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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that if your toddler repeatedly kicks another child and is asked to please stop that you shouldnt get cross at other mum?

72 replies

littleducks · 22/10/2009 15:36

DS (18 mo) was at library singing thing and was playing in a sit on train that attaches top bookcase. There was another child thee, of similar age prob slightly older (about 2).

He kicked ds twice hard in a row and as i said to him "Please don't kick" he did it again harder so I finished "it isnt friendly" (in a cherry voice not cross or very loud) as i tried to extract ds from seat, ds was at this point crying and he is a child who takes a few knocks no fuss as he has an older sister and plays at todddlers etc.

I did then manage to pick ds out of train, other mother who had her back turned picking books through this came over said something that i couldnt catch over ds crying then turned baxck to books, then turned back and said to me "Don't say that to him" complete with withering look.

I was she didnt say anything to her boy at all. I think that he must do it often as otherwise why would she immediately assume i was talking to him and not my ds? her child wasnt upset by what i said at all (he kept on trying to kick).

I didnt say anything but was bit pissed off tbh, surely if she doesnt want anyone to ever reproach her child she should be standing there watching him?

OP posts:
Jamieandhismagictorch · 23/10/2009 18:43

No, as I said before, in your example you did apologise and then explain, but I'm making the point that the apology should come first, not the explanation, otherwise it just sounds like an excuse.

Having has two toddlers myself I know that they are not necessarily being deliberately malicious when they hit, push or bite, but it is still a behaviour that the parent needs to apologise for, and tell their child is not acceptable.

I also know that it is sometimes harder to be the parent of the "hitter" than the parent of the one that gets hit

lilyjen · 23/10/2009 18:46

I don't see what's wrong with what the OP said to the little boy and I think the mother of the boy was overeacting whether she saw what happened or not. Personally I think it's a shame when people are afraid to speak for fear of upsetting someone while their child is being kicked. If someone kicked my DD I would tell them to stop whether their mother liked it or not, then I would have a word with the mother as well. Everyones soooooo worried these days ffs! What an uptight society we live in!

corriefan · 23/10/2009 18:51

I get really annoyed when I see kids misbehaving and their parents pretending not to notice or being very wet in dealing with it and not actually doing anything to prevent them. Even if the child doesn;t mean to cause pain to another child and is experimenting etc, I think they need to learn that it's not the way to behave. I also feel sorry for the kids who aren't taught not to do it as they're understandably going to struggle to make friends.

DemonBradleySlaysPippi · 23/10/2009 21:17

'I also know that it is sometimes harder to be the parent of the "hitter" than the parent of the one that gets hit '

so so true, wouldn't have believed it till I had dd2 .

hanaboo · 23/10/2009 22:39

kids aren't stupid, if u tell a 2/3 year old that it hurts wen they hit other kids then they understand that (eventually).. and if not then the reaction of the other kids while being hit shows them it hurts wtf

kids know what happens when they hit, they know it makes other kids cry. so for a parent to come and say 'oh he didn't mean it' is just a bit

KimiTheThreadSlayingAxeKiller · 23/10/2009 22:47

I would have been tempted to kick her the silly cow

nappyaddict · 24/10/2009 02:06

hanaboo luckily you have obviously never had a child who truly doesn't understand that what they do hurts other children. no matter how much you try and drum it in to them that it hurts it still doesn't make a difference. the reaction to them doesn't show that it hurts, it shows them that it is fun.

Niknak21 · 24/10/2009 02:50

OP YABNBU

I hate this mother/mother discipline thing. My DS(Just4) was in tears the other day after a notoriously badly behaved boy of a similar age was 'fighting' him and his 2 (girl) friends. The mother said it was 3 against 1, it was more like 1 against 3. What made me really mad was when I was comforting my DS she picked up her son and apologised to me. I thought an apology from him to my DS would've been more appropriate.

This happened in our local Esporta, so have to see this woman often.

I agree with the comment that society should all help.

The OP sounded like she handled the situation well. Even if they don't understand is it still not best to keep repeating, even if it's only for another mother's benefit in public?

corriefan · 24/10/2009 16:36

I also think that if a child doesn't understand that hitting is not nice on a cognitive level, then they need to be taught not to do it on a behavioural level, i.e. if you do that to another child then you get told off, withdrawn, or whatever, so that they associate hitting others with a negative response and so stop doing it. Empathising with others is quite a difficult concept for young children so it can be easier to teach them in more concrete terms of reward/ negative reinforcement until they understand the reasoning part.

bronze · 24/10/2009 16:50

NA but if you have a child who has no understanding you dont lay into the childs mother for gently reprimanding the hitter you say 'I'm so sorry, he has as (or other reason) is you child alright?)

nappyaddict · 24/10/2009 18:25

Niknak Was the other child old enough to apologise himself? My DS wouldn't apologise himself he would just say no so I say it for him.

corrie With DS he looks forward to repetitiveness of going through the motions of being told off/made to sit away from everyone/favourite toy removed/made to go home etc so now we just move him away from the other child but don't give a punishment as such.

bronze I don't say DS has AS as I don't know if he has or not. I just say sorry, he doesn't understand.

Niknak21 · 24/10/2009 18:36

He's at least 3.5 and seems to have no SNs, so yes I think he would be able to say sorry. I thought that saying it for him was not letting him take the blame, almost saying it was her fault. I'm ready for a few words with her if it happens again.

DemonBradleySlaysPippi · 24/10/2009 20:22

Nappy, if you do not mind me asking, why would he not say sorry?

Best friend son has never been made to say sorry and own up to his behaviour and now at 6 he is a real pita and, imo, can come across as very rude. The mum apologises for him, always has done, and now he sniggers behind her sorry face when he has broken things, hit children, acted badly. He knows, and always has done, exactly what is going on. The mother's attitute is very much 'he is just a child'. I do not think this justifies not saying hello and goodbye, thanking for something, breaking things, stealing, lying, apologies to children and adults alike, behave decently.
(nappy not directed at you at all)

benjysmum · 24/10/2009 20:45

Surely it's simple etiquette that we should all be teaching our kids from day one that if they hurt someone and the other mom complains:

  1. Apologise to other mom (and her kid). It teaches your kids to apologise and can help to diffuse the situation.
  1. Say "don't do it again" or equivalent to your DC even if they don't understand. They'll figure it out soon enough.

I have a feeling that if enough moms did this we wouldn't have quite so many AIBU posts on this and similar incidents.

BTW, OP, YANBU, you were a lot nicer to the kid than I would have been.

benjysmum · 24/10/2009 20:47

Surely it's simple etiquette that we should all be teaching our kids from day one that if they hurt someone and the other mom complains:

  1. Apologise to other mom (and her kid). It teaches your kids to apologise and can help to diffuse the situation.
  1. Say "don't do it again" or equivalent to your DC even if they don't understand. They'll figure it out soon enough.

I have a feeling that if enough moms did this we wouldn't have quite so many AIBU posts on this and similar incidents.

BTW, OP, YANBU, you were a lot nicer to the kid than I would have been.

benjysmum · 24/10/2009 20:48

Apologies for double post, laptop has gone mad again

nappyaddict · 25/10/2009 02:54

Demon I've no idea why he won't say sorry. I guess it just depends what mood he is in.

benjysmum Unfortunately I have been doing that with my DS for 18 months. He hasn't yet figured it out, so it doesn't always happen soon enough.

Blondeshavemorefun · 25/10/2009 10:03

yanbu littleducks

you asked the little boy to stop kicking and he didnt

the mum was in the wrong and should have told her son to stop and if he didnt to then remove from train

unfortuanally other parents dont always do what we want them to

Niknak21 · 25/10/2009 10:13

If only we could put the parents on th naughty step

simplesusan · 25/10/2009 16:18

Yanbu

I cannot abide anyone who thinks it is wrong for their precious little shit to be disciplined.

If it had been me and she had spoken to me like that I would have laid into her in a way that everyone within a 1/2 mile radius would have heard.

I really would have given her a piece of my mind and told her that if her kid touched mine again then I would take matters into my own hands as she is clearly unfit to handle the situation.

Sending you a hug.
PS no problem with the behaviour of the child it is the way in which "parents" deal with the situation.

MillyMollyMoo · 25/10/2009 19:17

Am I the only one who is mortified if my child hits out ? I usually go totally over the top apologising, buying the child a lollipop if we're at softplay etc etc ?
I just cannot imagine reacting as that woman did and probably would have said something to the library staff on the way out.
If kids can't behave then they should stay at home until they can, although in some cases that might be 18 rather than school age.

nappyaddict · 27/10/2009 04:13

Kids are never going to behave 100% of the time - they just don't have the maturity to yet. Are you suggesting we keep them all hidden under lock and key As everyone (or most people) have said on here it's not the child or the behaviour people have the problem with, it's when parents don't move their child away if they are hurting another one, take things off them if they keep throwing them or attempting to damage them in some other way etc that they have the problem with.

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