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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that if your toddler repeatedly kicks another child and is asked to please stop that you shouldnt get cross at other mum?

72 replies

littleducks · 22/10/2009 15:36

DS (18 mo) was at library singing thing and was playing in a sit on train that attaches top bookcase. There was another child thee, of similar age prob slightly older (about 2).

He kicked ds twice hard in a row and as i said to him "Please don't kick" he did it again harder so I finished "it isnt friendly" (in a cherry voice not cross or very loud) as i tried to extract ds from seat, ds was at this point crying and he is a child who takes a few knocks no fuss as he has an older sister and plays at todddlers etc.

I did then manage to pick ds out of train, other mother who had her back turned picking books through this came over said something that i couldnt catch over ds crying then turned baxck to books, then turned back and said to me "Don't say that to him" complete with withering look.

I was she didnt say anything to her boy at all. I think that he must do it often as otherwise why would she immediately assume i was talking to him and not my ds? her child wasnt upset by what i said at all (he kept on trying to kick).

I didnt say anything but was bit pissed off tbh, surely if she doesnt want anyone to ever reproach her child she should be standing there watching him?

OP posts:

CheerfulYank · 22/10/2009 18:25

No one is saying that this child was a horrid little brat, just that the mother should have dealt with it. The first time it happened the mother should have told him firmly not to kick, and when it happened again she should have said, "Right, well, you're not ready to play here then," apologized to the OP's dc, and removed the kicker.

All kids are "naughty" sometimes. My DS is two, so he has kicked, snatched toys, etc, but I don't continue to let him do it as I feel this condones the behavior. And if an adult did reasonably correct his behavior, I would be more than fine with that, as I think any rational person would.

Megglevache · 22/10/2009 18:27

That mum was a twat.

I've come across a few today!

nappyaddict · 22/10/2009 18:34

Cheerful I partly agree with you. She should have moved him to stop him from kicking the other little boy. I don't necessarily think she should have told him not to kick. Sometimes they do it to seek a reaction and it is best to stay calm, say nothing and just move them away.

ADealingMummy · 22/10/2009 19:23

I would have moved my DD away from the situation quickly , and with minimum of fuss , and found something else fun to play with, especially as the child kicking is only 2 years old.
The child probably didn't have preschool that day.
My 2 year old only attends school 2 mornings a week.

Original poster

littleducks · 22/10/2009 20:03

nappy- she said something to me, looking me directly in eye at adult height not looking at her ds, im pretty sure she just repeated herself but i didnt fully hear as i ds was crying and i couldnt actually believe anyone would say that

I dont think her child was a brat, i dont think that he is any different really to my ds, i dont think him kicking is that awful tbh but to say to someone that they cannot speak to your child in a public place is just a bit, well loopy. I dont need a singing all dancing apology but i dont think i should be reprimanded, fgs i wasnt kicking.

I appreciate child may have been older/ younger and i cant judge, so i was talking in a cheery light voice, i didnt say he was naughty or bad just said its not friendly. I dont thnk child was old enough for preschool.

If she had come over and moved him away or even totally ignored it i wouldnt have felt it was a big drama and would have forgotten about it by now, but i cant believe anyone would say that.

OP posts:

Original poster

littleducks · 22/10/2009 20:09

And as she had her back turned choosing books from shelves she didnt see any of the kicks

OP posts:

zebramummy · 22/10/2009 21:02

maybe she had "issues" that you dont know about - does not sound like a rational, healthy reaction. i am terrible in these situations - i think of the best thing to have said only a few seconds later

junkcollector · 22/10/2009 21:38

YANBU at all- She is a loon.

"Cherry Voice", what a lovely expression. I'm going to try and use it everyday from now on.

anonymous85 · 23/10/2009 04:11

YDENBU I would have bit back, no wonder her DS behaves that way

Stigaloid · 23/10/2009 10:08

nappy i wasn't talking about the 18 month old - i was talking about the 2 year old who deliberately continued to kick the 18 month old when told to stop. That is naughty. And i have a 2 year old and he knows when he is doing something wrong believe you me, so they would understand they are being naughty when they are being naughty. My little devil will look you right in the eye with a smile on his face when he does something that you ask him not to (his current favourite is throwing water out of the bath at me or DH and getting us soaked - grrrr!)

Tigerlily1 · 23/10/2009 11:29

My 2 and half yr old son is going through a slight hitting phase and I am on top of it to the point where I can see if he's going to go for a child and I immediately react. If he does hit them I make him apologise and explain it is not nice and why we don't hit people. I am always mortified when he does it as he is lovely really, i think it is something to do with me being heavily pregnant and he does it for attention. there is no way I would ever get angry with another mother for saying something to him if he had hit her child and i had not seen it. obviously, unless the mother was really nasty or aggressive to him.
if we don't drum it into them that it is not acceptable to hit/bite/kick then they will carry on as they don't know any better.
i think my son's phase is waning now thank god!
if another child was kicking my son and his mother was unprepared to say something i would definitely speak to the child so you are nbu.

nappyaddict · 23/10/2009 11:38

OP said he was about the same maybe slightly older so 18 months to 2. Even if he was 2 it is not that different to 18 months anyway. I still stand by the fact that toddlers are just being toddlers and pushing boundaries else how are they going to learn what they can and can't do. They often remember being told not to do things but they just have to do them anyway to see what happens. It's all part of their development.

If the mother hadn't come over I would have moved my child away from her child and just gone over and mentioned it to her so she knew about it and could deal with it herself. Firstly because as you've experienced people can get funny about you reprimanding their child and secondly because I'd be thinking she might be doing the same thing as us and ignoring bad behaviour but couldn't move him if she wasn't aware that it was happening.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 23/10/2009 11:40

littleducks YANBU

A similar thing happened to a friend of mine. Her baby got hit over the head (hard) by a toddler of about 2, whose mother was not watching. My friend, who has 3 children, said very gently, "Don't hit, it isn't nice"

Other mother comes steaming in and says "she doesn't understand".

Baby crying, no apology to my friend or the baby from the other mother.

I think some people react like this because they misguidedly believe they should defend their child to the hilt, and that no-one else should discipline their child.

Others, whose children hit a lot, sometimes are so frustrated about it they become a bit helpless, wish it wasn't happening and almost act as if it isn't a big deal.

BTW, my youngest used to hit other children, and I think that if the child is too young to apologise, then, at the very least, the parent should apologise and model good social skills.

nappyaddict · 23/10/2009 11:40

Also he didn't kick after being told not to - he was already kicking whilst being told not to. It's not the same.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 23/10/2009 11:43

nappyaddict - people do get funny about you reprimanding their child, but I think that it takes a community to raise a child, and as long as you are perhaps gentler than you might be with your own child, this is acceptable.

It is not just about reprimanding, it is about your child seeing that you are defending them in an assertive way.

Bucharest · 23/10/2009 11:45

OP- YANBU

...and here we go again justifying/excusing bad behaviour by trotting out the "oh aren't you precious" "maybe she had problems/maybe he was younger" yada yada.

So what if he was younger? He needs to be told as soon as that violence towards another child is not on. If his mother isn't capable of doing it then someone else needs to.

I just don't get all the blimmin righteous indignation on behalf of people who have been caught out behaving badly, whether they be 2 or 42.

nappyaddict · 23/10/2009 11:46

Jamie She wasn't necessarily saying don't say that to my daughter though was she? She was just explaining her DD hadn't done it maliciously and probably wouldn't take on board what your friend had said.

I say similar if anything like that happens with DS (who usually laughs if anyone reacts to him). I say, "Sorry he doesn't mean it in a nasty way, he doesn't understand."

Jamieandhismagictorch · 23/10/2009 11:51

nappy but you did say sorry, didn't you ? That mother did not. She was more worried about her righteous indignation.

And yes, a 2 year old does not necessarily understand the consequences of their behaviour, but as parents, I think that you should tell your child something isn't acceptable (not in a shrieky over-the-top way), but so that the message gets through in a drip-drip way.

Got to go now. Will come back to this thread. V. interesting.

DamonBradleylovesPippi · 23/10/2009 11:51

A boy of 4 pushed, kicked and spat at dd 18m. She is as hard as they come but cried. His mum was not there. I told him off sternly, in the same way as I did a million times a minute before to my dd. He couldn't have cared less - he is always like that.
Another mum told the boy's mum who came over to me and said 'I heard you have told him off, thank you, he shouldn't do that.'
I am glad she reacted that way and even felt a bit guilty and selfconscious.
My dd was told off by some parents today for stealing a toy and trying to hit and I was pleased. I believe it is good when it comes from other people as well so that children learn that those are the rules of the community not just of your boring mum.

DamonBradleylovesPippi · 23/10/2009 11:52

Oh and I believe a 2 yo does know very well what he/she's doing. My dds have known pretty early why they were told off and what was good to do and what was not. To say he doesn't understad is a bit imo.

nappyaddict · 23/10/2009 12:36

Damon but some really don't. Mine is 3 and doesn't. He sits there pinching and scratching himself because he thinks it feels nice. Therefore if he does it to other people he thinks he is being nice to them. If you react to him then he thinks that's hilarious and will do it again to get another reaction.

DemonBradleySlaysPippi · 23/10/2009 12:47

You are probably right NA, I shouldn't make statements about every child based on my two.

mistermister · 23/10/2009 12:52

YADNBU! You should have handed her a book on "manners" on the way out, so that she could have shared it with her son!!!

Jamieandhismagictorch · 23/10/2009 14:16

nappy, I take your point.

I just think that whenever your child hurts another child (and as I said before, my DS2 used to hit and bite other children when he was this age if given half the chance), the first thing the other parent doesn't want to hear is an explanation/justification for their behaviour.

nappyaddict · 23/10/2009 18:30

So you'd rather think that a child was purposely being malicious and deliberately hurting your child and found it funny? If that's the case I should probably modify what I say to parents. I honestly thought they'd rather know their child wasn't the target of some vicious attack.

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