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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be irritated at the post office woman commenting on my name?

32 replies

LissyGlitter · 15/10/2009 17:01

I changed my surname by deed poll about two years ago to match DP and DD. It was just easier, quicker and cheaper than getting married, and I'm old fashioned in that I like the idea of us all having the same name. I also started calling myself "Ms", mainly because I didn't want to sound like DPs sister by using Miss (and also a "miss" with a child didn't seem right, I wanted to mark that I was now a full-grown woman) and also because "Mrs" would sound like we were married, which we aren't (yet).

Anyway, now I always give my name as Ms, but it tends to get filled in as Miss or Mrs by people over the phone, so I have ID with all three titles on.

I went to the Post Office to cash a cheque today and the woman behind the counter very nearly refused to do it, on the grounds that the cheque was made out to Miss X, and the letter I had as ID (from the same people, btw, god knows why it was different) was addressed to Ms X. The PO woman said "Miss would mean you have never been married, and Ms would mean you are divorced, which are you?" I said it was complicated, as I couldn't be bothered to go into my life story with some random woman. It was only through me having a big pile of ID of all different types for both titles that she "let me off" as she put it.

Surely it is my choice what title I decide to use?

OP posts:
southeastastra · 15/10/2009 17:03

it is and the title ms has nothing to do with being divorced.

Original poster
LissyGlitter · 15/10/2009 17:03

I also had the midwife a few months back refusing to put me down as Ms as apparently it would be confusing for people. So I had to be Miss (same surname as the father of the baby), as if that is less confusing!

OP posts:
Original poster
LissyGlitter · 15/10/2009 17:04

sountheastastra I know! What century are these people living in? My DP doesn't have to discuss his marital status with all and sundry, why should I?

OP posts:
colditz · 15/10/2009 17:05

yes, it is your choice. I have recently started using Ms. At 29 with two children I feel Miss is no longer appropriate. It's my damn name - nobody feels the necessity to comment on a MAN's marital and sexual status!

ib · 15/10/2009 17:07

I've always used Ms. Have been married for ages. No one has ever questioned it.

hocuspontas · 15/10/2009 17:09

Ms just means your marital status is no one else's business. Although I've heard others insist it's about being divorced. I've been a Ms for nearly 30 years and the thing that still rankles is the mzzzzzzz pronunciation. Get over it jerks.

Clayhead · 15/10/2009 17:11

I always use Ms too, have been married for 10 years. Used it before then too.

TheDevilEatsBabies · 15/10/2009 17:12

Ms means you are an adult woman, nothing more nothing less.

using Miss with a married/assumed name is wrong: you would be mrs if married and Miss if divorced and using your previous married name
miss can also be used with your maiden name.

WhereYouLeftIt · 15/10/2009 19:03

I've never heard the Ms=divorced before. What nonsense! Ms just means that you're female, the same as Mr means male.

fluffles · 15/10/2009 19:07

when i filled in my disclosure scotland application it told me i couldn't put Ms if i didn't have any previous married names!!!

i usually put Ms when i can because i do not want to advertise my unmarried status as it is none of anybody's business.

overmydeadbody · 15/10/2009 19:07

Ms doesn't mean you are divorced! Ignorant woman.

DorotheaPlentighoul · 15/10/2009 19:07

Of course Ms doesn't = divorced. People are such knobs sometimes. I am Living In Sin, never married, but have used Ms since I was a student.

I know someone whose sister is a PhD and she takes some pleasure, when people say "is that Miss or Mrs?", in replying, "actually, it's Dr."

fluffles · 15/10/2009 19:08

also, when i marry i will take DPs name for some things but probably not work where i have built up a very hard-won reputation and profile. but i will not want to use miss with my maiden name... and can't use mrs with my maiden name... so it'll have to be ms. whatever the stupid forms say!

fluffles · 15/10/2009 19:09

Disclosure Scotland think it means that!!!

JustAnotherManicMummy · 15/10/2009 19:16

Your marital status is irrelvent. Miss/Ms are interchangable IMO. Although I proably wouldn't let someone cash a cheque made out to Mrs if their ID said Miss as it could be their mother's (or another relative's) cheque. But what you've described is jobsworthiness at its worst.

I would write a complaint. You never know, you might get some stamps as compensation

Squishabelle · 15/10/2009 19:22

Only Royal Mail give stamps as compensation! Nothing to do with them!

Firawla · 15/10/2009 19:28

I use Ms because I got married and didnt change my name, so if i put Mrs my last name it seems wrong as my husband is not Mr that name, and miss means unmarried.. so just go for ms
that lady doesn't understand the purpose of ms i think, she should just get on with her job not stick her nose into people's business

ninagleams · 15/10/2009 20:05

If either of those women had said that to me I would have had their guts for garters. I've been a Ms for 10 years and my mum's been one for far longer. She's not divorced and I'm not married.

Original poster
LissyGlitter · 15/10/2009 20:08

Is there a quick answer to give to people without offending them? It's just that usually people who question it seem to be people I need to be on the good side of.

OP posts:
JustAnotherManicMummy · 15/10/2009 20:28

"Sorry do you have that policy in writing as I couldn't find it anywhere in my copy of your terms and conditions".

mazzystartled · 15/10/2009 20:30

I always decline to give a title, just give my first name or initial, precisely for this reason.

I am married, but didn't change my surname so neither Miss nor Mrs work. Ms leads to raised eyebrows.

If only I'd decided to do that Phd......

FWIW the woman at the PO was silly, but only trying to do her job properly and didn't mean any harm.

MaggieBehaveOutGuising · 15/10/2009 20:34

I use Ms and I'm not divorced.

Title isn't going to make a cheque made out to your uncashable I don't think.

stickylittlefingers · 15/10/2009 20:44

I would just say Ms is the title I have chosen (in a smiley sort of way). Anyone who tells you you're not allowed to choose is wrong.

I'm another Mser, tho I must admit it's never been a problem for me. Perhaps because I'm a bit scary (or so I'm told!)

pingviner · 15/10/2009 22:34

I was a Ms until I was Dr. For simplicitys sake I use this as my title on everything, and will not change it when married. I never saw the relevance of my married status to a lot of interactions

I had to report my phone stolen once and the man was very insistant I was either a Miss or Mrs. There were apparently no other options. I did try and explain to him that since every single interaction I have is under the name Dr Pingviner, Miss or indeed Mrs Pingviner cannot really be considered to exíst since theres not a legal trace of them anywhere.

I decided not to fuss too much since life is short and breezily told him to put whatever he wanted since the letter would be coming to my address anyway. He refused this as I hadnt told him my correct title
Manager sorted it out though

mamas12 · 15/10/2009 22:45

I hate using titles at all. When asked I just say 'no title' it really confuses some (and their computers) but if Quakers can do it why can't I?
I have also, when asked 'is it miss or mrs?' I reply which do I say for the discount?
Nobodys bloody business, ring the post office manager and tell them to do a bit of re training of their staff.