GCSE year when when does not hand in the coursework that is worth 20% of her grade. Or during A levels when she needs to complete modules.

I used to have students who complained bitterly when they failed courses. "Why didn't you make me do the work" they would say. For these students, the concept of responsibility for their own actions was not one they were familiar with. At least at your DDs age the worst that can happen is a telling off, maybe a detention. Better that than not learning the lesson, continuing in the behaviour, failing a major exam in future years and having to be held back.

Original poster
MrsMorgan · 12/11/2009 16:55

No they don't get daily work, just the projects.

She has always had this problem with projects, but it did appear to get slightly better towards the end of juniors.

I did try and help her with a schedule, but she keeps saying she has it in hand etc and I thought it was, because she had done the questionnaire. It was only when she asked me the questions that I realised how little effort had gone into it.

The trouble is, she thinks she is so well liked by teachers (which she is) that this will get her through.

Part of me thinks that she needs to get into trouble for her to realise that she has to put more effort in.

OP posts:
allaboutme · 12/11/2009 16:55

I agree to leave her and she will probably pull her socks up for next time as well

LIZS · 12/11/2009 16:56

tbh I think I'd let her take the consequences of either rushing or missing the deadline. It really isn't worth the angst to fight and probably won't make much difference to the outcome now.

Is there any opportunity for her to do homework independently at school, ds stays once a a week and they have to work quietly with access to IT etc. It takes a lot of the stress away and we remind him on the morning what he needs to do first.

Original poster
MrsMorgan · 12/11/2009 16:57

I think you might be right slug.

She is terribly organised and I think I need to stop helping her and let her fail, which sounds so mean, but I don't know what else to do.

She is constantly forgetting and losing things and generally I go to her rescue, but it is not helping.

Oh I should add that the sheet she is supposed to be working from has now been lost and so she is trying to do it from memory .

OP posts:
bellissima · 12/11/2009 16:58

YANBU. I hate projects. half the time the parents do em. And it's just unnatural. remember when you were at uni and had two weeks to do an essay/paper. Like you did it a bit at a time? Or in some mad panic overnight before the tutorial? So what does anyone expect a child to do?

Original poster
MrsMorgan · 12/11/2009 16:59

There is a homework club Mon - Thurs. She often says she is going to go but then turns up at home as normal.

OP posts:
tethersend · 12/11/2009 16:59

Step back and let her fail- she needs to use that as a learning process.

I know it's harsh, but your dd needs to know what the consequences are for not completing homework, and she needs to take responsibility for her own learning. You can help by making sure nothing exciting is happening at the time she is supposed to be doing her homework- it is her choice whether or not to do it.

You will be encouraging her independent learning skills, which is the point of homework.

As an aside, if she experiences real difficulty in completing a project over 3 weeks (I would never set y7 a project that long tbh), then discretely mention it to the teacher/tutor/head of year. It may be that other kids and parents are finding it difficult too... or maybe the task could be broken down into 3 weekly tasks?

I think you need to step back for your own sanity... no-one will be judging you or your parenting skills on this. And teachers always know which projects have been done by the parents

tethersend · 12/11/2009 17:01

x-post without about a million other people

tethersend · 12/11/2009 17:01

with

tsk

Original poster
MrsMorgan · 12/11/2009 17:07

Thank you, I am going to just leave her too it now.

I am planning to bring it up with her form tutor at parents evening, as I think they need to know that although she is more than capaable of doing the work, she seems to lose the plot when it comes to doing the work at home.

I know she isn't the only one who has left it, 2 of her friends have, but their parents have now contributed and finished them. I have done this with dd in the past but it hasn't helped so I think you are all right, I need to let her see that it is soley her responsibility.

Sorry if I seemed a tad dramatic. I just got upset because I explained the problem to xp as he was dropping dd2 off, and he just shrugged and left.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsMorgan · 13/11/2009 09:25

Well she didn't finnish it, and once she realised she wouldn't she gave up for the evening .

I asked her what she was going to tell her teacher and she said she was going to say that she got stuck doing the graphs. She hinted at me giving her a note but I pretended not to notice.

I casually reminded her (again) to take her art homework in and then at 8:20 just as I was about to take the other two to school, she rings and tells me she'd forgotten it. I told her to come back and get it then, and if it made her late then on her own head be it.

I feel like I am being mean, but I really don't think this is going to sink in with her until she actually gets into trouble.

OP posts:
sdr · 13/11/2009 09:40

You've done the right thing - lesson to be learned and all that.

But, she is still only 11 and just started Secondary (have two DD's at secondary), so give her a big cuddle when she comes home upset. Then for the next project help her sort out a timetable and remind her each day. She'll get there.

LoveBeingAMummy · 13/11/2009 09:44

You've totally done the right thing, its so important that she 'gets it' before her exams start, I do think this is the reason such projects are set.

If she thinks you will bail he out then why should she bother doing it?

ABetaDad · 13/11/2009 09:48

DS1 eactly the same age and same problem. Very able but totally lazy about homework.

Been 'doing' a project on planets for the last week but not really bothering. Finally I forced him to do fnish it last night and when he showed it to me it was clear he had just done as little as possible

When I told him off because he had very clearly had put no effort in at all he burt into tears calls me every name under the sun. Saying he fees I hate him, says I undermine him and that I have stolen his childhood. This coming from a 7 yr old!

I really feel that I should now let him face the consequences of being lazy. He is very able but does try and get by with the bare minimim of effort. His teacher pulled hm up for being lazy last week and he burst into tears in front of the whitebaord complaining he had hardly slept at the weekend and was to exhausted to do his maths properly. That is compleley untrue and yet she believed him!

I am thinking of sending him and his brother to be day boarders at a boarding school where they do supervised homework in total silence at appointed times with their peers.

It would work for me.

ABetaDad · 13/11/2009 09:50

I see the OP has a DD in Yr 7 and my DS is age 7. Stil the same problem though and I dread to think what he will be like by the time he in Yr 7.

Hullygully · 13/11/2009 09:53

Age 7??? Dear lord, cut the kid some slack.

ItsAllaBitNoisy · 13/11/2009 09:53

If I were you, and had a good relationship with her teacher, I would suggest to the teacher that DD gets as much punishment as is available to her. Might be a good lesson learned.

Poor kid though! I was exactly the same at that age, and wish now someone had given me a good kick in the bum!

MintyCane · 13/11/2009 09:59

ABetaDad I assume your whole post was tongue in cheek, otherwise it is just too depressing.

To the OP - I would let her fail. It is a lesson best learnt young. It is better to do it now than when she is doing GCSE coursework.

Hullygully · 13/11/2009 10:03

Minty - I think they both need a bit of woo in their lives...

MintyCane · 13/11/2009 10:06

They do, they do ! They should go and hug a tree and like chill out man.

PixiNanny · 13/11/2009 10:13

Let her fail. Gods know that I could've done with that treatment rather than Mum helping me with the homework until year 11!