Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ban my exp from having the children.......

34 replies

Quadrophenia · 28/10/2009 20:05

if he can't ensure their safety??

I am not a loopy, bonkers, health and safety wrap kids in cotton wool kind of mum. However i have four children with my ex p and he insist on driving them up and down the dual carriageway squashed into three seats, no boosters in the back of his car sharing seatbelts (a fiesta). he recently sold a bigger car that he couldn't afford to run. now strictly speaking his car has enough seats for one in the fron and three in the back...but his new fiancee insists on coming with him to pick up and drop off (hour journey along said dual carriageway). We have discussed my concerns and he assured me that he would drop them off and pick them up without her to ensure they have a seat each but low and behold tonight when they turned up they all piled out of the back....When i calmly asked him why he had broken our agreement he became verbally abusive, swearing and shotuing at me in front of the children....So am i being unreasonable in preventing him from driving my kids around in this manner...

OP posts:
MillyMollyMoo · 28/10/2009 20:06

Nope not at all, not sure how you can stop him though.

herbietea · 28/10/2009 20:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

honeybehappy · 28/10/2009 20:09

How old are you DC and why arnt they in car seats? i would report him to the police.

Original poster
Quadrophenia · 28/10/2009 20:10

all I want is to be able to trust him to do as he says...his attitude was so 'what you going to do about it' when he dropped them off today and i feel frustrated and disappointed.

OP posts:
honeybehappy · 28/10/2009 20:10

Oh and i meant to add he must be a selfish twat to put his fiancee abouve the safety of his kids.

Original poster
Quadrophenia · 28/10/2009 20:10

I have twins aged 9, an 8 year old and a 6 year old.

OP posts:
pipWereRabbit · 28/10/2009 20:11

I would have thought the police would have something to say about it if they pulled him over. I thought all children now had to use an age appropriate restraint by law.... or did I miss something.

benjysmum · 28/10/2009 20:15

What are you going to do about it? call the police the next time he endangers your kids' lives, that's what!!

What he's doing is illegal.

Original poster
Quadrophenia · 28/10/2009 20:16

well yes they should all have booster seats....obviously i would prefer not to go down any kind of legal route but like i say i am so frustrated with his blatant disregard.

OP posts:
Original poster
Quadrophenia · 28/10/2009 20:18

I would rather be proactive than reactive...so prevent them from being in this situation... I don't want to prevent him from seeing his children but may go and seek legal advice regarding terms he has to meet.

OP posts:
Marioandluigi · 28/10/2009 20:46

YANBU - Do not let him take them again.

Qally · 28/10/2009 20:50

YANBU! Christ, what sort of a parent ignores laws there because something is bloody dangerous to their kids?! Is your ex always a colossal tool, or is this an abberation?

You need a formal legal undertaking from him, given informal was ignored immediately. Post on the legal board & see what your options are? Maybe you could get a prohibited steps order? Because sod asking nicely. It got you nowhere. And this isn't about trivia.

Anyone did this with DS - DH, Mum, ANYONE - and they'd regret it. How horrible for you to have to deal with this.

mmrred · 28/10/2009 20:54

Could you do drop offs so they still get to spend time with Dad? Also - I know how much my DSS HATES Mum 'having a word' with Dad at handover time, no matter how calm - could you have a discussion away from the kids, or by letter, or mediation? And hopefully that would prevent the swearing etc which is clearly not on.

OnlyWantsOneFartleBerry · 28/10/2009 20:57

YANBU at all.

If the children are not being restrained properly in the car, some thing terrible could happen if there was a crash.

Your X sounds like a muppet IMHO

Original poster
Quadrophenia · 28/10/2009 21:28

I would do the drop offs if he hadn't chosen to live so far away, but I struggle with juggling enough...I have four children and work and just need him to take some responsibility regarding our children so i don't have to constantly be on his back...i hate it that i have to be....
I understand regarding the not speaking to him in front of the children, but since his new girlfriend came on the scene he will not engage with me at all.

OP posts:
Ivykaty44 · 28/10/2009 21:30

call the polic and tell them what he is doing and his registration - they will book him and fine him and if he dares to do it again then telephone them again.

better this that the alternative

Ivykaty44 · 28/10/2009 21:32

actually ask him which three children he will be taking and which one he is going to victimise and leave behind?

Original poster
Quadrophenia · 28/10/2009 21:39

Ivykaty, thats the problem it ends up looking like me being the bad guy.

he is notorious for making bad decisions, i found out he was engaged because he announced it on fb...we split a year ago...I confronted him and said the decent thing to do would be to have told me and the children...turns out the kids already knew...had told them but didn't feel that i needed to know about it...to answer their questions etc....fed up of trying to be reasonable when he is such an idiot

OP posts:
Ivykaty44 · 28/10/2009 21:56

Bad guys who cares - that is what he plays on he knows you dont want to look the bad guy and that is why he gets away with it - sorry but it is true.

You call the police and get him done and he will think twice about crossing you agian I promise you that.

You stand up to him and he will back down next time, you let him walk all over you and the kids and he will continue to do so.

Alibooobaandthe40phantoms · 28/10/2009 22:02

Quad you should call the police on him, and get some legal advice about getting a court order or something.
He is actually endangering them so it's now got beyond anything to do with whether they want to see him or not.

GypsyMoth · 28/10/2009 22:07

when does he see them and is it by court order?

my ex once put one of our dc in the boot,(ford galaxy) as he ran out of seats! he put his friend and his kids first.....i never let him drive them again,no way.

which child does he choose to leave unrestrained?

Original poster
Quadrophenia · 28/10/2009 22:40

yeah I know i have no choice but to actually take this further..as always it just saddens me to think he can't just be bloody reasonable!
There is no court order in place, he has them for two nights a week depending on when his four days off lie but i am seriously considering halting proceedings until i know he is putting their safety first. I don't want to stop him from seeing his kids but I feel that until I have something legally in place I just cannot trust him.
There have been alot of issues of late, he and his new woman argued infront of my children and they all cried as did he and they came home upset, i think it was very heated and whilst I understand that people argue one of the reaons I asked him to leave was because of the manner in which he conducts himself. it sickens me to think they may be witness to this with another woman. Yet he constantly states that i am being unreasonable and I am sick, sick, sick of having to fight him about what is expected. i guess if i got something in place legally I would ahve more wieght in terms of ensuring their wellbeing when they are with him. Just so sad he is their dad none of this should even be an issue.

OP posts:
nula · 28/10/2009 22:53

Yanbu in the slightest.
Hope you can calmly convince him you are not trying to keep him from his children, you just need him to remain within the law , for safety reasons, if he is driving them anywhere

Vallhala · 28/10/2009 22:56

If these were my children I would offer my ex contact at my home so that he didn't put them at risk again. If he refused he would have two choices - not to see his DC or to go to court to gain contact according to their rules. I do understand the implications of either of the choices he could make and the distress it would cause you and am not saying that you should do this - I'm doubtless far stroppier than you.

The alternative is to take the control from the ex and pre-empt the above by seeing a solicitor about making a formal contact agreement. Here you could agree that the ex still has flexibility in seeing your DC to suit his work patterns but could implement a plan on how this is carried out so that your children are safe, which is imperative and which no court would look down upon you for.

That way you might feel stronger as you are the one making the decision to put access and contact on a formal footing and would have the security of knowing that you can take immediate action with the law even more on your side if he was to breach a court order.

There is no way I would let my ex take my DC in a car if he behaved as yours does and if he throws a fit and starts swearing and shouting at you, remember its YOUR home, you have every right to tell him to leave and every right to take Police and legal advice if he is putting the children in danger and being frighteningly abusive.... and you should remind him of that.

JodieO · 28/10/2009 23:01

YANBU at all but I don't think police could help. I'm sure the laws are that they only have to use car seats where it's reasonable/able to and otherwise seatbelts are ok. I'm not 100% though.

From a safety perspective then he shouldn't be doing it at all and I'd arrange alternative ways for him to see the children; ie, not when he drives them anywhere.

Swipe left for the next trending thread