To think everyone bickers?

[Stigaloid]

My DH and i bicker like there is no tomorrow. We love each other dearly and our relationship is very strong, but we are also both strong characters, both believe we are in charge and both like to think we are right a lot of the time. We do compromise when need be but in general we bicker.

Are we the only ones? Dh says we icker too much in front of our DS but truth be told, i ask DH to do something, he either doesn't do it, ignores what i says at the time or tells me he will do it but not the way i ask, the way he thinks it should be done etc etc (He can never simply just do as i ask - it always has to be done his way - grrr!) I think we bicker a lot in front of DS too but i am also tired of asking him to do something and never having the answer be 'ok, sure'. IMO he is teaching our DS that when mum asks you to do something you can always answer back (but that is another story)

Please tell me i am not the only one who feels this way.

I am also 32 weeks pregnant, hormonal and blooming tired all the time, so appreciate i am not at my best, but it seems we have always bickered and being parents has just meant one long sleep deprived journey over the last few years anyway.

Do you bicker with your OH?

(sorry it is long)

um

I am not smug about the fact that we never fight. We just never do. It is something that we don't like to do so we don't. That isn't smug

I don't bicker with my dp or argue particularly. We do disagree but don't have to do it with sniping or at the tops of our voices.

Occassionally one of us will snap at the other but the other will ignore it until that person has calmed down.

We had some big rows when we first moved in together and maybe have one every couple of years now but it only tends to last 10 minutes.

I hate arguing (I grew up in a family that constantly screamed/bickered/snapped and are generally unable to have a civil conversation and abhored it) and it tends to leave me paralysed with fear.

I just think there is very little worth shouting about and dp tends to be of the same opinion.

I think it is more about past experiences and personality type than any particular strategy or conscious thought though.

we have certainly been known to bicker, but really we try not to do it all the time

simply because since I've had children I've realised how exhausting it is to have to listen to other people's bickering, how babyish it sounds and how you wish they'd just shut up and grow up

and if my dcs sound that way to me, then that is how I expect we sound to them

Hmm we don't whine/nag (well he would say it is nagging - i would say that asking him to do something repeatedly is just as annoying as him not doing it - eg putting dirty dishes on top of the dishwasher instead of in it - gets annoying to constantly say 'do you mind doing it next time please') and we don't sulk - because we resolve our differences. We disagree a lot - i call that bickering. We would never call each other stupid or names and we certainly wouldn't snatch things out of each other's hands etc.

DH and I don't argue or bicker - we don't really disagree that much. I do however boss him about too much - but I always apologise.

We are generally polite to each other - say please and think you etc and don't swear at each other - although I do swear generally am trying to put a lid on that with the kids around though.

We are fine.

Howver I have a friend who argues with her DH all the time, they shout at each other a lot. The children ignore it as they are used to it.

She says her way is "healthy" and to never argue is unhealthy - presumably she assumes if you don't argue it must mean you are holding things in and are simmering with resentment. I haven't dared ask what it means if actually, you don't really have anything to argue about.

I think that it depends on your upbringing - how your parents were - as to what you consider normal and healthy and how you prefer to deal with things. And then people who are similar probably seek each other out. Neither way is right wrong though - as long as the not arguing is genuine - and conversely any arguing is not OTT.

I think both of you have to be lovers not fighters for the No Bickering to work.. If one person is stubborn, controlling or fond of snidey/snaippy comments, then they will suck the other person into bickering. It is just personality types, in my opinion.

Two bickerers who love each other to death nonetheless probably are healthier that one peacemaker who feels miserable and nagged.

"I am not smug about the fact that we never fight. We just never do. It is something that we don't like to do so we don't. That isn't smug "

A big ditto

"I just think there is very little worth shouting about and dp tends to be of the same opinion."

Also ditto

I have friends who bicker and they sound like Terry and June

I hate people bickering personally, it makes me feel uncomfortable

All those people who think marital arguing is healthy- do you think it is equally healthy for children to argue? Have you never been known to come down like a ton of bricks on sibling bickering?

I don't suppose we sound any better than they do.

I agree with mp- there is nothing more excruciating than hearing other people do it. I'd be less embarrassed if I could hear them shagging tbh...

"make up" sex is always good though after a big old fight IMO or is that just me?

Okay maybe i should put an example down

This morning. 5 am my beautiful little DS walks into room and announces 'morning mummy'

me: oh no sweetheart - it is 5am - it is still sleepy time. You need to go back to bed
(cue whining)
DH: Back to bed please DS.
(more whining)
Me: don't worry honey (DH) i will take him back as you did it last time so you can get more sleep.
DH: Just don't stay in the bed with him. That will only encourage this behaviour. Put him back and leave.
Me: (tired from restless night's sleep due to baby kicking all night) Why don't you let me do it my way? I know it may not be the best thing, but i am tired, he is tired and you are tired.
DH: No need to snap at me.

Me taking DS back to bed. Lie down with him and let him go back to sleep (sort of - he is pretty much awake)

Me back in bed to DH

DH: we bicker too much in front of DS.

I know i take it as a criticism and therefore get upset but really - what is so wrong with me offering to settle DS my way so DH can get sleep?

Started a thread on here recently about how people handle disagreements infront of DC (along lines of is it healthy for them never to witness a disagreement...).

I felt a bit shocked (and shamed) at the posters who said they never ever argue and sort everything out in an adult calm manner.

Feel a bit better now I can see that there are plenty of posters on this thread who have good relationships with DH/DP yet do sometimes disagree/argue/bicker- phew not just us then!!

I think that lots of people who do it assume that bickering & fighting = passion, whereas people who don't just think it smacks of contempt for each other and poor conflict resolution skills. In reality it is probably just a difference in style and personality.

In our house it's because I'm always right and sometimes he forgets.

Well stigaloid that doesn't seem to bad to me - it was more of a conversation than a childish bicker.

Also I think it is not bickering in itself that's bad. It depends on what underlies it. If a couple bicker because they really piss each other off and can't help sniping constantly, that's bad. If they are actually loving and supportive of each other but let of steam with a bit of a moan at each other, I think that's OK (especially if good humoured). And I think children can tell the difference too.

Me and DP actually are generally respectful when it comes to important issues or if one of us really is feeling hurt or ignored etc. We rarely have actual rows. We just bicker to let out annoyances in a relatively good-natured way.

I think lots of different ways can be healthy. People are different. The fact that one particular person doesn't shout or argue doesn't have to mean that they are suppressing their true feelings- some people just have a naturally long fuse, like other people have a naturally short fuse.

And in other cases, it can just be a case of how you interact with that particular person.

Dh and I argue very rarely, but it is not just about being considerate of dcs (imho my very loving parents bickered too much and I thought it was a dreadful habit). More than anything it's about chemistry: he doesn't rub me up the wrong way very often, we get angry at very different things, so we're not often angry at the same time (takes two to tango). If I was with somebody more like me, or he with somebody more like him, there would probably be more bickering.

I don't think that means that we have a duty to start shouting at each other just for the sake of it. As I said, I did use to find my parents...not scary...but just really really annoying. And I find dcs really really annoying when they bicker too.

sounds like the problem wasn;t so much the disagreement over parenting styles, the problem was voicing said disagreement at 5am...

DH should have kept schtum and then tonight over dinner and a glass of wine he might say 'Stig, I've been thinking about whether getting back into bed with ds is the best way to help him get to sleep by himself' or similar.
If he wasn;t capable of keeping his mouth shut at the time you might have said eg 'can we discuss this later?' and whisked ds off.

Of course I argue with my dh! Quite a lot actually. But general low-level sniping and bickering I find tiresome and tedious. My dh knows not to try and start anything like that with me because I will just ignore him. And I cannot stand being in the company of couples who do it constantly in front of other people. I said my bil and sil were childish in the extreme, Stig, not you.

I bicker, DP ignores me. We have the type of arguments PreciousLillyWhite describes as well although they're usually accompanied by giggling as it gets more and more rude and ridiculous and we start using voices (shut the fuck up you fucking fuck fuck pig in cowboy voice etc).

Also agree that it's not on to bicker in front of friends, that can be excruciating.

Stigaloid- you need to talk about the logic of your approaches when you are wide awake and up and about really- it sounds like there is a bit of a difference of opinion there, but you both want a happy settled toddler, the question is how? You both have a point.

In the meantime: blackout blinds, and maybe that sex-aid for couples with young children, vaseline? On the door-handle.

Stigaloid - I think that only saints are not driven to a leeeelte bicker when woken up at 5am (for the second time). Over tiredness really does not bring out the best in DP and me.

I would bicker loads if DP let me, as it is he just looks sad if I snap at him...

so no bickering here, dammit.

Stig - you put the baby back to bed with a lovely sweet smile for dh, and then you go back to your own room and accidentally trip up falling on him and accidentally elbowing him really hard.