To feel 'conned' by the whole natural childbirth/labour and breastfeeding hardsell?

[angel1976]

I don't post that much on AIBU cos I am mostly scared of most of you! But I do want to know truly if I am the only person who feels this way about childbirth/labour/BF-ing?

DS2 born last Wednesday. I am truly happy and blessed now to have two very healthy and gorgeous sons. However, both my childbirth/labour/BF-ing experience have left me feeling quite down and I wonder if I AIBU to feel this way?

DS1 - Got 'sold' all the crap facts about natural labour without pain relief, drugs are bad etc, every woman can BF etc etc. Had very 'aspirational' ideas of how the birth of DS1 would be - birthing pool, calm etc.

Reality is I had a very quick labour. Midwives did not believe I was in labour when I got into hospital. Left screaming on the floor in waiting room. Got into delivery suite, 7cm dilated, I was completely hazy with pain (can't remember the details of what happened next TBH). DS1 was in distress with each contraction. All I remembered was loads of people rushing in, DS1 delivered with ventouse, had a horrendous 48 hours in hospital with no support, no help with BF-ing. Struggled with BF-ing big-time, got told over and over again what I was going through was normal. As a background, I have a pituitary tumour that messes with my hormones and could be the reason why I struggled so much with BF-ing. Tried to get every help I could with it and even the BF-ing counsellor told me in the end to use formula and was so concerned with my state of mind (I was crying all the time cos I felt I 'failed' as a mother by not being able to BF) that she called my HV to come and see me. In the end I was very depressed for at least 6 months after DS1's birth and did not enjoy that time with him.

DS2 - Definitely wanted pain relief of some sort. Again, got to hospital late. Midwifes believe me this time about how quick everything is happening (as one of the midwives know me fairly well). Asked for pain relief straightaway and instead of giving it straight to me, the midwives tried to use gas and air as a 'bargaining' tool and held off giving it to me!

Realised straightaway gas and air is another 'con', I was in so much pain. Midwives kept telling me I was doing well and refused to give me any other pain relief. Shouted to them I could feel DS2's head but was not believed till DH shouted to them that I wasn't lying! My waters didn't break and the midwives thought my waters will break first so again, got caught unawares.

DS2 born last Wednesday, Friday I felt a lot of pressure underneath and had an emergency callout with the midwife and got diagnosed with a vaginal prolapse. Got told I wouldn't get to see a gyne for another 2-3 weeks on the NHS. Luckily DH has private healthcare and we are going down that route on Monday. Trust me, if you have a vaginal prolapse, you do not want to WAIT to see a doctor. Again, struggling with BF-ing. DH spotted that DS2 is tongue tied like DS1, confirmed by the midwife who came on the first day.

I just feel so depressed by the whole thing. I really feel I was 'mis-sold' everything about childbirth and BF-ing! I've never even heard of a vaginal prolapse before it happened to me. I know I am VERY, VERY lucky that I have two beautiful boys and that I am 'healthy' (relatively speaking) but I wished someone had warned me the 'reality' of having two natural childbirths so close together. And now to be struggling with a vaginal prolapse and BF-ing at the same time, I can almost feel the old depression that swamped so much of my early days with DS1 coming back... I have a very close friend who has had an elective C-section cos she didn't want to feel labour pains and I used to think what a wimp she was and though it wasn't by choice, I felt kinda proud of having had DS1 completely naturally.

Now I just feel cheated and angry. So what if I had two vaginal births and only with gas and air with the second one? My body is seriously f*ed up. I have women issues only faced by old women... While my friend with the C-section has no issues as far as I know other than a scar... So AIBU????????????????????

The problem is I can see myself contributing to this 'conspiracy of silence'... I mean, when a friend of mine is pregnant next, I ain't going to say to her what a horrible birth I had and tell her all the gory details of my prolapse. I mean, what is the point? She is already pregnant and has to get the baby out somehow right? The only thing I sad after my first childbirth to any pregnant friends who asked was that if they wanted pain relief, they should have pain relief and not let anyone talk them out of that.

The whole BF-ing issue still makes me angry though... Last night, DS2 drank 3oz of formula. DH remarked that there was no way he could have got that from my breast. I pumped 1oz of milk last night and 2oz this morning. I know the baby is meant to get more from the breast than the pump then but still, I know from previous experience that I have an issue with supply as well. It brings back all the memories of those early days with DS1 where we were both in tears most of the time as he screamed and screamed and now I feel it was because we literally starved him... I know I have to stop beating myself up over it as he is now the healthiest 20-month-old I know but still, he might not remember but I do. It just makes me so sad yet I feel too guilty at the moment to stop BF-ing completely...

Angel wrt to expressing, you really cant rely on it to tell you how much your baby is taking when feeding. your baby is far more efficient at emptying your breast than any breast pump could ever be so it really isnt a reliable way of judging how much he is getting.

kellymom.com is a great website for giving unbiased, factual information about breastfeeding. you could try posting in thr breasteeding topic aswell as there is some great advice there.

I've been telling pregnant friends about childbirth and they are grateful.

angel1976, are you me?! your post brought back so many memories from ds1 birth, and i know what you mean about feeling like the baby is starving, i still think ds1 did starve to be honest, but how could he not? A traumatised mother, a frantic father, and he probably still was shocked from the birth himself. I was determined to bf, at any cost, and the poor little man just was never satisfied. The difference between us is I was sold the "epidural is the only way" story.
i also suffered horrendous post birth injuries which required surgery (not a prolapse though). The common thing is with stories like this (imo) is:

1. lack of choice (no, you can't, not policy, not enough midwives, the moon is half full tonight, bla bla).
2. without exception (again ime) these stories always involve a midwife from hell, who should very likely be gainfully employed in some other area, such is her (and it is always "her) attitude to labouring women.

pain relief is bliss, I will not deny it. the physical and mental cost of that pain relief in my experience was not worth it. To the point where i booked a home birth with dc2 and am not lying when i say i would actually love to go through that labour and delivery again, the difference was so great. your bliss experience may well be an epidural, and that is great. A midwife/caregiver who listens and understands is even greater.
Either way I wish you the very best, and please know this will pass and seem not to be so all consuming as it is now. i had counselling and would highly recommend it.

Booyhoo - Trust me, I know pretty much everything I can find on BF-ing. I really was determined to BF DS1. I was in tears everyday and there were days I sat on the couch all day only for DS1 to scream his head off after hours of 'feeding'. I was on forums (even MN), I had the BF-ing counsellor come to see me, went to BF-ing clinics. I tried everything before I gave up. It was either I gave up or my sanity. But my failure to BF mad me feel like I failed as a mother but that was because I was sold all the literature about 'breast is best' and 'everyone can breastfeed'. I know better now. I still find it hard to accept that I have failed on such a basic level i.e. to feed my own child with my own milk. But I am also determined to enjoy both my sons (I've already missed out so much of DS1's early days) and if it means they are going to be FF, so be it.

Oscy - I'm glad I'm not the only one who felt she starved her baby. DH and I now wonder if that was the reason why DS1 was such an unhappy baby from birth. That's because the poor bugger was starving. He used to only stop crying after we gave him formula but this would literally be half a day of me BF-ing him on the couch before I caved (that was how determined I was to exclusively BF). I'm glad you had a much better experience with your DC2. I take comfort in that our family is complete now and it's time for me to be a little selfish and if it requires surgery to fix my prolapse (I think they do this as a last resort and usually only if you don't want any more children as having any more children vaginally will just undo the surgery), so be it. I know I am very lucky to have two beautiful and healthy sons at the end of it all.

well as far as im concerned you most definitley have not failed, you persevered through agony, that is not failure. i think you are being extremely brave to try again after having such a hard time with your first baby. also, you did breastfeed, you bf'd for as long as you could and every little helps. you succesfully bf'd for as long as you did. regardless of when you stopped, you have not failed. you sound like an excellent mother because you would put yourself through that again for your baby.

i 'gave up' bfing my first son too at 7 weeks and for a long time i felt as though i had failed him but it was only in the last year or so i realised that i did bf succesfully for 7 weeks and that i should be pleased with that. you should too. i'm really sorry you are having such a difficult time now, you do seem to have 'lifted' a bit since your first post which is a good sign. i didnt mean to sound patronising at all referring you to the breastfeeding topic. i just thought if there was anything could help you it was worth a try. i do hope you get all the answers you need wrt your labour and birth and also the treatment for the prolapse asap.

take care of yourself and your baby will pick up on this, he needs mummy to be relaxed and happy.

Thanks Booyhoo, that was a lovely post.

I don't mean to sound all defensive about it but it's obviously a sensitive topic for me. I told myself I was going to give up BF-ing last night just for the sake of both our sons. I really don't want to sideline DS1 at the moment as I want him to remember the birth of his brother as a positive thing and it's very hard trying to juggle everything together. I just can't sit on the couch forever like I did with him trying to BF. But this morning, I took out the breast pump again to try and get more milk for DS2. I just want the best for him and will try to go on as much as possible... When I was at the hospital to see the BF-ing counsellor, I saw mothers bottle feeding their NBs in the ward and I so wish I could do that without guilt!

I do feel better about everything, thanks. I watched a programme last night called 'When a mother's love is not enough' and it was all about parents with children with severe disabilities and I thank god for both my boys and I would willing suffer a prolapse a million times over than to have anything happen to them. Thanks once again for the support...

well, i think you have done the best for your baby. and you will be doing the best for both your babies, if mummy is happy and guiltfree and not strapped to the sofa.

let go of all the guilt. its not yours, it doesnt belong to you, you dont want it, tell it to leave. if it helps, go and open the front door and shoo it out. you might feel silly but who the hell cares. the physical expulsion of it will help.

my 6 month old is breasdfed but last night i gave him a bottle. why? because he'd fed an hour beforehand, was teething like mad, wouldnt settle and i was just exhausted. and i dont feel guilty. because my baby got fed, he settled and went over into a lovely sleep, and i got a rest. he wasnt poisoned, he was fed. and aslong as babies are fed warm and clean they will be happy. so you be happy too, you've been through enough.