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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to send the parents who havent replied to party invitation a stroppy note?!

52 replies

meerkatsandkookaburras · 11/11/2009 07:39

my ds is having a birthday party on sunday and as yet we have only had 7 replies out of 25 handed out. he is only going to be 4 and at preschool so the staff hand them to parents so kids cant be blamed for loosing them. am i unreasonable if i ask staff to pass to the parents that havnt replied a note saying
"dear .....'s family,
we have invited your child to my sons birthday party on sunday at ...... but have yet not recived a reply. we have in total invited 15 children and only recieved replies from 7 so as you can imagine i am uncertain how many children to cater for and dont want to be paying for children who have no intention of coming. please can you let me know if you child will be coming by calling or texting me on ...... or asking the staff at preschool to let me know by the end of friday so i can make the preparations etc in time for sunday
thanks very much
jenny (...'s mum)

OP posts:
seeker · 11/11/2009 07:44

I wouldn't be stroppy. Could you not just send a note saying It would be really helpful if you could tell me whether x is able to come to ys party on Saturday because I've got to confirm numbers with the venue. Y is so hoping he can come."

You're going to be with these people for years and years - you want to make them feel a bit guilty for forgetting, not huffy!

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 11/11/2009 07:44

YABU
that note makes you look bonkers. Do you have to pay in advance? If so, write another note nicely reminding people that you have to book by X date so you'll book for the chiuldren whose parents have replied by then. If you send a snotty note you'll get a reputation for being an annoying cow.

Pheebe · 11/11/2009 07:46

Ouch, yes YABVU, you cannot 'force' people to reply. Sending a note like that will only serve to make you look a bit odd and controlling.

As far as catering goes what do they need at this age - a mini-sausage or 2, a sandwich, a cake and a few crisps. Left-overs can be easily hoovered up by adults.

Chill out, plan for the majority to turn up and enjoy your sons birthday.

Original poster
meerkatsandkookaburras · 11/11/2009 07:48

perhaps, however some of these parents have made great efforts to aoid me since th invitations were sent out and even told the staff they dont know if their kids will be going will see on the day, which i just find really rude!!
plus, ds has autism and is struggling at preschool so were actually going through the statementing process now so he might not even be there for that much longer so not too fussed to a certain extent what they think as if he doesnt get statemented he wont be goig to the same school as their kids anyway.
im just so annoyed and maybe im just being stroppy but we paid to privately hire the soft play as ds will cope with that better and are doing our own food as i wanted to make sure there was enough variety of healthy stuff too and stuff ds likes - hes rather fussy!! so its costing us an absolute fortune and id just like to know if im expecting 25 or 5 - 2 of the replies were no's!!
i am being unreasonably moody arent i, time of month i think!!

OP posts:
GColdtimer · 11/11/2009 07:52

Write the note you really, really want to write. Then rip it up and write a reasonable one .

Lizzylou · 11/11/2009 07:52

I can understand your frustration, honestly, but you can't send a stroppy note.
Could you speak to the Preschool staff and see if they know anything? Sometimes parents will tell the staff and not the parent Or ask the parents (nicely) yourself?
Now DS1 is older and the parties he goes to are smaller we tend to get a "RSVP by such and such date" on the bottom as numbers are limited.

seeker · 11/11/2009 08:11

You aren't unreasonable to write a note - you ARE unreasonable to write THAT note!

I think you might just be over thinking the 'people going out of their way to avoid you" thing - it does sound a bit unlikely!

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 11/11/2009 08:27

So you have hired the place anyway? Doesn't make a difference how many turn up? Then chill out, buy some snacks, you will never get the full 25 anyway, aim for ten, and if you get 6 that's a result.

happystory · 11/11/2009 08:37

I am a little bit that you think it's the job of the preschool staff to sort out the inviting and replying to your ds's party. They have enough to do! If you do drop off and/or pick up can't you just buttonhole the parents and say 'Sorry, I really need to know by Friday cos of numbers?' People have stuff going on in their lives, they may have just forgotten...

brimfull · 11/11/2009 08:39

if you send that note they won't come

diddl · 11/11/2009 08:39

I do think it´s rude of parents not to reply.
By this stage, though I would be assuming that no reply méans they are not coming, tbh.
I do think YABU to ask staff to hand out 25 invitations!

kreecherlivesupstairs · 11/11/2009 08:40

I don't think you are being unreasonable. I am the woman who turned children away from dd's 5th party because they hadn't replied.

CoteDAzur · 11/11/2009 08:42

Don't send that note. It makes you look like a nut. Your DS is only 4. You really shouldn't be getting so worked up about this.

Don't you know these parents? Send them an SMS asking them if they will come. Short & sweet, like " Will you make it to DS' party? Please let me know".

And YABU to expect preschool staff to take care of your invites & their replies.

GooseyLoosey · 11/11/2009 08:45

I understand your frustration - but you really can't send that note. It will get everyone's backs up.

I would just lurk and see if I could find any to ask "Oh by the way, just wondered if you were coming".

For dd's 5th birthday, 5 of the 14 invitees responded the day beforehand despite having had the invite 6 weeks in advance (party at end of summer hols). I had just assumed that none were coming and it was a real pain. However, as she is friends with their children, I just plastered a smile on and dealt with it.

2rebecca · 11/11/2009 10:43

It might be the kids haven't handed the note to their mums. My daughter always handed notes in when younger but son would often produce a note days after being given it.
Now they're older and with smaller groups I often contact the parents if no reply.
Agree re doing food that you can eat at a later date if not all eaten. When young they didn't usually eat much anyway.

deepdarkwood · 11/11/2009 10:53

ROFL - only send that note is you
a) want all the remaining children not to come
b) want to be known as 'that mad bint' by all & sundry for the next 5 years

Out of the 8 people:

  • 3 are very disoprganised, and haven't got round to replying - you are vaguely on their to do list
  • 1 has had a major disaster of some sort in the last few days - 4yo parties are the least of her worries
  • 2 have lost the invite and forgotten all about it
  • 2 routinely don't reply to invites and are a complete PITA

YANBU to be pissed off. It is fecking annoying. BUT a simple reminder is all you need. Personally, I think expecting the preschool staff to do it is a bit much (& probably partly explains the low hit rate - just feels less personal). Ideally text, or if you don't know numbers catch the parents at pick-up/drop off time: "Is littleJonny coming on Sunday - great/shame" Done.

treedelivery · 11/11/2009 10:56

You can't send that note - as much as you want too.

After all, it isn't the individual parents fault that loads others haven't replied either. If it was just one parent you wouldn't send a note like that, so....

Some didn't reply to ours either, I assumed they weren't coming. Which they didn't.

It's all about ds having a nice time, so suck it up and keep it sweet for him.
I wouldn't involve the preschool. It isn't their job and puts pressure on them to remember and get it right and so on. For all you know some may have told preschool and they forgot to pass it on.

It is rude not to reply, but these things aren't as important to everyone. It is also not a dinner party, as a child I had none of these goings on. Few mates round for tea and that was your lot.

Have a lovely party, I bet he has a blast.

dilemma456 · 11/11/2009 11:08

Message withdrawn

Original poster
meerkatsandkookaburras · 11/11/2009 11:17

just to clarify, the staff prefer it to be done the way where they hand out the invites for you so the kids dont loose them etc, they hand them to parents when they hand over th children, everyone else seems to do it with no problems, the staff also asked me if i wanted them to ask soem of the parents as i dont know them let alone their numbers to ask if their child is coming or not. also its not 8 im waiting for replies from, that i would consider maybe closer to normal lack of responses, i have sent out 25 invites of which have only had 8 replies!! maybe i am being unreasonable but surely only a third of people having the manners to reply is just rude

OP posts:
pigletmania · 11/11/2009 11:32

YANBU to be annoyed, but VU to sent that note which will put people off. I have made a conscious decision not to have those sorts of parties until dd starts proper school and makes friends which she hasent at the moment, she is only 2.8 years and has no interest at the moment in making friends, she just goes to pre school to play and learn social skills and comes back again. When she is old enough like at school, i am going to ask her if she wants a party and about 5-7 friends she wants to be there, not the whole class of 25 no way no thank you!

crokky · 11/11/2009 11:42

I am not surprised you are annoyed.

But, you can't send that note! If people cannot be bothered to reply in the first place, they will not be receptive to a stroppy note, they will just gossip about you.

If I was in your position (my son has ASD as well, so I can understand where you are coming from with lots of the stuff you are saying, about food etc), I would go ahead with the softplay (presuming this is a flat fee, rather than per child) and go ahead with a fair bit of food that you were going to make.

If only 5 kids turn up, they will still have loads of fun and 5 presents from friends will be fab. If more turn up, fine, if not, it will still be fine. Worst case scenerio = some wasted food.

My DS is 3.8 so I haven't had to do a proper party for him yet. Previously, I've had the grandparents and DD and a piece of cake and he has loved it. I'm sort of dreading a birthday party!

Just remember that getting stroppy with parents (however badly they have behaved) will not benefit your DS in any way.

SlartyBartFast · 11/11/2009 11:47

i bet they all turn up.

Seededbiatch · 11/11/2009 11:48

YABU. People will think you're a nut if you write a note telling them off and they'll not send their kids on purpose then.

In my experience very few people bother to respond but most turn up.

Kids at parties don't want much to eat but they do get thirsty because they run around like loonies.

Cater for the 25. Even if you end up with some leftover sausage rolls and jam tarts it won't be the end of the world.

Relax he's only 4, you've many more parties to get through.

pagwatch · 11/11/2009 11:50

YANBU to be annoyed but YABU to send that note.

I have a son aged 16 now. You may as well accept now that people are staggeringly rude.

You have to phrase invitations in order to try and push people to reply - as in " we have to confirm numbers by the 13th so please could you let me know by then" and it helps if you can master the jolly slightly absent minded manner of chasing up
" I am so sorry, I can't remember if you said that little Timmy is able to make the party or not. I have a list of replies somewhere and i can't seem to find it this morning..."

People are rude. You will get used to it.
Don't be surprised if some ofthe people who haven't replied bring siblings who were not invited and ask for an extra party bag

Also keep this for the future occasion when you forget to reply. Or reply and forget to go. Or reply and get the date wrong. Or don't reply but clearly remember (wrongly) that you did reply and then die of emabressment when the host mentions that they were not expecting you.

shockers · 11/11/2009 12:00

I think twofalls suggestion is excellent!