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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hen Night Cost

81 replies

saggyhairyarse · 23/10/2009 12:54

Can I have your thoughts...

If you are attending a hen weekend but can only attend one night, should you have to pay for the accomodation for the whole weekend or just the night you are going?

Details are a cottage is being hired for the weekend which is being divided by the number of guests but some (not many) can't go on the Friday but have to pay the same as those staying two nights.

Is this normal practice?

(Has opened up a whole minefield of issues for me as I got married 10 years ago and had a night at a local comedy club. We are now talking activity on the Saturday, nights away, told to bring bottle of champers and what drinks you want etc etc etc....)

OP posts:
Original poster
saggyhairyarse · 23/10/2009 13:29

ISNT, I haven't 'agreed' to go, I have to go, I am a bridesmaid and it is my bestmate. I am beyond skint though and don't have a credit card.

OP posts:
mazzystartled · 23/10/2009 13:33

i think you have to just pay an equal share of the cottage costs (though obviously not the food and booze for first night)

otherwise you get into the whole cost per head per night thing which can get really complicated. think about it like splitting a bill for a meal in a restaurant.

thing is if you are going on the second night you may well up with the bunk bed/sofa as well.....

at least if its YHA it will be relatively cheap - just thank your lucky stars its not a week in Berlin

enjoy yourself whatever!

MmeGoblindt · 23/10/2009 13:35

Why does the Youth Hostel have to be booked completely? Surely that is daft?

Original poster
saggyhairyarse · 23/10/2009 13:38

Friend has decided she wants the whole place to herself so that other groups/people aren't there.

OP posts:
ImSoNotTelling · 23/10/2009 13:40

Then she is being unreasonable for not taking the financial situations of her friends into account, and you should have said something right at the beginning. If someone can't afford it, then you either make cheaper plans, or accept that they can't come.

Jux · 23/10/2009 13:43

I stopped going to hen do's when a friend organised 3 nights in Monaco with all attendant nonsense. (My hen night was mixed with dh's stag night; we went to a pub where his band was playing - he was on stage, I was getting pissed!)

thrifty · 23/10/2009 13:43

tbh if you are 'beyond skint' and you haven't agreed to go,i would just tell her you cant afford it. why get yourself into debt/not be able to do stuff with your own family (christmas is looming) for the sake of 1 night away. if she really is your best friend she will understand.
Is it a long way from where you live? could you just join them for the sat night meal?

Original poster
saggyhairyarse · 23/10/2009 13:49

I have told her ISNT.

In the summer our cam belt went in our family car. The engine is damaged and the car is at a specialist garage waiting for a replacement head to come in from Holland which is going to cost £3K. My DH is self employed and is trying to buy out his partner because they can't work together (we are the company founders) and so we are trying to raise a 5 figure sum to pay him off.

It's Christmas in two months, i've got three kids, we don't blow loads on them (we haven't got it) but it all adds up.

Rock and hard place.

My best mate is the lovliest gal you could meet, she has done a lot for me but I haven't got a money tree in the back garden and this has come at a bad time (and, no, I could not have planned for it as wedding only just been announced).

OP posts:
ImSoNotTelling · 23/10/2009 14:05

I think you need to explain to her that you can't go and why, that it will knacker your xmas. If she is your friend she will understand.

MmeGoblindt · 23/10/2009 15:12

I feel that if it is a choice between paying bills/having a good Christmas or going on the hen night then I would be cancelling the hen night.

diddl · 23/10/2009 15:15

Yup, hen night would be a no go for me in those circumstances.

mumof2222222222222222boys · 23/10/2009 15:35

It is mad what people are expected to stump up.

I got married 8 years ago and arranged for a group of us to go out for a meal in the town where I lived. Some people travlled from London (£20 on train) and stayed with me or friends.

Last year I went to a friend's hen night - camping in Dorset. We had a posh meal out one night, but it didn't break the bank and was great fun.

By the way, while we are not loaded, we are all late 30s lawyers, forces, dentists etc. Perhaps we're just tight

girlywhirly · 23/10/2009 16:12

I would be extremely embarrassed if I were the bride, to expect hen party guests to fork out, knowing that I was putting them in a difficult financial position. Frankly, I don't like these extended hen/stag do's, there is nothing wrong with a party or a meal out. In addition to the cost, it takes up a lot of peoples' time and/or annual leave which some may not be able to spare.

It would be a nice gesture if the bride would pay your share for the night you can't be there. But ultimately, your family and your livelihood come before your friends hen do, so she may have to go ahead without you.

spiralqueen · 23/10/2009 16:23

Assuming the bride is organising the hen on top of the wedding, she's got the logistics of trying to juggle a price for people staying two nights, a price for people staying one night and making sure that will all cover the total cost let alone what she would do if someone dropped out at the last minute. So it's NU for her just to work out an overall cost per head. Presumably as it's a youth hostel it would be much cheaper than organising your own accommodation and just joining them for the festivities.

If you are that skint just don't go - she'll understand if she's a good friend but do let her know ASAP. If she's worked out the costs on a definite number of people attending she needs to know so that she can make sure that it doesn't make her out of pocket herself.

Original poster
saggyhairyarse · 23/10/2009 16:50

Like I said before, given its the general consensus thats how these things are organised, I will have to find the money.

My Dad usually gives me some money at Christmas so I will earmark that, even though I had hoped to put it towards a family holiday.

OP posts:
EightiesChick · 23/10/2009 16:54

Normal IMO, especially if those won't can't go Friday are in the minority. If it seems to expensive then bite the bullet now and say you can't afford it but will do something cheaper/free with your friend instead. I would respect this much more than either pulling out with a lame excuse later, or going but grumbling about the cost the whole time. If you go, just accept that this is what you are paying.

Original poster
saggyhairyarse · 23/10/2009 16:56

I wouldn't put a dampner on her do by moaning about it!

I just wanted to know if that was how things are organised and it seems they are so I have to swallow it.

OP posts:
Original poster
saggyhairyarse · 23/10/2009 17:04

Having had a think about things whilst rustling up a fish pie, I am wondering about suggesting that I can either:

a) Pay the accomodation charge, come up after their activities on the Saturday afternoon, stay for dinner and go after breakfast on the Sunday morning.

or:

b) Not pay for accomodation, go up the Saturday morning, stay for lunch and dinner and go back late Saturday night.

Both options will tally up to £100.

What do you think?

OP posts:
Paolosgirl · 23/10/2009 17:26

I'd go for a. It'll be fun to have a night away with your friends, rather than having to leave just as the fun begins! Just say (if you feel you need an excuse, that is) that you're sorry that you can't come for the whole thing, but you've had a big unexpected bill.

PartOfTheHumphreysGroup · 23/10/2009 21:48

So you would save the activity charge with option a? I'd do that - sounds more fun than potentially leaving early on the Saturday night, you get a night away that way and the 'activity' will probably be lame!

PartOfTheHumphreysGroup · 23/10/2009 21:51

I don't know how but I completely missed the previous post! Yes I agree with paolo!

thesecondcoming · 23/10/2009 22:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

alicet · 23/10/2009 22:10

Just read first 2 posts.

If it is as second poster says - that its in a hotel / venue etc where you apy a fixed amount and if you don't come for while time tough then I think YABU.

If it is self catered accommodation then I think people coming for only 1 night should pay less

piscesmoon · 23/10/2009 22:13

I think the whole thing is deadly these days!

alicet · 23/10/2009 22:26

Just read rest of thread.

I think the whole weddings / hen nights thing is a real minefield. And how far you should put yourself out financially for this friend depends a bit on history i think (obviously assuming you are not going to end up bankrupt which I presume you're not given that in a later post you are saying you are happy to spend £100)

I DO think that if you agree to be a bridesmaid you are signing up to be a part of all the attendant proper send off. I think if finances are a big thing for you then when the plans for the hen weekend were announced you should have said - if she was a real friend she would rather have arrangements that you can go for than an all singing all dancing do. If it is in a youth hostel then it's probably not that expensive compared with a hotel for example so she has probably tried to think about this.

When I got married I was a bit pissed off that one of my bridesmaids said she was only coming up for the Sat night rather than the whole weekend. This was before either of us had kids. The whole weekend was arranged to cost less than £100 all in and it was local to her so her travel costs were minimal. I had also made sure that my bridesmaids could get their dresses made locally rather than having to travel to the other end of the country to get their fittings at mine.

So I am self centred? Possibly. But when I was her bridesmaid I travelled from Newcastle to Swindon 3 times for fittings and then for the hen night and had to stay for 2 nights in a hotel for her wedding all of which I was more than happy to do. So I figured 1 weekend away came in well under that. Without going into all the money I told her I wasn't happy and we came up with a compromise the exact details of which I can't actually remember now but we are still friends and needless to say by talking about it it has never been a big issue.

Sorry for the waffle but I think what I am trying to say is that I can understand both sides and I think you should just explain to her your concerns just as you have listed them here. If she is as good a friend as you think she will understand and a compromise will be had where she is happy and so are you. If you don't mention it you may just end up being resentful of the whole situation. good luck