to be annoyed with my colleague's viewpoint towards myself and dh, all because we're non drivers?

[onthepier]

I work part-time, and a colleague on the same bank of desks as me feels she has the right to comment on every aspect of my lifestyle in front of the others! I'll explain, myself and dh are non-drivers, he passed his driving test in his late teens with no problem, (he's just turned forty now!), but has never wanted to drive since.

I'm dyspraxic although I don't make it public, have spent a lot on driving lessons in the past and found it came so unnaturally to me that I stopped. Even my last driving examiner, (I've taken several tests!), told me that with the best will in the world, I just haven't got the natural co-ordination skills that come easily to a lot of learner drivers.

Anyway, years on, we have two school age children, live in a lovely central area, in walking distance from our work and school, and are very close to any public transport we need to take. There are two very reliable taxi firms we use a lot so we manage fine without a car. We're lucky to both be fairly high earners so paying for taxis/public transport is no problem at all, considering we don't pay out for a car! Both mine and dh's family live over 100 miles away and we vist both sets by train every few months, and in between they come to us, the travelling for us is no problem at all. When we go on holiday we taxi to the airport/ferry terminal and back, we've done it for years although some people just assume it would be impossible for us to go abroad!

Anyway, my colleague always buts into any conversations, with comments to me like, "However do you food shop every week?/I can't understand you having done most of your Xmas shopping, a bit limited where you can go aren't you?/I suppose you can't even nip into town unless somebody's free to give you a lift/Your kids must miss out on parties, clubs, everything/I just can't believe a man of your dh's age can't drive!"

I'm finding her comments irritating and patronising, I've tried saying we're happy with our lifestyle thanks very much, but she just shakes her head and carries on! I don't like the fact she says this in front of the others, why can't we live our life as we wish without this prejudice? I've had it from other people in the past too, my dh is better at ignoring it though!

If anything our children do more than most, and it's not unusual for me to ferry their friends around by public transport too, which they seem to love!

Oops, clearly I wouldn't, as I can't even spell the word - psychologist!

We are carless as well and have to put up with friends and relatives doing the 'I dont know how you cope' speech..well we live in London and we use the public transport and shock horror we walk as well...

I love the Amish response - am going to use that on the next stranger/schoolgate parent who asks...

OP - just tell your workmate that you really are sick of hearing about this particular issue and could you move onto something else...

we live in London and go car free too, just not worth the hassle and expense, we rent out out parking space, gold dust here.

we occasionally hire a car for a holiday or to drive to relatives in the North , otherwise it is walking, bike, buses and trains with the occasional lift from mates it suits us fine

onthepier - me and DW are like both you and your husband. I learned to drive at 17 and hated it so much because I just never felt comfortable doing it - maybe I am Dyspraxic as I get lost a lot on foot. I never bothered to drive and gave back my licence a few years back. DW has Meniers disease which makes her fall over unexpectedly and it is extremely dangerous for her to drive.

We do exactly as you do. Just live close to everything we need and walk, take the bus or occassional taxi, trains to visit parents and PILs and planes on holiday. We shop for groceries online as well as other bulky stuff and have it delivered. We shop for pleasure by walking to the town centre nearby or taking a short train to the next city.

We save money by not having a car but never rely on others for transport. No one can understand how we live without a car but as you know it is quite possible to not be welded to a steel box at the hip and have a nice life.

We also get those 'how do you manage?' questions. Also as UQD says, occassionally get that slightly condescending 'can you be a real man without a car? question too. Well I don't need to go out to work and I have my own driver is my usual put down (not quite true but it suffices). I like what slug said as well. It is true. I am fit and weigh the same as 25 years ago by walking everywhere. I can drink alcohol whenever and however I want to without worrying about being over the limit. Loads of benefits.

Your colleague needs to get a life and if more people were like you and me and others on here who do not drive life for everyone would be a lot better. I suspect she is jealous or feels threatened by your unconventional life. What I do know is that I am not going t be one of thse old people who stil drive at 75, still reliant on the car and dangerous to everyone else.

Not that I have anything at all against car drivers.

A polite (ish) way of dealing with the colleagues silly comments, is to say, "I do sometimes get these kind of remarks and I just tell people to mind their own business."

Someone used this on me once, when I asked an intrusive question, and I still cringe inwardly at the memory, as somehow it totally puts the questioner down, without actually being directly rude.

YANBU. I must admit I drive a car and do sometimes wonder how I ever managed without one. Lived in a village for 2 years without 1. My parents never drove and we coped fine. Although 1 man once said to my mum that my late Dad must have been a terrible man as he never provided a car and home for his family!

Thanks for all your posts, didn't expect so many! It is interesting to hear the points of views of drivers versus non-drivers. As a family, we do get quite a lot of comments and questions about not owning a car, but I haven't yet come across somebody so anti non-drivers as this colleague of mine!

In answer to your posts, I must admit I get on well with most people, but I do find the more forceful types difficult. Like with this colleague, I had no problem asserting myself over the non-driving issue the first few times she commented, but I do have problems consistently standing up to her day after day. She can obviously spot that she makes me uncomfortable and I'm annoyed at myself for that, as I genuinely don't have any issues with not driving as we manage fine!

I'm wondering myself if she has any other issues with me, people tend to approach me for help more than her, if they need information about work that's going on in her section. We often go back on a Monday and she complains about "another boring weekend", whereas our weekends seem so full that it's Monday before I know it!

Oh and she has asked me before why I never seem to be in a bad mood at work whereas she often is! This was said quite patronisingly too. I don't know, I think she's just difficult and I must find a way to stop being her target. She doesn't tend to treat other people like this, although mind you, she doesn't have much to do with them!

yanbu

I dont drive - had 3 tests at 17/18, failed them all. I find the skill of driving very difficult, mainly because my spatial awareness is crap. I cannot tell how close I am to other cars, kerb etc when I'm driving. If I made a huge effort I probably could pass my test, but tbh its never been essential that I drive. There have been times when it would have been helpful, or useful, but I've never been in a situation where it has been essential.

I have found that when people find out I cant drive their initial reaction is usually one of horror - either a) how could I possibly cope without a car? or b) how is it that as an Oxbridge graduate, with various professional qualifications, I cant drive.

Have had to explain on many occasions that being without a car, if you live in the suburbs like I do is really no big deal! And that being clever doesnt automatically mean you can drive!

Choccy - that is a FANTASTIC response.

Thank you for sharing an unpleasant memory so that the rest of us can benefit.

Thnking about this a it more, I suspect this womanactually dislikes driving and has to commute to work as she lives a long way out of town. She probably finds it very stressful and therefore is envious of the nice life you have and the money you have that allows you to live close to work in town.

Sometimes people project their unhappness on others in the form of belittleing and bullying behaviour. I suggest you take her aside and talk to her calmly and in a friendly way and say directly that you want her to stop as you find it upsetting.

I don't drive.

I didn't want to learn when I turned 17 as I was an ardent environmentalist and had a boyfriend who could drive. Then I simply found it too expensive!
I have been learning as i live in the country and public transport sucks here. I do hope to pass my test and get a car but I don't blame you for not wanting to drive. S blinking expensive and makes people lazy.

yanbu

What a miserable person she sounds!

Perhaps you could answer her most of the time with something along the lines of "why? What's your problem?"

YANBU. If she gives you the "I don't know how you cope" line again, you could tell her that obviously some people cope better with different situations than others and that you're so lucky that you're one of them.

Or, everytime she starts up, interrupt her with a very loud and obvious yawn.

Silly tart.

We have two cars mainly because we are self employed and have to be in all different places for work.
But when I worked on a bus route I had no car. At weekends I walk to the shops as our local shops will all deliver. I like to take the bus into town if I've any clothes/presents/xmas shopping to do as its a lot less hassle than driving in and trying to park.
We take turns walking the children to school/nursery each day then run home and jump in the car! Its less hassle than getting them in the car, trying to park near school, then turning round and going a back the way we just came, in among a load of other mums rushing to work.
When we go on holiday we never hire a car, we just do local stuff or take the local public transport.
If we both took 'fixed location' jobs we would absolutely live a car free existence.

Next time your colleague says any of her comments, just give her the blank stare look. You just stare at her for a while till she starts to feel uncomfortable, then as you take your eyes off her, shake your head very slowly with a slightly puzzled expression on your face.

Works every time for me when I'm dealing with twerps!

Thanks Flibbertyjibbet, the blank stare look sounds very effective! I do need to respond to her differently without feeling I need to justify myself, (which I don't of course)!

I can think of an example years ago when friends of ours had sold their house but their new one wasn't going to be ready for ages so my friend, her dh and baby lived with her parents in their small house, for a whole winter. I mentioned in conversation that I didn't know how they coped, not having their own space. She just snapped, "Yes well that's just the way it is at the moment!", and stormed off. She did apologise later, and said it was about the 10th time she'd heard that comment in a week and mine was the last straw. I never commented again, wouldn't have dared!

I obviously need to give a similar response to my colleague about the driving issue!

Buy her a pack of toy cars, place them on her desk and say sorry, but due the fact that you were limited as to where you could go, that's the only xmas pressie you could find. Then give her the