To ask my mother NOT to stay with us after birth of baby?

[mosschops30]

I have posted oodles of times about my mother, about how she's demanding and quite hard work.

• How she ruined my graduation day by turning it into a day about her.
• How we swore to ourselves that she could never stay in our house again after causing so much upset last time that even the dc's were in tears because they didnt know what to do or who to listen to.
• How we have asked her for Xmas but to stay at hotel 5 mins up the road, with car included and she's declined. Despite that there will be 5 of us already in impossibly small 3 bedroom house.

So she calls me and says 'oh I hope I can see the baby a couple of weeks after the birth - I dont want to wait 6 weeks or something' and I said of course, she could come down and I asked if she was gonna stay in hotel up road.
But no, she was going to stay here 'only for a couple of days'

Now I know youre all going to say that it will be a good help but you dont know my mother, it will consist of a couple of days of:

• me picking her up from station and returning her because she wont drive her own car down here
• her constantly complaining of how tired she is because when the baby wakes, it woke her up
• constant criticism of dh and why isnt he doing more
• constant comments about how silly breastfeeding is
• refusal to get up much before midday due to aforementioned tiredness, then watching re-runs on Sky Gold. So no getting up early to help with ds or walk him to school.
• every day a chorus of 'shall we go out to eat, I'll pay'! Then moaning about money spent etc

I feel really mean and a bit unreasonable, but I just think it will be unbearable and to be honest I wouldnt even want my best friend in the whole worls to stay with me when baby comes, I just want to get on with it, in my own way.

piglet we had a similar conversation after the last event (although I havent been able to say 'you are not welcome to stay again').
Her main problem is, is that she talks about all her friends interferring in their kids lives and says things like 'think yourself lucky Im not like so and so'.
So last time I said that she is just like her friends, and that when shes in our house she cannot change the rules we have, she cannot undermine us in front of the dc's and that she needs to keep quiet or not come again.
Which has clearly vanished from her head!

oh MOsschops i sympathise, my mother is quite able to say whats on her mind quite easily to people and can insult them like my dh, his siter and my ILs, but if anyone tells her about her faults she does not like it. She is constantly going on about how her friends daughter is very good she always sees her, and her friends daughers dh is so good does everything for her bully for them IMO. The trouble is, i dont drive so its more difficult to see her, she does come and stay with us every month which is the nmost we could tolerate. My mother has improved because she wants to be able to see her grandaughter, if she opens her mouth and upsets dh than she will not be able to,i would have to take the train there or get dh to drive me down to say for a few day.s

YANBU - she sounds similar to my mum, who after the birth of my first baby stayed for a whole week. The sum total of her "help" was she made me a cup of tea. I was running around after her. She acted like a spoilt child, however, at least with my own DCs I have the power of veto over them unlike my mum. She actually ruined what should have been a special time for me and DH.

Put your foot down.

jeez, no and especially not if it means moving about your existing children

you are being totally reasonable, tell her no unless she stays in a hotel, tell her no if she doesn't like the hotel, tell her no because she's a pain, tell her anything but tell her no

so is the thread unanimous?

mosschops

I have read your threads about your Mum before. You must say no and repeat this word as and when necessary.

Your Mum sounds very passive/aggressive, not just to say toxic. Problem you have is that to her its all about her, no one else to her really matters.

I agree with everyone else - just say no. Peace and quiet reasons are good, as are space reasons, but in the end she can argue with all reasons so you will just have to hold the line and direct her to the hotel pleasantly but firmly. Your family comes first - you, dh and the dcs. (I am due soon and my mother definately isn't staying after last time...)

Mosschops I have a lovely therapist who is helping me deal with various things including dealing with my mother.

So translating something people say about toddlers into dealing with our parents.

"you can't change the behaviour of your toddler parent, you can only change the way you react to your toddler parent"

how would you deal with a needy toddler? you would be reassuring, calm, but firm and you wouldn't change your stance.

We are really looking forward to the baby coming and for everyone to meet him/her. we aren't having any overnight guests for the forseeable future so once we know when you are coming we can sort out which hotel near by has space.

It sounds like this is the perfect opportunity to draw a line in the sand with your relationship with her and start afresh on terms that you are happy with.

YANBU at ALL. Be strong, stick to the hotel line.

You may kidnap me - although depends when your baby is due as mine is coming 17th Dec (EDD) so may be a big waddle to kidnap!

You just have to be firmer about saying no and making clear it is stay at hotel or don't come, same with Christmas.
It's no good giving in then whining about it, that's just behaving like a small child. Decide your terms and stick to them and have adult-adult negotiations.
You are in control here, just say no and stick to it.

Mosschops, I haven't read your other threads about your mum but she sounds like hard work .

I completely understand your concerns about her staying with you; I agree with other posters that people should only come and stay with you after the birth of a child if they come prepared to help you, not expect to be waited on hand and foot.

Is there any way you could say this to your mother in a gentle/jokey way - something like 'it's great that you want to come and meet your new grandchild, and it'd be really handy for us to have an extra pair of hands around when we've just had the baby. Perhaps we could agree what you can do to help us before you get here?'

She might actually want to feel properly involved in looking after her grandchildren and want you to give her some jobs to do to make her feel part of things?

Failing that, making it clear that she is coming to help rather than get a free holiday might be enough to keep her away for a while .

YANBU

say no, don't be afraid and stick to your guns. you don't need the extra hassle .

hi mosschops. your dilemma sounds like the opposite of what i had. mine was trying to get rid of a friend who'd allegedly come to help me with my newborn. i had seriously excellent support and advice on that thread, some of which could easily apply to your situation.

so, to paraphrase, i'd suggest that you are nice, but firm and clear about it. you dont have to make excuses, seek permission or apologise for your decision. whats paramount is the babymoon for you and your family and your need for rest, peace, stability and enjoying valuable loving time together. you should not have that potentially undermined by ANYONE - especiallyy even your mother.

could you not say something like:
"we understand that you are really looking forward to seeing the baby and dcs. it'll be good to see you; the xxx date or xxx date are good for us. we are still happy to book xxx hotel and you're still welcome to use my car while you are here. can you let us know by next week which date is best you and we'll book it."

i really understand about difficult relationships - i also have one of those with my mum. my baby will be 2 months soon and my mum hasnt seen her yet. to be fair, she lives outside the uk, but im not encouraging her to come over any time soon. round about dd's graduation would suit me! (and maybe THAT is too soon.) she was a royal nightmare after i had my ds.

YANBU. My mum is great (not perfect!) and MIL is ok (but getting worse) and I don't want them anywhere near the house after DC1 is born, and have told them that! Only after paternity leave finishes. When MIL suggested coming up to help immediately after the birth incase I'm in hospital and her DS (DH) needs her, I said NO. No way I want her in my house without me there.

Even if your mum was the best in the world, you STILL wouldn't be unreasonable not to have her to stay. It's your house, your marriage which comes first. I like the advice people have given to say "I'll book the hotel, tell me which date", giving her no other option at all. And tell her it's the travelodge, without explaining, or apologising, but just being clear and using as few words as possible.

Hope it all gets sorted out before DC arrives. x

You know that just because she invites herself to stay with you, it doesn't mean you have to let her. Just say "no, sorry, that won't work. You're more than welcome to visit, but you will need to stay in a hotel." And then stick to it. You are not required to offer a reason or defend your decision. If she starts protesting, just interrupt her and change the subject. If she is flying in and you are picking her up, make sure she goes to her hotel to check in first - once she is esconced in your house, she might not leave! (I say this because we had guests years ago that did just that - they hadn't actually booked a hotel, just SAID they did, then came to our house initially and just didn't leave. What a nightmare! Never ever again!)

wow some great advice here thanks loads

She hasnt mentioned it since, although she did say to ds (4) yesterday 'yes grandma's coming to stay soon' . Im sure she believes that she will be staying here, but after reading this thread and talking to friends I know that I have every right to say 'NO' and that we will need this time to spend together as a family and adjust to all the changes ahead.

She has been quite demanding this week, phoning for things like 'how do I put batteries in a remote' and two phonecalls about car insurance which I have ignored and shes then gone on to sort it out herself. I did say to her yesterday that I love chatting to her on the phone and having a gossip but if its other stuff like above, can she sort it, to which she replied 'oh well if I collapse on the floor I wont call you then until Im better' - just reinforces my choice to NOT have her stay with us.

(Hey Rendered Speechless - what happened in the end - how long did she stay with your brother??)

oh well if I collapse on the floor I wont call you then until Im better

Sounds about right yes, in fact if your better don't bother calling

Just book the hotel and a taxi to pick her up and take her there