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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

...to be shocked and hurt by my friend's behaviour? (long but please let me know what you think-I'm confused)

56 replies

gobsmackedetal · 31/10/2009 03:24

OK, gonna change the facts a bit here (locations and names) but basically here goes: I live in..err.. france, let's say na hour's drive from paris. I have a spare flat just two floors away from the one I live with my husband and children, too old to be rent out, we're too skint to do it up atm (plus it's basically my brother's who lives in HK). I have this friend in London, who I liked since we first met. Didn't have the chance to hang out a lot, we moved from london soon after ai met her but we kept in touch on-line.

Seing that they're moving to OZ soon (my friend, her husband and dc) and we won't see them again for a very long time, I suggested (admittedly insisted) that they come to visit us, they could stay in the spare flat so it wouldn't cost them as much and started making plans about things we could do all together. DH and I were so happy, both took the week off, pulled the kids out nursery, to have a lovely week with our lovely friends. Also, the flat was in a state, so I spent over 100euros on cleaners and over 8 hours of my personal time making it viable for them to be comfortable in.

So they come, we started going places and doing things, I discovered that her dh is a bit grumpy, but didn't bother me, I was just carrying on as normal. Then they said they wanted to spend the day in paris, on their own. I thought "fair enough, they probably need some space to be a family". I go to see them this morning with a map and train times and details of thigns they could do, plus offering lifts to and from the train station, and all I get from her dh is "don't worry about us, we're experienced travellers". Well, yeah, but you're also my guests, and I actually said that it's nice to spend time together, isn't that why they're here? And that I though we're all having a good time. He said "are we? you don't seem so. Certainly your dh is very grumpy". I was in tears, but thought that when they came back things will be better.

Got a text in the evening saying "sorry we're staying in paris and we'll make our way to the airport (on sunday). we felt we overstayed our welcome".

So basically they knew they'd do that, they pakced all their stuff and took with them and didn't say anything. When I called her she said how her dh felt my dh was patronising and talking down to him and seeming unintersted they were here, so it all got awckward! So they're now in hotel and they're staying there.

Now, my dh is pleasant and chatty and drove them everywhere and worked so hard last week to take this week off to ba available for them. I honestly didn't see any of this behaviour.

Let's assume though that what she's saying is true. AIBU to be shocked and hurt that they pakced and left and didn't climb the two flights of stairs to say goodbye? Is this normal behaviour?

OP posts:
Heated · 31/10/2009 12:29

It sounds as if you were so keen to be good hosts that you have swamped them a bit.

However, their rudeness is the much greater offence.

BalloonSlayer · 31/10/2009 12:31

Wanabee, if you "would find it strange if some woman I hardly knew had insisted I come over and spend a week with them " then presumably you would decline the invitation?

The OP makes it clear she asked them to "visit us" ie spend time with them.

Sounds to me like the "friend" wanted to see you but persuaded her reluctant husband (reluctant as he'd never met you) by saying "It's a free flat, and we won't have to see much of them if we don't want to."

OP, agree they are rude. Would forget them if I were you.

Jajas · 31/10/2009 12:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lovechoc · 31/10/2009 12:50

YANBU. you invited them over and were being hospitable towards them but it got thrown back in your face. Good riddance to them I say. Off to Oz with ye!

6feetundertheGroundhogs · 31/10/2009 13:00

Oz isn't far enough away for them to be honest...

YANBU, what a fabulous host you were, shame it was wasted on low class people like them.

Forget them, totally. they are not worth it.

TheDevilEatsBabies · 31/10/2009 16:37

yanbu because they were rude about it.

so what if you were being overbearing and intrusive?

there are better ways to deal with that than "oh, we don't like your hubby so we're leaving"
your friend should have said, "thanks for everything you've done for us, but we'd like a couple of days just us, so that we can explore the city on our own and find our own things to do, really, you don't need to worry about organizing something, it'll be fun to be spontaneous."

what's so hard aboutthat???

Conundrumish · 31/10/2009 21:59

Had another think about this. Though I personally would have found it suffocating, I think they were very and unnecessarily rude.

gobsmackedetal · 02/11/2009 13:38

hi all, thank you for your responses.

We went away for the weekend instead of sitting here and being upset about it all. I'm glad we did coz now it seems like it's all a million years ago. She texted me last night to say they've arrived home safely and she'll email me tonight.

I have now thought about it all with a clear mind, I know we were not overbearing and they were simply rude and I've decided they are not worth my tears. Good ridance indeed.

Thanks again everybody, you've all really helped me with your thoughts

OP posts:
Conundrumish · 02/11/2009 17:28

Do tell us what she said in her e-mail. She does sound slightly barking ...

gobsmackedetal · 03/11/2009 09:03

A little update (and some advice seeking) for anyone still following this.

Said friend emailed me and she was saying how her husband wasn't enjoying the holiday because he felt that my dh was lecturing him about stuff he knew nothing about and was making him mad. Also that when we said that we wouldn't go with them on their day trip he thought we didn't want to hang out with them anymore and he wanted to leave.

She apologises a lot for leaving the way they did and the whole of the email is "my dh felt this and said that" rather than "we felt that...". Plus she mentions she knows we were trying to give them some space, but her dh took it as us not being interested in them being here.

Then she thanks me for all we did for them and hopes we can forget about the last bit.

WWYD? On one hand I feel sorry for her, as her dh obviously has issues socialising and it seems that it was all him. On the other hand, she's a big girl, she could have told me they're leaving. I think sneaking off the way they did (in such a flurry theat they left some of theur son's clothes and their shades in out flat) was inexcusable.

Was she afraid of her dh's wrath if she came to say goodbye? During the days we spent together I often felt that he was being unreasonable about simple thing and she was biting her lip, probably for the sake of peace. So she was obviously forced into leaving this way.

I don't know what to do. Do I respond? And say what? "yeah, don't worry, all good?", or "your dh is a prick and I know you're scared of him", or "grow up and take responsibility for your own actions?". I don't want to turn this into an email argument, it's childish and pointless. I can't write though and say it's all good when she's hurt me.

WWYD?

OP posts:
bigchris · 03/11/2009 09:10

if you want to be friends with her still and given sge is in Oz now isnt it a bit of a non issue? i'd say 'forget it, water under the bridge' and leave her to contact you next

SHRIIIEEEKPoolingBearBlood · 03/11/2009 09:12

could your dh have come across as a bit lecturing?
personally I'd get back with "no problem, good luck with the move" or something like that

MadameDuBain · 03/11/2009 09:20

Her DH sounds really difficult and unreasonable.

My DP is a bit grumpy at times and doesn't like some of the friends I've had to stay. One male friend I've known since college occasionally comes on business trips and stops over, and I know my DP finds him too chatty, patronising and thinks he tries to "outparent" him with DS. BUT my DP is polite and would never show his irritation or get in a huff. He just has a moan to me afterwards.

Even if you did annoy them in whatever way, it's obvious you didn't mean to and they should have been nice for a few days, it's not that hard - and they did have their own space too.

I would just reply to your friend and say you had the best of intentions so you did feel a bit upset and are sorry she didn't feel she could be honest with you. But, she's off to Oz, so leave it there. There are better friends than this.

alicet · 03/11/2009 09:24

agree with madamedubain.

I would also say that if you wish to stay friends with her this is def a friendship to keep to women only rather than trying to be friends as families. Always assuming that you ever see her again anyway given that she is moving to Oz

thesecondcocking · 03/11/2009 09:29

2 grown up women falling out/having heated debate about the others perception of their husband is probably not the best use of anyones time...
maybe her husband is a bit weird?
maybe yours is a bit 'boorish\domineering'
end of the day it's not them that are meant to be friends, maybe if you need to mix again you do it without your families although given the distance between you it's not that big of a deal.
I have a lovely dp,not at all weird and i LIKE boorish and domineering...so, Paris you say...

EyeballsintheSky · 03/11/2009 09:40

I wouldn't bother tbh. Email back and say sorry your holiday ended that way. Good luck and have a nice life in Oz. She might be nice but not nice enough to have a few manners. Have reread your op and you sound lovely. They sound like knobs.

senua · 03/11/2009 09:46

Agree with alicet: keep the friendship on a woman-to-woman basis and leave the husbands out of it. Say something bland in the email.

It's probably a case of horses for courses. I would love a holiday where locals showed me the real France-or-wherever-it-was with all the flavour, colour, history etc but it obviously wasn't their idea of a holiday. Agree with whoever said it earlier: next time, agree 'ground rules' before inviting people over.

GibbonInARibbon · 03/11/2009 09:57

For me the way they left would sour the friendship I had with that person. I would send a short, polite mail back wishing them all the best in their new life. I would not even address the issues she raised tbh. Would leave it as a one line mail.

If however you want to continue the friendship then at least be honest with just how hurt you were.

Good luck

EyeballsintheSky · 03/11/2009 10:21

Ah but the OP said she'd changed some details. Bet she lives just outside Kidderminster...

bellissima · 03/11/2009 12:07

Aah but she was careful enough to mention euros. And I suppose we must assume that the friend (ex-friend?) and hub are now off somewhere reasonably remote. I think a fairly neutral one liner, thanks for your email hope the move goes well, would allow you to reflect on future contact. If it's any help (and of course we don't have this level of detail) if this involves DHs from different countries then, as someone with 'furrin' relatives etc I think that social signals can be even harder to spot and upsets perhaps more likely.

yellowflowers · 03/11/2009 12:15

whether they were having bad time or not - cowardly and rude not to say goodbye and to tell you they were leaving. Best off out of that friendship I think. I would send a note to them too explaining all of this because otherwise they will do the same to the next lot of new friends. urgh.

gobsmackedetal · 03/11/2009 14:43

I just emailed back with a one-liner, basically saying all good, good luck, might see you on facebook. My hand was a shaky as I hit "send", but I think I can now take a deep breath and leave it all behind me. PHEW!

OP posts:
thesecondcocking · 03/11/2009 14:51

bless you-there's no point in having a barney via email over your husband/my husband issues.

2babyblues · 03/11/2009 14:51

You did the right thing, you can forget about it now!

I think it sounds like you and your husband made a huge effort for them and your friend's husband was strange. Sounds like she was scared of him.

Don't change the way you are because of them. Just be careful who you choose as friends in the future.

WebDude · 05/11/2009 15:57

Sorry, not sure where the "overbearing" criticisms came from - if you have the info to hand about helping them with their (apparent) "day trip" then being willing to assist is all you were doing. As for them wanting some privacy - if they wanted a day or two to explore/ have quiet time, they surely could have just said, not packed up and left "in secret", never to return... seems churlish to me.

Sorry to hear that despite your efforts, spending to clean up the flat, taking time off work, your friend and her DH.

As for that text, well, that's just puzzling to me - last opportunity to see each other for possibly 10 years (guess!) and they say they "overstayed their welcome" ? Baffling.

Sounds to me as if you bent over backwards to try to have a good time, but her DH clearly didn't see it quite so enjoyable.

Don't worry - you did what you could, and it didn't match expectations, somehow... YANBU