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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to take MIL's 'advice/opinions' badly and be angry with DH for lack of support?

28 replies

beanpip · 22/10/2009 08:47

Sorry - another MIL one! Please help me!

She used to stay deadly quiet when I was doing or saying something about the kids that she didn't like - making it known in her own silent way that she didn't like it. I'd much prefer that to how she's gone now!

She's recently retired (eek) and decided she's going to tell me a lot of things I'm doing wrong starting with "Jimmy & I have been talking a lot about this and..."

a) for a nutritionist you feed your children terrible food
b) your special needs son needs to be properly assessed/needs speech therapy/physiotherapy

etc

and the other day it was "your youngest needs some one on one time so we'd like to take him on Friday for the day" - even though I'd told her we were really busy all week!!

I told her nicely that she was upsetting me by saying these things and she was really shocked and has since ignored me. DH is less than useless and it makes me hate him! I've never felt so alone in my life - my family are thousands of miles away and I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle!

I just want to scream to everyone - THEY ARE MY KIDS JUST FUCK OFF!!!!!!!!!!!

AIBU???

OP posts:
FlamingoBingo · 22/10/2009 08:50

YANBU

Not sure what to suggest though!

ben5 · 22/10/2009 08:53

ask her what she would feed them. maybe she could make up a meal planner for you(that you can then put in bin!!)
ask her to have the other kids so you could spend some 1 on 1 time with youngest?!!
tell her that special needs children are assessed over a period of time so the best plan of action can be made up for them. also there are long waiting list esp. for speech.
good luck

diddl · 22/10/2009 08:56

Ask her if her MIL kept criticising/telling her what to do.

If she says yes,tell her she might have put up with it, but you won´t so STFU.

If she says no, tell her you would like the same respect given to you, and she can STFU!

Bucharest · 22/10/2009 08:56

Who is Jimmy?
If it's your husband he needs a rocket up his arse to be discussing your parenting with his mother.

dizzydixies · 22/10/2009 08:57

you have 2 choices here as far as I can see

don't you dare reply to any of it - get DH to grow a fecking spine and have him get her to back the feck off

oh and get a flyer for your local college so she can start some classes and get a hobby that doesn't include interfering with your life

OOORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

be grateful that you have family in your life willing to be a part of the kids upbringing and bite your tongue and smile graciously whilst making sure you get her to help with the kids when it suits you and helps you out - without her realising its not her idea iyswim?

Original poster
beanpip · 22/10/2009 08:58

Thanks guys!

Jimmy is her husband btw lol!

OP posts:
Bucharest · 22/10/2009 09:00

Right.....OK, apologies to dh!

Get her to join the U3A.......

Original poster
beanpip · 22/10/2009 09:00

Dizzydixies - I usually do the latter... but its getting more difficult as it makes ME feel spineless too!

OP posts:
Original poster
beanpip · 22/10/2009 09:01

"Get her to join the U3A...."

lol I am TOTALLY going to get her to do that!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
beanpip · 22/10/2009 09:04

Oh another thing Dizzydixies - she only says these things when DH is NOT around - she's very clever!

OP posts:
stuffitllllama · 22/10/2009 09:10

She is overstepping the boundaries of appropriate social conduct.

Therefore you have a perfect right to do the same.

Enjoy.

dizzydixies · 22/10/2009 09:11

oh lordy - nothing worse that a MIL who is jealous of the relationship you have with her PFB

I am at the stage with my PIL that they only get to stay at ours (they live in a different country and are feck all use to us or DC even on the rare occassions they visit frankly) if I'm away somewhere and if I'm here they're not allowed to stay in the house - its the ONLY thing DH and I argue about and we're both sick of it

don't get dragged into her emotional blackmail crap - tell DH to sort it before you're forced to do so and see if that works!

good luck, she sounds like a right PITA

Helloall · 22/10/2009 09:22

Bounce it back to her. Tell her since SHE has retired, you are concerned she may be struggling with the change - as she used to be so supportive. You and your husband have been discussing how to help HER - she needs some interests - hand her some flyers you've picked up from the local college for courses she could do. Sit back and see how she likes it.

Might be her fear of retiring that is provoking her getting so involved.

weblette · 22/10/2009 09:25

Like that idea Helloall, very good.

YANBU

Sbeanmum · 22/10/2009 09:27

Agree with helloall, that's a brilliant strategy! Good luck, sounds like a nightmare

IsItMeOr · 22/10/2009 09:33

YANBU.

Agree Helloall has a good idea .

Sending you supportive, you know you're doing a fab job, don't you, vibes.

IsItMeOr · 22/10/2009 09:36

Oh, and if she feels so strongly about the speech therapy/physiotherapy and you agree, could you suggest that they pay for your ds to have some privately given long wait lists? If they can afford to help, and it would be a help in your opinion, could be a win/win for you and your ds? From my limited understanding, it does seem to help for children to get more help early. But you will know much better than me .

Original poster
beanpip · 22/10/2009 09:38

Thank you so much for all your help I feel SOOOOOO much better now!

Not quite so alone

OP posts:
upahill · 22/10/2009 09:42

Oh God!! This takes me back. My MIL was just the same. She used to dispense opinions out of DH earshot. I used to take them if I thought it was ggod advice but ignore if it didn't suit.

Heck I even remember one day when I was going through a 'I must be nice to MIL'phase - they never lasted- and she was round for the afternoon. DS was about 3 and had been poorly. He wanted sweets but I said no. He went into kitchen and dragged the bench to the fridge to climb in. I got him in time and said 'naughty boy go and sit in the hall for a minute and think why I am cross'
MIL turned round and said 'you are an unfit mother how dare ou do that to my grandson.' I said 'How dare you say that - get out out of my house now and go back to your daughters.'
Get this! She said 'no darling i'll wait for my son to take me home.' 4 Friggin' hours I had to sit with her!!!!

Beanpip, I'm feeling for you! I screamed silently that cry of yours to!!!

Helloall's idea is genius!

WhereYouLeftIt · 22/10/2009 09:50

At the risk of being flamed, I don't know you and I don't know your MIL and I don't know the history of your relationship beyond what you have told us or the tone in which any of these comments were made.

The three examples you give :

  1. What does she think you should be feeding them? What are you feeding them?
  2. I have no experience in dealing with SEN - what sort of assessments are the norm? Would you like any of these things to happen? Do you consider them neccessary?
  3. You'd said you were busy all week, could she have thought taking one of your sons on Friday could have eased the load on you?

As for this all being out of earshot of your DH - could it actually be a cack-handed attempt to not be seen to criticise you in front of him, for your benefit rather than her own? Could the whole thing be tactlessness on her part rather than malice?

IsItMeOr · 22/10/2009 09:55

That's a thoughtful post WhereYouLeftIt. The out of earshot thing hadn't occurred to me.

CinnabarRed · 22/10/2009 10:13

What WhereYouLeftIt said.

Obv I don't know your family, but your MIL sounds like a concerned GP rather than an interfering old bag!

I know how bad I would feel if I even made a decision about DS that, however well intentioned, wasn't in his best interest and the rest of my family had noticed and hadn't said anything....

Sharpyharpy · 22/10/2009 16:49

''I know how bad I would feel if I even made a decision about DS that, however well intentioned, wasn't in his best interest and the rest of my family had noticed and hadn't said anything.... ''

Hate this and how Whereyou left it said

There is family concern/asked for advice and there is bloody undermining patronising I know better than you interference.

1.She says she's a nutritionist ? so I think what she's feeding her kids is her business ? literally and asking her to lay it out for your perusal is as bad as the MIL
2.Unless your a feckless git, if you have a child with SN you know what you should be doing/getting done as far as it is possible within the maze of the NHS/education system

If you ask for help/advice fine but it is obviously upsetting the Op so she MIL should but out

tinkerbellesmuse · 22/10/2009 17:12

Unless there is a big history here I would be inclined to give her the benefit of the doubt.

i) most of us feed our children a diet that is not entirely consistent with perfection due to DC's dislikes/time/inclination etc or could mil have just caught you on a couple of "off" meals.

E.G tonight children were fed beans, toast and fishfingers. Usually I do better but had crap day and so all I felt up to after 2 glasses of wine . This is not normal but I would expect friends to be concerned if they thought it was!

ii) Could she trying to be helpful? If your sone is not having those things maybe se has no idea that they are not necessary/you are on the waiting list etc.

iii)Depends how you said you were busy all week - sometimes I tell my parents ow busy I am with a faint look of desperation in my eye and secretly hope they'll offer to have a child or two....

NanaNina · 25/10/2009 23:24

I thought the important words in the OP were the ones about "my family being miles away" and wonder if this is at the heart of the problem. Like others have said I wonder what is the history of this r/ship, as it's difficult to know with just a few examples. However this mil does sound like she is interfering and being unnecessarily rude.

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