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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not invite family friend to our wedding?

29 replies

readyfornumber2and3 · 03/11/2009 15:42

Dp and I have been together 5 years on 14th december and have a 3yo and 12 week old twins and have decided that its time we got married! (have been engaged since 2 months after we met!)

we have arranged a registry office wedding on 14th December and had decided to only invite immediate family (My Mum and Dad and Brother and his gf and Dp,s Mum and stepdad and Dad and stepmum)

So there will be 13 people including us and the kids.
We have found a fantastic restaurant that has a private dining room which is perfect for the reception and only seats 14 people, we have nearly everything arranged and literally just have to order the wedding flowers now.
All of it has been arranged in the last 3 weeks and for 2 of them my parents have been on holiday.

Anyway Mum went to see her friend who has been a friend of the family for about 25 years at the weekend and was telling her that I am getting married and the friend asked if she could come.
Mum asked me if it would be possible and I reluctantly agreed that she could come to the ceremony (I am not specially close with this friend and to be honest I find her hard work and a bit strange) but said there is no room at the reception .

Mum has spoken to this friend today and she is now kicking off saying that she has seen me grow up and wants to see me marry and is really upset that she isnt invited and also wanted to know why Mum and Dad havent had any say in the wedding arrangements!

I can understand that she may want to see me marry but surely its our choice who we invite?
Dps Nanna (83) isnt even invited and she understands completely that we just want a small do.

Now Mum thinks that the friend will wind my Dad up about not being invited and that he will want her invited!

I really really dont want her there but I dont want to fall out with my Dad over my wedding day!!

AIBU to not invite her?

OP posts:
louii · 03/11/2009 15:49

You haven't invited the 83 year old nanna?

Phone this friend yourself and say she may come to the ceremony but is not invited to the reception, if she doesn't like it tough luck, its your day.

How will the nanna feel when she finds out this woman is going to the ceremony, a granny is surely close family?

borderslass · 03/11/2009 15:49

no YNBU it's your wedding we got married 19 years ago and both sets of parents took over everything we hardly had any of our friends there stick to your guns.

Crapweasel · 03/11/2009 15:50

YANBU. You have decided only immediate family; if you move the goalposts once then you risk offending many other "close friends" who are also not invited.

Firawla · 03/11/2009 15:51

no way, she can't come when dp nanna has not even been able to come and you do not even like this person.
it is not up to her to decide whether she is invited or not! tell your parents be firm with her and do not pass on anymore of her wheedling. she would ruin the day for you as its so few people, then you would really notice her presence iyswim, not like if you're having 200 people then one extra doesnt really notice.
she sounds a weirdo

Original poster
readyfornumber2and3 · 03/11/2009 16:07

Dps Nanna lives nearly 3 hours away and isnt very steady on her feet and would have to stay in a hotel if she came.
She is completely fine with it and honestly doesnt mind not being invited.

Im glad Im not being unreasonable but I can see things kicking off with my parents and I certinly dont want that (its half the reason we choose immediate family only)

would I be unreasonable if I now said she cant even come to the ceremony?
DP and I dont want her there and now she has done this I can see her causing an atmosphere at the ceremony and making snide comments about not being allowed to come the the reception!

OP posts:
Hullygully · 03/11/2009 16:09

Tell your mum you don't like her and don't want her there.

MmeGuisingt · 03/11/2009 16:15

YANBU

She has a bloody cheek.

Speak to your parents again. You are not against inviting this friend personally but you want a small wedding, you have found the perfect restaurant and you are not changing things for her.

If you ask her then you would have to invite other friends, and less close family members, would you not?

cantmummyhaveabreak · 03/11/2009 16:38

i had a similar situation-small wedding, v.close relatives & friends only. DH's dad was working rather than attending our wedding, so his stepmother invited her 'friend' (a woman who worked for them who she'd known for a couple of years and DH and i had met twice). She didn't really ask, just said 'instead of your dad i've invited X along to keep me company'... DH and i were but decided to keep quiet to keep the peace- only we wish we hadn't now!!

X wanted to be included in photo's which i didn't really want, she came to the reception and SMIL only spoke to her the whole time.

Now when i see our wedding photo's and i see her in them I resent not saying anything- i cried about it when we got our wedding photo's back- more so because she's a very large woman and really doesn't make an effort- she turned up in dirty leggings and a sweater jumper!!

cantmummyhaveabreak · 03/11/2009 16:39

oops- the point to my V long post was that you shouldn't have this woman there if you dont want her there- it is your wedding and it's up to you how you do it. Not your parents, not his, you and your DH-to-be.

Have a lovely wedding day!!

dollyparting · 03/11/2009 17:05

Congratulations ready

We are getting married on 28th November and our wedding is even smaller than yours (just 2 of us and 2 witnesses).

Our family totally understand and are happy for us , however one friend is upset - she really wanted to be there.

I have had to stick to what we want - it is so important to us.

The friend is also a bit shocked that we are not inviting our parents, even though they are entirely happy, and we will be getting married with their blessings and love.

I think that you and your dp and the most important people on your wedding day. You can not be responsible for the happiness of your guests (including your Mum and Dad). If they get upset about their friend, then you have to leave it to them to sort it out.

Enjoy the next few weeks, enjoy your special family day.

displayuntilbestbefore · 03/11/2009 17:10

yanbu - she should be grateful you invited her to any part of the wedding at all- seeing as she invited herself!!!
Seeing as it was your mum she asked and not you, can't you just ask your mum to speak to her esp as she's her longstanding friend?
Hope you can resolve things in time to enjoy the run up to the day! Congratulatins!

whatreallygrindsmygears · 03/11/2009 17:18

YANBU- nip in the bud now otherwise you will get more people who need to be invited.
But no Nanna?- that's a big YABU from me -even though it was not the original question! Nannas are cool!

whatreallygrindsmygears · 03/11/2009 17:21

fair enough about Nanna- have just read the post about living a fair distance.
YANBU all round
good luck

onadietcokebreak · 03/11/2009 17:24

YANBU. It is your day and very rude of the woman to get all upset about it.

Stand your ground and have a lovely wedding day.

GhoulsAreLoud · 03/11/2009 17:24

People who kick off about whether or not they (or their kids) are invited to weddings are weird, IMO.

Some people just love to spoil for a fight, no way would I let her even come to the reception.

nickelbang · 03/11/2009 17:26

"Mum has spoken to this friend today and she is now kicking off saying that she has seen me grow up and wants to see me marry and is really upset that she isnt invited and also wanted to know why Mum and Dad havent had any say in the wedding arrangements!"

but?? you've told her she is invited! i personally think the ceremony is more important than the reception, so if she can't handle being invited to the seremony only, then she obviously doesn't care taht much about seeing you marry, does she?
stick with your guns re: reception.
and yes, i agree that you should speak to her yourself.

i also think you should video it and give a copy of it to Nanna

nickelbang · 03/11/2009 17:26

ceremony not seremony!
i've got tired hands.

WhereYouLeftIt · 03/11/2009 17:27

YANBU. In your shoes I would withdraw your permission (it was only permission - NOT an invitation) for her to attend the ceremony as well. Her sour face is not what you want at such an occassion.

Be firm with your parents and use the lack of DP's granny as a point to argue with - "It's a small wedding, even some family will not be there, it is not appropriate for you to insist that your friend should be invited. She is your friend, not mine."

mazzystartled · 03/11/2009 17:29

She is being wildly unreasonable!

Did your mum not explain that it was a tiny close family only thing?

I would tell your mum to spin her a line about it being small and discreet after having 3 kids together.

I can understand why people elope

Vallhala · 03/11/2009 17:31

YANBU - the woman is rude. Your wedding, your choice.

But....

But no DPs Nanna? If this was my Nanny I'd be arranging her collection from home be that by me, by a reliable family member or taxi if need be, paying for the best hotel and for someone to stay with Nanna overnight to keep her company and ensure she's safe...

But then again I can't do that because my Nanny isn't with me any more. She died 16 years ago this Christmastime.... and I would give anything to be in your DPs situation. He doesn't realise how lucky he is and what he will one day lose.

porcamiseria · 03/11/2009 17:32

what an awful rude woman, hold your horses and say "if Nanna cant come, she cant come too", what she thinks she has more rights than Nanna! FFS! Stay calm and cool, and your parehts should side wioth you and not her if you stay rational, but bloddy cheek

Buda · 03/11/2009 17:33

Maybe your mum hasn't explained that it is just a very small meal for family only afterwards?

Buda · 03/11/2009 17:34

I didn't mean a 'small meal"! I am sure it is a very large meal! Mind is gone awol!

alicet · 03/11/2009 17:37

Some people are totally selfcentred aren't they?

YAdefNBU to not want this woman at your wedding. I too would tell your mum that on reflection you don't want her at the ceremony either. If you want to make like easier perhaps use the excuse that dh's nana isn't coming and was fine with that given that it is immediate family only but you don't want to upset her by inviting a family friend when she (a close family member) is not invited.

I can understand that you don't want to upset your parents but they have to respect your wishes on this one and tbh sounds as though they were happy with it until your mum spoke to her friend!

alicet · 03/11/2009 17:38

Tell her that she can see the pics after!