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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my mother NOT to stay with us after birth of baby?

46 replies

mosschops30 · 04/11/2009 11:33

I have posted oodles of times about my mother, about how she's demanding and quite hard work.

  • How she ruined my graduation day by turning it into a day about her.
  • How we swore to ourselves that she could never stay in our house again after causing so much upset last time that even the dc's were in tears because they didnt know what to do or who to listen to.
  • How we have asked her for Xmas but to stay at hotel 5 mins up the road, with car included and she's declined. Despite that there will be 5 of us already in impossibly small 3 bedroom house.

So she calls me and says 'oh I hope I can see the baby a couple of weeks after the birth - I dont want to wait 6 weeks or something' and I said of course, she could come down and I asked if she was gonna stay in hotel up road.
But no, she was going to stay here 'only for a couple of days'

Now I know youre all going to say that it will be a good help but you dont know my mother, it will consist of a couple of days of:

  • me picking her up from station and returning her because she wont drive her own car down here
  • her constantly complaining of how tired she is because when the baby wakes, it woke her up
  • constant criticism of dh and why isnt he doing more
  • constant comments about how silly breastfeeding is
  • refusal to get up much before midday due to aforementioned tiredness, then watching re-runs on Sky Gold. So no getting up early to help with ds or walk him to school.
  • every day a chorus of 'shall we go out to eat, I'll pay'! Then moaning about money spent etc

I feel really mean and a bit unreasonable, but I just think it will be unbearable and to be honest I wouldnt even want my best friend in the whole worls to stay with me when baby comes, I just want to get on with it, in my own way.

OP posts:
Stigaloid · 04/11/2009 11:36

Say to her that you aren't having overnight houseguests. Would love to see her but if she can't stay in the hotel it will have to be at a later more convenient date when you are all settled into a routine.

MrsJamin · 04/11/2009 11:37

YAdefinitelyNBU - I wouldn't want anyone staying after the birth of a baby, it's time for you all to bond as a family and adjust to new roles, especially I think for the Dad who could feel ousted by his MIL. But especially for you if your mum grates on you so much, and wouldn't be much help, you're going to have to say a firm No.

Kathyis12feethighandbites · 04/11/2009 11:38

Take the hard hat off. YANBU in the least.
Even with a helpful mother it is still the new parent's choice who comes to stay when the baby is small.
Yours is clearly a nightmare in this kind of situation. Your house is small. Of course she should stay in a hotel.

meltedchocolate · 04/11/2009 11:40

Not trying ot offend but she is acting like a child! It is odd that this is your mother! Breastfeeding is silly? What does she think those things hanging off her chest are for? Just be straight with her. Polite but straight. No other option! You will always have this problem. Just get it sorted now!

Stayingsunnygirl · 04/11/2009 11:40

I agree with the other posters - you are not being unreasonable in the slightest. You are right to put your needs and those of your dh and dc first.

posieparker · 04/11/2009 11:41

Just tell her she's welcome to come and stay but it's best to arrange nearer the time as anything could happen. You could have a caesarean or terrible stitches, your baby may not sleep for a few days (or not for long, which happened with dc3 & 4 for me and I ended up with exhaustion). Then put it off for a couple of weeks or suggest the hotel explaining that there's no room as you and baby are in the spare space, sorry.

My mother lives abroad and argued with my DH whilst I was in hospital (4th) c-section then both her and my DH would come in and complain about the other, noone gave a crap that I'd had a baby and major surgery.

Be strong OP and say NO. This is the one time when you can experience your baby and your DH and dcs, ifn she's going to ruin it then it's a no brainer.

Firawla · 04/11/2009 11:45

yanbu if you dont want her to come, then she should not come she will just stress you out. tell her you think the hotel will be better, and stick to that firmly. if she says "oh just a couple of days, ill stay at yours" just repeat that no, the hotel will be better for everyone.

Original poster
mosschops30 · 04/11/2009 11:54

the problem is that we dont ever want her to stay with us again after her behaviour the last time was so awful, and only the fact that we all pulled together as a family, we actually got through it without killing each other

So I cant say 'oh that week wont be any good, I cant plan anything now' because I dont want her to stay in our house.

We have 3 hotels within a 5 minute drive (2 of them about a 2 minute drive) and she will have use of my car if she wants it (which she doesnt), but she still keeps sayiong 'oh its only a couple of days'

Fact is she grates on us when Im not hormonal god help us all if shes here when Ive just given birth.
I feel mean, but if she behaved normally then it would be less of a problem, but this house is still too small for 6 people (its too small for 4 of us now)!

OP posts:
Stigaloid · 04/11/2009 11:59

I would tell her that she is not welcome to stay after the last visit caused so much upset.

Stripycat23 · 04/11/2009 11:59

YANBU. Those first few weeks is about you and your baby (and hubby/other kids of course!). Your hormones will be all over the place and you're bonding. It's not unreasonable to want people to stay away if that's how you feel. It's also not unreasonable to expect them to understand this.

Original poster
mosschops30 · 04/11/2009 12:11

stigaloid would you really? god it will cause all sorts of upset. Sadly it wasnt a one off event, there have been a few occasions where either she and dh have argued and ended up not speaking, or we argue and I drive her to the station in silence.
Obviously its important she meets new baby and sees her other garndchildren, and I am quite happy to go up at some point but that has to be when Im ready and we're all setlled which could be days or it could be weeks. And as Ive already said she can come down when she wants providing she doesnt stay here

OP posts:
hobnobsaremyfavourite · 04/11/2009 12:12

YANBU> My mother stayed after my 1st and 2nd were born and despite my exhaustion I made sure that she did no stay after 3 and 4 were born!! I just could not cope with her constant interference/ help telling me what to do and undermining any routine and discipline I had with the other children. I tried to explain nicely that after she went we needed to have a routine and it would be helpful if she helped us maintain that but she just carried on. It is the last thing you need in a haze of hormonal exhaustion so stick to your guns.

diddl · 04/11/2009 12:17

If things are so bad, I don´t get why she wants to stay with you, tbh!

Stigaloid · 04/11/2009 12:19

Yes i would. (but then i inherited by bluntness from my mother) I would certainly say - your last visit caused a lot of upset because of x y and z. We still very much want you involved in our family life, however we think it is best for all concerned that your stay in a hotel as it gets too emotive with so many people under one roof and we will be acclimatising to another member of the family and will need our space as such.

diddl · 04/11/2009 12:25

If things are that bad, I´d be v. tempted toleave the first visit until you can get to her.

mistletoekisses · 04/11/2009 12:25

YANBU

If you dont want to bring up the issues from the last visit, then just be very clear with her.

Say that she is welcome to come after the baby is born, but that invite is only extended if she stays at the hotel. And if she doesnt like that option - then she will see the baby when you feel up to it.

Dont give her the wriggle room/ be coerced into having her at your house. Your whole family are going to need the time and the space to adapt to another DC.

Sassybeast · 04/11/2009 12:33

YANBU. What Mistletoekisses said.

Meandacat · 04/11/2009 12:33

Good grief - and there was me worried about what I may have to say to my MIL when she offers to come help after the birth (which she undoubtedly will). My only concerns with this woman is that she is useless at anything domestic. She's a saint otherwise.

Can't you play on the lack of space in your house? Like Stigaloid says, remind her that there is another new addition to the household, everyone will be in a process of adjustment, feeling tired and crotchety, and you'll all need some space. Therefore of course you want her to meet baby as soon as possible but you really must insist it would be best for everyone if she could stay at the hotel. Point out that she clearly likes her sleep and this would be the best option for her too.

Poor you - hope you get this resolved.

Original poster
mosschops30 · 04/11/2009 12:45

hmm am now thinking of ways I can kidnap stigaloid and get her to talk to my mother

the houee set up at the moment is that me and dh have biggest room and baby will be in with us for a while, dd is in big room, and has a guest bed which my mum normally sleeps on and ds is in little room. The plan is to move dd into small room and then ds shares with his little brother in large room.
My mum thinks that until we move the kids rooms, that its no different to when shes stayed before.

Theres been some great suggestions on this thread thanks, I am feeling a bit better now knowing that I am doing the best for me, dh and dc's and that my mother cannot come first (as much as shed like to )

OP posts:
DaftApeth · 04/11/2009 12:52

You missed a trick, Mosschops.

When she asked to come to visit, your answer should have been ''of course. Which hotel shall we book for you?''

Maybe next time she calls, just say. Dh and I have discussed your visit and we are going to book the hotel for you. The house will be too cramped and you know how you don't like to be woken up. We insist on you staying in the hotel''

Would you pay for the hotel? Could you class it as 'your treat' to her?

skihorse · 04/11/2009 13:08

YANBU.

Here in The Netherlands we are sent a "home help" who, for 10 days will do everything needed in the house (shopping/ironing/cooking) so that YOU, partner and baby can bond. You don't need mother for that!

Original poster
mosschops30 · 04/11/2009 13:18

ooh I would love a home help

We could pay, but the two closer ones are the ones she'd prefer and are about £100pn so out of our price range.
The cheaper one (which is still very nice, toby place, like travelodge) is about £40pn.

When I said to her about hotel yesterday she said she didnt think she could afford it (this is not strictly true as shes done 2 spa weekends in the last month alone). I suggested the Toby and she said 'oh Im not staying there, it'll be filthy' Can you see what Im dealing with.
If we offered to put her up in the local 5* hotel she'd be quite happy, anything less is an insult!

OP posts:
skihorse · 04/11/2009 13:28

It's free! Part and parcel of the whole baby-deal!

You'll have enough on your plate without having to stress about her and it sounds as though your relationship is difficult enough as it is. My mother is bloody awful too - and will no doubt try and impose herself.

What about "fibbing" about the due date? "Mum, had a scan today and I got the dates wrong, it's actually not due until June 2011, so don't book your tickets until then!"

pigletmania · 04/11/2009 13:31

Just tell her that its going to be better if she stays in the hotel up the road, think of all the peace and quiet she will have to sleep and that it will be very busy at your house. Just keep telling her of the advantages of staying in a hotel and disadvantages of staying with you. My mum is very similar to yours in character, I did tell her that she could not stay a while after she showed herself up infront of the family after our dd was born over 2 years ago. I told her how i felt and that if she did not keep her views to herself and her mouth shut that she could not stay with us anymore, she is much better now and manages to control herself. She did get very melodramatic when i told her but it needed to be said, she needed to hear it like it is.

skihorse · 04/11/2009 13:33

PS. Whenever my mum comes to "visit" (i.e., tags along with my dad) - she is furnished with a list of hotels... Because I'm an "ungrateful daughter" obviously!