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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Do you ever address another child's behavior when the parent is there but not doing anything?

59 replies

eleanorsmom · 29/10/2009 21:32

I was at Mamma Mia a few days ago with dd. My chair was continually kicked during the first half by the child behind. I did the sideways look a few times and her mother told her to stop once, but it continued and a few times I even sat forward in my seat because it was so uncomfortable. At the end of intermission the kicking started again (just before the lights went down) so I turned around, caught the kid's eye (she was 8, maybe 9 or 7) and said "please don't kick my seat, it's very uncomfortable." The mother went ballistic - i ruined her child's birthday, she wasn't really kicking she was just bopping to the music, I should have switched seats so my dd was in the one in that chair (!), no one should ever talk to a child only the parent, etc. I pointed out that she was the one causing a commotion on her child's bday, and that made it worse. So I just turned around, whispered to my dd that the woman was a little crazy, and waited for the lights to go down. reasonable or unreasonable?

OP posts:

pigletmania · 30/10/2009 08:13

the mother was not going to do it so why not the op, why sit through 2 hours of constant kicking ruining the show that you paid good money for.

Bucharest · 30/10/2009 08:19

Definitely NBU.
We should all do it more often and change the world!
Takes a village and all that.....

(the same child sits behind me on every fecking flight I ever take)

And you'd think the mother would just be mortified and apologetic rather than shouty and high horsey wouldn't you? I would be.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 30/10/2009 08:51

Takes a village and all that.....

yes, but many of them are idiots ...

pigletmania · 30/10/2009 08:53

I would be totally apologetic and sorry if my dd behaviour was not very good.

troutpout · 30/10/2009 08:57

yanbu
did the kicking stop after the interval though?

gorionine · 30/10/2009 09:02

YANBU in that situation I would have done the same. You were asking a child to stop a behaviour that was physically distubing you.

I would not comment on children behavour if I was just witnessing it IYSWIM rather than being the "victim" of it as you were!

minxofmancunia · 30/10/2009 09:11

yanbu I really try hard not to do this but have had to on 2 occassions recently.

In John Lewis cafe, trying to bf ds and a girl of about 6/7 was continually rocking backwards and forwards behind me in her chair ramming my chair closer to my table and nearly squashing poor ds! Asked her politley twice to stop/move her chair in a bit but to no avail, mother did nothing .

2nd time in pizza express with friends dcs (he's a weekend dad after quite a nasty break up with his ex dp and doesn't like to "spoil" his time with them by telling them off), they were screaming and banging cutlery on the table, I was desperate for ds to stay asleep in his pram an also embarrassed by their behaviour, other diners wern't too impressed! Asked them politley to stop so as not to wake the baby, friend didn't see anything wrong with what they were doing .

an unfortunate fact of life i'm afraid although no less annoying when you have to do it.

Bumperlicioso · 30/10/2009 09:13

I've never had anyone tell my daughter off, she's a bit young still, but I can imagine if there was some reason that someone felt the need to tell her of I'd be pretty embarrassed and probably defensive. I hope, though, that I would be able to say to DD 'well that's what happens when you are naughty and don't listen to mummy'. It's not very realistic to teach children that only mummy can tell them off and not to respect other people's opinions.

girlsyearapart · 30/10/2009 09:15

Yanbu very irritating and those shows cost a lot of money!

Same kind of thing happened to us in the summer. We were out playing in sandpit where lots of toy spades/buckets etc had been left out for the kids to play with.

My dds who were nearly 1 and 2 and friends dd nearly 2 were happily playing when another older child 4/5 came and snatched toy out of one of their hands.

Friend said to child ' Sorry darling she was playing with that can you let her have it for a bit longer please?' in a very child friendly tone.

Mother said 'Actually it's his from home'
'Ok sorry didnt realise here you go.' we said to the Mum.

'Don't you speak to my child like that' says the Mother referring to original comment.

Left us both and friend stressing out that she'd been mean to another child.

Some people..

pigletmania · 30/10/2009 09:23

girlsyearapart i am shocked at that mums behaviour. i would have said if i were the mum, thats ok you were not to know and leave it at that. Is it any wonder why some childrens manners are appaling, dragged up not brought up at all!

Jamieandhismagictorch · 30/10/2009 09:29

Bumper You are right, when someone does tell your child off the immediate reaction can be to feel a bit embarrassed and defensive, but I also agree with you that a child who has never been disciplined by anyone else is going to get a big shock/be a huge pain in the arse at school.

I am a great believer in collective responsibility for children, but I am very careful to be extra gentle if I speak to another child. I once mis-judged my tone when DS1 was a toddler and got karate kicked by a 4 year old (an accident) - floods of tears from the boy , mum nowhere to be seen, so I ended up having to shut him up comfort him.

TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied · 30/10/2009 09:30

YANBU- you've paid for a seat the same as she has so why should you put up with it. And why on earth should your DD suffer because hers is a spoilt brat!!

Well done for telling her, I hope you had a right go at her mum, too.

How stupid of her.

toilettrouble · 30/10/2009 09:50

YANBU. On Monday I was in TK Maxx, snatching a few minutes of off-time and peacably riffling through the discount cashmeres (tip: Johnstons, the John Lewis/net a porter make, now reduced).

As I made my way merrily up the aisles, a blonde toddler, who was doing laps round them, crashed into me and kept on running. Every lap she made, I was smacked, hard, in the legs.

I moved. Crash again. Then I used the eyebrow. Thunk. Wispy Clapham mother did nowt. On about the sixth blow, I faced the kid and said "Stop it." She looked up in awe. "Stop hurting me." I said calmly "Now."

Wispy mouthed "thank you" and removed the babe. I limped off, satisfied. But why did I have to do that in the first place?

BrokkenHarted · 30/10/2009 09:51

i dont know pigletmania to be honest, something i always had in my head. I would prefer if someone had a problem that they say it to me, not my son. having said that i would clip him round the ear if he did that.

Again i suppose OP didnt exactly yell at the child...... yes I think i was wrong.

TBH i have never been in such a situation.

cancantcan · 30/10/2009 12:58

YANBU, mother probably thinks the school teachers have no right to discipline her precious one either.
I'm not against any child doing what kids do, but the bottom line is, if it is causing anyone else a problem, or potentially damaging something, then I dont allow my kids to do it.
If anyone ever had to comment on my childs behaviour, I wouldnt be angry, I'd be bloody mortified and hang my head in shame.
And yes, I am a miserable old hitler.

pigletmania · 30/10/2009 14:59

Well brokenhearted i think that its good for a child to know when they did wrong not only from their parent but other people if their behaviour is causing nuisience to another person (sp). what does your child do at school if they do something wrong and your not there to correct them. If my dd behaved in such a way that annoyed someone else, i would not mind the op to correct them not in a shouty scary fashion but in a constructive way.

pigletmania · 30/10/2009 15:00

Its not like as if they are a very young child, the child in question was about 8/9 so why should they not be corrected over their behaviour.

giveloveachance · 30/10/2009 15:15

There was an article in the times the other day on this very issue - ie a child misbehaves but the parent will not support the adult who has told the child off - in the case of the article it was relating to teachers not being supported by parents.

it starts like this, and extends to all areas where the child meets discipline or censure if the parents/carers don't support the authority of responsible adults - especially in front of said offending child - then the child will have no respect for discipline themselves and wont be able to regulate their own behaviour.

Usually i also try the everso nicely softly softly approach when confronted with this type of situation. don't want to be seen as over reacting and feeling the wrath of the affronted / defensive parent. But the other day at a play park with a bouncy castle the same boy (approx 8) deliberately bounced on my lo (2) 3 times, the first 2 times I asked him nicely to be more careful and moved lo away to another part of the boucny castle, on the third go - I went into no nonsense teacher mode got up and said that is enough, get off the bouncy castle right now and apologise!!!! Amazingly he did. I was a bit shocked at my forcefullness but I was not about to have my lo scared and / or hurt again. Everyone around us turned round and it went eerily quiet for a bit, but no parent came up to claim him!

junglist1 · 30/10/2009 15:24

I used to defend my younger son, but not any more. On the occasions he doesn't listen to me, someone else might end up telling him, and that's fine. Usually it embarrases him into stopping. But the difference is I am actually telling him.

girlsyearapart · 30/10/2009 17:37

piglet yes I agree particularly since it was in a town centre and was an 'unexpected' sandpit which had been set up so no one else had their own toys with them..

junglist it's good that you're telling your boy think that's generally what people want to see but sometimes it does take someone else to make them listen doesn't it? Apparently my two are little angels when they're with other people..

AliGrylls · 30/10/2009 17:58

2 YAMBU's one from me and one from DH.

If children aren't dealt with directly they never learn how to behave.

oldraver · 30/10/2009 18:25

Ooh this is odd as I had a similar incident yesterday

I went with DS to clothing store to look for soem tights and so he could ride Thomas. Walking into the shop I could see two children on but not 'riding', the older boy was hanging off the side and rocking the machine backwards and forwards. I had look round the shop then gave DS his money and followed him to Thomas. The boys didnt move and after DS looked to me I had to say "You'll have to say excuse me" we he did everso polightly. The older one got off but went round the other side po hang off, the younger didnt move so DS got in next to him

Now I wasnt going to evict the other child as it felt mean and evertime DS tried to put money in the two brats kids kept posting a penny thay both had. In the end I ad to say "please dont do that it gets stuck and stops the machine from working" I did look round an no-one seemed to be claiming the children and I had to give the penny back again (I know int he past the shop girl has had to open the coin slot and she has moaned about all th pennies that block it up)

The mother then appeared screeching "Thats no way to talk yo my children" I did say to her "well parent them then, dont just abandon them" she had been absent form them for way over 10 mins. I got yet more screechy ramblings about people poking their nose in, I was a horrible women etc and she eventually took her kids away

girlsyearapart · 30/10/2009 18:33

'People poking their noses in' that means it must've happened before..

Good reply btw oldraver

madamearcati · 30/10/2009 18:52

Depends on yout tone of voice.Did you sound officious and arsey fotr the mum to kick off ?

pigletmania · 30/10/2009 18:52

Girlsyearapart was it in milton keynes by in chance

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