to ask XP to not 'pop out for a cigarette' when he comes to see DS.

[BrandonsMummy]

Bit of Background, my XP, DS's (4 months) father comes to visit DS once (sometimes twice) a week for a couple of hours.

The visits go great and after a quick chat about how DS has been doing I usually use the opportunity to get on with housework / dinner etc and theave the boys with some father/son bonding time.

After around 15 mins XP will either come to find me to hand me DS or sit DS in his bouncer so that he can go and have a cigarette outside. This will then happen a few times throughout the visit.

I don't have a problem with his smoking in general but AIBU to feel that he could /should go without when he is meant to be spending time with DS? I have a 15 min (at least) rule about people holding DS after smoking so every ciggarete break is a large chunk out of the time he could spend with him.

Also XP may soon be looking after DS on his own there when I go back to work next year. We live in a 2nd floor flat so I'm not sure how he would get around the smoking breaks then? Take DS with him?

Whenever I've raised the subject XP thinks I'm being silly and hypocritical as I smoked up until discovering I was PG. AIBU to ask him to cut it out or should I just accept that he's got an addiction and leave him to work out how to manage his time himself?

Nursery staff who don´t smoke!

Great idea!

I didn´t send mine anywhere where smokers were employed.

YABU. Honestly I can sort of understand the issues but this really seems a bit OTT to me. Do you suffer from mild OCD or a control problem? I find some of the anti-smoking brigade a little bit anally retentive and smug to be honest...I trust that those who take it so far as to choose nurseries with non-smoking staff: a) Don't live in London or any other urban area, b) don't take their children near to busy roads with vehicle fumes, c) don't go through public places where smokers may have recently passed, and the list goes on. As long as there were strict rules in place about not smoking around your LO I would just be happy that my partner wanted to be involved and have quality time with his son.

missy - how would the time be quality time if he's leaving a baby every 15 mins to go outside to have a smoke?

It doesn't actually say he does it every fifteen minutes. It says after 15 minutes once left alone with DS and then several times during the visit. No entirely clear. If it is every 15 minutes though then he wouldn't get any time what with the 15 minute rule!

You both sound unreasonable, him for not managing 2 hours without a cigarette and you for insisting on the 15 minute thing.
1 cigarette in the time I could understand.
You both sound embroiled in a control battle.

To be honest, you'll probably find he smokes less as DS gets older and he's not in your house IYSWIM?

4mo are slightly boring to their dads. 15 minutes would be my ex's cutoff at that age!! But once they get interacting more/playing more etc you'll probably find he gets more engrossed with him.

TBH he'll probably smoke less without you around too. My ex always has more fag breaks when I am around in the house (someone else on hand, still slight awkwardness between us etc) but has a lot less when he's got the DSs at his flat.

YANBU about the 15min thing - I was like that with DS1, but by DS2 didnt care as much as I was desperate for the help!

and nurseries not employing smokers? surely theres some discrimination there? My DS's favourite nanny is a smoker, and it doesnt bother me - she goes on 1 fag break on her lunch and hardly smells. Doesnt bother him either.

can't see how it's discrimination - just like if you hire a nanny and need her to be able to drive, for example. Personal choice to choose to smoke/learn to drive, hardly like what sex you are or religion, which you can't choose

Oh come on...the world has gone nuts! 15 minute rule? first people smoked everywhere, then the smoking ban mean't people went outside (which I agree with) but now this kind of attitude? What you really want is for yr xp to give up..like you had to.

YABU..your xp is a smoker.

He smokes outside away from the baby..good man. Your baby is at risk of nothing when the smoking is over except Dad's stinky breath..my Dads got stinky feet.

Don't believe everything you read or hear especially not from heath proffessionals..I had plenty of conflictig advice from health visitors when I had my DD about everything.

Use your own common sense and..chill out..jeez!

See for me I'd much rather have the best candidate for the job, regardless of if they smoked. It doesnt affect me directly, the nursery staff dont smoke in front of or around my children.

I dont think anyone should be turned down for a job if they are the best qualified/experienced just because they smoke.