I'm really interested in this thread
My 6yr old can be exactly like this on bad mornings:
why does my tummy hurt?
I bet xxx won't play with me today
why can't I take such and such to school? (a toy or a plastic necklace or an item that is against the rules) and she then proceeds to makes a really huge fuss about it
I don't like xxx for breakfast etc
My tummy hurts
(although she loves school and when she couldn't go one day last week she was very annoyed)
but she is a bit Jekyll and Hyde
On good mornings she is singing "operatic" arias at the top of her voice or (like this morning) chasing her father around the dining room table with a feather duster...
Both can be quite draining tbh!!
But I'm quite Jekyll and Hyde too I suppose -both in my own behaviour and in the way I respond to hers
I veer between ClariceBeansmum's approach -her post had me cheering in parts, particularly about sports kit (how will dc learn otherwise?)
and then I remember how miserable I felt as a child (the general lack of control over your own life, having to abide by everyone else's rules, having to be in a "group" setting the whole time) and I try (not very effectively) to engage in the "How to talk approach?" because I DO srongly believe it is important to acknowledge how dc are feeling -they don't have the ability themselves to recognise or identify why they are feeling bad (it's usually anxiety at the base of it) or express it effectively
I often feel grumpy in the morning or foul-tempered when I get home from work but I can "soothe" myself (usually with wine ) or chatting to someone
Thinking about it, I think (ideally!) dc need a mixture of both approaches - strong boundaries (like ClariceBean's) combined with an open ear which allows them to express their anxieties
I realise the above is not at all helpful Eccentrica and as is evident, am no expert myself, but I think in your shoes I would be trying to give your dd another more productive way of expressing herself ...
ie could she have a daily 'log' that helps her to express her emotions - she might just draw facial expressions depicting happy, angry, sad and perhaps write or draw a line as to why that is the case
(at the very least you would have a record for your meeting with a psychologist and it might identify a pattern - ie she is always particularly anxious on Thursday mornings when it's swimming ...or somethign)
It might also provide you - in material form - with a basis from which you can both have a calm discussion at other times of the day when the flashpoints have subsided (ie a quiet talk before bed)
Or she could have a "special box" full of things that she finds calming and soothing which she can look at or do, when she is whinging (ie sew a patchwork square each time she feels nervous or have a photo in there depicting an event she was dreading which she went on to enjoy)
Or have a special "quiet cushion" in your house next to a CD player where she can go and listen to a favourite song when she is feeling stressed
Or a special pet she can stroke
Or perhaps you could encourage her to really focus and put energy in to an area of her life where she does feel confident and she does have a degree of control (so she can feel strong and effective me) and where she can make things happen, instead of having things happen to her ...(could she organise a fund-raising event, or a little play, or something similar she enjoys?)
I dunno!!
She might be depressed (attributable to chemical imbalances) in which case the earlier she develops coping strategies, the better.
It's interesting that she is "bright and happy" when she is being assessed. Is that because she feels she has to be "perfect" when around others or is it because she likes the attention?
I'd take heart from the fact that she feels "safe" enough with you to whinge and complain, deeply wearing though it must be!! It means she trusts you and is secure enough in your love to test it!!
(Takes off amateur psychologist pince-nez)
I'd be really interested to know how you get on because I reckon I'll be facing the same challenges in a year or so ...good luck with it!!