Is DH being unreasonable for not wanting to book a hotel?

[StripeyKnickersSpottySocks]

We have a 7:30 flight from Gatwick to catch, we're at least a 4 if not 5 hour drive from Gatwick. I'm guessing we need to check in at 5:30am at the latest.

He just says that we can drive down during the night. With 8yo DD, then a flight, then a 3.5hr transfer the other side.

Just because he doesn't want to spend £100 on a hotel which includes parking, we'll have to spend £50 on parking anyway.

He so does not sound worried about money.

he is a bully and a controlling person and you really need to stop allowin him to treat you like this.

You are his wife ffs. He should be giving you whatever you need to sort out the family holiday.

His savings? His money? WTF?

And you buy xmas presents with your money? I'm very confused. I thought everyone in the family worked to support the family...

Oh, and book the hotel. What he wants to do is very dangerous and exhausting

So you both work and have own accounts, OK if it works-but it doesn´t seemto!

But then who pays for what?

Why have you spent so much on Christmas that you can´t afford 100 GBP for a hotel on your card?

He earns more than you & is paying for the holiday.
I don´t think he´s totally unreasonable to ask you to pay 100 for a hotel that you´re insisting on & he thinks isn´t necessary.

You shouldn't have bought the presents for his family, ask to be paid back.

And find another way to sort out your finances with each other cos right now it sounds like financial abuse.

In order to sort out the bigger picture here you may have to let go of the hotel idea (though I know I wouldn;t if I were you)

Far more worrying is the idea of his savings - wtf is that all about? And you buying all the presents with your money. I thought a marriage was about a partnership.

At the moment mine and DH money goes into the same account and everything comes out of that. Once childcare costs come down and I start earning more money I would love for us to have our own accounts that we can transfer the same amont of money into and spend on what we want or save.

DH currently earns about 2.5 x more than me, however I recently came inherited about £10k,although I have bought myself something very special the rest of the money is ours - not mine.

You really need to get the way you do your finances sorted out and how you make decisions as a couple not him dictating to you or you dictating to him.

Re this hotel, if he really wants to drive (and you can't really force him to book a hotel, otherwise you would be as bad as him - though I agree he sounds like a twat) you need to let him know that him not dong any childcare on the first day cos hes tired (as someone suggested he might) is not an option.

IMO you need to start discussing things and making decisions together - sometimes you'll get your way, others he'll get his but you both need to compromise.

Hope you manage to sort something out otherwise you're in for a miserable holiday.

Stripey, watch out for some of the hotels with parking and transfer to the airport included. Some of the transfer minibuses don't actually start running until after you need to be checked in. Make sure you get one that does start early enough. We looked into staying over the night before an early flight, but we would have needed to book a taxi at extra cost for the transfer as it was so early. We drove from home in the end, but only just over an hours drive in the early hours to Gatwick. If 4-5 hrs we would have definitely stayed overnight somewhere.

Could you present your reasoning as the danger of driving for 4-5 hrs through the night tired? The risks of missing your check-in/flight if delayed on motorway? Everyone being bad-tempered through lack of sleep and thus a bad start to the holiday (a shame for DD?)

Regarding the money situation, he should pay for the hotel as you paid for his family's presents. The fact that he didn't even buy you a token birthday gift is worrying. My H did this to me once and a few months later we separated. He, too, was controlling. I'd be tempted to let slip to his family how he expects you to fork out for their presents and never does so himself.

To be honest £100 for a weeks parking and an overnight airport hotel seems very cheap to me.

I think you need to chat through why he feels he has control over what you do and do not spend. Others have already said this, but you are a family, spending family money on the family credit card. Not his money. You said he'd go mad if you used his card, so why don't you have one in your name too and share the bill? Persoanlly I couldn't be married to someone like that, I'd feel controlled and soffocated.

Why don't you show him this thread then he can see how everyone thinks he is being unreasonable.

I can't sleep on any kind of vehicle and am not at all precious. I would book it it will be a nightmare otherwise.

sorry my strange comment was at something trillion said millions of posts ago

We've always kept our money seperate. I only work p/t so I can be at home for DD more (we don't have the best childcare in the world so I can't work f/t). DH pays all the bills and major expenses such as holidays.

I buy all the food shopping and stuff for DD and the childminder. When I was studying and on a bursary I used to ask him for money towards Xmas presents and he would always pay what I asked him to. At other times if I've had a bad month and the car needs taxing or something he's given me money when asked.

I think sometimes he gets a bit frustrated that he seems to be paying for everything and I don't. But then he has much more income than me, and more left over at the end of each month. He must have more than 1k a month left over after he's paid the bills and I've normally got £10 in the bank before payday.

But I don't mind that, I have enough to buy me the odd pair of shoes or whatever that I want. I think he thinks if we merged our bank accounts then I'd spend all his wages on crap such as handbags and shoes. I wouldn't, I am careful with money in that I don't go overdrawn and don't buy stuff on credit.

Anyway I've found a hotel without parking for £25. Then we can use the normal APH at £40. He's happy about that and I'm going to pay for it anyway as I can run to £25.

"I think sometimes he gets a bit frustrated that he seems to be paying for everything and I don't"

Erm my DH pays for EVERYTHING as I am a SAHM and manages to get not at all frustrated. I don't have a credit card but if I need one for a purchase he happily hands his over without even asking as he TRUSTS me with OUR money. If it was a big purchase I would of course discuss it with him but it wouldn't be asking permission it would be a joint decision. Basically your DH is getting FREE childcare if you are only working p/t and he has over £1K a month left over for him to play with. Start charging him for that. Oh, and any housework you do.

But the only reason he can work fulltime is presumably because you are providing him with free childcare for his child when you're at home.

The situation doesn't sound like it works massively well for you. Glad you've found a solution this time, though.

Well I guess when you split up it will be easier for him if he has his own account. Seriously, is this what he is thinking? Because his behaviour is not that of a committed man.

But it's joint money?? He couldn't go out and earn his money without you doing the childcare and also paying the childminder.

I'm a SAHM and DH transfers money every month, basically everything that is left after paying the bills and mortgage. We each have an agreed amount to spend each month on our own stuff - clothes, books etc etc.
ALL our savings are in my name because then we don't pay tax on them. I have my own credit card which gets paid off each month - out of OUR money.

What I find most bizarre about your situation, is that you clearly don't discuss your finances together. Do you not know how much he earns and what your bills are? You think he gets frustrated - has he said that, do you talk about it? He thinks you would spend it all on shoes - tell him you won't. Don't you trust each other?

I know what the outgoings are as I've set up all the direct debits. I don't know how much he earns or how much savings he has (have rough idea).

Do you not find that odd stripey?

You don't know how much he earns?

That is seriously messed up.

How long have you been married?

You don't know what he earns? I am stunned by that.

How do you know whether you can afford things - holidays, new car, to move house?

What if anything happens to him - will you get access to his pension? Do you know how much that will be?

Sorry, I will leave the thread if you like - I am so shocked, and really angry on your behalf - but I don't want to upset you.

I know what he earns to the nearest 10k, but it could be a few k either side. I only know from seeing payslips.

When we moved house to this one he wasn't working so we got the mortgage on my income, I knew we could afford it. I know we can afford a ski holiday every year because we always have one. I know he inhereited quite a bit a few years ago, though don't know how much. His mum, him, his sister and aunt went into the next room to discuss details and shut the door. I think I'm getting as bad as him now as I inherited some money earlier this year and now haven't told him! I think well why should I. I would guess he's got between 40k and 50k in the bank.

He doesn't have a pension. He's 14 years older than me so I'm guessing he thinks I'll still be working when he's retired. We've been mariied 10 years.

When I needed a new car as my old one blew up I asked him how much we (he) could afford and he gave me 4k to get one.

My parents always kept their money seperate so I'm used to that. They weren't so secretaive though.

SAHM here also, with "unlimited" access to joint account.

It´s the savings that are in my name only!

Wow. Forgive my bluntness but personally I would regard that as a deeply unhealthy relationship.

DH and I know what the other earns to the penny, and all money is shared without question. I literally cannot imagine inheriting money and not telling him.

stripey I think I remember a thread where you weren't sure whether to tell him you had inherited the money or not?

You must know this situation is shit. Why are you having to go without and scrape money together while he swans around with £££ in the bank able to buy anything he wants?

Doesn't he understand that the children are not your sole responsibility they are his too? That the reason you have less income is because you are working part-time to look after said children so that he can work?

His behaviour is atrocious.

Is he good in other ways?

That really doesn't sound like a great setup Stripey. I get that some people are happier with split incomes in a marriage, but in your case it sounds kinda unhealthy.

We only have joint accounts, all money is our money regardless of who actually earned it.

Well,if each one earns enough for the bills they are covering, then I guess it´s OK.

But in this case it isn´t working.

You either need a joint account for bills, or you need to stop stumping up so much!

Why is he fucking about over £100 when he has 5 figures in savings?

Love, this isn't healthy. He is keeping you down by treating you like the hired help without a wage.