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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to be shocked and hurt by my friend's behaviour? (long but please let me know what you think-I'm confused)

56 replies

gobsmackedetal · 31/10/2009 03:24

OK, gonna change the facts a bit here (locations and names) but basically here goes: I live in..err.. france, let's say na hour's drive from paris. I have a spare flat just two floors away from the one I live with my husband and children, too old to be rent out, we're too skint to do it up atm (plus it's basically my brother's who lives in HK). I have this friend in London, who I liked since we first met. Didn't have the chance to hang out a lot, we moved from london soon after ai met her but we kept in touch on-line.

Seing that they're moving to OZ soon (my friend, her husband and dc) and we won't see them again for a very long time, I suggested (admittedly insisted) that they come to visit us, they could stay in the spare flat so it wouldn't cost them as much and started making plans about things we could do all together. DH and I were so happy, both took the week off, pulled the kids out nursery, to have a lovely week with our lovely friends. Also, the flat was in a state, so I spent over 100euros on cleaners and over 8 hours of my personal time making it viable for them to be comfortable in.

So they come, we started going places and doing things, I discovered that her dh is a bit grumpy, but didn't bother me, I was just carrying on as normal. Then they said they wanted to spend the day in paris, on their own. I thought "fair enough, they probably need some space to be a family". I go to see them this morning with a map and train times and details of thigns they could do, plus offering lifts to and from the train station, and all I get from her dh is "don't worry about us, we're experienced travellers". Well, yeah, but you're also my guests, and I actually said that it's nice to spend time together, isn't that why they're here? And that I though we're all having a good time. He said "are we? you don't seem so. Certainly your dh is very grumpy". I was in tears, but thought that when they came back things will be better.

Got a text in the evening saying "sorry we're staying in paris and we'll make our way to the airport (on sunday). we felt we overstayed our welcome".

So basically they knew they'd do that, they pakced all their stuff and took with them and didn't say anything. When I called her she said how her dh felt my dh was patronising and talking down to him and seeming unintersted they were here, so it all got awckward! So they're now in hotel and they're staying there.

Now, my dh is pleasant and chatty and drove them everywhere and worked so hard last week to take this week off to ba available for them. I honestly didn't see any of this behaviour.

Let's assume though that what she's saying is true. AIBU to be shocked and hurt that they pakced and left and didn't climb the two flights of stairs to say goodbye? Is this normal behaviour?

OP posts:
mummamango · 31/10/2009 03:37

Sounds like it's a good thing they're moving to Oz!

MrsKitty · 31/10/2009 03:37

YANBU. They've been ungrateful, cowardly and frankly quite childish.

Ispy · 31/10/2009 03:40

YANBU to be hurt. Not normal behaviour. Your friend's dh sounds like a very controlling man.

Original poster
gobsmackedetal · 31/10/2009 04:41

thanks for the replies guys, I'm pleasantly surprised to find people on-line at this time of the night :-)

OP posts:
TombliBOOOOOObs · 31/10/2009 07:16

Her DH sounds a bit strange. Don't let it bother you, or question your own DH, you were there, you saw how he was.

People don't behave like that, sneaking off! You are better off without them, could be worse they could have stayed and never gone home

steaknifethroughtheheart · 31/10/2009 07:27

You sound lovely and like you made lots of effort.

Sounds like came with different expectations of the visit. But yes v rude of them to sneak off like that.

ChunkyKitKat · 31/10/2009 09:10

So you didn't really know her that well and didn't know her husband at all before they stayed in your flat.

At a guess I would say it's her dh not her problem, and his reaction to your dh is tied up with other problems he has, and somehow felt inferior.

Not being AIBU at all though, but the dynamics between you didn't work at all. It sounds like they don't like being organised at all, but they should recognise how helpful you were being. Their loss!

ChunkyKitKat · 31/10/2009 09:11

YANBU

diddl · 31/10/2009 09:20

YANBU to be upset.

I´m sure you had good intentions, but perhaps you came over as overbearing?

Some people like tomake their own decisions when visiting others, and perhaps the fact that they were in your flat made them feel as if they couldn´t say no, so it was easier toleave.

addictedtosuckingblood · 31/10/2009 09:24

yanbu to be upset, but make the most of the cleared days and spend today as a family.

they are definatly being ungreatfull

IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern · 31/10/2009 09:29

YANBU

It sounds to me like they came there thinking oooh fab cheap holiday, they'll be at work all day we can check in for an evening or 2 for a meal but do what we want and were pissed off that they weren't getting a cheap holiday after all and that ooh shock horror you actually wanted to spend a bit of time with them.
They sound rude and ungrateful.
God if you put me and my family up i'd be happily organised and shown the sights.

bigchris · 31/10/2009 09:34

yanbu

I'd let the friendship slide now

cornsilk · 31/10/2009 09:44

Could her dh be a bit jealous?

kando · 31/10/2009 09:53

YANBU. Don't think I'd be continuing with that friendship - online or otherwise!

EmsieRo · 31/10/2009 09:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thelunar66 · 31/10/2009 09:59

Rude and ungrateful. YA so NBU

2rebecca · 31/10/2009 10:19

YANBU, but to be honest if a friend staying with/ near me said they wanted to spend the day on their own I wouldn't go round and bombard them with stuff, but would take it as a hint they wanted some space, which is reasonable, a week is a long time to spend with a couple you hardly know, as it doesn't sound as though you'd spent alot of time with this friend in the past.
I suspect you and they had different holidays in mind. They possibly didn't realise you were taking the week off and may have planned stuff together expecting to just see you on the evening or for 1 or 2 days and maybe felt stifled by your attentions.
In retrospect maybe chatting to your friend about what sort of things they wanted to do and suggesting you and DH spend some time with them would have clarified things.
Different if you all book a holiday cottage together, then you expect to be together, but even then couples often split up some of the time and do their own thing.
Also just because you and your friend get on doesn't mean your spouses will.
I'd hate to spend a week with some of my husband's friends' wives and would be disappointed if they offered us the use of a flat and then unexpectedly came everywhere with us all week.
Being rude about your husband was unnecessary, but it sounds as though you pushed them for reasons as to why they didn't want to spend every day with you rather than taking the hint they wanted some space.

Twintummy · 31/10/2009 10:28

YANBU. They sound awful.

Georgimama · 31/10/2009 10:28

I think you sound a bit strange to be absolutely honest. You admit you insisted they come and stay, you expected them to spend all their time with you and then when they said they wanted to spend a day on their own, you still went round trying to organise them. And that's your version. If I were this woman I'd have been terrified that I was being Single White Femaled.

kitkatcadaverqueen · 31/10/2009 10:32

You sound lovely You wouldn't like to rent it out for the 1st 2 weeks in august would you???

EightiesChick · 31/10/2009 10:48

YANBU. It seems like the two families had very different expectations - to put the kindest possible gloss on it (cough, freeloaders). However, nothing excuses the rudeness of that last conversation and leaving in the way they did. Keep her as an online distant friend in future if that. Sounds like it's handy they are moving to Oz though.

MorrisZapp · 31/10/2009 11:50

Agree with georgimama. This is why I never, ever stay in other people's houses if it's in any way avoidable.

I can't bear the loss of privacy.

And when I have houseguests, I bend over backwards to make sure that they have as much privacy and time without me as they want, without having to be made to feel embarrassed about it.

ADealingMummy · 31/10/2009 11:56

YANBU , They have absolutely no manners .

wannaBe · 31/10/2009 12:05

agree with georgimama too. You sound quite overbearing actually.

I would find it strange if some woman I hardly knew had insisted I come over and spend a week with them and it turned out they had all taken the time off to spend the entire week with us and even when we wanted time to ourselves came round and tried to continue the control.

I suspect the comments made were actually excuses so they could get away.

Conundrumish · 31/10/2009 12:25

I am someone who needs privacy and independance and I couldn't holiday as you have described for a week without going slightly potty. I suspect your friend and her DH are similar and just found it too much. They probably thought you'd try and persuade them to stay if they tried to say good-bye.