or am I married to a horrible bastard?

[Sourdough]

DH treats me like a servant. We work together (own business) and all day he demands one thing after another. He is a very busy person too, but when he comes home he will just sit and drink beer while I cook, clean up, see to the kids, do laundry etc etc etc. He goes out to work early morning and this morning (quite typically) at 6.30 he puts all the bedroom lights on and starts asking what I have done with all his jeans - he has loads of pairs, can't find any and so on and so on. He seems to think if he's up, ,we all should be (although he will have a nap in the afternoon and crash on the sofa at about 9pm. Now - and this is not the first time - I have found a magazine of 'local horny housewives' etc in your postcode. We had a massive row where he hit me with the "well I have to get it somewhere" line. Our sex life isn't great, but we're both stressed, working too hard and I don't particularly like him when he treats me the way he does. Why should I want to fawn all over him when he's an objectionable bastard? I have threatened him that I won't be here (and neither will the kids) when he gets home tonight, but to be honest, I haven't got anywhere to go because he dragged us hundreds of miles away from family and friends as he pursued his dream. Just want to kill him at the moment.

Sorry for the rant.

Indeed it is much easier for those on the outside to give counsel. The hardest things though are to accept the counsel given and perhaps too the spirit in which it is given.

You have certainly done the right thing by deciding to go to Relate on your own. You need to talk this through with an impartial marriage guidance counsellor. You need to be brutally honest with your own self and not hold any details back at Relate.

I think your children (particularly your eldest) know far more about your relationship problems than you perhaps realise. Ongoing problems cannot be kept fully hidden from children. They are likely aware that something is amiss between you two but cannot express it readily perhaps for fear of upsetting you.

You must be prepared to fully follow through on your future actions with regards to what you decide and tell him this evening. You will only get one such chance after which time all this loses its power. If you don't follow through he will take advantage of your indecision.

Good for you sourdough, I think you're making the right choice there. My DH is nowhere near that bad but I've noticed that the more I take on at home (because I hate having a messy house) the less he does. So I occassionally stop doing his laundry. It's not to play games, it's genuinely because I don't want him to take me for granted otherwise I can see myself becoming chief drudge and even worse, my DCs taking after him and acquiring the notion that "mum does everything". Hell no!!

Stick to your guns and let us know how it pans out. I think you're being very sensible without floucing off in a strop and looking immature.

Erm, presumably he wasn't always like this. Perhaps all the working hours and reality of the kids etc has made him gradually insensitive and self-absorbed? Maybe because you just appear to cope with doing it all, he's kind of unaware of how much you need his help (don't assume men see the obvious, they often need it spelt out for them in large letters) The porn thing is unacceptable. But perhaps something has to change in your lives (working hours, time to yourselves away from house and kids once a week etc employing a cleaner if you can afford it) so that you can both relax more and work on your togetherness?

Sorry if that's way off.

My soon to be ex H was exactly like this, I was a maid and a hole to shag, and he too spent thousands on porn. Needless to say I left him 8 months ago and now live a happy life with my DD. His behaviour is unacceptable, my ex used to do the lights on in the morning thing too. Funny how now I have left he has taken on two female lodgers and the house is spotless grrrr. It will drive you insane, I advise that you get out as it just get worse.

sourdough, that sounds like a good plan

and you sound like you have a very clear message to make

excellent

now be very clear to him what the consequences will be if things do not improve

and be prepare to follow through with them

sunshinesbrightly, I think we misunderstood each other. I apologise for sounding blunt towards you, no call for that

God, sounds vile. If you divorced him he would be screwed professionally and financially. Get legal advice, present him with it and let him think on. If he doesn't want you to leave, he'll have to (at the very least) start treating you the way any normal, polite and kind man treats someone he is supposed to love.

just one last thing, sd

give up on the "french" approach to infidelity

its not "progressive", modern, broadminded, "right-on" or any of those things that men have tried to sell women

it is a clear message that it is ok for you to be cheated on and seriously blurs the boundaries of what you are prepared to tolerate, IMO

I would be re-negotiating that too

Yeah, and if women throw themselves at him they will soon find out what a complete COCK he is. But he won't be so attractive to them anyway with only half the financial assets he has now...mwah hah hah.

I live in France and I don't know a single woman who is cool with infidelity.

All my French mates would be devastated if their DH's cheated on them and vice versa.

I think the idea that French marriages are all about discreet affairs only exists in films.

Affairs are disrespectful, hurtful and damaging unless a marriage is as dittany has described and even then I think you're treading on thin ice.

As for the rest I agree with Anyfucker.

Sourdough, that sounds like a very good plan. Only through communication can you begin to find a way forward. If he truly does love and respect you, then he will listen and hear you.

One question though, what if he does not listen? What if he blames you and refuses to change? What if he refuses to move out and starts to make things difficult? What will you do then?

I'm taking the worst case scenario just so you can be prepared for it. So that you have plans. I must say that it is a refreshing change to give advice to someone who notes it and takes it onboard rather than just give example after example of his beastliness and then just sob that they are incapable of doing anything about it.

I wish you the best of luck and if you do feel able to let us know how it goes, please do.

Agree with France, I lived there for 2 years and have many friends there still, to say French people have affairs is outdated rubbish and insulting.

I think anyfucker makes a good point. Be pro-active and good luck!

OP, please come back and let us know how your 'chat' went, and good luck.

YOU MARRIED A HORRIBLE BASTARD, CHANGE THE LOCKS AND GET A LAWYER

Sourdough - how are things? I've been checking in to see how things went with your 'chat' but haven't seen you back on here? sorry to harass!