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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to send the parents who havent replied to party invitation a stroppy note?!

52 replies

meerkatsandkookaburras · 11/11/2009 07:39

my ds is having a birthday party on sunday and as yet we have only had 7 replies out of 25 handed out. he is only going to be 4 and at preschool so the staff hand them to parents so kids cant be blamed for loosing them. am i unreasonable if i ask staff to pass to the parents that havnt replied a note saying
"dear .....'s family,
we have invited your child to my sons birthday party on sunday at ...... but have yet not recived a reply. we have in total invited 15 children and only recieved replies from 7 so as you can imagine i am uncertain how many children to cater for and dont want to be paying for children who have no intention of coming. please can you let me know if you child will be coming by calling or texting me on ...... or asking the staff at preschool to let me know by the end of friday so i can make the preparations etc in time for sunday
thanks very much
jenny (...'s mum)

OP posts:
jellyhead · 11/11/2009 12:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

stealthsquiggle · 11/11/2009 12:07

Throw yourself upon the mercy of the preschool staff. Give them a list and ask really nicely if they could chase. Nursery/preschool is the worst bit for this - once they get to school with fixed dropoff/ pickup times you get more of a chance to see people and chase them in person.

Don't send the note, at least not phrased that way, although I completely understand the temptation.

ChildOfThe70s · 11/11/2009 12:08

Sorry if this is stating the obvious but can't you just TALK to the parents at the nursery gates and ask if they are coming or not?? I do understand your frustration, I have had this myself before - although at our school the mums tend to organise contact lists of every parent at the beginning of each new year - makes it much easier when arranging this sort of thing! Maybe you can suggest that to the staff? Hope it all goes well in the end.

Earlybird · 11/11/2009 12:09

No, no, no. Don't send that note. Definitely OK to send a reminder/request for RSVPs, but use humour to nudge people into action.

Here's one sent by a parent in dd's class:

'Since each of the girls attending is going home with a pony, I really need to know the exact count. What would I do with 3 or 4 extra ponies? Let me know when you can.'

The point was (nicely) made, and everyone laughed. It's a party, not a Board Meeting or Court Appointment, so keep it light.

IMO.

treedelivery · 11/11/2009 12:54

at Pagwatch. So true. I replied once and forgot to go DD only got about 4 invites her whole time at preschool so you can imagine how I felt.
It was at soft play where is is £10 a head - so I sent grovelling apology, blamed pregnancy and put £10 in envelope to cover her lost child. Plus the pressi. Lady gave money back [via preschool] and said she totally understood. I then panicked I had ofended her and went for a lie down.

It's a minefield!!

Earlybird - fab.

verytellytubby · 11/11/2009 13:52

I always text as soon as I get the invite otherwise I forget and with 3 kids they have millions of invites.

I don't understand why you can't go round with your list at drop off/collection and chase them up. I always send a text to those who haven't replied.

Rubyrubyruby · 11/11/2009 13:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mumto3boys · 11/11/2009 14:06

We also have a party sunday. We invited 12 children with a month's notice but by last week had 2 not reply. So I sent notes in that read 'please can you let me know if X will be attending twin 1 & twin2's party on 15th nov as I have to confirm numbers by monday. Please call / text on ....

By 3.30pm one dad had text and accepted. Still nothing from the other one so have confirmed without including her. I had to pay upfront per child so had no choice really.

I think it's very rude, but have come to learn that some people are. They don't take into consideration that you are planning and paying for this party, it's not just turn up if you feel like it.

But YABU with that note. Some parents don't realise you actually have to reply. Just a quick note saying please can you let me know as I have to confirm numbers will do.

Remember, if they DO come and you hace been stroppy, it may be awkward!

BetsyBoop · 11/11/2009 18:30

I've just sent invitations out for DD first "proper" party (she'll be 4) at Nursery today. As our Nursery does drop off from 08:00 & collection up to 17:30 with normal sessions 9-12 & 1-4 with the option to stay/come early for lunch, there are at least 5 kids parents I have never clapped eyes on, so I'm hoping they have the manners to reply....

what a mine field...

pointydogg · 11/11/2009 18:41

This is one of the main reasons to stop having large parties.

Only invite a few close friends because they always reply.

TeamAlesha · 11/11/2009 18:44

If you send the note you will be the main topic of conversation - for all the wrong reasons!

Just ask the parents when you see them.

spicybingowings · 11/11/2009 19:00

It was DD2's very first party on Saturday - she is 4 - I sent 20 invitations to nursery and got 14 replies, one of the kids who had accepted didn't turn up and another of the kids who hadn't replied at all did turn up. Worked out ok numbers wise, but I was still a bit at the parents.

DD1's party in the summer, 3 parents didn't reply at all and 1 mum rang me 20 minutes before the party to let me know that her daughter was coming!!

But to get to the point, YANBU to be a p'd off but you would BVVU to send that particular note!!

Also at Kreecher!!

lovechoc · 11/11/2009 19:13

that's a ridiculous thing to do, sorry. It just makes it look like you've nothing better to do with you life if all it revolves around is party invites.

I wouldn't get so upset over it, it's just a party.

At the end of the day, people have many things to juggle in their stretched lives as it is, a party is the last thing on their minds. Plus there's the fact you have to bring a present. Get a party outfit etc. it's not cheap at this time of year. or any time really, for that matter...

YABVU

MillyMollyMoo · 11/11/2009 19:16

This happened to me and only 7 out of 30 invited turned up and I had to pay for the empty spaces and was in tears, so definitely phone them/chase them/hunt them down and note the rude fuckers that will not be invited next year.

lovechoc · 11/11/2009 19:17

I agree wholeheartedly with pointy. Don't invite so many kids, then you won't have to get so stressed out. It's your own fault if you make a rod for your own back. If you stick to close friends and family, that kind of thing is less likely to happen.
Some folk just like making life difficult for themselves.

Also the advantage of having the party at your own house means that you don't have to 'pay' for things at a certain establishment like a hired hall or play centre.

zebramummy · 11/11/2009 20:01

my sister's dd went to a birthday party once - out of a class of 30 she was the ONLY one who turned up (and they were in the process of emigrating anyway!). it was really very tragic - the mum had cooked LOADS of food and laid it all out but it all felt v awkward indeed

girlsyearapart · 11/11/2009 20:15

Zebra- poor them! bet they were glad they were emigrating after that..

FanjolinaJolie · 11/11/2009 20:15

Of course it's rude for the parents not to reply.

We've had this over and over again. Unfortunately you will too.

Cater for half the numbers and have extra crisps and biscuits that you can just open up if you need to or take home if left-over.

I wouldn't write a note, personally. Those people know they haven't replied and they probably won't reply to the note either. That's just the rude way they are (unfortunately for you)

One of the non-repliers turned up to DD's party last month and brought an older sister too! I was astounded because I assumed a non-reply was a 'no'. And flapped about trying to make space at the table and magic up extra cupcakes etc so that the big sister didn't feel unwanted. Honestly.

zebramummy · 11/11/2009 20:44

you know, i've had it with kids' birthday parties and ds has not even started reception yet! i think they are lovely during the baby years but i would be too stressed out by all that mass rudeness and not enjoy it at all in the end. i never did one for his 4th and i don't regret it as most of our friends had moved away and ds had no cousins around.

i honestly don't believe that people could simply not reply - i mean surely these people could competently hold down a job for their own financial needs so it follows that they could at least give a simple yes or no to a question that is pretty important from our point of view as the hosts. my friends ds attends a rural school and all the children in the class attend all the birthday parties unless they are physically not around - it is simple, no politics involved- sometimes paper invitations are not even needed as the parents stick up the details on the noticeboard which (you have guessed it) all the parents do bother to regularly inspect.

when it gets this complicated i honestly wonder if it is worth it?

Prunerz · 11/11/2009 21:04

I once didn't reply because I lost the invitation; the teacher had given them out so I didn't know who the mother was, and I had not registered the date, and was dismayed to find when I asked another parent that the party had already happened. It's DS's first term at school and I know few of the parents because, frankly, they are a pretty unfriendly bunch and nearly nobody has even said hello to me.

I manage a job quite well but totally slipped up on this one invitation. Because I know I'm generally a thoughtful person - at least averagely so - and not deliberately unpleasant, I am not going to spit too much bile when it happens to me in a few weeks' time.

AllarmBells · 11/11/2009 21:35

I agree with stealthsquiggle - beg politely ask the nursery staff to remind the parents. That's what we did for my DD's 4th birthday when we invited her nursery friends. Most of the kids did 8am - 3:30pm, but DD was there from 1 till 6, so I didn't ever see most of the parents.
It was 8 kids at a soft play, but they only charge for who turns up, which is good. Even then we still had one that said they would come but didn't, and a few with no response. They have a terrible habit round here of not answering and not turning up either, it is soooo rude
But don't worry too much...birthday parties are so worrying for parents, but they can't really go wrong for the kids. (Apart from zebramummy's sad tale )
Stay chilled out, and enjoy the day, I'm sure your DS will

muminthemiddle · 11/11/2009 22:54

Agree with the others, it is a nightmare!!!!

At ds party last year there were specific number limits (due to safety).

I specifically stated on the invite to reply by text/tel by such and such date as only those who did would be booked a place. Added to this as ds was in juniors and had been with the same kids in 1 class since pre-school I know all the parents pretty well.
However 6 people did not reply so I assumed they were not coming and invited a couple of extra guests only to find all 6 turned up 1 along with uninvited brother!!!!!!

Nightmare. Next time I have told him no party only 1 friend and I will take them where-ever they want to go!

Only advice I can give is have a stiff drink before hand and try to enjoy iy.

babbi · 12/11/2009 11:06

I hope that you are not the mum called Jenny that I have been trying to reply to for over a week ! If so your answer phone is not accepting any more messages and the phone is ringing out constantly !
Also I cannot text a reply to the mobile no on the original invite as it is a digit short !
I am a bit stressed trying to let you know that DD WILL attend !

FabIsJustSoBusy · 12/11/2009 11:20

blinking heck!

barbarianoftheuniverse · 12/11/2009 11:35

We missed more than one party either because I didn't frisk dcs as well as I should have done. Also I have never managed to source a school bag that does not vaporise paperwork and replace it with pencil sharpenings. Your potential guests may suffer from the same problem, and so might your ds one day. So do not send the note.

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