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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

for telling DH I don't want him meeting this woman?

81 replies

CthuluForPM · 01/11/2009 14:20

My DH has been playing an character-based wrestling online game for the past 2 years while he works night shifts, and has met several good friends through it. They chat online 'out of character' and have met up as a group a few times (I don't attend).

He's become very good friends with his online tag team partner, a woman who lives abroad. He's told me (and her) that he fancies her, and she also fancies him. They've met twice face to face, once at one of the group events, where they kissed goodnight (with my and her partner's permission), and once when she and her partner came for dinner at our house.

I freely admit to being jealous of her, because I don't get to chat much with DH as he's usually asleep, and I look after our kids so am asleep when he's awake and so they talk more than he and I can. He's cheated on me before by having cybersex with another online wrestler. (We are mostly over it, and it's not trust that's the issue, more my discomfort).

He's recently stopped playing the game but has said he wants to see her again as she's become a close friend. He's also said on other occasions that he wants to cheat on me with her but won't sleep with her without my consent. I REALLY don't want him to visit or see her alone, even if it's for dinner, but wonder if I'm over-reacting, it just makes me feel really uncomfortable.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 01/11/2009 17:31

where has the OP gone ?

cherryblossoms · 01/11/2009 17:34

I'm agreeing with Reality and AF.

It's all very well calling it liberal or having an open relationship but only if you are both OK about that.

Analyse the power-flow in your relationship. If the power is all on your dh's side (and it sounds from your post that this is so, ) then it's not open or liberal, it's just you getting squashed with a veneer of bohemian/utopic language to obscure that fact.

Analyse why you are uncomfortable about your dh's behaviour. If everything really was even-stevens you probably would be cool about it all. but there are basically alarm bells ringing in your head.

Either you essentially want a monogamous relationship - and if you do, and he doesn't, that doesn't make you wrong, just different, (and don't be bullied into submission by talk of how uncool and reactionary you are being, your feelings/beliefs are valid,) and you may well have to come to some sort of MUTUAL compromise on that.

Or, your alarm bells are picking up on the fact that, actually, all things are not equal in your relationship and the language of utopic honesty and equality and freedom and ... whatever, is just words.

And that's a separate issue, which will also have to be discussed.

Nahla · 01/11/2009 17:41

How old are you both?

thesecondcocking · 01/11/2009 17:43

AF i reckon she's putting on her zelda warrior princess costume in preparation for some cybersex with a warlock in hemel hempstead...

Jamieandhismagictorch · 01/11/2009 17:44

He's already investing a lot of emotional energy and time in this woman, and he fancies her, so is he not already having an affair ?

He's also said on other occasions that he wants to cheat on me with her but won't sleep with her without my consent.

He's effectively asking for your consent to have sex with her now.

but wonder if I'm over-reacting, it just makes me feel really uncomfortable ?

I suspect it makes you uncomfortable because you don't want him to have sex with her.

Wake up. (sorry to be blunt)

AnyFucker · 01/11/2009 17:53

tsc, maybe

LadyEvenstarsCauldren · 01/11/2009 18:00
Hmm
Mummee · 01/11/2009 18:21

I'm sorry but I think this is funny... why get married if you want an open relationship? Marriage is meant to make you one woman man and vice versa.

I think you have enough facts in front of you to decide what to do. The fact that you are questioning means you have issues with the set-up.

This is just a question to SAHM 'does not bringing homw an income make you more susceptible to accepting rubbish behaviours?'

magazinefiend · 01/11/2009 21:39

I bet hes already had sex with her, just wants to see if he can legitimise it with you. I think its all rather hurtful and you are being played.

crankytwanky · 01/11/2009 22:39

As claw says, if you are honest with each other, and I quote, "We have a policy of absolute honesty", why are you worried about telling him how you feel?

Or is only one of you allowed to be absolutely honest?

It is not unreasonable for a woman to want her husband to be faithful.

This is RL, and that woman has no claims on him. It's supposed to be virtual reality! If he can't seperate the two, he has a problem.

LadyEvenstarsCauldren · 01/11/2009 22:46

putting it basically he wants you to continue doing the childcare and daily running of the home while he sits in a cyber world wanking over some fellow saddo who wants to recapture their lost youth. And then to add insult to injury he wants you to consent to him going off and shagging another woman while you are sat at home with the children....

well i know where in my life he would be by now..........nowhere because I would have chucked him out.

monkeysmama · 01/11/2009 23:01

Read Cherryblossoms' post a few times. It's very good, non judgemental & might give you some useful food for thought/arguments. I'd really think about her post.

Fwiw imE, open relationships are overrated.

sandcastles · 01/11/2009 23:14

"Although he said he wants to cheat, it doesn't follow that he will"

Hmm, very dodgy this! Of course it follow through that he will, ha has done so before.

He has no boundaries, no respect for you or himself for that matter (not that that bothers me)

Dh & I have an honest relationship, however it would be a cold day in hell before either of us asked permission to kiss another person, because it would be an unacceptable breech of our wedding vows!

And I don't think you are reacting enough, let alone over reacting!

Mummee · 01/11/2009 23:16

"We have a policy of absolute honesty",

Doesn't make the deed right.

You also mentioned something about permission to kiss...HONESTLY!!

Been kissed as greeting by hubby's friends in his presence never been any permission asked and it's not even part of my culture and upbringing.

TigerBitesAgain · 01/11/2009 23:19

well, if I was married to a man who was obsessed with online wrestling games, I'd be quite pleased if he cleared off. Frankly.

LadyEvenstarsCauldren · 01/11/2009 23:20

Tiger.....it is a tad odd isn't it lol.

AnyFuleKno · 01/11/2009 23:22

my patience has been Extended in reading this post

Mummee · 01/11/2009 23:23

LOL Tiger would you then feed your kids with your new found independence?

TigerBitesAgain · 01/11/2009 23:29

well I could feed my kid with or without a man, thanks, Mummee: who's independent from whom? However, I would be quite worried about an online wrestling obsessed partner, in the scheme of things.

Mummee · 01/11/2009 23:39

Tiger maybe that is the difference otherwise why put up with such crap

AnyFuleKno · 01/11/2009 23:44

I need my dh's wage but I wouldn't put up with those sort of shenanigans (nor would he from me)

applepudding · 01/11/2009 23:49

Well forgetting the strange thing about the online wrestling games - my DH has in the past got chatting to other women in normal on-line chat rooms.

Something like that can start of as an innocent chat (e.g. about music as in my DH case) but it is so easy for it to move into something that it shouldn't be. This is what happened with my DH who was also arranging to meet up with somebody.

It didn't happen, as I found out and told him plainly that if he did meet this woman I wouldn't be there when he came back. I meant it, and he knew that. He stopped using the chatrooms and we are OK now.

This is what you need to do,Cthulu.

AnyFuleKno · 01/11/2009 23:58

troll

BitOfFun · 02/11/2009 00:27

Aren't you going to Extend the benefit of the doubt, AF?

AnyFuleKno · 02/11/2009 00:32

Well, I wouldn't want OP to end up as a Loneparent