To feel 'conned' by the whole natural childbirth/labour and breastfeeding hardsell?

[angel1976]

I don't post that much on AIBU cos I am mostly scared of most of you! But I do want to know truly if I am the only person who feels this way about childbirth/labour/BF-ing?

DS2 born last Wednesday. I am truly happy and blessed now to have two very healthy and gorgeous sons. However, both my childbirth/labour/BF-ing experience have left me feeling quite down and I wonder if I AIBU to feel this way?

DS1 - Got 'sold' all the crap facts about natural labour without pain relief, drugs are bad etc, every woman can BF etc etc. Had very 'aspirational' ideas of how the birth of DS1 would be - birthing pool, calm etc.

Reality is I had a very quick labour. Midwives did not believe I was in labour when I got into hospital. Left screaming on the floor in waiting room. Got into delivery suite, 7cm dilated, I was completely hazy with pain (can't remember the details of what happened next TBH). DS1 was in distress with each contraction. All I remembered was loads of people rushing in, DS1 delivered with ventouse, had a horrendous 48 hours in hospital with no support, no help with BF-ing. Struggled with BF-ing big-time, got told over and over again what I was going through was normal. As a background, I have a pituitary tumour that messes with my hormones and could be the reason why I struggled so much with BF-ing. Tried to get every help I could with it and even the BF-ing counsellor told me in the end to use formula and was so concerned with my state of mind (I was crying all the time cos I felt I 'failed' as a mother by not being able to BF) that she called my HV to come and see me. In the end I was very depressed for at least 6 months after DS1's birth and did not enjoy that time with him.

DS2 - Definitely wanted pain relief of some sort. Again, got to hospital late. Midwifes believe me this time about how quick everything is happening (as one of the midwives know me fairly well). Asked for pain relief straightaway and instead of giving it straight to me, the midwives tried to use gas and air as a 'bargaining' tool and held off giving it to me!

Realised straightaway gas and air is another 'con', I was in so much pain. Midwives kept telling me I was doing well and refused to give me any other pain relief. Shouted to them I could feel DS2's head but was not believed till DH shouted to them that I wasn't lying! My waters didn't break and the midwives thought my waters will break first so again, got caught unawares.

DS2 born last Wednesday, Friday I felt a lot of pressure underneath and had an emergency callout with the midwife and got diagnosed with a vaginal prolapse. Got told I wouldn't get to see a gyne for another 2-3 weeks on the NHS. Luckily DH has private healthcare and we are going down that route on Monday. Trust me, if you have a vaginal prolapse, you do not want to WAIT to see a doctor. Again, struggling with BF-ing. DH spotted that DS2 is tongue tied like DS1, confirmed by the midwife who came on the first day.

I just feel so depressed by the whole thing. I really feel I was 'mis-sold' everything about childbirth and BF-ing! I've never even heard of a vaginal prolapse before it happened to me. I know I am VERY, VERY lucky that I have two beautiful boys and that I am 'healthy' (relatively speaking) but I wished someone had warned me the 'reality' of having two natural childbirths so close together. And now to be struggling with a vaginal prolapse and BF-ing at the same time, I can almost feel the old depression that swamped so much of my early days with DS1 coming back... I have a very close friend who has had an elective C-section cos she didn't want to feel labour pains and I used to think what a wimp she was and though it wasn't by choice, I felt kinda proud of having had DS1 completely naturally.

Now I just feel cheated and angry. So what if I had two vaginal births and only with gas and air with the second one? My body is seriously f*ed up. I have women issues only faced by old women... While my friend with the C-section has no issues as far as I know other than a scar... So AIBU????????????????????

I hear you, really do. IMHO I think that its such a shocker, and I think maybe we feel cheated cos noone really tells you quite how shite childbirth and b feeding are. Then to top it off, you have the "guilt" of (a) wanting to use pain relied and (b) maybe giving up b feeding

watch our for possible PND, take good good care of yourself

and try to lose the guilt

Hopefully the responses here show alot of people feel like you

GOOID LUCK and congrats

Booyhoo - Thanks for your post. Yes, I can see things from the midwives' point of view too. I suppose to me, I knew how bad the pain was with my first labour, so I was insistent throughout my pregnancy that I definitely wanted gas and air and if that didn't work, I wanted something stronger. And it does feel very much that when you are in an extremely vulnerable position (in a lot of pain!), the midwives opt for the least pain relief option when I have already clearly stated that was what I did not want!

I know I am very lucky. I recovered from my first labour very quickly (and easily) other than a weak bladder. This time round, if not for the prolapse, I feel it would have been a much more positive experience in the sense that I was definitely more aware of the labour and what it constituted and also for such fast labours, I was very, very lucky not to suffer any tears, just minor lacerations that seem to heal very quickly. Maybe I should be angry with my body for letting me down?

mummysgoingmad - Thank you! My new baby is lovely. I had an extremely difficult first few months with DS1 due to BF-ing problems and just the shock of being a first-time mum. I am enjoying DS2 so much more, he is such a chill out little one as well (as opposed to DS1 who was high maintenance and screamed much for the first few months of his little life! Thank goodness he is a chirpy and bright little thing now...). I am feeling less panicked about the prolapse though I am getting on the phone to my GP today to get that referral. I do feel like I am doing pelvic floor exercises all day long at the moment just to hold things in and it's so tiring! I just don't know if I am cope with having to struggle through with BF-ing DS2 as well... But I am very happy with my two beautiful boys...

I'm finding DC2 much easier too - no cluster feeding/ evening screaming yet (well she was yesterday but i think that was something in particular), can tell what she wants much better, we're both so much more chilled out than it was with DS!

i feel you are being unnecessarily hard on yourself. you have nothing to feel guilty about, your body didnt let you down. a vaginal prolapse is a common thing and your are in no way to blame for it. its just one of those things.

please please stop blaming yourself now. there will be plenty of opportunities throughout your motherhood to make you feel guilty, this is not one of them.

StealthPolarBear - How old is your LO? I agree with us being a lot more chilled. I remember the early days of DS1, I think we were more or less in a state of shock and panicking at every little cry. We are a lot more relaxed with this one! He slept from 11pm-6.30pm last night! Mind you though, he seems to have a party one night and sleep the next philosophy...

Booyhoo - Thank you for your post. I really appreciate it. Is a vagina prolapse a common thing? I know the midwives say it is fairly common but I have never heard about it! I guess if I had, I would never have had kids... I do feel I am somewhat to blame, keep thinking I should have been better with my pelvic floor exercises... Argh! I have got an appointment with the GP late this afternoon now and hoping to get that referral.

I do get what you mean, Angel, about the "hard sell" of natural childbirth.

I was very involved with my eldest sister's pregnancy (before I had DCs) and she was determined she was going to have as natural a birth as possible. She was adamant that she would never have an epidural (birth partner told not to let her be pressured into having one under any circumstances) as she had had a back injury in the past and couldn't bear the thought of anyone fiddling with her back. She had her Sheila Kitzinger book and was trusting, keen and confident to try all the techniques within.

Sadly she had a terrible time, had an epidural she herself screamed for, loads of stitches, lost loads of blood. Obviously she was over the moon with her little DD but I never forgot the contrast between the way she thought it could be for her, if she only "got the breathing right," and the way it actually was despite her best efforts.

When I was expecting my first, I only went to the NHS ante-natal classes but felt they completely glossed over stitches or anything else unpleasant. If you expressed a worry it was brushed aside. I guess it was to reassure people but they weren't reassuring in other ways - I remember one treat was to have us all pull out a piece of medical equipment out of a bag like a lucky dip, and the midwives would then explain what it was. How the two of them roared with laughter when someone got the forceps . And then there was the tour of the labour ward, at night during a thunderstorm, where some poor woman was screaming her head off - oooh that made me feel heaps better...

So when my labour kicked off it was as bad as I thought. When I heard the words "We'll have to do a caesarean" I thought I'd won the lottery.

ballon that is terible that they laughed when you pulled out the forceps. bad antenatal care in my opinion. surely the point of antenatal classes is to reassure the parents and alleviate fears. way to induce high blood pressure!!!

it really gets to me that there are such terrible midwives around. something very wrong with that.

YANBU - i had a horrendous first labour due to same belief that 'natural is best' and out NCT classes really pushed this. At one stage when discussing epidurals they had one of the fathers sit in the middle of the class and we had to tie strings all over him, one for the catheter, one for the needle in the back, one for the V drip one for god knows what - so he ended up looking like a puppet. Made him look ridiculous and bound - no mention of the relief that it would truly provide. To first time hormonal and scared mothers this looked horrendous. Am about to have my second and am going for as much pain relief as possible and will threaten to sue the hospital for failure to provide medical assistance if they delay in any way. Am seeing anethetist before birth so it is all recorded to provide relief immediately and have consultant on my side but the fact that i am having to go to drastic lengths to ensure a happier birth is terrible IMO. My son was also tongue tied so i know how horrible it is to deal with a non feeding very hungry baby and feeling like a failure. Wish you all the best.

YABU, but understandably so. The thing is, there are things in labour and birth that are objectivey better, for most people. "natural", limited pain relief, is better statistically for mother and baby. Of course that doesn't mean its for everyone, or that anyone has failed for doing it differently, but neither is it fair to call it all a con. Its all very emotional on your end, but there are reasons certain things are promoted, because they are most likely to cause the best outcomes.

In order to be "sold" something, you have to be "buying" it.

DS is 2 1/2 and DD will be 8 weeks on Friday. So far they've never both had a 'good' night at the same time but I live in hope

Booyhoo it's not the worst example of the type I have heard.

My friend's sister was on the labour ward tour and they took them to see the room where forceps deliveries were performed.

One of the mums-to-be nervously remarked that it all looked rather scary, and was told: "Oh yes, we do find women start pushing a lot harder when we bring them in here."

A comment best left in the staff room, I'd say, wouldn't you?

i think wrt to a good night sleep, it seems to be something people view as 'the holy grail' of parenthood. as if its a milestone that all babys must achieve. its very important to realise that all babies are different and some might never have a full night sleep until they are into their toddler or preschool years.

when my ds1 was born he slep through from 7 weeks, 12 hours, never looked back. now with ds 2, he is almost 6 months and i have had 1 full night sleep. i remember getting to the 7/8 week mark and thinkng there was something wrong with him because he wasnt sleeping through. but he is a different baby altogether. its ridiculous to expect that he will follow any other baby's routine.

lighten up on yourselves and dont expect too much, be flexible with your expectations and you wont be dissapointed. its hard enough without added pressure of unachievable goals.

Sounds like you have very duff care - and in that sense you were sold down the river. It's traumatic not to be listened to in labour - no wonder you feel so upset.

Have you seen a breastfeeding specialist about your son's tongue tie? Have they referred you to a tongue tie clinic where it can be properly assessed and dealt with?

Stigaloid

"no mention of the relief that it would truly provide"

Did the teacher really not mention that epidurals provide very good pain relief for 9 out of 10 women who opt for them? If it wasn't mentioned that was very remiss.

wow, people can be very insensitive.

you have just reminded me of my tour of labour ward. we walked past a room with a pretty name on it (cant remember it now thank god) and one mother commented that she didnt know the delivery rooms had names. the midwife said, "only that one does. panic if they tell you you're going in there because thats where we take the ones we dont think are going to make it." we all just stared open mouthed at each other as the midwife trotted on describing how wonderful the birthing pool was.

"I do get what you mean, Angel, about the "hard sell" of natural childbirth"

Yes - antenatal teachers should make it clear to women that not only is a straightforward birth not possible for some women, even for those for whom it would be possible (the majority), most won't get it because of the way they'll be treated at hospital when they go in to give birth.

I think all antenatal teachers should tell women that if they have strong feelings about wanting a natural birth then they should a) get a doula or, b) get an independent midwife and/or c) have a homebirth or d) try to book in to a birth centre with a strong ethos of one to one care.

The likelyhood of a first time mum having a normal birth in some CLU's - well, the phrase 'hens teeth' comes to mind......

I certainly felt really dismissed when in labour with DS1. I was 7cm by the time they took me into the delivery room. At some stage, my DH went up to the midwives in reception (leaving me on all fours in the waiting room screaming) to ask for help only to be told 'First labours are usually really long, your wife has only been here 20 minutes!' Been told a similar story by a colleague who was dismissed by the midwife who didn't bother to check how far in labour she was and said instead 'It's not called labour for nothing!' But I also realised I was very lucky in that by the time they got me into delivery, they got the CTG on baby at once and realised DS1 was in distress and I had a ventouse delivery. I have watched on Panorama of how babies had died in similar circumstances so do feel lucky DS1 was born healthy.

BalloonSlayer - Your poor sister!

Booyhoo - There are some awful midwives around. I have met probably about 10-15 in both pregnancies and only 2 I would say I could trust with my life.

StealthPolarBear - Congrats! I agree with Booyhoo, it's all luck when it comes to sleep. DS1 is a super trooper sleeper (like his dad). This one is looking that way too so fingers crossed!

pooexplosions - I won't deny that I bought the whole shebang but how could you not when it was all presented to you as if it was the only good alternative?

sabire - I am seeing a BF-ing counsellor in the hospital this afternoon with regards to DS2's TT so fingers crossed. I don't disbelieve what Stigaloid has said either... All I remember being told about epidurals were the problems they caused as opposed to the relief they bring.

Booyhoo - what do they mean by "not going to make it" - not going to deliver vaginally I hope!

here too at "not going to make it"! Please, Booyhoo, confirm it's "not going to make vaginal delivery", please!

Angel, I had 3 very different deliveries (induced vag delivery with epidural, catheder, synto drip etc etc, emCS, VBAC with Gas+air) and feel v lucky that I can look back at all 3 deliveries as a positive experience, particularly after reading threads like yours.
So much is in the communication, support and the feeling of having been heard and taken seriously, rather than the exact details of how a delivery went.
It is nice that you sound so much more positive today and not as despondent. Childbirth is hard and you and your baby made it through it, so well done, and congratulations again!

too at Boohooy.

I think most mothers and babies do 'make it'! But maybe that's part of the whole issue - one friend I know who had a terrible time commented that MWs can be remarkably unsympathetic 'because they know that in the end you probably aren't going to die'. I was an 'old mother' and had heard far too many tales of MW's saying 'not yet... not yet oops it's too late now' when friends begged for an epidural - frankly it seems to be the standard ruse in some places. And no, the vast majority of these friends did not consider, post-birth, that they were better off having not had one. That and a family history of large babies and problems (DD1 was over 4 kg) and a supportive GP who told me 'that's the only way she'd have one' made me go for an elective section.

Second baby abroad and discovered that a lot of western countries think that G&A is frankly primitive. And much better access to epidurals does not actually result in greater infant mortality/complications rates in these countries. Most frightening thing i heard, from the Filipina nurse working in the post-delivery ward there (she liked having an anglophone to chat to at 3 am) was that some of her friends from training days were not qualified to actually deliver babies in a number of countries - but guess which one they were delivering them in.....

sorry - Booyhoo not Boohooy.

no, it's a separate room away from delivery suite and the ward that they brought mothers with babies who werent expected to survive. ones that they know before birth are very ill.

i think she was trying to make a joke of it but really i would rather not have known that at all.

sabire - your post of 10.44 is spot on and exactly what I wanted to say - the whole natural birth thing isnt a con if its done in a birth centre or at home with a supportive and properly trained midwife.

It goes tits up in most hospital settings because everything is so statistics based so they want you to have a drug free birth while still putting you on a drip, restricting your mobility, not recognising different presentations ie posterior etc - just impossible and excruciating...

Thank you all for your support. I do feel much better. It really was the shock of discovering the prolapse. In my mind, I always had worst case scenarios and they always had to do with the baby - what if something went wrong etc. I think in my mind, it never occurred to me that other than the usual issues like bruising, bleeding etc, there could be some other damage...

We have taken DS2 to see the BF-ing counsellor and it seems that he does have a rather bad tongue tie, which is why I am struggling yet again with BF-ing. I've been pumping to keep my supply up when I can't bear to have him on my breast anymore. But fingers crossed as we now have a referral to get it sorted asap.

Also been to the GP to get a referral for the prolapse so hopefully I will be able to get an appointment this week privately.

The midwife came to do the heel prick test today (she is one of the two I would trust with my life) and we had a good chat and she was very sympathetic. She acknowledged that I've been through the mill with my two childbirth with the problems I have had post-birth with milk supply, tongue-tie and now the prolapse. And I felt much better, I think I just wanted a health professional to acknowledge that the experience hasn't been easy on me just because it was a 'quick' labour! I did feel the tears coming through while talking to the BF-ing counsellor as she was the same one that dealt with me very sympathetically when I had the BF-ing issues with DS1 and it brought all that horrid memories of those early months flooding back.

So thank you all for your support, I think I just needed a vent.

YANBU. It IS a big con. Not even just the hard sell of "natural" (i.e. drug-free) birth, but the whole conspiracy of silence where nobody talks about the horrors of childbirth.

My elective c-section was a much better experience with much quicker recovery than the "normal" birth several years before.

YNBU.
I had an elective Csection with DTs, all went perfectly, one fabulous day for Rollmops' family it was

Friend had a natural birth 2 weeks later, was not given painkillers regardless how many times she begged for them; ventouse that went very, very bad and ended with emergency Csection to save the lives of both Mom and baby.

She still can't talk about it without getting so angry and tearful. Moi, on the other hand, could go on and on how fabulous it was.....