Anger Management advice in 11 yr old PLEASE.....desparate.

[TheMitsubishiWarrioress]

This took place last night

I am desparate to stop the violent side of the rages, I am struggling to cope (I am now a lone parent),

Please, if anyone has any tips how to diffuse the rage, I would deeply appreciate it.

I 'lose' him and as he gets more and more aggressive, braking things and being verbaly abusive, my ability to remain calm and patient melts away. It is hard to watch the house being trashed without getting anxious. And then I panic and don't handle him very well.

He has been assessed for a multitude of things but is just described as challenging. Even in a good mood he can be like a hyper happy tasmanian devil.

We are seing CAMHS and SS.

i HAVE WORKED SO HARD AND MADE SO MUCH PROGRESS BUT i AM AT MY WITS END.

pLEASE, HOW DO i DIFFUSE THE ANGER? I understand he has massive feelings, but this is doing so much harm to his self esteem and DD's feelings.

Yes tilly, it is, but for the life of me, I wouldn't wish them on anyone. It is heartbreaking.

Thanks all.

I know Mits Luckily DS only has rage outbreaks about once a fortnight now, if that. But when it happens.....

And there are no apparent underlying reasons for it. Thankfully he never behaves like this at school. Does your DS lose it away from the safety of home?

Shiney, CAMHS are impressed with the progresss DS and I have made, but DS will not talk to anyone but me about his feelings as he says he doesn't trust anybody but me.

He sits in the offices a perky, bright lad and charms everybody, he has so much potential, but under the suface, I agree he is damaged.

He wants contact with his Dad, and then something goes wrong and his Dad says something shite or sends him home and the wound just festers. But without making excuses for myself, I am struggling to manage everything.

And although friends help as much as they can, my extended family are 70 miles away, my MIL is too old and at times too toxic to help and whilst I would love my mum to help as she is ace with him, my Dad is hard work and Mum is now allowed to come out without him. FFS.

Gosh, am feeling very sorry for you, sounds like a huge problem.

What did you think of the suggestion someone made about videoing one of his rages and playing it back when he's calmer? Or do you think that would just cause more aggro?

do CAMHS really 'get' how bad his rages are?

I haven't read through all of the advice but have you asked the school for help, is he due to move to high school or is he still at primary. High schools are much better able to help you, they often have mentoring schemes and teachers should be able to offer support and advice.
He needs help being taught ways in dealing with the way he feels. Have you tried the various child charitys, childline etc and also get the doctors to check his hormone and blood/suger levels.

He sounds like he is suffering from some sort of depression/anger. Have you approached the doctor? Rather than viewing this as 'bad behaviour' which implies he has some sort of choice and is choosing this - it sounds as if he might not have any choice in these outbursts.

Poor lad sounds desperately confused and desperately unhappy. No criticism intended of your parenting. You sounds like a wonderful mum - but perhaps this is outside of your control?

Is he experiencing any sort of mental trauma - confusion? He might be feeling terrified by his own feelings and thoughts. It's not unusual for children to experience some sort of emotional breakdown. So much seems to have happened to this little lad.

Mits - the whole gay thing rang alarm bells for me - have you put locks onto your pc now - just a bit worried that such a vulnerable lad might reach out to an older male through chat sites etc and put himself at risk. It does sound like you are doing the best you possibly can for him: I still think physical excersize could well calm him down a bit if you could get him there. Also, are there any support services in place for YOU and your other kids as this must be so incredibly draining.

Mits i think prettyfly's suggestion about the excercise is an excellent one. Would he take up a sport? maybe matrial arts or something similar where he can release his aggression?

Mits, dont know it any one has said this two you but is there any way you can tape one of ds' ranges and write a diary of what happened before hand so that you have evidence to show camhs and SS. In my experience (and bare in mind Camhs is a swear word in this house) they are very good and picking and choosing what they hear so if you can present them with indefutable evidence of how he is and what happens then they will 1. have to listen to the problem and 2. might be able to suggest solutions.

Does ds have any diagnosed issues? Even if he doesnt I find the book Kids in the syndrome mix (available in cheshire library so could be requested) is very good. And the tips and strategies can be used on any kid. Issues or not. there is a specifice section that I could email you on ODD and might give some ideas how to break the cycle. Poke me on FB or say you want it and i will send it over.

Also I find with ds the more he enjoys something the worse he is at the end of the day because he doesnt want it to end. We spent a lovely few days at the science festival but coming back on the second night the other people on the train must have thought i had a devil child with me. It makes you feel like you dont want to put the effort in sometimes.

Email, poke or whatever if you need a chat.

Are you SC?

Hi Mits, have you looked into Therapeutic (boarding)schools, they work closely with children with emotional disorders and offer workshops for the parents which gives them tools to help deal with the child at home? My son is at a Therapeutic boarding school, from Sunday evening to Friday evening and the changes made over the last year are outstanding. He still has outburts but has more control of himself, I can now reach out to him which before I couldn't as the rages always got in the way. I have found the workshops extremely helpful and have had to make changes myself as a parent. He just started his 2nd year with them and I hope to have him back home by next September (2010). I hope this is something you will look into :-) Smiler x

I handed this discussion and the link by Mits to my elder daughter. She thought I'd written it but had used the terms DS and age 11 instead of DD, 12, so great are the similarities between your situation and mine.

I get the same - an intelligent, polite child to most (though bullying at school has caused some rebellion and challenges to teachers), a child who can be sweetness itself to me until she erupts for no good reason. Like you, its often as a result of hearing the word NO that she flips, screaming so loudly it can be heard at the bottom of the street, swearing at me, smashing things up, the works. Nothing I can do will calm her down, the screaming and abuse, smashing, kicking and swearing can go on for hours.

And like you I am at the end of my tether. CAMHS didn't work for us, DD refused to go after a few sessions, saying they patronised her. I didn't get any feedback from them so I wasn't too disappointed to give up on them either.

Hun, I haven't the answers but you aren't alone either.

No, edam, camhs don't 'get' how bad his rages are, and I feel sometimes that they think I am barking.

I will get the doctors to check sugars etc, they have felt it is not health related but he really deserves a break.

Helloall, your post is absolutely spot on. But he has always been a bit of a monkey so the lines of inappropriate behaviour get blurred because when I have to tackle something (and I do try to be mindful of what he seems to be going through but get frustrated that simple disciplne is so tricky) it is so complicated.

PC is now dealt with. And exercise, he does nothing specific, but is a child that is walking/cycling everywhere, out with friends, I tried to get him to go to Kickboxing but he refuses because he says he thinks he would hurt me when he was angry. So I go , it is fab. He doesn't go to clubs because he isn't instantly good at things and it crushes his self confidence. We have really tried but after 5/6 weeks he really resists and I am loathe to force him to do something and make him unhappy.

Yes I am SC.

I try to be a good mum but the last few years have taken their toll and I am on AD's and having counselling, I try really hard not to let this impact on the DC's but do have days when I feel helpless and have broken down in front of him. This is bad because it makes him feel guilty and he doesn't handle guilt very well. (it makes some of us 'check' our behaviour and others it antagonises it).

Vallhalla, for you. If I make any progress I will give you a shout.

Thanks to all

I am going to find the books, get him an 'MOT' at the doctors and have given all the contact numbers to his Dad and been a bit more pushy about him doing something. I might see if I can find a tai chi class, we could do it together and it is not too 'skill based' that he would give up, and he loves doing stuff with me.

MN has been truly brilliant and sometimes just to rant, find out I am not alone, and keep me sane.
I have some close friends who are very supportive so I am getting moral support,

My counseeling will help directly help DS because it is 'humanistic' which means I will be able to help DS to help himself. Eventually. When my head is a bit better.

Thank you so so much. The panic has subsided and DS is a little calmer, I really appreciate both the chance to let off steam and the advice.

I found the big problem with CAHMS was that they were so hot on confidentiality that they never communicated with me at all. The result was that dd (who is a bright girl) was able to run rings around the counsellor, getting her to talk about the things she had experience of and never allowed anywhere near the things that were really hurting dd.

I was incredibly impressed when I spoke to the new school counsellor yesterday and she was actually willing to listen to what I said about dd's problems.

Spot on Cory. CAHMS never said a word to me - I even began to wonder in the end if DD had said I was abusing her. apologies, but I'm glad I wasn't the only mum left out of the communication loop, IYSWIM.

My DD is a bright kid too and as far as I was aware, certainly on our first visit which was together, trotted out an old complaint about moving from her friends some years back as the cause of her problems, which is honestly far from the case. She told the counsellors what they wanted to hear and like your DD, ran rings round them.... and of course had no screaming, swearing, smashing up tantrums whilst there.

Mitsibushi - so sorry you are having such a difficult time with your son. I think the gay porn thing and the e mail from 3 men is very very worrying. I know you are doing a good job of keeping calm but I think you must somehow become more assertive about the computer business because your boy is clearly at risk of being abused by these men. He is clearly confused about sexual issues and this is obviously adding to his problems.

I am a retired social worker and still work independently but not direct work with children. However I have to say that IME CAMHS rarely know how to treat children with this level of anger and very few social workers are skilled enough to deal with these kind of problems.

Could you afford to pay for play therapy for him - I know it sounds "babyish" to talk about play for an 11 year old, but it is a completely different approach to getting to the bottom of a child's anger in a very non directive way. You would need to find a good play therapist (google) and they are not cheap. Alternatively there are some very good clinical psychologists who specialise in emotional and behavioural difficulties in children. Again you could google and the lists usually tell you a psychologist's particular areas of expertise. Again it will cost but I don't know what your financial circumstances are.

You do sound like you are doing very well but need some additional support. It is of course so important to try to get to the root of this anger and confusion in your son before he hits adolescence as this phase usually exacerbates any problems.