or am I married to a horrible bastard?

[Sourdough]

DH treats me like a servant. We work together (own business) and all day he demands one thing after another. He is a very busy person too, but when he comes home he will just sit and drink beer while I cook, clean up, see to the kids, do laundry etc etc etc. He goes out to work early morning and this morning (quite typically) at 6.30 he puts all the bedroom lights on and starts asking what I have done with all his jeans - he has loads of pairs, can't find any and so on and so on. He seems to think if he's up, ,we all should be (although he will have a nap in the afternoon and crash on the sofa at about 9pm. Now - and this is not the first time - I have found a magazine of 'local horny housewives' etc in your postcode. We had a massive row where he hit me with the "well I have to get it somewhere" line. Our sex life isn't great, but we're both stressed, working too hard and I don't particularly like him when he treats me the way he does. Why should I want to fawn all over him when he's an objectionable bastard? I have threatened him that I won't be here (and neither will the kids) when he gets home tonight, but to be honest, I haven't got anywhere to go because he dragged us hundreds of miles away from family and friends as he pursued his dream. Just want to kill him at the moment.

Sorry for the rant.

AnyFucker she doesnt want too leave him so it isnt even an option for her.

(or his children on a day to day actually living with them basis, obv. he would still be their father and have a role in their lives.)

I think it would give him a shock if I stayed away even for just one night. I have been ignoring his calls all day and know he'll be going out of his tiny mind atm. His biggest bugbear is not being able to get hold of people, so this will be doing his head in.

Good.

some women are happy to tolerate that kind of behaviour I suppose...each to their own. He will only love it more when you come back after a few days, victory for him.

If we do stay at a hotel tonight, what do I tell the DDs? (aged 14 and 5). DD1 will be most upset, she is very deep and perceptive. DD2 would love it but what's worrying me is that it is her birthday on Thurs and she'll want us all to be together for that.

oh dear, sourdough

playing games isn't the answer

thesunshinesbrightly, upthread the OP was seriously considering going to a Travelodge for a few days

I say, bad idea

Ignore his calls. When he's home tell him you NEED to chat, have the kids in bed, or around a friends, so it's just you and him. Tell him how you feel.

sd, seriously, what is the point of one night in a hotel for you and your kids ???

will it change several years of selfish, entitled, cocky caveman behaviour by him ??

or do you just want to play games ?

Can I ask, as an alternative to splitting up, what 'demands' you would make for the improvement of the relationship? It can be salvaged but things will not stay as they have been for far too long. He has got to treat me better and to learn that life would be more agreeable for him if he wasn't such a prick to me.

another reason to leave- if your kids see him acting like this they will think this is a nornmal relationship- which is why you said he treats you this way- as his dad treated his mum. Also if you have any dd's they may learn to accept the abuse you recieve as normal and take it themselves when they are older.

I would tell him exactly that. Then come up with some acceptable ground rules.

I really do not want to play games. I want him to realise his behaviour is intolerable but I'm not going to drag my kids through a whole lot of drama for nothing. They will not become a statistic for the benefit of our egos.

I agree re: playing games. Not healthy for the children or for you.

In that situation, I would demand that he attend Relate with you. If he refuses, go anyway, go on your own. Show him that you want to make changes and you'll do so on your own if you have to.

Sit down and talk to him. Give him the chance to hear your point of view and to change his ways voluntarily. Ask him to put himself in your role, to do all that you do during the day. Can you reach a compromise by talking? Is he able to listen and understand?

If he isn't then I would make changes by myself. I would refuse to do his laundry unless it's in the basket. He does his own ironing. If you cook, he washes, if not then it doesn't get washed.

Be prepared to live in a tip for a while until he starts to help out. If he still refuses, I would move into a Travelodge for a few days whilst he sorted the house out and I would tell him that I am considering whether there is still a future in the relationship.

If he wanted to change he would grab the opportunities you are throwing to him. If he is stubborn and refuses to change, you need to decide if you would be willing to put up with this forever, or if you are worthy of someone more deserving.

And I echo what others say about your children. They are learning a set of behaviours. How to be meek and mild and used like a doormat from you (if you have any girls) and how to be a controlling bully from him (should you have any boys).

Sourdough,

re your comments:-

"I don't want to leave him full stop, because we do have alot of great history, two fab kids and actually can have a brilliant time together".

Really?. You don't say. Am sorry for the cynicism but are you really being honest here with your own self?. You're kidding yourself if you're really thinking like this; this is denial on your part. Denial is also a powerful force.

"His dad was a selfish prick and I fear it runs in the genes. He's not like it all the time, but he is too much of the time".

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents, what did his teach him?. Its not genetic y'know.

Also what did you learn about relationships from your own parents?. Did your Mum act in such a manner towards your Dad?.

"I am a strong woman and have always stood up to him, but have made a rod for my own back by taking on responsibility for everything. He needs a wake up call because this can't go on"

No it can't and someone is going to have to break the impasse here and on a permanent basis as well. You going away with the children for a few days won;t change his attitude; he'll just enjoy your absense even more. You haven't been able to fully stand up to him and look where you are now. He has controlled you further by isolating you from family and friends.

You've turned a blind eye to it all - you have had suspicions which could well be correct that he has had an affair. Your liberal "french" attitude (actually its not really a french attitude at all but some french women do turn a blind eye to their men having affairs much to their own detriment) is costing your dearly.

You have certainly made a rod for your own back by allowing yourself to be treated like this, is this really what you want your children to see?. What are you teaching them about relationships here?. Where's your actual self respect and esteem?.

sd, if you think it can be salvaged then you have to have a serious talk about the way you expect to be treated

go out for the day/evening to somewhere neutral, without the kids and say you both have to re-evaluate what you want out of your relationship

you may find there are also triggers on his side as to why his fuse seems so short but make it clear it is not acceptable to take it out on you

I would make sure he knows that he is pushing you to the brink of leaving (and not just for a bunk on a Travelodge for one night)

I seriously would threaten him that you are taking legal advice to know where you stand in the event of a separation, otherwise he will not take you seriously

I presume you have had many "chats" before about his unreasonable treatment of you ?

He is OK for a while and then reverts to bastard mode?

Then tell him this is his last chance, but give him the opportunity to say how he would like things to be, too

You have let him get away with dreadful behaviour. This is bad not only for your self esteem but also because you have young dc who will think this is ok behaviour and any sons you have will replicate it with their wives.

So you have to change things asap.

Set out a blueprint for the future. How you want your life to be. Clearly state how you want to be treated and how (some men are sometimes too selfish to know how to behave especially if the role model in their own life was dismal).

Number the points as you would a business meeting/minutes.

Call a business meeting, present it to your dh, go through the points rationally and objectively, do not lose your temper but maintain a reasonable calm if you can.

Say this is it, how it's going to be from now on, and if he resorts to verbal/physical abuse tell him it is unacceptable behaviour and that you need him to be a good role model in your dc's life or you'll have to call it a day.

I'm glad you are a strong woman because you'll need to be not to back down.

Good luck and it does work, I've tried it. The important thing is to keep calm and reasonable even if he is not.

If he does not change then you have good grounds to leave him. There would be no point going off to a Travel Lodge without having a meeting with him first.

But you do need to get some quality time in for yourself as others have suggested. Men don't respect women they can treat as doormats so please see this as a wake up call for a healthier relationship between you both.

and don't make any threats you are not prepared to follow through

or his respect for you will plummet even further

Yes, I think it's only fair to at least give him the opportunity to change his ways.

It's a bit extreme to walk out without even discussing it.

And he must surely have some good points to balance things a bit?

I actually don't think going to Relate with him is at all a good idea given his past behaviours. He would likely not say yes to counselling and consider it a whole waste of time. If Relate is considered you actually need to go on your own.

Tit for tat behaviour is not on either. You going to a hotel for a few days with the children will not change anything between you two. You either sort it between the two of you (both of you would have to work at that and I can see no sign that he wants to actually fix anything) or legally separate.

Your children are learning about relationships from the two of you and you are both imparting them damaging lessons.

agree here with attila, sorry for being such a cynic, but he doesn't come across as the type of man that likes change. he's set in his ways.

Doubt counselling would help much, and going to a hotel for a few days won't change him or make him see sense. He'll just love it all the more when you return and carry on being skivvie.

my own parents did this shit game-playing thing for years

my dad was an abusive get

my mum would stick it for so long, then flounce off to a friends for a few weeks

unfortunately, she kept crawling back with her tail between her legs, because she didn't really want to leave him, not seriously

he just took it as carte blanche to treat her even worse

they are still together

he still treats her like shit

I lost respect for her a long time ago

if you want to give him a proper shock, I suggest you take legal advice about finances and housing then present him with it

and then tell him that he is leaving.

That was your post anyfucker.

my post,

she doesnt want to leave him so that isnt an option.

sorry if i misunderstood you post Anyfucker, i stand corrected.

yes it's frustrating when you try to help someone but they just can't see the wood for the tree, anyfucker. have been in that situation many a time with other relatives. you get fed up with it after a while when they don't take heed.

In fairness, it's much easier to dish advice than it is to take it.
I am considering going to Relate, although I know I will be going alone. As for the DDs, they don't see much of that side of our relationship. As far as they are concerned, dad works, mum works, we all live together and have good and not-so-good times. The only thing they would be exposed to is the inequality in domestic management and I don't let that pass without a good grumble - DH doesn't get away scot free. What they see is a mum who can (and does) do anything. I think that's less damaging to them than gender-specific roles and subservience, which I am most definitely not. Thanks for all the advice you have taken time to offer. It's alot to bear in mind and my plan (for now) is this:
I will not go to a Travelodge - I'm staying put.
I will sign up for Relate counselling.
We will discuss this like adults when he gets home tonight where I will tell him that I am going to take legal advice because I cannot carry on with the life I have with him currently.
The DDs will know nothing of any of this.
He will move into the spare room until matters are resolved.

We are now officially in negotiations.

I think you sould leave him now tbh. He is a waste of your time imo.