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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think it serves Dh's ex right for leeving 16yo DSS on his own for 2 weeks..

64 replies

Marne · 23/10/2009 12:20

Dh'd ex wife left her son (my dss) on his own whilst she took the family on holiday for 2 weeks. When she returned she found he had drank all the alcohol in the house (why did she leave it in the house?), hiss moped with pinched from outside (more like he took it for a ride without a licence and crashed it in a ditch) and ran up a 300.00 phone bill.

Just to add, we had been talking to DSS on the phone most nights on the phone (we phoned him) and he said all was fine.

And she is shocked that he did these things and expected dh to give him a telling off.

Surely its her fault for leaving him at home with alcohol?

OP posts:

3littlefrogs · 23/10/2009 14:22

There will always be a big difference between opinion and advice from those who have been through the teenage years, and those who haven't. It is a rite of passage

Jux · 23/10/2009 14:33

Quite frankly I would have had him sleeping on the floor at my place for 2 weeks. I think you have all been negligent and that poor boy probably feels lost and unloved and quite likely unwanted. I'm not saying he is unwanted, just that he feels it. So would I if my mum took "the family" on holiday without me, and my dad only popped in on his way to and from work.

Ghastly situation. Hope you all feel guilty.

curiositykilled · 23/10/2009 14:44

Why couldn't he have slept on your sofa?

2 weeks is a long time especially if he's re-sitting exams but I think he did OK all things considered. I also think he was old enough at 16 to manage not to drink alcohol or crash his moped or run up a huge phone bill and needs to take responsibility.

OP - your attitude is terrible though, you sound thoroughly mean spirited and jealous. I hope the ex wife is kinder about your children with her XH.

Original poster

Marne · 23/10/2009 15:20

'Why couldn't he have slept on your sofa?'

For those of you who don't know me, i live in a 2 bed house with my husband and 2 Autistic children, i sleep on the sofa (our only sofa) with my little girl who sleeps in the sitting room and has sleep problems, i spend most of my night comforting my dd's who have sleep problems. My dd1 sleeps in a single room upstairs (no room for a 16 year old to sleep on the floor), my husband sleeps in a double bed (which just fits in the 2nd room). Where is he supposed to sleep?

I am not jealous of his ex wife (far from it) if anything i feel sorry for her. She is in 1000's of pounds of dept but still continues to go on holiday.

Dh and i do a lot for the children, we see them as much as we can, we clothe them, shoe them etc like parents should.

I feel sad that people are so judging, i would do anything i could for my step children (the same as i would for my children).

I don't understand why you are calling me mean spirited and jealous?

The point of this thread was to say 'what did she expect from a 16 year old boy, left on his own'. Dh was shocked by his behaviour and has had words with him, i'm not saying dh should not tell him off.

OP posts:

anniemac · 23/10/2009 15:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

anniemac · 23/10/2009 15:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

howlatrubymoon · 23/10/2009 16:32

From your title "serves DH's EX right!!"

I take it that it is o.k for you to judge her just don't want others judging you!

You have been mean and don't come across as caring much for your step son - just point scoring - it is none of your business if your DH's ex goes on a holiday! Although it does sound like you could do with one yourself.

Original poster

Marne · 23/10/2009 16:49

Sorry, my title was put wrong, i should have put it differently.

As for it not being our business- she took the other 2 children with her so i kind of makes it our business (dh likes to know where his children are and what they are doing). I'm not judging her, i'm just a bit shocked that she was so shocked at what he did (after all he is a 16 year old boy).

Why do i come across as not caring for him?

And i have had a holiday thank you .

OP posts:

howlatrubymoon · 23/10/2009 18:02

I am not judging her - I quote you,

"SHE did not leave him enough food"

"When SHE returned she found he had drunk all the alcohol in the house (why did SHE leave it in the house?)

" Surely it is HER fault for leaving him at home with alcohol"

"SHE is in 1000's of pounds of debt but still continues to go on holiday"

o.k but sounds judgemental to me!

I think you come across as not caring because I have a teenage son and his welfare comes first to my dh and I. DH would take time off work to spend time with him if he needed it even if that meant we struggled as we know that teenage years are hard for children and there are lots of temptations, and i'm not sure why you could not have looked in on him yourself. your husband could have removed the alcohol himself if he had concerns. He could also have taken the keys to the moped if he had concerns.

You were annoyed that SHE had asked his father to tell him off and yet that sounds like a good parenting decision and perfectly reasonable.

I am wondering weather your DH and you had to justify your holiday to his ex wife or is that just one way?

Surfermum · 23/10/2009 20:51

Marne, don't keep trying to justify yourself. You must know by now what a hard time step-mums get on here, and you've got the double whammy of having put this in AIBU.

It was her decision to leave him at home, she must have left him with some ground rules and if she didn't or he broke the rules it's down to her to deal with, not your dh.

I'm quite sure that if she posted on here that she had decided her ds was old enough to be left at home, but that her ex was insisting that he wasn't and that he had to move into her house for the fortnight it would be a very different thread, and he'd be accused of being controlling and overstepping the mark.

Bertiebrighteyes · 23/10/2009 21:22

Grey area for 16 year olds. You cant force em to come with you, but its a bit of a risk leaving em on their own. I have left my 16 year old son for 3 nights camping trips a few times during the summer, and beer has obviously been drunk (although not mine) Parties have taken place deffo, and the cat shit litter hasnt been emptied all weekend!! He sounds like a pretty normal 16 year old tbh

poshsinglemum · 23/10/2009 21:30

Do you hate your dh's ex wife?

I think yabu. He chose to drink all the booze. He will face the consequences. He needs to learn.

mybabywakesupsinging · 23/10/2009 21:36

I definitely would have had to pay that phone bill - or some of it - out of my wages.
The alcohol? depends how much got drunk...
I stayed at home alone for a week or so at that age.
I would hope my parents didn't feel they had to lock up the booze - sounds a bit pathetic at 16!

pleasechange · 23/10/2009 21:38

I do find it odd that on some threads people will be claiming that the PWC is the 'main parent with all the rights' (an oft used phrase on here), yet then equally claim that the NRP has equal responsibility when something goes wrong. Fact is, the PWC has brought the child up in her home - it is hard to bring a child up as an NRP to have your desired standards of behaviour when they live with someone else. Chances are she doesn't let the OP's DH make any parenting decisions anyway. And as for letting him into her house to check on her alcohol I doubt that's going to happen either

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