to find this a little concerning?

[crazylizzy]

Don't really know if I'm being too sappy about this or not.

A friend of mine has recently had a baby, her first. She had a reasonably straight forward birth, gas and air, pethidine and an epidural. I think it all lasted about 9 hours. She seemed to be quite upset at the level of pain she experienced and has stated how horrific she found it all and has vowed never to have more children.

Anyway, she is home now, her son is 11 weeks old. I am slightly miffed however at how easily she seems to leave him with what seems to be anyone who is willing to have him.

She said casually last week that she went out for a meal and left her son with her neighbor who she really doesn't know well at all. When I asked her about it she made a joke and said "I'll happily leave him with anyone, I don't mind!" then snorted about it as if it was somehow comical

This isn't the first time she's left him with someone she doesn't know well or with someone who has incredibly limited childcare experience. She goes out maybe once or twice a week.

She is a mature and intelligent lady, but her behavior just doesn't sit right with me AIBU to be concerned?

OK I really need to clear this up here as a lot of you have gone off on a wing and totally missed the point I am trying to make.

I am not judging her for going out, that was not the point I was making. I genuinely have no issues with her going out what so ever on any level. In fact, the opposite, I am happy that she is getting back on her feet, getting out and enjoying herself.

She seems to be traumerd by the birth. It was her that said she was horrified by it all, mainly at how much pain she was in. She seems to talk about it excessively every time we talk (merely an observation) and it clearly has left a very negative mark with her

I slanted the word "reasonably" because to me, having an epidural is not a "straight forward birth". It must be very frighting and painful to have a needle put into your spine. I meant reasonably straight forward by meaning there was no emergency surgery needed, forceps, awful tearing etc. A lot of you have misunderstood me there.

She is married, she goes out with her husband.

madamearcati - it's weird because she doesn't know the neighbor. I find it mind baffling that you don't find that odd. She told me herself that she doesn't know the neighbor that well. Her words not mine.

MadameDefarge - it's not about her going out. My post stated I was concerned with how easy she was leaving her son with people she doesn't know well not that she was going out.

Chunkamatic - I feel it is my business because she is a friend and I care for her well being and that of her son

thesecondcoming - I in fact do like my friend thank you

Flightattendant - I was thinking the same?

Please understand that I am not being judgmental, I would hate to think that I am coming across that way. I am just concerned at her slightly odd behavior (that of leaving her son with anyone not her going out, just to clarify that once again)

Could you offer to have the baby?

She might be depressed, she might be quite chilled about leaving him, she might be more bothered about going out than who has her baby, she might be being forced into it by her husband. There could be any number of reasons.

I had our first son by emergency section and was adamant I wasn't having any more children and I didn't love him until day 3 as I thought he was going to die and thought it would hurt too much to love him and then lose him.

8 years later I am still on AD's but have had 2 more children and don't worry about those 3 days as I love him so much now I sometimes hurt.

her behaviour sounds to me pretty normal and typical of someone traumatised by her birth

including excessive discussion of the birth, seeming lack of bond with the baby, are two such indicators

YANBU to be concerned and perhaps you could point her in the direction of Birth trauma association , birth crisis or a birth afterthoughts service /debrief at the hospital she delivered at

Well done Lulu and Fab.

Depressing the way everyone else has got bored now there's clearly nothing to criticise...why does that happen? An OP comes across slightly unintentional for some reason and people are so eager to jump on the bandwagon and lynch the person who posted. But if there's no actual slight intended they have NOTHING useful to say.

Nice one Mumsnet.

OP I agree with lulu that she might benefit from a bit of counselling...sounds as though she is benefiting from speaking to you about the birth, which is great if you are able to sustain your listening

I hope she manages to sort out what she is going through.

Thank you to those who have given good advice. Lulumama I will forward that info to her, thank you.

Flightattendant, I can't agree more with what you've just said. Funny how that turns out isn't it? Thank you for your advice.

Some people are just a little more chilled out and lax about who they leave their kids with. I am really funny about it and only ever leave my dd (now 5 with my mum, her other nan or my aunt). But now she's at school I have relaxed a little and we have a lovely teenage girl babtsitter who comes once a month or so.

I WISH I could have been less paranoid about childcare. This lady is probably have problems coping and a friendly neighbour offers and she snaps at the chance. Why is that so very odd? How do you know how well she knows her neighbour? Perhaps the neighbour has children/grandchildren who she often looks after too..

Why do we always assume that anyone we do not know very well or for very long is a axe mudering child abuser. As for limited chilcare experience, most of us have limited childcare experience when we have our first! What about very young mums say 14 or 15, with no support.. they make good mums too. You don't need experience and qualifications to look after a baby for a few hours.

OP why don't you offer to help your friend out if you think she may have pnd or be struggling. Then you can babysit and not have to worry about the potentially untrustwirthy neighbour.

I disagree Cat.

Count the number of times the word 'sniffy' appears on this page.

People were at times offering valid questions and opinions but much of the general slant was 'are you sure you're not being really mean about your friend, or working mothers, or mothers who dare to have a social life or birth interventions/pain relief'

There was a tangible searching for negative intentions which some of us managed to see beyond and answer the OP genuinely.

It was almost more a question of semantics for the sake of argument than of real efforts to understand the actual issue.

i think it depends on how she is when with child i remember for first few months feeling physically sick at thought of ever giving birth again

also i was very relaxed with who had ds never left him for night out but would happily let anyone hold him etc i felt so proud of him and wanted everyone else to love him as much as i did

my mum had him for the weekend at 3 mths my sis would never let anyone hold her child and we all found this upsetting to not bond with him i really didnt want to be the same it didnt mean i didnt love or hadnt bonded he was my life from the minute he was laid on me well before he was born i just felt relaxed and maybe seeing how hurt we all were to not have bonded with my sis boy i really didnt want to be the same family wanted to love him also well i had no problem with that

my friend would regularly watch him also whilst i went to have hair cut etc i just didnt feel the need to be over protective i dont know why were all made differently i was opposite to my sis i dont regret it as family have such a greater bond with my ds

also at a family wedding he was hogged by many people i didnt know who wanted to cuddle him i was pleased he was being taken notice of and felt i trusted the enough looking back now maybe it was more needing the break from sleepless nights constant demands but not in a horrible i dont want him way but it ive got 5 mins to myself lol

now his 4 and his my best mate and his got such a bond with family members as they all have there own precious moments without me breathing down there neck and they are over the moon to have had the trust from me

now i really hate leaving him lol i miss him too much

SOunds to me like the birth experience has affected her bonding with the baby maybe. Or she has PND?

I was welded to DS#1 for the first 6m iirc.

Uh-oh. I see it went a bit Pete Tong.

'doesn't know the neighbour that well' could mean anything.What do you call knowing someone well?
Some of my neighbours I don't know that WELL but have known them for 35 years including DS's teacher our GP a nice mum next door who i exchange small talk with over the fence.I would happily leave my DC with any of them and many others (if only the bu**ers would offer !)

So her husband is happy for the baby to be left with the nieghbour too? So not just the mother who may/may not be having problems, the baby's father thinks this is fine too.

Which would indicate to me that it's probably fine.

The baby is nearly 3 months so not a newborn. FWIW I would say of my neighbours that i don't know them very well, as in we are not friends. But I know them well enough to know that they are resonsible and kind and would be happy to have them babysit.

The talking about the birth a lot thing - she is obviously traumatised - as so many women are after birth. i can still go on 2 years later if prompted. She needs someone to listen and if it is bad/she needs more help, there are organisations. Some hospitals do a "debrief" as well if people feel they need it.

Her comment of " I'll happily leave him with anyone, I don't mind" could be a nervous defense mechanism thing once she sees the look of disbelief on your face.

I remember joking about such things when DS was young because even when DS was a baby I enjoyed getting a little bit of time away from him and provided the person looking after him was someone I trusted I wasn't overly bothered about their previous child care experience. I babysat for my friends pre DS and her DH had to write me a flow chart about what I should do if their DD cried.

The way I see it some mothers do feel comfortable leaving their DCs with another person and some don't. Fair enough we are all different, but making it into some sort of virtue that you can never ever be separated from your child seems to take it too far for me.

Oh and as for the talking about birth thing, isn't that what all new mums do. I seem to remember myself and my baby group boring for Britain on the subject, thought it was par for the course.

Cat, I see what you mean about the word 'miffed' but I think from the context it may have been used incongruously

maybe worried would have been better. But I see what you mean.

I think that you are misconstruing the object of miffedness being her getting a break though. I think it was more the leaving with anyone scenario.

She sounds like a colleague of mine - who says she will happily leave her son with anyone/sell him on ebay etc. She is not entirely joking. I know she struggled during the early days (another colleague's mother knows her mother well, and described her as having been "very ill" which I suppose implies PND).

Her son cries a lot and is very clingy and needy - very like my DS was. I hope I am helping her by just talking about it, and agreeing that yes, it is very draining when you can't even get your coat off when you get through the door because he won't let you put him down, yes, it is exhausting when they are waking in the night when you are back at work etc.