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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

for my husband ignoring verrugas/warts in his genitals?

57 replies

pinner4 · 13/10/2009 22:20

Hi!! Please, help!!
A few months ago, I've notice a couple of small verrugas in my husband genitals, I told him to get check and nothing happened, until they star getting bigger, so I did get quite piss off, and tell him to go and have it check, so he finally went, and he has to have them remove, they don't know yet if they are warts or verrugas, so they suggest I go and have a smear myself.
I feel angry, frustrated, and disgusted.

OP posts:
ErikaMaye · 13/10/2009 22:55

Eight years, though? I'm not pretending to be an expect, but even if he already had the condition, you'd have noticed a flare up before now.

ImSoNotTelling · 13/10/2009 22:56

I think warts can stay dormant that long IIRC. PLus you could have them inside and not realise.

They're tricky little blighters, I hear...

JustAnotherManicMummy · 13/10/2009 22:57

Let's look at the evidence...

(i) Works lots of hours
(ii) Not always interested in sex
(iii) Appears to have an STI which wife thinks she's been checked for and is clear...

ImSoNotTelling · 13/10/2009 22:57

Pinner TBH I wouldn't worry about who did what when and how etc, but make sure he gets treated and make sure you get treated.

You both knew he had them and neither of you did anything and you both carried on having sex, so on that score you both messed up.

Get it sorted and leave it there is my advice.

PommePoire · 13/10/2009 22:58

The wart virus can remain dormant and not apparent for months to years.

ScaryFucker · 13/10/2009 22:58

ladies, please...

pinner4, you sound charming

I can hear your Spanish accent in my head (brings back fond memories...)

Original poster
pinner4 · 13/10/2009 23:01

Please, be free to comment honestly, I know is difficult 'cause you don't know any of us, but I'm quite angry and "cheated".
In terms of if I didn't notice nothing before, he has quite few little moles (the brown-blakc ones that you can get naturally or with suntan, on chest, face....brown patches)always, but is not the same, so I though was normal on him, like freckless.
That's why it was difficult to detect the progress to me.

OP posts:
PommePoire · 13/10/2009 23:09

Pinner4 he really could have had the warts from years ago, so you don't need to assume that he's been unfaithful. Once the warts appear (or re-appear if the virus has been dormant) the number or size of them won't necessarily increase so frequently that you would be able to notice. I've just Googled to see if there's a question and answer website for genital warts www.hpvfaq.com seems to have some clear information.

Original poster
pinner4 · 13/10/2009 23:11

I feel like to cry, I feel like to punch him, perhaps I'm feed up with his attitude.

When we've been not having very much sex, I was thinking that "what the f..k I'm doing in this situation, when it should be the opposite, he always use to say that he will never have had the chance to meet me in a club (we meet via common friends),'cause he'll have never cacht my eye in a pub. And he is rigth, I did use to date much handsome guys, and I find pathetic the situation, been "ignore" for a half bold, skinny i...t, with the sexual drive of a mop!!!

OP posts:
ScaryFucker · 13/10/2009 23:12

goodness me, pinner4

get it off your chest love!

citybranch · 13/10/2009 23:12

Warts can definitely stay dormant for a long time! My best friend had them show up when she was pregnant (she was told it was down to her immune system being low) and her husband coughed up to having them 5 years earlier. The doctor told her it was normal for them to lie dormant.

I understand that once you have the HPV virus you always do, but I think they are only contagious when you have an actual wart. They are extremely contagious even when wearing a condom.

My best friend had to go for weekly treatment throughout her pregnancy (they had to freeze them off as the drugs were unsuitable for pg women) which was awful and embarrassing and a nightmare to get time off work. In the end she did a lot of research and found that Castor oil did the trick (you may need to prick the top of the warts - yuck TMI- then apply the castor oil) This was 3 years ago and her and her husband have never had them again!

She actually 'bought' this castor oil info off ebay for £20!

citybranch · 13/10/2009 23:15

By the way pinner you can buy Castor Oil at a chemist for a few pounds and see if it works for your husband.

Original poster
pinner4 · 13/10/2009 23:18

Thanks Pommepoire, I did have a look as well at the NHS web. I'm not scare from a healthly point of view, is the relationship side, the caring side that pissed me off.
I do love him, he's great to me, he pamper me too much, but those aspects..........and as well the last times I'm finding that phisically, is getting a bit.......not very atractive to me, he's not a handsome guy, but he's loosing lots of hair, I've told him to go to a hair clinic, and for years he's done nothing. He seems not to care, and I do care, I don't want to sound horrible, but I want him to take care of his appereance, I do. He's very slow reacting to personal situations, I think he doesn't like confrontation, so he keeps ignoring issues.

OP posts:
Original poster
pinner4 · 13/10/2009 23:25

Perhaps they're issues with us, and this subject has been the last drop, that's why I wanted to know if my reaction was normal, or I was over-reacting.
I really appreciate all your coments, they mean lots to me now, I feel quite lonely, I don't feel to talk or look at him at all.
I'm quit tired and bored of his attitude.
I don't know if is normal to have the feeling of disconect, spend sometime by my own, and think clearly. I would do if I could...

OP posts:
JustAnotherManicMummy · 13/10/2009 23:39

Pinner4 sorry if I was a bit flippant before.

You've probably both had it lying dormant for ages and now he's had a flair up. I don't think they check for gential warts when you're pregnant so unless you had a specific STI check up I doubt anyone, including you, would have known.

I suggest you book yourself an appointment with the doctor to have a chat and find out the next steps. You may find it useful to take DH along with you.

If you have contracted gential warts from him it isn't the end of the world - you just need to keep an eye on things.

80% of us have the HPV that causes warts so it is quite possible to be carrying and not develop (I have been googling for you).

If he is working very hard he's probably very tired and so not interested in sex. Can you get a babysitter for a night at the weekend? I expect after a bit of a rest all will be very different.

Finally, he may not be very good looking but he will have lots of lovely qualities that the beautiful men don't. Like modesty, humility and all the other things that won you over.

PommePoire · 13/10/2009 23:40

It sounds like he feels insecure about his physical relationship with you; you're an attractive woman and there's a feeling from you both (even if you've never said it to him) that you are out of his league. Maybe if he has always felt you were 'too good for him' in terms of your looks he's resigned to not being able to match you in appearance. If he focuses on work then he doesn't have to think too much about the fact he's going bald and his sexy wife might not find him attractive. If you love him and he loves you than his going bald should be something you can both live with. The warts too could be something you can both get over if you love each other and there is trust there.

It's late, you've got a young baby, you're tired. No wonder you're feeling emotional and angry. It is normal to try and detach yourself and tell yourself 'I don't deserve this mess.' Go and give your baby a little cuddle and try and get some sleep and post again when you've had a chance to clear your head a little?

Original poster
pinner4 · 14/10/2009 00:06

Don't worry, Justanothermunicmumm, it's ok.

I don't think there's a problem with insecurity in the relationship, we've been together long time, and it wasn't like that.
He always mention the fact that some people coment the difference in how we look in a proud way, and happy with that, not jelaousy, neither showing off, we've been always very happy and good mates in our relationship.

Perhaps is normal in married life, to have up and downs, feeling tired and so on.
Of course he has lots of good cualities, I'm sure more than me, and more relevant than mines,that's why I married him; I allways knew that when the look fade with time, what we have let is the personallity, and is the most important; perhaps I ask for too much.

But I never moaned about his appereance, The matter is his towards that and more things attitude.

It's time to go to bed, and THANK YOU SO MUCH TO ALL OF YOU, good night and I'll keep you update, tomorrow call GP for smear test.

OP posts:
JustAnotherManicMummy · 14/10/2009 00:24

Thanks Pinner

I used to get comments from people about DH and I in a similar vein.

I don't get them any more . Can't think why... although perhaps the fact that I am wearing mis-matched PJs with a smearing of yoghurt, have a lovely post-baby muffin top, no make-up and wild hair is contributing.

Had a smear the other day for first time in ages. Was not anywhere near as horrible as it used to be when they used a cold, metal speculum and scraped at me with a giant lolly-stick. It was actually ok so don't worry about that if you've not been for a while.

Hope all goes well tomorrow

Brightonavengerreturns · 14/10/2009 01:32

Tell DH to try EMLA cream I beleive it works a treat!

tinkerbellesmuse · 14/10/2009 04:02

According to a friend of mine who is a GP in central London 80-90% of 20-30 year olds in her health authority area carry the virus (in fact there are several strains) that cause genital warts. Most people will never actually develop warts and most men wont be aware they are carriers (woman often have it picked up in their pap smear)

So you can carry the virus for many years without it being known. Apparently the warts often appear during time of stress (if he has been working long hours, maybe explains?) and also when woman are pregnant - this (according to my friend) leads to a lot of "interesting" consultations in her clinic wen pregnant woman drag along husbands they believe are cheating....

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 14/10/2009 06:56

YANBU to be annoyed with him for not getting them checked out
YANBU to be annoyed with him for being forgetful
YABU to have continued having sex with him while he had the warts
YABU to seem to know nothing about genital warts if your DH seems to have them. They are a virus that lives in your body for years and is highly contagious, even with condoms, so if you don't have them yet chances are you will. I would also be wondering where the hell they came from.

facebookaddict · 14/10/2009 09:21

Ignoring a few odd comments on this site, I think the way this thread has been handled has been quite lovely and I too (like ManicMum) want to take back my comment about assuming the worst.

It does sound as if you and DH have a few other things to chat about but if infidelity is ruled out (on basis of long ago warts reemerging) then definitely best to treat and get on with it.

As for changing libidos and long term ups and downs....who hasn't gone off sex for a while after babies and little sleep/lots of work ? I have and my DH has.... All comes good in the end as long as you keep talking.

Pinner4, hope this resolves quickly for you. Be glad that you are more attractive than DH. I started out on equal footing with mine but 2DCs later its a very different story and I'd love for him to actually be proud of the way I looked!!!

6feetundertheGroundhogs · 14/10/2009 09:35

My DH gets Coldsores, on the lips, he won't come near me sexually until they have cleared up.. He's sex mad..

So if he can take responsibility for his beloved partner's health, then anyone can.

Hope that this all gets sorted soon and that you don't both have to go through too much stress about it.

From this point onwards though Pinner you need to be your own best friend a bit more, and NOT just sleep with him when he can't be bothered to keep his 'bits' healthy. You are worth more than that, surely?

Best of luck

skihorse · 14/10/2009 09:37

"sexual drive of a mop"

Romanarama · 14/10/2009 09:37

Just to mention that my ds (7yo) has had a real problem with willy verruccas, and certainly has not been having sex, or been touched by anyone in an untoward way. The doc said it was not so unusual and it's a virus they can pass to themselves by yanking their willies around the whole time. You can get verruccas anywhere on your body.