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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to be angry and think this man is taking the piss?

62 replies

Vallhala · 24/10/2009 22:21

Sorry, long post but I am fuming!

Since Weds evening I've been caring for DD1s pal having found out that she was alone while mum is on holiday and that she was unhappy (and hungry). Parents are divorced, care is shared and dad lives in the same town as his DD and her mum and also my family and I. Dad says he can't care for her as he "has" to work night shifts. The full story is on AIBU, "to think it wrong for 14 yo to be left alone for a week...".

As I had taken into my home a child I barely know, whose parents I have never met, and who neither knew where she was nor had given either she or I permission to have her stay, I thought it wise, after much thought and advice here, to email school to let them know what I had done, to cover my own ass. I did this in the early hours of Thurs morning and having got dads number from Jane called him as soon as it was a decent hour that morning. School naturally called him and warned that they would be taking advice from SS.

So, this is where I am at now, tell me, is he now taking the piss?

First the fecker rings me today to announce that he is angry that I contacted school re his child being alone, did I realise what this could do to him and his job, what a caring and dedicated father he is, blah blah.

Explained to him that I did so to cover my ass as I had a strangers kid in the house overnight, the parents didn't know where she was/had been and had given her no permission to be there, which put me in a vulnerable position regardless that I was doing a kindness.

No apology, just more whinging about his position. Drumming my fingers by this point wondering if, since hes so concerned, he'd like to take his daughter back as he's only downn the road... or at least accept that if he and his ex hadn't left their kid alone this would never have happened in the first place and me having her here is probably the only thing stopping him from being charged for neglect. This is left unsaid by me and clearly doesn't occur to him.

Then the toss-pot tells me that her mum has come home TODAY instead of returning tomorrow as had always been said.

Yeah, right.

And I'm Stevie Wonder.

So where the feck is mum then... why is she not contacting her child, even if not me, why is said child not back with her own mum and not with this lone mum of 2, who is knackered, sleeping on the sofa cos visiting kid has her room and dealing with her own 'difficult' 12 year old and in all honesty views ANY house guest, even this nice girl, as she does haddock.... all right for a couple of days but by the third it is becoming undesirable and the fourth simply nauseating?

Cos if the mothers here in this town you're both taking the piss mate!

And if she's not then you're a lying git!

Come to that, regardless of where the MOTHER is, YOU are responsible for this child, not me, so you're definately taking the piss mate! You aren't ill, you aren't 100 miles away, you merely prefer to work and leave your DD with a stranger.

He said that Jane KNEW THAT her mum was back... I later mentioned it to Jane, who said "Is she?"

Thats as much as I got out of her... I didn't press the matter.

Although I didn't point out the obvious flaws in matey's "mum's back today" story to him when he phoned maybe I should have, it may have lowered my stress levels a bit to call him a pathetic twat who is full of bull.

Dads only redeeming factor was to accept that my call to school was a pure "child is here, this is why, I don't know parents and they don't yet know shes here so I'm telling YOU as professionals to cover my ass".

He knows he and his ex are potentially in the mire for leaving his child unattended, he lives just down the road, mum is allegedly back home or if thats not true will be back tomorrow... yet he no word from mum and Jane is expected by dad to remain here til Monday night or if not Tuesday. Shes a lovely kid but I need just to get on with dealing with my own kids and family life. I have a docs appoinment on Monday (having missed an important hospital appointment yesterday because of having his child here) and am generally knackered and don't think its too much to expect one or other parent to care for their own child and not rely excessively on this total stranger to them.

AIBU to think that he is now taking the piss?

OP posts:
howlatrubymoon · 26/10/2009 13:48

As the mother of a 14yr old myself I would say well done!

So sad for this girl and her brother and to hear about yet more crap parents

I worry for you that now you are involved with this family they may give you grief. Make sure you and your dd are safe - you are a kind person!

MissM · 26/10/2009 14:24

I haven't got anything else to add to the general horror at this situation and echo the 'good for you' that the others have already said. But just to say that when we were teenagers my brother had a friend who often used to stay with us because of her parents' neglect. Twenty years on she has a difficult and not very happy life, but she is eternally grateful to my family and mum in particular for sheltering her at those times and would do anything for my mum.

So just be reassured that despite the hassle it's causing you now Jane will remember your care and kindness and will probably draw comfort from it in times to come.

Vallhala · 26/10/2009 14:26

Jane's father collected her today though I am sure that he will be working overnight again so she'll be left alone.

I've called SS to update and was disgusted to learn that they "only took basic details from the school" which didn't include Janes address at either her mothers or her fathers house or either parents name.

SS were equally unimpressed that the school had left me in the lurch to deal with the matter unsupported through half term. SS told me that the info will be passed onto a "Support Worker", that I shall be kept informed (surely not??), and that they imagine that the parents will be spoken to and advised about the wisdom of not leaving their child alone. They said that they "Should think" that it will be followed up soon - I told them that I expected it to be and would be contacting the Press if not!

I'm soon off to buy cake, cake and more cake, find a good DVD at Blockbusters and lock the doors against the rest of the world tonight. I SHOULD be cleaning, washing and the like today but.... SOD IT!

OP posts:
Vallhala · 26/10/2009 14:30

One other thing.... THANK YOU ALL for being a tower of strength and a fountain of advice these past, difficult few days.

Your compliments are undeserved, you'd all have taken her in too I'm sure. Your support however has been invaluable.

Valhalla

OP posts:
SHRIIIEEEKPoolingBearBlood · 26/10/2009 14:47

aargh just wrote a long message which vanished
well done, treat yourself you deserve it!!

JustAnotherManicMummy · 26/10/2009 15:44

Grim but not surprising about school and SS.

You should be proud of yourself. Sounds like you are the only person fighting this girl's corner.

clam · 26/10/2009 17:28

So, the dad turned up with a big bunch of flowers as a thank you????

Thought not!

sowhatis · 26/10/2009 17:49

Hope you are ok, just seen and read all this thread. sounds v strange to me. good for you for taking the girl in xxx

Vallhala · 26/10/2009 18:39

PMSL @ clam

clam, no, the dad stayed in his car and waited for Jane to come out to him. By this time I'd wandered off to sit in a nearby field with my mobile and give ss the update instead, not being able to call from home whilst Jane was there. I was longing to wait around but knew I had to hold the higher ground... and I just didn't think I could hold my tongue if he was there in front of me. He would have known exactly what he was, in no uncertain terms, had I seen him again.

I got home shortly after Jane had left and asked my DDs whether Janes father had sent a message for me - the answer was a resounding no.

No surprise there then!

OP posts:
LauraIngallsWilder · 27/10/2009 13:49

Vallhala - I cant help but feel sad for children like 'Jane'
What useless 'parents' she has

I hope your dd can continue being friends with her and hopefully provide her with some support and stability - not that you or your dd should have to, but obviously her parents cant be relied on to do so can they

Blondeshavemorefun · 30/10/2009 12:59

i cant beleive that mum was home on friday YET wasnt worried where her dd14 was?

dad sunds an ungrateful twat

poor jane

LauraIngallsWilder · 01/11/2009 13:13

Valhalla - any update?
Has the 'mother' got back yet?

I hope all is well tommorrow - Im persuming your dd will return to school tommorrow and she will see her friend then

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