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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to find this a little concerning?

43 replies

crazylizzy · 12/11/2009 11:34

Don't really know if I'm being too sappy about this or not.

A friend of mine has recently had a baby, her first. She had a reasonably straight forward birth, gas and air, pethidine and an epidural. I think it all lasted about 9 hours. She seemed to be quite upset at the level of pain she experienced and has stated how horrific she found it all and has vowed never to have more children.

Anyway, she is home now, her son is 11 weeks old. I am slightly miffed however at how easily she seems to leave him with what seems to be anyone who is willing to have him.

She said casually last week that she went out for a meal and left her son with her neighbor who she really doesn't know well at all. When I asked her about it she made a joke and said "I'll happily leave him with anyone, I don't mind!" then snorted about it as if it was somehow comical

This isn't the first time she's left him with someone she doesn't know well or with someone who has incredibly limited childcare experience. She goes out maybe once or twice a week.

She is a mature and intelligent lady, but her behavior just doesn't sit right with me AIBU to be concerned?

OP posts:
bogie · 12/11/2009 11:36

That does sound odd I remember when my 1st was born I wouldn't even leave him with my parents or the in laws for ages.

Original poster
crazylizzy · 12/11/2009 11:38

Me neither, that's why I am a little concerned. I have brought it up with her but she genuinely doesn't see the problem.

OP posts:
BunnyLebowski · 12/11/2009 11:41

Very odd. DD is 13 months and I haven't left her with anyone other than my mum.

I don't understand how you could be so carefree about the care of your own tiny baby.

Weird.

BibiThree · 12/11/2009 11:48

I'd be concerned about bonding issues there, maybe that level of pain, for her, was traumatic and has affected her relationship with her son.

I had a friend who was similar with her ds as she'd absolutely convinced herself she was having a girl, bought pink clothes, did his room out for a girl etc. When he was born she barely looked at him for days. Didn't name him for weeks, in fact did the bare minimum she could and spent as little time with him as possible, leaving him with anyone who showed an interest.

I don't know what to suggest, I spoke to my friend's mother who brought it up with my friend and the health visitor. She got a little bit of help with pnd and now loves her son unconditionally.

TheShriekingHarpy · 12/11/2009 13:22

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TheShriekingHarpy · 12/11/2009 13:23

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madamearcati · 12/11/2009 13:24

YABU she has left him with a neighbour , why is that weird ? How many popeople leave their DCs with childminders/nursery staff/ teenaged babysitters they scarcely know

madamearcati · 12/11/2009 13:26

And I can't understand why your slightly scornful list of pain relief is relevant at all ?

Jujubean77 · 12/11/2009 13:29

v weird at 11 weeks!

MadameDefarge · 12/11/2009 13:31

YABU. Her childcare arrangements are her own.

Is there some law that states new mothers are not allowed out without their children?

I used to babysit children of that age when I was a teenager. Not exactly a tough gig. They sleep. Maybe they wake up. You give them a cuddle, or maybe the bottle (of whatever the mother has left). They settle down.

Its not child abuse.

What would you be saying if she had to go out to work two nights a week? would that make it ok?

Disenchanted3 · 12/11/2009 13:31

Theres a family near us 'the smith family' who knows y next door neighbour 'sue', not very well but friendly.

The smiths are a bit neightbours from hell and they had visitors round.

Next thing Sue has a knock on the door and its the smiths kids to visit her kids (all arund 10 years old) and they have with them a 3 week old baby!!

The visitors of the smiths send the kids roundto ask sue if she would watch the baby for an hour.

Yes, they sent their 3 week old baby with a bunch of 10 year old to ask a stranger to mind the baby!!

I was gobsmacked!

Flightattendant · 12/11/2009 13:34

Sounds like she might have a bit of PND or issues bonding with him.

I had PND and although I did (I think) love ds1, and was generally attentive and responsive to him, I did used to joke with the women in our bakery about selling him on ebay etc etc

sometimes people kind of looked at me in a kind of way

It took me ages to realise it wasn't that funny and I ought to be nicer about him in case he heard me and understood...

has your friend got a partner/husband or any other support?

BarackObamasTransitVan · 12/11/2009 13:35

"How many popeople leave their DCs with childminders/nursery staff/ teenaged babysitters they scarcely know"

Err, not that many I'd wager! OK so you might not know nursery staff well personally, but that's a million miles away from leaving a new baby with a random neighbour that you don't know well at all.

I agree that the birth bit might be a bit of a red herring.

A friend of mine did something similar many moons ago. She freely admits (30 years on) that she was struggling and I suspect that crazylizzy's friend is, too.

Madascheese · 12/11/2009 13:35

Concerned about your friend yes, sniffy that she seems to have been a bit traumatised by the birth of her child..YABU

It's a big bloody deal having a baby and it affects us all differently, some people's horror story is someone else's 'reasonably straightforward birth'

If you were my friend I'd want you round there with tea, sympathy and a big box of chocs helping me get to the bottom of it all rather than deciding if I am allowed to be upset of not.

(Sorry had an empathy bypass today...)

x

Flightattendant · 12/11/2009 13:35

Please can people stop having a go at OP and bringing work etc into it?

It sounds like PND caused by birth trauma and if so she might need help.

Chunkamatic · 12/11/2009 13:37

Not sure that it is really any of your business - and I agree I'm not sure why your sniffy comments about her birth are needed?

Did she say herself that she doesnt really know her neighbour, or is this something you've summised for yourself?

She may do things differently to you. If you are concerned that she may be depressed then you need to address this with her in an empathetic and considerate way. If you are, on the other hand, just wanting to be judegmental about the way she runs her life then i'm afraid YABU.

MadameDefarge · 12/11/2009 13:38

a couple of nights out a week adds up to what, 8 hours?

8 hours to herself out of an entire week. Its probably saving her sanity.

OP doesn't mention a partner or husband...we know nothing really about the circs...

I think its pretty poor to ask us to judge someone without the facts, plus some pointless info about her birth thrown in.

Perhaps as a friend the OP could offer to babysit, rather than tut tut about her wanting a small amount of time away from a demanding baby.

thesecondcoming · 12/11/2009 14:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

posieparker · 12/11/2009 14:41

I completely agree that her behaviour is not the norm, maybe normal for her though. I would be very judgy about anyone I knew doing this.

SlartyBartFast · 12/11/2009 14:45

but what can you do?
zilch.
11 weeks is nearly 3 months, and i bet they have been a bloody long 11 weeks.

9 hour labour sounds not a party in the park to me.

SlartyBartFast · 12/11/2009 14:47

perhaps she needs to get out, it must be doing her some good surely?

Francasaysrelax · 12/11/2009 14:52

I can't see what's so incredibly wrong in being able to leave your tiny baby for a few hrs a week (no, I wasn't able to leave mine for a long time at such a tiny age both for logistic and personal reasons).
Maybe it is not the norm, but not necessarily a sign of PND or bonding issues.

porcamiseria · 12/11/2009 14:58

YANBU this is odd behaviour I think, noone is disputing thats its 100% fine to leave a 11 week baby and get a break, but to casually leave em with anyone? def some bonding issues

I dont think OP was being scathing about birth, was she?

Its bloody easy to judge tho, I remember being horrified when my mate left her 2 month baby for a 4 night hen weekend! But at the end of the day we all parent differently.....

lilackaty · 12/11/2009 15:03

I used to leave dd when she ws younger than that with friends while I went to collect my bf from work- it was about 20 mins but it never occured to me that I shouldn't. It wasn't everyday, just if a friend was round visiting and was happy to do it.
And I went on my hen weekend when she was 2 months old for 2 nights.

Lulumama · 12/11/2009 15:09

oooooooh, I'd be only too happy to have a tiny baby to look after for a few hours, from one of my neighbours !

on a serious note, perhaps she is traumatised and is unable to spend all her time with the baby

a 9 hour labour is not long for a first baby and if it has left her unable to consider having another child, then i would say she is certainly traumatised and could do with some help and support rather than your sniffy condemnation

erhaps you could broach the subject or offer her some help with the baby?

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