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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask XP to not 'pop out for a cigarette' when he comes to see DS.

34 replies

BrandonsMummy · 28/10/2009 14:28

Bit of Background, my XP, DS's (4 months) father comes to visit DS once (sometimes twice) a week for a couple of hours.

The visits go great and after a quick chat about how DS has been doing I usually use the opportunity to get on with housework / dinner etc and theave the boys with some father/son bonding time.

After around 15 mins XP will either come to find me to hand me DS or sit DS in his bouncer so that he can go and have a cigarette outside. This will then happen a few times throughout the visit.

I don't have a problem with his smoking in general but AIBU to feel that he could /should go without when he is meant to be spending time with DS? I have a 15 min (at least) rule about people holding DS after smoking so every ciggarete break is a large chunk out of the time he could spend with him.

Also XP may soon be looking after DS on his own there when I go back to work next year. We live in a 2nd floor flat so I'm not sure how he would get around the smoking breaks then? Take DS with him?

Whenever I've raised the subject XP thinks I'm being silly and hypocritical as I smoked up until discovering I was PG. AIBU to ask him to cut it out or should I just accept that he's got an addiction and leave him to work out how to manage his time himself?

OP posts:

Original poster

BrandonsMummy · 28/10/2009 14:29

obv I meant leave not theave

OP posts:

NeedCoffee · 28/10/2009 14:30

surely he doesn't need to go every 15 minutes! Maybe one cig break in 2 hours if he really needs one, but i'd say he should manage without until he goes home.

ilovetochat · 28/10/2009 14:33

i dont like smoking so im prob biased but i wouldnt want anyone smoking then handling my child.
when he is alone with your ds what is he going to do, carry a baby outside and put him in his buggy every hour? or leave him alone while he goes? and when alone what will he do when he has finished his fag, i assume carry ds back inside which involves handling him instantly without even washing his hands? i would be having serious words right now.

hercules1 · 28/10/2009 14:35

Lots of parents smoke. I don't think there is anything you can do tbh.

Original poster

BrandonsMummy · 28/10/2009 14:37

we haven't yet discussed what he will do when alone with DS so I'm just assuming he'll go without (will def bring it up this week) but if I'm right I don't see why he can't start now it would be good practice! but he's not keep and I don't want to push as long as he sticks to the rule about not holding DS.

OP posts:

claw3 · 28/10/2009 14:39

What did you do when you were living together did he pop out for a smoke then?

15 minute rule for handlinig ds after smoking, why?

Original poster

BrandonsMummy · 28/10/2009 14:43

we never did live together. I've read that after smoking there is still smoke in the breath you breathe out fot at least 15 mins (also midwife mentioned this to XP) same reason that you shouldn't co sleep at all if you smoke. Plus it's stinky

OP posts:

claw3 · 28/10/2009 15:02

I can understand the stinky bit, but he must stink for longer than 15 minutes.

The 15 minutes smoke still being on your breath, ive never heard of. Do you think this is a bit OTT?

SerendipitousHarlot · 28/10/2009 15:05

BrandonsMummy, I'm going to say YABU.

Does it really matter in the grand scheme of things? He's spending time with his son, that's the most important thing. And I also think the '15 minute rule' is a bit silly, sorry.

NeedCoffee · 28/10/2009 15:06

Claw I've heard about it still being on your breath.

op look
here

especially answer 11 with the links.

pleasechange · 28/10/2009 15:08

YANBU - plain ridiculous that he needs a smoke in this short time at all, never mind every 15 mins

It sounds like it's going to be an issue if he's going to be looking after DS and you're not happy with the smoke. This would be a deal-breaker for me, and I'd be looking for alternative childcare. That said, presumably you knew he was a smoker before you had DS?

NeedCoffee · 28/10/2009 15:09

I don't agree SH, I think its inportant that he washes his hands before touching the baby and wears an overcoat whilst smoking that he can remove when he comes back in.

claw3 · 28/10/2009 15:17

I would agree with SH, i think its a bit petty in the grander scheme of things.

I can totally understand children not being in a smokey environment, but not being handled 15 minutes after. What next wearing a mask outside!

hercules1 · 28/10/2009 15:22

allnew - would you seriously consider not letting the father of your child look after the child because they smoke outside??

Vallhala · 28/10/2009 15:27

I'm in agreement with SH. YABU.

I'd be interested to see reliable figures on the amount of babies who suffer harm by being picked up or touched by a smoker within 15 minutes of the smoker finishing a cigarette.

I fear that your difference of opinion could result in your ex cutting his links to your son because he objects to being told what he can and cannot do.

If you want someone to care for your son when you return to work it must surely be as a paid employee/employer relationship where you can call the shots, or a mutual agreement with another adult, in this case your ex, where you are on far less of a strong position to dictate.

Longtalljosie · 28/10/2009 15:27

Well, in the OP's defence my midwife told me not to allow friends to handle the baby within half an hour of smoking, in order to reduce the risk of SIDS. I expect she had the same advice.

hercules1 · 28/10/2009 15:32

If the op uses a nursery instead of her xp because of the smoking she may well find the staff there smoke anway. I cannot understand how this could be a deal breaker in choosing childcare.

pleasechange · 28/10/2009 15:48

hercules - how would he possibly be able to care for the child when he's outside having a smoke every 15 mins?

and actually, my nursery doesn't employ staff who smoke

diddl · 28/10/2009 15:55

For a two hour visit, I´d be disappointed that xp could go without a cigarette, tbh.

cocobongo · 28/10/2009 16:03

As said above, there is a link between smoking and increased risk of SIDS, hence the advice to wait 15 mins. I think the incidence of SIDS is double for smoking households than non-smoking. So it is not unreasonable to ask him to forgo his cigarettes when watching the baby on his own and to wait 15 mins before handling in other situations.

One other thing- will he be watching the baby in his own flat, and does he smoke in it normally? This would also increase the risk.

Finally, I suspect that his smoke breaks at 15 min intervals at the moment is more to do with not knowing what to do with the baby for longer than that- so he uses a smoke break as an excuse to hand the baby back to you. Once he is more used to having the baby on his own, hopefully this requirement will diminish.

Vallhala · 28/10/2009 16:15

Coco - I'm not disputing the link between smoking and SIDS in terms of a child being in a smoky house/room/car etc, but still haven't been able to find reliable evidence of a specific link between handling or touching a child following smoking and SIDS or any other condition.

Don't think I'm explaining myself very well.

GypsyMoth · 28/10/2009 16:29

to be honest,no matter what he wears,how many times he washes his hands etc etc....he will still carry that smokers aroma.

smokers delude themselves that if they smoke outdoors then the smoke blows away and doesn't cling. its wrong. its still there.

diddl · 28/10/2009 16:39

Is there any chance he can give upfor his son?-you did!
(And it wouldn´t be bad for his own health/pocket, either!)

kreecherlivesupstairs · 29/10/2009 07:58

YABU, although Iwould say that as a smoker. As for the person whose nursery doesn't employ smokers

pleasechange · 29/10/2009 08:04

kreecherlivesupstairs - your is for me then presumably. Yes, my nursery chooses not to employe smokers, as most non-smokers prefer their children not be cared for by people who smoke

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