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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think it OTT to send a 6 year old to the headteacher for a scuffle/fight?

72 replies

SingleMum01 · 14/10/2009 19:07

Right, let me give you the full story. My DS came out of school today, hardly able to breathe, really upset and unable to talk. His teacher said he and another boy (both boys are fairly gently and not fighters) had had a fight in the cloakroom and my DS started it. I asked my DS what had happened, but he was so upset he was unable to talk.

After we got home and he calmed down he told me his version of what had happened. He was singing in the cloakroom and the other boy punched him for singing (which is unlike this boy as far as I'm aware, my DS says he isn't usually like that). Anyway, the other boy punched my DS again and then my DS had had enough so kicked him, then the other boy punched my DS again. One teacher then came into the cloakroom and saw my DS on the floor, and the other boy told her my DS started it. Now I know I wasn't there so didn't see what happened and I don't live in cloud cuckoo land and believe my DS is a complete angel. Neither did any teachers see what happened. However, my DS is really in a state about going to school tomorrow as the teacher has told him he's got to see the headteacher.

I've never been told of him hitting/fighting any other children. I know my son and he is generally gentle and I'm sure I would know if he was a hitter/kicker. If his version is true, part of me thinks good on you for sticking up for yourself (although I know the teachers wouldn't like you to say that). So I've told him if someone hits him he needs to tell the teachers then he can't be blamed for something he hasn't done.

But it also seems over the top if he has to go the headteacher for one incident rather than the teacher dealing with it, as I've never been called into the school or been told he's hurt anyone before. Plus there have been incidents when my DS has been hit and I know the child who did that didn't have to go to see the headteacher.

He's also told me he won't be having his golden time on Friday (where they get to play rather than do lessons). I think that's fair enough punishment for kicking back but to see the headmaster seems OTT.

What are others opinions?

OP posts:

diddl · 15/10/2009 11:04

I would wait until your son gets home.

Find out what happened with the headteacher.

If either of you are not happy with what the headteacher said/did, then speak to him.

diddl · 15/10/2009 11:10

It is sounding as if your son is being bullied, though.

As to the singing-was he doing it to be annoying?

I ask that as you say the other boy isn´t usually one to fight.

Also, the other boy said your son started it-perhaps he feel he did by continuing to sing?

How old are they?

Original poster

SingleMum01 · 15/10/2009 11:16

Thanks diddl. I'll ask my DS when we get home what happened unless the teacher makes a point of speaking to me. I don't want to be the pushy parent wading in if the school are dealing with it. But I don't want my DS to be punished unfairly either.

My DS may have been singing to be annoying, I wouldn't rule that out My DS said if the other boy wanted me to stop he should've just said.

According to my DS the other boy isn't usually a fighter, although one of the other parents (whose child witnessed it) asked me if my DS was okay this morning and said her DD had told her the other boy is a naughty boy.

They are 6.

OP posts:

OrmIrian · 15/10/2009 11:28

As long as the other boy is going too.

It's not neccessarily a punishment, more a way of sorting the problem out. Both boys need to be questioned by a impartial party to see what happened.

Head won't bite them.

diddl · 15/10/2009 11:39

It´s the fine line between wading in,all guns blazing, and trustung someone else to act fairly where your child is concerned, isn´t it?

I think the other issue is that your son has been bullied in the past, so it must be harder to look at objectively.

Plus, if your son was being an annoying little bügger by singing,he doesn´t deserved to get punched repeatedly-if at all.

HarrumphingAndBosomAdjusting · 15/10/2009 11:51

I'm concerned that thid other boy punched your DS four times; hard enough to knock him to the floor.
Ask your DS how it went with the head tonight. If he seems happy, and to have largely forgotten the incident then leave it.
If not, ring the head. Explain what the little girl told her mum about the fight. Ask if the other boy has been spoken to, and suggest head interviews the kids that witnessed it.
Then ask the head to get back to you. If it was as the little girl said, the punishment received by the other boy should be greater than the pnuishment received by the DS, and the head should have a word with the other boy sbout managing his annoyance/aggression if he hasn't done so already.

Original poster

SingleMum01 · 15/10/2009 11:53

The Headmaster is a nice head, its just the thought of going to the head seemed so serious. I hadn't considered it may just be to sort out what happened. I only hope that my son is believed over the other boy, which wasn't the case yesterday, or that they ask the other children who witnessed it what happened.

I'll try and keep calm and see what my DS has to say about what's happened before I speak to teacher/head.

The previous smacking/biting incident were from another boy.

OP posts:

Original poster

SingleMum01 · 15/10/2009 11:56

Harrumphing - my DS was punched so hard in the heart (he said) he couldn't speak when I collected him, at first I thought he couldn't speak 'cos he was upset, but when he told me the whole incident i imagine he'd been punched that hard he'd been winded.

OP posts:

diddl · 15/10/2009 11:58

It is very concerning that your son was knocked to the floor, and I hope there is someone who can back him up on this.

Original poster

SingleMum01 · 15/10/2009 12:03

I'm sure the girl will if asked about it. I'm concerned they don't ask for witnesses and my DS is dealt with unfairly today, especially if the other boy hasn't turned up at school.

OP posts:

OrmIrian · 15/10/2009 12:04

singlemum - when DS1 was about 7 he was sent to the head about an incident with someone's shoelace being dropped down a drain . Really not serious but just to find out what happened because, in that case, the mum was making a fuss.

HTs can be the outside impartial observer that teachers/parents/children can't be.

I am sorry that your DS is worried. I really hope they sort it out and he is made to feel better.

Original poster

SingleMum01 · 15/10/2009 12:08

Thanks OrmIrian - just seemed going to see the headteacher is a really serious thing. I'd be cr**ping myself if it was me!

OP posts:

Original poster

SingleMum01 · 15/10/2009 14:31

Do you think my DS should miss his golden time for retaliating when he'd been punched to the floor?

OP posts:

HarrumphingAndBosomAdjusting · 15/10/2009 15:28

Not really, Sinlgemum, no. He was punched to the floor then kicked out either reflexively or in self-defence. Expecting a child not to retaliate when both are stood up and face to face is one thing, but he was on the floor. Of course he'll lash out. Don't really think he should be punished for that.

piscesmoon · 15/10/2009 19:35

How did it go?

MollieO · 15/10/2009 19:39

At ds's school that would be perfectly normal. In circumstances where no teacher witnessed what happened I would expect both boys to see the head. It was wrong of the other boy to hit but also wrong of your ds to retaliate. I always stress to ds that if anyone does something he doesn't like then he must tell a teacher but not hit back.

Original poster

SingleMum01 · 15/10/2009 19:49

Relieved to see DS came out of school happy, hadn't been called to the head - neither boys as far as I'm aware. He says he's still missing some of his golden time tomorrow, but nothing else has been said.

In one way I'm relieved as he was so distressed about having to see the head, and he seems happy to leave it. But, in another way I don't know if I should let his teacher/head know exactly what happened which would no doubt mean they would definately be be called to the head. I'm miffed that my DS' teacher believes my DS started the fight and feel I should put her straight, but I don't want my DS to go through any more distress.

Should I just let it lie now?

OP posts:

Original poster

SingleMum01 · 15/10/2009 19:51

MollieO - I always stress that too, however, when you've been punched 4 times and are on the floor I can understand how my DS came to kick out.

OP posts:

MuttOfTheBaskervilles · 15/10/2009 19:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

SingleMum01 · 15/10/2009 19:55

Thanks Mutt, I think that's my opinion too, just miffed that the teacher thinks my DS started it and according to others he didn't.

OP posts:

slowreadingprogress · 15/10/2009 21:49

Reallytired posted "My DS was singing in the cloakroom - It would be interesting to know quite what that means. Was he taunting the other boy or was just spectularly irritating? Prehaps your son provoked the other boy quite hard.

Quite often with six year olds its six of one and half a dozen of the other.

Little boys often fight and head teachers spend most their time telling off small boys"

I totally agree. You weren't there so you have to leave it now. It is perfectly possible that your DS wasn't warbling prettily but engaged in a bit of a wind-up; he shouldn't have been hit but the thing is these are six year olds and they are socially inept and prone to lashing out, and situations can escalate - these things happen alot and the school should be well used to dealing with them and getting the facts from the kids eventually.

I think we all need to accept that unsupervised all our little angels can be annoying/bizarre/aggressive no matter how much against the grain that goes

You just have to leave it in the schools hands, it is their job to deal with this. If they'd been bizarre or over the top in their punishment of 2 boys being involved in a scuffle then maybe you step in but their response has been nothing out of the ordinary imo

mumeeee · 15/10/2009 22:12

Seeing the headmaster for fighting or other demeanor is normal in a primary school even for 6 year olds.

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