shiney...being calm is one of the things that has stopped these rages from occurring several times a day. Calm, assertive and clear.
He is already being 'punished' for consistantly not coming in on time (computer privilages withdrawn).
It was about 15/20 minutes before I left the room, he had started smashing things and if I raise my level to authoratitive, his temper escalates. He was smashing a torch and I tried to get it from him but it becomes a ridiculous wrestling match, and then he threw it at me. We then get a scenario where so much of his behaviour is out of line No, I don't know what to deal with. These incidents regularly bubble to the surface and most of them I 'manage', but when he flips like that, No, I don't have a clue how to 'bring him down'.
If I assert..'go to your room' his response is 'make me'.. I have been advised by SS that tryinbg to get him up is not on, and I can't pick him and when his Dad used to he smashes the bannister rails as he goes, or pulls cupboards over.
I have found recently that he had accessed Gay porn (hadn't got parental control as the computer is in the living room, but he had been going on when I started to fall asleep reading to DD.) I found an e-mail account that he had opened and it had mails from three men. His relationship with his Dad is a mess. His Dad, I don't know what to say, it would be a thread in itself. But he always threatens to 'quit' on DS when things get rough.
OK. DS has always been challenging. We suffered 4/5 bereavements in a few years of people DS was close to and these rages started. In front of DS, H told me I had to either give up DS for adoption or he would leave. Then backed down, butwhen these rages occurred, said things like 'do you want to end up in care?' I asked him to leave but he said he would give 100% to trying to fix the damage, but he had drinking issues. By march this year I said enough was enough and by the end of june, he found somewhere to live. Some of 'h'S rages with DS got physical, that is when I involved CAMHS and SS.
'H' threatened suicide and alsorts and it really fucked my head up. It is still monumentally fucked up and I am not overly confident, so I know I am not always as assertive as I need to be. But generally life has calmed down since 'H' left, but DFS just pushes boundaries the biggest majority of the time. It is mentally exhausting.
He doesn't get away with stuff, that is the weird thing. He knows if I say 'no', it sticks but he will challenge until he gets bored. I say things like 'I have made my decision and there is nothing more to discuss' and just get 'buts' and 'ifs . He is like a dog with a bone and if I do any kind of distaction thing, he will sneer..'I know what you are trying to do mum so don't bother'.
I will say over and over and over, 'the way you are talking to me is unacceptable, and will not achieve what you want. I want an apology' He does back down more now and it upsets him very much that he hurts me and DD, but it comes in cycles and we seem to be in one.
I really 'lose' him, where authority and reason don't connect.
Jet..'no' in any form can kick him off. However I put it when he realises he is not getting his own way, he fires up
Controlfreak, food is a massive issue, and tiredness and hunger are a bad combination. He will say he is hungry, so I say to have a Banana and he will refuse. mOney is a nightmare becuase if he has pocket money he spends it on sugary junk, but if I control that the local shopkeeper says he hassles his mates for money or to buy things for him.
I will try the books and this post is so long already.
The 'consequences' thing is hard, so much of his behaviour is challenging that if I am not careful, he would lose everything and I have been advised that this is too negative.
I do say things like 'if you don't do x or y, then you will lose computer time or pocket money' to try and give him an incentive to try harder. But this is just a constant, stream of challenges.
And when he is high and on one it is the same but he is just good natured about being obtuse. IYSWIM.
We do talk when he is calm and he agrees with me, hates being like that, is very loving to me and DD, and in his own way he tries and then something throws a spanner in the works and it is all forgotten.
The balance betwwen finding the root causes, dealing with emotions, and also having a balanced family life where he knows not to cross the line is a nightmare.
Sorry again. My head feels like it is going to explode. We were having such a fab evening, it totally blew me away.