to be annoyed with my colleague's viewpoint towards myself and dh, all because we're non drivers?

[onthepier]

I work part-time, and a colleague on the same bank of desks as me feels she has the right to comment on every aspect of my lifestyle in front of the others! I'll explain, myself and dh are non-drivers, he passed his driving test in his late teens with no problem, (he's just turned forty now!), but has never wanted to drive since.

I'm dyspraxic although I don't make it public, have spent a lot on driving lessons in the past and found it came so unnaturally to me that I stopped. Even my last driving examiner, (I've taken several tests!), told me that with the best will in the world, I just haven't got the natural co-ordination skills that come easily to a lot of learner drivers.

Anyway, years on, we have two school age children, live in a lovely central area, in walking distance from our work and school, and are very close to any public transport we need to take. There are two very reliable taxi firms we use a lot so we manage fine without a car. We're lucky to both be fairly high earners so paying for taxis/public transport is no problem at all, considering we don't pay out for a car! Both mine and dh's family live over 100 miles away and we vist both sets by train every few months, and in between they come to us, the travelling for us is no problem at all. When we go on holiday we taxi to the airport/ferry terminal and back, we've done it for years although some people just assume it would be impossible for us to go abroad!

Anyway, my colleague always buts into any conversations, with comments to me like, "However do you food shop every week?/I can't understand you having done most of your Xmas shopping, a bit limited where you can go aren't you?/I suppose you can't even nip into town unless somebody's free to give you a lift/Your kids must miss out on parties, clubs, everything/I just can't believe a man of your dh's age can't drive!"

I'm finding her comments irritating and patronising, I've tried saying we're happy with our lifestyle thanks very much, but she just shakes her head and carries on! I don't like the fact she says this in front of the others, why can't we live our life as we wish without this prejudice? I've had it from other people in the past too, my dh is better at ignoring it though!

If anything our children do more than most, and it's not unusual for me to ferry their friends around by public transport too, which they seem to love!

I like that one, EndangeredSpecies! Recently my dh phoned up for me at work and one of the others (who he hasn't met), took a message. When I got back from lunch she said "Oh I took a message from your dh for you, he sounded completely different from how I expected, I would have expected him to sound really meek", Now one thing my dh isn't is MEEK!

I don't know whether that's because this group know me as being "quiet", or assume that a non-driving male can't be "manly", I assume it's the latter unfortunately!

dp is epileptic so can't learn to drive safely, and I've never dared try learn to drive but think I might well face the same problems as OP. My mum pointed out to us that even the cheapest car would probably cost upwards of £100/week, and we just don't have that money. The occasional taxi when needed is a lot less than that.

Your colleague sounds nasty and pathetic to me.

I learned to get about very well by public transport from an early age though my family did have a car, and I think it would be great if your kids are able to do that - from your description they should be able to.

You obviously don't really feel there's an issue about the car - what is her issue?

The sensible policy - ignore her.

If you really can't stand it any longer, how about asking how she can stand to depend on other people? Or how you value your independence?

SPB, you don't live in a big city or a town centre, do you? And I can't imagine that you'd say what this horrible colleague does to those you work with.

no, I got the bus to work once and it was over an hour & 2 buses for a 15 min drive! and i've heard it's worse now!
there was someone at work who doesn't drive & i was guilty of the how do you cope questions, both getting there, and lugging stuff round!!

YANBU. I absolutely love cars, and driving, as does DH, but would never think someone was weird because they were organised enough to manage their lives without one!

She sounds like one of those office irritants who just gets one idea about each person fixed in their heads, and chews on it incessantly, because she knows it makes you feel awkward. You're 'the non-driver'. Is someone else 'the recently divorced singleton' and someone else 'the career girl who's leaving it late to have kids'? Ignore her.

I always find it amazing how some car drivers just can't seem to think beyond their car and how to get places without it.

I don't drive as I cannot see (don't think even the most hardened car drive would challenge that one! ) and I always find it amazing how people can't see how you can possibly have a life by catching busses/taxis etc.

Probably because quite a few of my friends are car-free too, I sort of forget how car-obsessed some people are. While I think it's perfectly reasonable to drive and own a car if you live in the country or you (or another family member) has mobility issues, or you have a job or hobby which involves lugging lots of gear around with you or even if you have three DC because that does make public transport more difficult.
But I do think that a lot of city dwellers are just lazy and unimaginative and, well, wusses really (waaah, couldn't use public transport because I'se FWITENED of other people).

"Actually, the issue isn't really about cars and driving, it's that this woman is enjoying winding you up. Tell her one more time you are sick of her comments and if she still carries on, report her to HR for bullying."
Yep Id agree with above.
YABU by getting wound up by someone who aint worth the bother.
So either let it wash over you or talk to your line manager or even take it further.
Bullying at work (or anywhere) isnt on.

Love your set up btw ie having work and school all close together! Much more relaxing not having to drive a bloody car.

God, she sounds charming, doesn't she?

Are you generally OK about standing up for yourself? Being quite assertive? Because, she sounds as though she needs putting firmly back in her place.

She isn't getting the message, and
broken record techniques work quite well with this sort. Just be direct with her. "I really don't know why you find it so difficult to understand why we don't have a car. We manage perfectly well without one." Or whatever it is you would like to say.

Every time she starts up about the car, repeat your chosen phrase, and again, and again. Just wear her down - be consistent and she'll stop soon enough

YANBU. Tell her getting a bus is hardly the military operation she thinks it is.

you don't really need a car in central london, so many people don't have one because its expensive and unnecessary - its not that weird! i can see that in other locations, smaller towns etc it could be quite inconvenient at times but not really central london. we don't have a car either cos neither me or dh have even done out driving lessons yet (never really got round to it...) i would like one eventually but its hardly a big deal and does not stop you from getting things done. i would just tell her like "we manage fine, why are you so bothered anyway "

I don't have a car either and completely agree with OP. I also receive the puzzled reception when I explain this to people. The positives are walking everywhere keeps me and DS fit and healthy (apart from spending some (a lot) of the money I save by not driving on chocolate ) and DS is extremely 'road safety' aware, from having to walk near / alongside roads regularly (with me).

Down sides are struggling in the winter when it's so bl**dy cold outside and if I go to the shop and forget to buy something, 'nipping' back isn't so quick. Having a ride in a friend's car is, sadly, a real treat for DS but I just could never, ever afford to run a car, even a moped for that matter!

OP I think this 'lady' is going on at you because you are quiet, you are an easy target as she probably thinks that you're not going to speak up for yourself. I agree that the only way to deal with her is to say something like 'why does my lifestyle matter to you so much? Do you need a lift somewhere or sommat???'

What are her personal circumstances? Maybe she is unhappy in her relationship and is very of you and your family?

I would give her another chance and then raise a grievance against her (make sure you have witnesses) or tell her that her constant questions make you feel uncomfortable so she needs to put a cork in it. Maybe she just doesn't realise how offended you are by it all?

Tell her you're Amish and have to walk/public transport into work cos HR won't build you a stable or you're 'between horses' at the moment

Dh and I both drive but we live centrally and gave our car up a year ago. We weren't using it. I find driving in the UK a massive PITA.

It's been great. We walk everywhere and shopping gets delivered and we are getting really fit. The kids don't miss out on anything compared to when we did have a car.

With the money we save we get to invest in nice all weather gear/ clothes and really good shoes...and we are going to disneyworld.

Lots of people are carless by choice. Your colleague is just being ignorant.

I've often thought that the driving age should be raised to 20 or even 25 so people are forced to try life as a non driver and see it's perfectly possible and probably cheaper and more relaxing. I think people are scared of the unknown, I know adults that would be too scared to get a bus as they wouldn't know what to ask for or where to get off the bus or assume all bus users are weirdos.

I loved my daily train and walk home as it was my time to empty my head of all my work thoughts.

With regards to your colleague, I think you should just be positive all the time e.g. yes it's lovely not to have all that expense, I find it more relaxing not having to drive, don't have to worry about having a drink etc etc. Moaners hate positive people.

BTW I must admit I thought your post was going to say that your colleague was fed up with you scabbing lifts!

We were car-free for years, and have only just got one (a flashy company car, as DP has new job).
We live near the centre of a big (well, well-serviced) city, bikeable/walkable distance to everything we need.....
DS is 3 and loves the car, but quite frankly, it's not made a jot of difference to our lives....DP said "Has this car made us any happier?", and we agreed...no, not really.
One neighbour once asked, in bemusement, how we got about, and I replied "We live in a modern city, and when we want to leave the city, there's buses and trains". He hasn't mentioned it since, as he was quite satisfied with that.
I wouldn't mention your dyspraxia to this dolt, as she'll just go ON and ON about that, too.
One silly girl once called me selfish for not driving, as it meant I'd always be asking people for lifts, and my answer was: "Well, if that's the first thing you assume I do, it says more about you - I make a point of never asking for lifts".
I think there's some good responses on here, also..."It's not a problem to us. It's not a problem to us...." and repeat.
Silly caaaaahhhhh.
I have deliberately decided not to drive because I know I'd turn into a monster behind the wheel. The idea of learning so's I could become the designated driver/back up like one poster wouldn't work, cos once that genie's out of the bottle.................ooooh, it'd be Mad Max all over again.
Keep us posted...she sounds like a right knobwad.

I grew up in London and never needed a car, the transport was so good that where ever I needed to go a bus took me straight there, or I walked.
Then after I had the dc's I moved to a town with not so good transport and I was glad I had a car as it would have been difficult to get to where I needed to go (though not impossible and I did get the bus or walk into town).
Now I live in a place with even worse transport so I really need a car, so I think it does depend on where you live.
If you lived in a more rural place with not so good public transport then you may be more likely to use a car - but in big cities you don't really need one.

Tell her to mind her own business. Find some aspect of her life that you don't 'get' and then go on and on and on at her about it.

When someone says 'I just don't know how you cope' say 'well isn't it just wonderful you aren't me then'.

YANBU nothing to do with her what a rude person.

I have a car. And I think YADNBU!!

Tell her to mind her own beeswax!

You seem to manage just fine without a car, what the hell has it got to do with her?

Another dyspraxic non-driver here weighing in to say YADNBU. DH does drive but doesn't enjoy it and our car sits outside the house from one end of the week to the other - we walk or cycle pretty much everywhere and the car just does long trips, and even then we take the train if possible.
My MIL is the worst about the non-driving thing - she is obsessed with the fact that I don't drive. She once gave me three driving lessons for my birthday despite the fact that DH pleaded with her not to. I took great pleasure in passing them on to a friend who wanted to learn and couldn't afford any lessons.

I don't think it's about the car particularly either. She just sounds like a spiteful witch.

Tbh though, I have driven since I was 17 and the idea of being carless does fox me a bit. And I have fab transport links and loads of shops etc within a (longish) bus ride but it's like you have to put a different head on to work out how to do it. DD in a pushchair, plus shopping, plus loads of other people on the bus brings me out in a cold sweat. Quite sure there's nothing to it but it's easy to forget how if you don't do it.

Ask her why it bothers her so much what you do?

My DP can't drive, and has no interest whatsoever in learning. I don't think it's all that unusual tbh, loads of folk I know can't drive and don't want to. She should maybe get out more (provided she can find a parking space).

We live in London. DH does not drive, though I have a licence. We gave away our car 7 years ago because it wasn't worth the money we spent on parking/MOT/Licence etc. Financially and physically we are far better off without it. To be honest, we never miss having it.

Perhaps you could make some reply such as "And that is why I have such fabulous legs (buns of steel/flat tummy etc)...." then look at hers, raise an eyebrow, smile slightly and swan off.

i had a company car,when my job went so did my car. DP had never learned to drive and so we decided that he should at least learn and then we'd worry about getting a car in the future.

anyway-he passed in the summer and my best friend gave us her old car.I must admit,we don't use it at all during the week but at weekend we do stuff that would have taken half a day to do previously.
So rather than 4 of us getting a bus/waiting for a lift to go to my parents/to visit friends who live only 6 miles but 3 different buses/£15 in a cab away we just jump in the car.
When this car dies (and it will do soon as it's a 20 year old escort) we'll have to reassess i guess! we did 2 years with no car and it wasn't bad at all,it doesn't horrify me to go back to it though.

Ok, my amateur psychology take on this is that it?s got nothing to do with whether you drive or not, she?s just using it to niggle at you. And the reason is that she?s envious of you. You must be gorgeous/incredibly intelligent/fascinatingly witty, and she maybe feels you?re a newbie who?s come along and outshone her in the workplace. Or maybe she?s envious of your lovely happy family?.who knows? Anyway, due to her own insecurities, she feels the need to put you down to make herself feel better about herself. Possibly she doesn?t even realise she?s doing it.

Let it all wash over you, smile serenely and feel sorry for her social anxiety. And then lose patience and ask her why she?s so fascinated by your carless existence. Ask her has she considered working in a car dealership as her car obsession would make her a perfect candidate for such a job. (No, not really, but I would keep saying ?We?re all perfectly happy, thanks for your concern? and changing the subject until she finally gets the message.)

There, so do you think I?d make a good pschologist then?