to feel upset at DH for leaving me while ill?

[Threelittleducks]

I am really really not very well and tried to phone the doc this morning to get an appointment (none til next week ) I feel awful, I look awful, my head is all wobbly, I want to die.

My Dh says to me this morning "How are you feeling?"
I tell him.
I phone doc, no joy.
I beg DH not to go - I have a 1 year old son and dog to manage while he is gone.
All i want to do is sleep! I'm very rarely ill!
He just leaves, goes to work without even saying goodbye!
I text him in despair - how could he leave me when I feel like this!?
His reply is that I'll be fine, nothing he can do, he has to work.
Fair enough I suppose, but it made me quite upset.

When he is ill - and he has been recently, he phoned in sick from work, lounged on the couch feeling sorry for himself while I ran around looking after everyone. I even made loads of nourishing home-made food, which he had no problem in eating ("oh but I feel so ill" lol).

Inever get to "phone in sick". After today I feel like I practically will have to be dying before he helps me out. I told him, I properly told him, that I didn't feel as if I could cope, and he hasn't done anything to help! Is it just me, or is it his responsibility too? After all, if I had to go to work and he was ill, I would be the one trying to find alternative childcare so that he didn't have to look after DS while he is ill!

I know just how you feel, threelittleducks, and it does feel so unfair. Is there anyone who could have the 1-year-old for a while to give you a break, and could someone come in and walk the dog for you too?

Failing that, all I can suggest is that you put on some dvds for the baby, and lie down on the couch for as long as the baby will stay occupied. Also, don't worry about the mess the baby makes - that is your dh's responsibility when he gets home, as is supper.

Wrap up warm, drink plenty, and I hope you feel better soon.

{{hugs}}

Oh no, poor you Hope you feel better soon. Got any lemsips around ? Can you phone a friend to have the baby for a bit while you take a break.

To us, it would have to depend on how ill the other half was and how difficult it was getting time off work. Dh did take time off when I was actually delirious with pleurisy, but there was no way he could have had the two weeks off until I was fully recovered. His firm just can't afford it.

And if he was ill, but not hospital/needing nursing care-ill, I would expect him to do childcare if I had to go to work. I took time off when he had Reyes syndrome, but wouldn't for an ordinary tummy bug or moderate flu.

But if you are really really ill, then of course you need help.

so sorry for you and glad he only left you alone to go to work - NOT how I read your thread title, I thought he had actually LEFT you!

I'm pretty sure I'd have to be at death's door before DH would think to help me out without being asked - and then he'd be totally blasé about whatever ailed me because he was brought up with a permanently sick father who died when DH was 18 - so unless I was truly dying I'd get no sympathy and a lecture about how his Dad coped while sick blah blah.

He could have called in a duvet day, but times are hard just now and it might have been a bad move - and you are feeling sorry for yourself because you are sick anyway, so you ain't going to be at your most rational BUT you are still NBU because it's not fair on your DS!

I feel your pain. DH has pulled similar stunts - the most memorable being when me and the boys had flu (4 yrs and 1 yrs at the time). I actually worry what would happen if I was ever seriously ill/needed to go to hospital. Who would look after the DCs as his work seems to be his number one priority?

On the rare instances he is ill and takes time off work he retreats to the bedroom. I make every effort to keep the children away, bring him hot drinks, medicines and food. One time he need to see a doctor, I phoned and there wasn't one available for a week. He was such a misery guts I booked him an appointment at a private GP (goodbye £40).

Now I know he is the sole earner and there is a lot of pressure but in the 8 years since having DH1 I am never allowed to be ill. I wouldn't mind someone making a fuss of me.

YANBU but it seems to be the way it is.

Sympathies. You are right when you say that as a sahm you don't get to phone in sick. It is one of the drawbacks.

All I can advise is to make damn sure you are still feeling too ill to cope on Saturday (whether you are or not ) That way, your dh can look after your ds and dog and do the cooking etc and you can have a day to yourself to make up for today.

Am I the only one who makes no more fuss of my dh than I expect made of myself? When dh was ill yesterday with a headache and flu-like symptoms, I went off quite happily in the knowledge that that is (also poorly) ds's childcare sorted for the day. Admittedly ds is quite old, but I don't remember acting differently years ago. My assumption has always been that dh and I have the same level of responsibility and pretty well the same level of competence; it helps that we both work (me part-time) so we are both aware how difficult it is to get time off and he doesn't expect me to cope with anything he couldn't cope with himself. The criteria would be exactly the same regardless of which one of us was ill.

TheCrackFox - am having a small snigger at the thought of you having "had" DH1 - I know it's a typo but it amused me (simple things...)

I really can't type for toffee.

Poor you and I do hope that you feel better very soon.
Although this is no help aside from hopefully reassuring you that you are far from alone, my dh and I were both ill at the same time with a sickness bug earlier this week (our 2 dc, 2.5 and 5 months had it very mildly ie chucking up once each over the weekend). My dh took to bed whilst - wait for it - I did all the childcare and usual stuff. At one point, I was actually throwing up into a carrier bag whilst I was trying to serve our toddler her supper, whilst he refused to budge from bed.
I really dislike his behaviour when he is ill. It's like his symptoms become his total world and nothing else matters, and you just don't have the luxury of doing that with kids.
On the other hand, he has taken the day off when I've been ill and insisted, though he works in the public sector which is probably a bit more liberal than others.
Take care.

And, no, YANBU at all.

YANBU. If my DH has possibly been able to take time off when I was ill (it has only happened about twice in 9 years), then he has. I do have to beg, but if I asked him outright, like you did, then he'd do his utmost.

My guess is that your DH was going to find it a bit difficult to take the time off, felt guilty, and couldn't face telling you, so sloped off ...

Either that, or he is a bit thoughtless/selfish. Your DC IS his responsibility.

Cheers guys

I am just feeling sorry for myself I suppose. What I forgot to mention is that I do work part time (and will be expected to on Sat whether I feel ill or not) and I am also at Uni doing my masters (or trying to inbetween skiving on MN and well, real life )

We are usually very equal - which is why I make such a fuss of him when he is ill - I guess I'm hoping for a bit of TLC in return.
His work isn't that important (he really hates it, it's a job he's had since he left school and through uni)- he works in a shop where there are a lot of guys to cover, his boss is really easy-going; it wouldn't have been a big deal for him to take a day off. He really hates his job - he actually just got a new one so is leaving there soon. I reckon he loves to go just to get some boy banter (there are loads of guys and there's a lot of cameraderie. It's like he is at school! Oh and he gets to play the PS3 at lunchtime!!!)

Ach I'm just a moany guts! Ha ha! It just upset me a wee bit. Plus I don't have anyone else to help me - I live in the arse end of nowehere. I can feel really unsupported at times. Rubbish!

DS is being a wee hunny and giving me his dummy and his Hula Hoops. Yum.

Are you feeling any better today, threelittleducks? I hope so.

YANBU

I have concussion and as soon as DH heard I was at the hospital he came to get ds2 and has been at home since. I am in bed and he has brought me choc, lunch, a paper and it sorting out the kids.

Simple

Next time he is ill and at home, leave him there babysitting and go out for the day.

Three i can sympathise but it is difficult for your dh. Taking time off isn't easy in the current climate especially as he has just taken time off ill himself.
I was really poorly all last week. Literally had to drag myself to do school run and dd2 sat and watched c beebies for a week.
I then took to bed and slept all weekend.
I also felt upset and miserable with dp but now appreciate it wouldn't have been easy for him to get time off.
Guess it's the tough call of being a SAHM.
Hope your better soon.

yabu. Do you seriously expect him to phone into work and say he can't come in just because you are feeling poorly ?

And to say his job "isn't that important" - I presume it pays the bills ?

Hmm, I can see both sides.

It's really no fun to have to deal with a one year old baby whilst you feel like shit. I've been in this situation before and my dh has actually taken the day off to help me out. But that was before the recession.

Presumably he's worried that he's already had time off sick and he doesn't want his bosses to think that he's taking the piss. Plus imagine how it sounds to phone in and say that you can't come in because your wife is ill.

Not to mention the fact that he won't get paid for taking a day off to look after you.

I would call on friends and family to help. Get one of them to look after the baby for a few hours whilst you get some sleep.

However he should also be calling you to see if you're ok and he could also call round his family and friends for you to see if they can help. To just walk out on you after you'd done so much for him, that's just uncaring and horrible.

As it's the weekend I suggest that you leave the baby and dog with him, book into a Premier Inn and recover in style.

I think the fact that he actually went to work is a bit of a red herring.

Before he went, he should have sorted DS out with breakfast etc, taken the dog for a quick walk and given you a big hug before he went out the door. And he should have rung you at lunch time to see how you were and said not to worry about dinner, that he will bring takeaway or cook.

That is what I would expect.

As it happens, I'm ill today. Rotten cold, hardly any voice. DH happens to be working at home today, and he sorted DS this morning, tidied up the kitchen and put away the internet shop that turned up first thing. Then he brought me a cup of tea and told me to stay in bed for another hour because he could juggle work and DS. Since then he's been on conference calls and will be until gone 6pm, but after that he will take over again.

If DH was meant to be looking after our DCs and was ill, and I had to go out to work I'm afraid I would still go, having sorted out as much as possible before hand (ie breakfasts etc).

He would really have to be dying for me to not go.

But...I would have called his parents and asked if they would come over, and they would be here like a shot, unlike when I am ill. !

I have a few friends who would also help in an emergency - have you anyone who would help?

As said, he would have to be coughing up a lung to not go.

Sorry I didn't mean to come across as smug but I think lots of men are bad at stepping up and taking on a bit of extra responsibility when the occasion demands. My own father, wonderful as he is in loads of other ways, is one of them so it touches a bit of a nerve with me!

I hope you feel better soon Threelittleducks, how come you can't phone in sick tomorrow morning?

DH wouldn't take time off because I was ill' He's a teacher and it would cause huge kerfuffle at school. I could in theory work from home if neccessary but prefer not to as I like to keep that for real emergencies such as one of the DC being ill.

It's one of the shit things about being a parent - you have to be the grown-up all the time even when you don't feel like it.

I agree with Alibaba. No reason why he shouldn't have gone to work, but he should have done everything with house/kids/dog etc before he went, leaving you in bed, and should take over the second he walks through the door.